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So, what can you do to take yourself out of that picture? Start with your time and availability. How available are you to her calls/texting? Do you wait, or check your messages to see if you missed her?
For the most part I have been fairly responsive due to the kids. I did respond and help her with an issue the other week when the kids were with me and felt afterwards that that was a mistake and I should have either waited on the response or not been so helpful.

Do make up excuses to contact her? Kids are used all the time by the LBS, as their excuse to discuss logistics with the WW every day. If you don't believe me, just start reading threads, and you'll see how quickly H's add they had to talk about kid logistics with the WW.

This part I do not do. When we talk it usually is her contacting me and its about the kids or related to them or legal parts of the separation. I have been NC with her other than for the kids. Which to me hasn't changed her in any way.. other than making her happy as she can continue without thinking of me.

Okay, so moving right along....... How available do you give her a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to all "about her"?

She hasn't come to be with any issues, as the last year or so we began to lose communication with each other and we stopped communicating our problems or worries with each other. I would still with her but she became less and less with me. I know for sure that I could have done better at listening but started to lose the want to as I was not receiving the same thing when I tried with her.. probably not the right answer but I can't change that part now..

How available are you to keep the kids when they are scheduled to be with her? If you have not started feeling "used", just wait cause it's coming. It's all about what she wants and the way she wants it. How flexible are you to do pretty much anything she asks?

This one is tough for me, as I want to spend as much time with them as I can and they always want to be around me or with me from what I have seen.. I still pick the kids up from school everyday even during her weeks as that was the schedule we had before and it worked, as well as being more cost effective. It gives me the additional time every weekday with them that I normally would not have, but its helping her as she doesn't have to pay now for after-school care or really go out of her way to change with this process... so again, this is a tough one.

I have looked back on a lot of times and have felt like I have been used in a lot of ways... it [censored].. Objectively looking back at the last 14 years I begin to see things that I blinded myself to. I am still pretty flexible also.. I'm working on this but its tough again as Ive always been flexible with whats been asked.. I say always but I can also think of times that I should have been that I more so in the last 2 or so years began to not be as it didn't "Benefit me" in a way.. wrong attitude to have but it began to feel very one sided with how things were going to me.. I tried to express that to her at the time but I don't think it came out the way i intended it.

Are the doors to the marital home open for whenever she decides to pop in? Does she get to go to the home when she wants to see the kids on your scheduled time? Does she leave clothes and personal items in the marital home?

So, currently yes and no.. She hasn't "decided to pop in" persay, I did go against the teachings in the 180 during the beginning stages of my emotional breakdown during this when she was saying that she was just going to stay with her parents or a hotel one night and we had a long talk that I felt was productive.. I had told her that she would always be welcome in OUR home when she asked if I would be ok if she decided to come back home that night... but then after a few hours and her returning to the home, I began to feel that it was more manipulative and her trying to regain control of the situation and mad that she came back so quick.. She showed signs of being sad about everything for the first time and some remorse.. but that was immediately gone after a few hours of being gone..

I had originally said to her that she could bring the kids by the house to play since majority of their things were there.. but feel that might not be the best idea as well now..

Pretty much all of her things have been removed from the home now, that was an eventful and emotional day as well.. with her smug face and laughing with her coworkers as she was carrying things out of the home when I drove past with the kids.. I tried to not let them see that part but she decided to last minute plan the move of the bigger items when I went to pick the kids up from school.. She left her key when she left also..

Do you take care of her car, or make payments she cannot afford?

I did when she was still in the home. Now that she is out of the home the situation has not arisen.. I would think that I would not, but I've always been the help others type of person... Her car is paid off.

Do you help her fix whatever at her place (plumbing, electrical stuff, technical stuff, etc.)?

This situation has not arisen yet.. but I feel that it will.

Do you ever attend events with her (family, job, school activities, birthdays, etc.)?

For our children we have gone "together" to school events. We did not ride together then but sat together. This was before we let the school know we were separating though. We had talked about that we would continue this for the kids sake.. so I'm not sure how to detach from that piece.

To me it is really tough to detach and be NC with someone who you share two wonderful children with and see on a daily basis during her week but not during mine. When she calls the kids in the afternoon I usually just hit the accept call button and speaker and then hand it to the kids without saying hello, whereas she will sometimes answer when I call for them.

How do you withdraw from someone who you share to great kids with and want them to be happy and feel loved throughout all this. I want for them the most to have their family back. The one that we worked so hard to provide and show for them when they were adopted. In what ways can I remove myself from her eyes enough that she would feel a loss??


I have not brought up and R or MR talks with her anymore, and I have tried to be the one to end the conversation or meeting first. I feel that since she is still at her parents and not fully in her place yet that I have not seen the true side of things.. There is still a lot to come.
I have done a lot of looking back on our R and through the current events have honestly started to feel that she may be right on some things.. I don't want to believe them or think that they can be true, but in some ways I want to feel that she was In Love with the idea of me and us.. but never truly in love with me or have affection towards me in the way she should have.. In the way that I had towards her.. I don't want to believe that, but just don't know anymore..

