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I think people in crisis have a great deal of self-pity and don't tend to recognise how their own decisions and behaviours have contributed. It probably isn't a conscious spinning of the guilt - more a currently held belief that you have been responsible for her feeling unhappy.

That does tend to change in time - particularly if your own behaviour is pleasant and reasonable.

Oh boy in respect of the car - presumably you have all financials separately now and if she is taking on debt that will be 'hers' and not 'yours.'


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Huddy Offline OP
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Hi Sotto

Yes, all financials separate. God knows how she got finance with her being homeless. Don't know how that would effect any future legals as the previous car would have been classed as a marital asset.


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Originally Posted By: Huddy
Hi Pax/Maly

Thanks for your input. I don't know, I just can't work out how on earth she could get the guilt back to me! My friend is coming up at the end of next month and will fill me in on what lies my SIL has been spinning. Needless to say, I'm the bad guy.

Today now has some added madness. My W has bought a new car! Yep, traded in the old one and now has a 4X4. Only two weeks ago she was pleading poverty and asking for her maintenance in cash. She also cam dressed for the gym (latest craze) which I've never heard her say before. When she left her first husband, she told me about going swimming to meet men and that she had a mini crisis when she was 31. Guess she's cycling the same pattern again.

Not bad for somebody who declared homelessness, lives in local authority temporary accommodation and is having more cosmetic surgery in two weeks time. So, this probably the cycle of trying to find happiness. I have my kids this weekend, so, time to concentrate on them.


Yep my w got the new convertible car,and keeps getting tattoos lol ,she is 52


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Huddy Offline OP
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It's funny, but you think you know somebody, and then you don't!

I was talking to a colleague at work the other day. I've known her for about seven years, but as we work in different departments, we never really chatted. We were both in the kitchen making something to eat at work, when she was asking me what I was planning to do at the weekend. I explained I was having the kids and related that W was in MLC. We sat together to have our food when, out of the blue, she related her story to me.

She had been married very young (18) and now had a grown up daughter. After about 15 years with her husband, she suddenly started to feel 'odd' and looked at her body differently and wished she could do different things. She looked at her tummy and boobs and considered having surgery (I had told her that W was going under the knife again). She left her husband for a while and even went 'escorting' to try and pay for her treatment.

She related to me that she felt angry and confused, but didn't really know why. At the time she was only 33, so didn't think about it being a crisis, but just couldn't work out what the problem was. The usual script of blaming her husband was brought out, but it was the case of her sister contracting breast cancer that finally shook her out of the cycle.

She went back to her family a broken person, but after some time, they did get back together. That was 12 years ago. She has many regrets, but was telling me this so that I didn't give up hope. I explained I didn't think there was any change on the horizon, and that W was as mean as ever, buying cars etc. My friend explained that it will come to an end.

Obviously, I share this on here as we're all anonymous, and won't tell anyone at work, but it does give me some hope in my weaker times that things will get better and that hope and happiness comes from within,


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It was nice of you to share. I think people hearing success stories in RL give much more hope than internet ones . It is just more.....well real.

There is always hope. Keep your hope alive but don't overfeed it.

In the meantime enjoy the "six nations"

Best wishes


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Huddy Offline OP
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Two ways to go here, so, might need some input!

My W has gone for her second round of cosmetic surgery today. I have dropped her at the clinic. This is a normal piece of manipulation by the MLC'er, or, I'm just being my usual self (nice). I have the kids for the next two and half weeks, so I also have W's new car.

On the way to the clinic, we chatted. No R stuff. It's the most conversation we've had for nearly two years. It was friendly, and she even laughed at one point. She seemed genuinely interested in my convo. Again, could just be manipulation as I'm dropping her off.

The only time she got prickly was when I asked what she was having done. She claimed she is having her scar tightened, but the recovery time isn't long enough, but it does match the time for a boob job.

I can see that it is full MLC at work. Whilst I was at the house, she went to the toilet, and I overheard her talking to herself about not feeling old etc. She also relayed that one of her clients (hairdressing) had died at 65 through ill health and that she wasn't much younger (13 years actually!). I also noticed she has multiple credit accounts with department stores and car companies, so I guess that is how she is financing her spending.

She also mentioned that the council would now be leaving her in the homeless house, instead of getting her something bigger. My D had already told me this, but she also told me that 'Mummy had to decide'. Hmmmm......is she poking my buttons to see if I react?

SD is also coming to stay, so W will be completely alone during her recovery time. Whilst normally I would say this is manipulation, how can I move the situation on without communication? Not sure if this is right path.


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Alright dude? Not much traffic around here so I thought I'd post here rather than in private.

So I met a lot of new guys over the mainland Europe trip, and one of them would be more than welcome here. His story is way worse than mine. Poor guy is in a real [self censored] storm with his ex. And he's much younger. Anyway I had the usual talk with him and it's clear he's never been to this site nor read any of the books. I could tell without mentioning any of it that he's no clue as to this stuff. Anyway after about half a hour of convo with me telling him about what I've learned from this place that his eyes started to light up and his attitude changed. Sure, i'll give him the proper low down later on but everything I said to him just resonated. Not because I've been through the big D but he started to realise that he needs to drop the victim card. He didn't cause his situation and he's not to blame for his STBXW's affair. Not by a long shot.

