I think it is important to say that OM needs to be out of the picture before you agree to go to counselling with your W. If he is in the picture, my guess is your investment in counselling will be wasted.
^This.
As long as they are involved with another person, the marriage can't be worked on, period. My ex was involved with the OM at the time of our counseling...and lied, lied, and lied more about it. The MC (also my IC) didn't believe her and really pushed her buttons, but she lied more. How anyone could accept their spouse being with another person - and lying - is beyond me.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Trust me, I agree with you all on that. The first step for me will be to truly believe that there is genuine remorse on her part. Only with that remorse can any type of healing of the MR begin. I will only attend the first session with her to tell her (and her counselor) what will be necessary for me to move forward with anything with her. NO CONTACT, complete unrestricted access to her phone/computer/email, no private phone conversations, find new job, ect...without these things I will not invest my time. I am not at all trying to control her, she is free to continue doing whatever she wants. I just will not be participating. To be quite honest, I see this meeting with the counselor more as a time for me to explain what is necessary and I fully expect her to not agree to these terms which is completely fine. She will just have to accept that by not agreeing to these terms I will not be attending counseling or investing anything further into this relationship; in fact, I will be doing the opposite as I will be starting the legal process. This isn't a threat, it isn't manipulation, it is merely me stating what I would need to invest anything. I am completely at peace walking away at this point....I never thought I could say that. Thursday at 8AM should be super interesting huh? I am actually anxious as I have had a conversation with her therapist and wasn't particularly impressed. I felt that my knowledge on this subject was vastly superior to hers, and that worries me a little. So, my main goal is to say what I need to both of them, judge their response, an dmove forward with or without her.
You, my friend, are doing well. I like your plan! I wish that I had done something similar.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I don't know that genuine remorse comes right away. It does seem like she has made this decision to go to counseling because her IC told her she should. I don't know that the reasons are the ones you are looking for right now. However, working through this could get those reasons and remorse to come to the surface.
So, yeah, no OP in the picture would be a definite for me. However, the other things you are looking for right off the bat aren't going to happen. So you have to decide if you are willing to start somewhere knowing you aren't going to get what you want right off the bat.
This is just me pointing out things I have seen through the piecing process on here. This is why piecing is the hardest. Given the chance, I don't know how well I would have done.
I don't know that genuine remorse comes right away. It does seem like she has made this decision to go to counseling because her IC told her she should. I don't know that the reasons are the ones you are looking for right now. However, working through this could get those reasons and remorse to come to the surface.
So, yeah, no OP in the picture would be a definite for me. However, the other things you are looking for right off the bat aren't going to happen. So you have to decide if you are willing to start somewhere knowing you aren't going to get what you want right off the bat.
This is just me pointing out things I have seen through the piecing process on here. This is why piecing is the hardest. Given the chance, I don't know how well I would have done.
Without the other things, there can be no guarantee that the OP isn't still in the picture. So to aswer your question about me deciding: I have decided. IF she can't give me those necessities, there's no reason to continue. Without those things how will I or her counselor know that she isn't still with OP? Am I just supposed to trust her word? That would be an asinine thought.....
Also, I agree that it seems more like she has been "talked into" marriage counseling rather than had an epiphany or actual desire to do so. These are not sufficient reasons. Make no mistake, I understand lots of people on here would have killed to have heard the words my WW uttered to me the other day. However, if you really evaluate those words with any intellect you can clearly conclude that something is not quite right. I refuse to bring myself back into that raw emotional state again without the things that I have mentioned being in place. I have made drastic strides in self recognition and determining my worth, and I refuse to bring myself back to that level of emotional devastation just because someone may have said the right words to her to "convince" her to at least do counseling with me. It's not that simple, it's a very long road of significant sacrifices by both parties and she and her counselor need to know that before I even begin to consider opening myself up emotionally again. I am finally at peace....I will not allow myself to not be at peace just on a whim.
