I'll give you credit for admitting your changes are motivated to change your W's mind. I will still hammer you to make the changes for yourself. The changes are more likely to stick if you do them for yourself.
But they aren't just motivated to change her mind. They are motivated to benefit me whether she comes back or not and change her mind.
Originally Posted By: LITB
Have you considered volunteer work? Serving at a soup kitchen for example. I believe when we are busy helping others, it helps us put our focus elsewhere. Additionally, you will be able to form new friendship.
That's a good idea.
Originally Posted By: LITB
I am a believer myself. It was incredibly helpful in my growth. Again, do it for yourself. Not to see your W at church.
I am doing it for myself. I considered going before she had even told me she went there, not expecting that I would see her at all. The church is all the way across town from her now. Her possibly being there is just a bonus, and her seeing me making improvements is necessary for her to know that I am making improvements. MWD says it's important to be seen making changes.
Thank you for your responses. If you have anything to add about how your fear caused you problems, I'd love to hear it.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Just received separation papers. Has anyone here ever reconciled after that?
Yes.
I'll tell you what. I had the same fear as you. If I didn't do what made my W happy, then I feared it would push her further away. I was pursuing and pleading with her to reconsider. I agreed to allow her to move 1100 miles away from me with our children, because I was too caught up trying to appease her. And I was misled by an attorney, but that was completely on me.
That's the readers digest version. You can go back and read my first couple of threads. The second time it happened, I was better prepared on how to handle things.
The scripts for both WAS/LBS are pretty common. Things changed the most for me when I was away from the boards and not obsessed with my sitch. It is an amazing feeling to know that things are going to turn out alright no matter the outcome with my W. As a matter of fact, I had accepted that my M was over and life was still going to be beautiful.
Happy and confident are attractive. Get there and the rest will take care of itself.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
It is an amazing feeling to know that things are going to turn out alright no matter the outcome with my W.
Hopefully I will get there.
I don't know what to do other than work on me, not pursue her, and hope that she is just having some sort of a crazy emotional event, that she will hopefully return from. Or that the high of any affair she may have been in will dissipate.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I don't know what to do other than work on me, not pursue her, and hope that she is just having some sort of a crazy emotional event, that she will hopefully return from. Or that the high of any affair she may have been in will dissipate.
You can get there if you choose to get there. I'm sure you are familiar with that old Nike commercial, Just Do It!! That's what you need to do. There are dreamers and there are doers. Which one are you?
So get busy working on yourself and do not pursue as you already mentioned.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB, did you ever have separation with your wife, with a legal agreement? Were you ever financially separated and did she have the legal right to be with other men?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
did you ever have separation with your wife, with a legal agreement? Were you ever financially separated and did she have the legal right to be with other men?
I can't answer for LITB, but in my state there is no legal separation agreement. I was strongly advised not to date anyone until my divorce was finalized...with strongly being the operative word.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
If my wife actually did cheat on me and left me for the OM (I'm still trying to figure out what is going on), and if I took her back after she came to her senses, if she could get over her guilt and let me forgive her, my question is: can my family ever love her again?
I could love her because our love was so strong. She loved me so much and was so good to me. And I could love her because I know I made so many mistakes. I treated my wife the way I wanted to be treated, rather than how a wife needs to be treated, because I didn't know what I was doing. I also took her for granted, and didn't appreciate her the way that I should have, for some reason, maybe because of porn viewing, I don't know.
So, can the family of the LBS ever forgive a cheating spouse that comes back? What do you guys know about that?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
If my wife actually did cheat on me and left me for the OM (I'm still trying to figure out what is going on), and if I took her back after she came to her senses, if she could get over her guilt and let me forgive her, my question is: can my family ever love her again?
That's an awful lot of if's and hypotheticals. First and foremost, it may be a good idea to actually find out...some won't like this idea, but gut feelings are usually correct. There are many ways to find out, but the question is, if you do find out what is your next step? Are you OK just sitting on the sidelines until (or IF) she comes to her "senses?" And lets say she is in an affair, can you fully trust her again? I ask because even if there is a shred of doubt, then that speaks volumes...what do you do if she "gets caught up shopping" or something like that and doesn't come home for a while? For me, cheating is the deal breaker...you know the old adage, once a cheater...
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I could love her because our love was so strong. She loved me so much and was so good to me. And I could love her because I know I made so many mistakes. I treated my wife the way I wanted to be treated, rather than how a wife needs to be treated, because I didn't know what I was doing. I also took her for granted, and didn't appreciate her the way that I should have, for some reason, maybe because of porn viewing, I don't know.
I'm seeing reasons, or rather excuses, here. Living in the past isn't beneficial to one's mental health. Ask me how I know... Much easier said than done, you need to live as if she doesn't exist. On any level.
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So, can the family of the LBS ever forgive a cheating spouse that comes back? What do you guys know about that?
Some may, and some won't. She would have to prove herself above and beyond. And if any feel about cheating as I do, then there is your answer.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