Anyway my reason for bringing this up is this. After our chat he said almost too keenly 'would you take her back'. I won't go into what my response is but I'm willing to bet the vets here would have been proud of me. And he couldn't believe what I was saying. Because it was completely different from how he feels. If she said tomorrow lets get back together he would say yes. No effort and no remorse on her part. Just forget about the last two years and continue as nothing had happened. And so would you if your W did the same. Am I right? of course I am. And that's the point. She knows this just as much as that poor guy's STBXW knows it. So they will exploit that situation as much as possible. Your STBXW is doing that right now.Remember when they said they need to feel the loss? Well it ain't material loss that's for sure. It's not about money. And if they don't yearn to not loose you (coz at the moment they havent) then they can do what they like while you just hang in the shadows hoping for something to change. Nah mate. Not a way to live your life. Go on your journey happy and confident and if she wants back you will soon know. Right now in your mind this is nothing but a falling out. A big one but a falling out none the less. Well it's not. It's way bigger than that. Move forward.



Originally Posted By: Huddy
Two ways to go here, so, might need some input!
My W has gone for her second round of cosmetic surgery today. I have dropped her at the clinic. This is a normal piece of manipulation by the MLC'er, or, I'm just being my usual self (nice). I have the kids for the next two and half weeks, so I also have W's new car.

On the way to the clinic, we chatted. No R stuff. It's the most conversation we've had for nearly two years. It was friendly, and she even laughed at one point. She seemed genuinely interested in my convo. Again, could just be manipulation as I'm dropping her off.


It's not manipulation. It's just a conversation. Don't end up in the friend zone.

Quote:

The only time she got prickly was when I asked what she was having done. She claimed she is having her scar tightened, but the recovery time isn't long enough, but it does match the time for a boob job.


So what. She's either in MLC or self conscious about her body. Or perhaps she really wants a boob job for another reason. It's her body. Let her get on with it. You don't need to support her decision. It doesn't matter what the reason is.

Quote:

I can see that it is full MLC at work. Whilst I was at the house, she went to the toilet, and I overheard her talking to herself about not feeling old etc. She also relayed that one of her clients (hairdressing) had died at 65 through ill health and that she wasn't much younger (13 years actually!). I also noticed she has multiple credit accounts with department stores and car companies, so I guess that is how she is financing her spending.


Feeling old is normal. Denying it is also normal. Let's not over complicate things. I still feel you read way too much into what you see and hear from her. You're still holding onto that rope no matter how much you think you aren't.

Quote:

She also mentioned that the council would now be leaving her in the homeless house, instead of getting her something bigger. My D had already told me this, but she also told me that 'Mummy had to decide'. Hmmmm......is she poking my buttons to see if I react?


No she has a housing problem she needs to deal with. You don't so unless if affects the kids butt out. Not your issue. Let her pull on her big girl pants. You aren't there to rescue her.

Quote:

SD is also coming to stay, so W will be completely alone during her recovery time. Whilst normally I would say this is manipulation, how can I move the situation on without communication? Not sure if this is right path.


Fine. Let her be alone. Dude if she wanted you there you would know. If she wanted to talk you would know. Neither of these things are happening.

Let it go dude.

Just let it go.

Peace


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Hi Huddy , I still follow your thread and just want to back up everything NDY is saying. I think a while back you posted that WW had asked you to mind kids while she had latest round of surgery and you told her no. What happened for that to change ? Again , you have to let go. Just my thoughts but reading your posts you haven't and while its so hard to do , you really need to for anything to happen.

Take care , RD

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Huddy Offline OP
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Hi NDY/Rd

RD - long time no see! Hope you're doing fine in the Republic.

I'm still gauging this manipulation thing. Yes, I wasn't going to take her, but she started to pull some strokes about getting somebody else to look after the kids. Whilst I know she wouldn't (deep down), I couldn't allow that to happen. I also wanted to see how she was actually coping. To answer that last question, not well. I can't imagine how much debt she is racking up. Cars, beauty salons, cosmetic surgery; it must be huge.

Of course I'd have her back - hey, that's why we came here, but maybe I'm not getting it across that I have changed and it would be different. She'd have to convince me that she actually wants to come back and I don't think she's anywhere near that place.

Yesterday, she texted me to go over and see her with the kids. I was picking SD up, so that wasn't a problem. She had applied make up, and done her hair. She told me she was upset that I hadn't replied to a text she sent me on Sunday. I didn't think it needed and urgent reply, so left it and then forgot about it.

Today is my birthday and she sent me a text wishing me happy birthday. I sent a simple reply saying thank you. I'm not pandering, or getting any expectations, but there is a change. I just don't know what.


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Im doing great mate , i think sometimes we are so deep in our sitch that we cant aee what appears to be obvious to others not emotionally invested.

Please take this as my observations and i obviously have nothing to go o but your posts. Your W is living her life and moving forward. New car , cosmetic surgery etc. Yes she has problems like money and housing but right now she does t seem bothered by them and shes focusing on what she feels is important. Huddy needs to move forward. WW is moving forward. You ask how can you.move forward without conversation and that is so true BUT you have conversation and have had since day 1. Your life brother but its passing by. Will WW ever want you back , IMHO she knows ahe can if she wants so its not something that concerns her right now. If you want to wait then all good but this is a process and it has to be gone througb. DB offers you a path and guidence but its not easy. Again , just mu opinion but why would WW change anything because its all good for her right now.( in her mind )

Let go Huddy, the future is yours and your a good guy , working , beautiful kids , etc , etc. Leave WW to it , her life and her choices, be the best you and enjoy what you have because you are a very lucky man.

Hope i havent over stepped but i have been following and it seems as if your in a loop.

Take care mate.

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