These are just a few ways the WW can still benefit from the M and continue her affair and living outside the M. These are things you where you have an option of choice, b/c it all involves your participation. See what I mean? This is where you start. You cannot emotionally detach, if you can't learn to control your end. And she won't want you as long as you are available.

If you don't think this would make a big difference, just do it.......and see. She won't like it one little bit. She still expects you to be available for her. She has removed herself from the MR and the marital home. She is no longer gets the umbrella of benefits that go with the position of being your wife. See what I mean?

It is not a matter of what you "want to do". It is a matter of doing what works with a wayward wife. The hard part comes first, and it won't change for the better in a short time......but if you stick with respecting yourself and setting effective boundaries to protect your feelings....things will change for the better.

You feel afraid that you'll lose her. You have already lost her. ((I'm Here)) I would like to help you understand how you can attract her back to you. So, do this afraid.....but do it.

Thank you so much sandi2, Being on here and talking with others is helping. My family and friends have been a big help as well and have tied to be objective and have a 2 sided reasoning on things.. The 2x4's are needed often to keep me on the right track.. Through the darkness I will eventually see the light. I want to hope that it is with the W.. but it needs to be for the right reasons and wants.


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Thanks for answering my questions. It sounds as if you are avoiding the pitfalls a lot of newcomers face.

I agree about you picking up the kids from school, especially since this was the previous routine.

Continue reading and posting. You will get support here.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Are you still with us?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Yes, sorry. This week has been tough with my grandfathers funeral and V day and everything else.. Funeral day went good, the kids looked great and were angels. Still frustrated over her non concern with any of the family or showing any sadness over any of it.. Her family at least sent a flower arrangement, which was nice.

Vday started out rough.. but I turned it around and took my kids out on a date, bought roses for my daughter and chocolate for my son and took them to dinner. Overall it was a great night and one for memories for them! Rest of the week has been ok.. ups and downs.. Today was a bit more rough though as it seems that OM has been driving W to work now during this week... she lied to my face about why she didn't have her car earlier in the week when she came to meet me to deal with some things and continues to lie..
I actually was not able to control some of that anger today on a phone call with her over the kids and blew up a bit about everything this past week... it felt good but I imagine it won't end well and I'll regret what happens now but I could not stand it anymore.. I havent had a good way to get frustrations out this week at the GYM either so that might be one reason.

I'm still here.. trying to stick with it. I still have hope/want for things to work, but when its completely one sided and OM is still in the picture I don't know how that will work...


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Those frustrations are a pain in the @$$. I have pulled out the old punching bag in the garage and it seems to work them out quite well. The gym and running helps, but something about pounding away on the bag with your fists is a good way to release those pent up frustrations.

One day at a time my brother...


Me 49 W46
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ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Originally Posted By: SBJ
Those frustrations are a pain in the @$$. I have pulled out the old punching bag in the garage and it seems to work them out quite well. The gym and running helps, but something about pounding away on the bag with your fists is a good way to release those pent up frustrations.

One day at a time my brother...


I luckily have a heavy bag in my garage that I have wailed on before. Just need to get out there again and let it out..


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I sit here today and can't stop wondering if I should apologize for letting my emotions take over yesterday during the call or if I should just let it be as its in a way a boundary that I'm standing behind. And I honestly felt that she was not trusting my judgement with taking care of the kids during my time. She was pushing her way in again to try and control the situation since they were not with her.

I understand her concern for the children in wanting to make sure they are taken care of and not being taken somewhere that would be a bad place. But we both agreed that we would let each other know if we cannot watch the kids during emergencies. The fact that she blew up my phone in a matter of minutes trying to get me to respond was uncalled for. Especially for the fact that we are not together as a couple in that sense..

I feel the same way towards her wanting the kids to be around certain people, especially around OM..but honestly can I control that? NO. She is going to go and do whatever she wants anyways. She has already showed that to me with her lieing to my face and doing whatever anyways.. I would hope that she will respect my wishes but don't imagine it will happen. And I told her that too, that I have no control over what she does but feel that the people she associates with and works with are not the best to be around the kids.. she of course doesn't see that.


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Not much to update today.. Kids are back with her this week so the silence and loneliness sets in again. Friends and family have been good on keeping in touch and trying to get me to do stuff.. Most days I'd rather just stay at home and relax a bit though. I hate the feeling of always going anymore..


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Quote:
Not much to update today.. Kids are back with her this week so the silence and loneliness sets in again. Friends and family have been good on keeping in touch and trying to get me to do stuff.. Most days I'd rather just stay at home and relax a bit though. I hate the feeling of always going anymore..


I hate the empty house when the kids aren't home. Sickeningly quiet. I'm with you on the relaxing part. My hobbies help me out a lot.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Hello Im_here,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your grandfather. I'm glad the funeral day went well, all thing considered.

Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.

Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you focus on your best next steps. Please call me at 303-444-7004 to discuss our program.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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