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Last edited by Cadet; 01/16/18 02:32 AM.

Divorced and letting go.
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Refresh the browser and sign back in. The write your reply box at the bottom always works for me. I'll ask the others if they had that same problem.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Oh Blu!

I was so hoping hoping HOPING you would stop by, and I am so happy you have! Your insight is so incredibly valuable and appreciated. Anyone who has walked this path and would offer advice on the potholes to avoid - OMG I am so grateful for people like you, because it's bloody painful and hard climbing out of these potholes. My life is one giant pothole at the moment.

I have, since the middle of January, not let him see that he affects me anymore. Because he's been so dismissive of any talk of R, and it was hurting me so much to be vulnerable in front of him, I've just clammed up now. I know he's wondering what I'm thinking because he said as much two Fridays ago when I pulled him up on how disrespectful his behaviour was - he said it was good to know what I was thinking.

I don't think WH cares if I am seeing other people. He keeps saying how I am a great person (d4mn right) and I would make someone else really happy (double d4mn right). But it stings that he's happy about losing me.

I am trying to GAL in earnest. Meeting friends for dinner tonight and Thursday night, when WH has S3. Going to plan a birthday party for myself - never did one before because I always preferred to keep things low key.

May I ask what it is you think he says that demonstrates self doubt? I can't see it.

Do you think I should let him attend the birthday party? I wasn't going to at first but after what you and Jeep said it's making me think I should. I've been trying to do WWJD. I am guessing Jesus would invite him. frown

I do want you to suggest things to me, so please, suggest away! Your experience is hard won and frankly, if with your guidance I can avoid one more pothole, I would be so grateful.


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The WWJD isn't just to get him back, because right now I don't want him the way he is - he's super messed up. I am doing it because I genuinely want to be a better person, for my son.

Yesterday I had the realisation, for the first time, that he would have cheated, even if I had been a less angry wife. Bluwave and JujuB have said this to me before but I always privately felt I still had blame because my anger was off the charts. I realised my anger was stemming from hurt, hurt that he wasn't being loving to me the way a husband should be. For years he put his friends before me and that was what we fought about most often. And I was listening to a friend describe how she shouts at her husband and she has a really rock solid marriage, because her husband's commitment to their marriage is real and authentic. Whereas my WH was looking for a OW-shaped lifeboat at the first sign of wind.

On a more ungodly note, I am also doing it for revenge. It's the best kind of revenge, I think. If I kick off and do all the things I very very much want to do (write to OW's parents, email all their colleagues etc), knowing my WH, what will happen is I will just end up pushing them together in their joint hatred of me and I make it easier for him to justify what he's doing. He's already told her I am a certifiable nutcase and my kicking off will only strengthen his story. If I'm all lovely and saintly and fragrant, then when OW's perfect mask of pleasantness slips, as JujuB once pointed out it must eventually, then maybe he'll look from her to me and think, "wait a minute..."


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A question out of hurt and a desperate belief in karma - will the OW's mask slip? I have this conversation in my head daily - if she is as wonderful and perfect as he says she is, then I should be happy for him that he's managed to find such a wonderful fit and I shouldn't begrudge him their relationship - after all in the same shoes and I found such a flawless soul mate, wouldn't I want him to wish the same for me, especially if he really meant it when he said he loved me? Who wants to be the Grinch standing in the way of true love?

It occurs to me daily my pain is borne out of ego, out of rejection. I do know it's more than that - I do love him still. But as he's demonstrated, love dies and I'm just waiting for mine to conk off. I wish there was a guillotine effect but unfortunately it seems to be starving to death.

Anyone have any heartening stories about how it went pear-shaped with the OW/OM?


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Quote:
have this conversation in my head daily - if she is as wonderful and perfect as he says she is, then I should be happy for him that he's managed to find such a wonderful fit and I shouldn't begrudge him their relationship - after all in the same shoes and I found such a flawless soul mate, wouldn't I want him to wish the same for me, especially if he really meant it when he said he loved me? Who wants to be the Grinch standing in the way of true love?


I think the first question is why are you talking to him about her?

Quote:
It occurs to me daily my pain is borne out of ego, out of rejection. I do know it's more than that - I do love him still. But as he's demonstrated, love dies and I'm just waiting for mine to conk off. I wish there was a guillotine effect but unfortunately it seems to be starving to death.


Rejection. Hurt. Anger. Pain. All born out of what they did to us. Completely natural. What is your road lined in?

Quote:
Anyone have any heartening stories about how it went pear-shaped with the OW/OM?


I don't get the question...


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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The info about her came about in the early mad bad days. He now refuses to talk to me about her, says its inappropriate. I was struggling to understand why he left then.

I wanted to know if what JujuB once said to me, which gave me a lot of comfort, will be true - that OW won't be all about the fun and sweetness and light - eventually. Rationally I know it's true but at the moment it feels like I am lying to myself - that WH has swanned off into the sunset with his fairy tale ending and they are always going to be ridiculously happy.


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BluWave - am hoping you will swing by again. I wanted to ask - when you were separated from WH, did you lose hope that he would come back? I recognise the behaviours your describe when he first left - I did the exact same thing and it was in my mind because I couldn't believe what was happening was really happening - I just wanted him to stop playing this ridiculous game and come home.

I am getting a lot of encouragement from a church elder who went through this 40 years ago, to stand for the marriage. She took the high road and after 2 years in the wilderness, he came back to her and they are incredibly loving now. He can't spoil her enough. She was able to do a lot more of WWJD than I ever could dream of - at one point she prayed with and for the OW. Whenever I feel like giving up she keeps on telling me to hang on , and I have been, but after Saturday when WH's behaviour was so lighthearted and indifferent... I'm super struggling with the idea of standing now. Because you need some hope to do it and I think mine is going kaputt now.


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Quote:
I wanted to know if what JujuB once said to me, which gave me a lot of comfort, will be true - that OW won't be all about the fun and sweetness and light - eventually. Rationally I know it's true but at the moment it feels like I am lying to myself - that WH has swanned off into the sunset with his fairy tale ending and they are always going to be ridiculously happy.


Honestly, I wouldn't bother myself if/when things happen with the OW. It's out of your hands, anyway, and won't do anything but make you sick. I know because I've been there. It took me the longest to come to grips with things about that...and even longer to realize that her affair wasn't about some crises (even though her issues played a part). The fact that, in her mind, she was done and gone before the affair happened. And what made it worse, was me beating myself up knowing that she was attracted to him and LOVED him. Sigh. That is the deal breaker.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: 2016sux
I wanted to know if what JujuB once said to me, which gave me a lot of comfort, will be true - that OW won't be all about the fun and sweetness and light - eventually. Rationally I know it's true but at the moment it feels like I am lying to myself - that WH has swanned off into the sunset with his fairy tale ending and they are always going to be ridiculously happy.


This post just gave me incredible clarity on something - going dark, detaching, etc. gives the wayward spouse nothing to talk about to the OM/OW.

Right now, i know that my wife goes to the OM for comfort and to talk about me. If I give her absolutely nothing negative to talk about or to vent about, their relationship is much less intense. Then they'll have to talk about other things, which could open up to their own relationship issues.

So, just one more good reason to detach. Still easier said than done though.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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