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Ginger1 #2730438 02/16/17 12:32 PM
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Laowai Offline OP
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Well, in the context that it is mutually agreed upon in the beginning that it is purely casual BY BOTH PARTIES I would explain the situation discontinue the casual relationship and work on the M. This is what I am trying to say, there are sooooo many people out there looking for the same type of relationship. Not everyone needs/wants to enter into a relationship for the purpose of long term. I just don't see how one could say you're not ready to date. Does this mean I am not ready to have casual sex or a hookup either?

I really appreciate this discussion by the way and don't want you to think that I am dismissing what you are saying, I am merely countering with my opinions.

Laowai #2730440 02/16/17 12:37 PM
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Does your counselor think this is a good idea?

The concern is that you're just filling the void after your spouse and supressing the pain and grieving that you have to go through, with the hormonal highs from a new relationship - regardless how casual it is.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Laowai #2730442 02/16/17 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted By: Laowai
Well, in the context that it is mutually agreed upon in the beginning that it is purely casual BY BOTH PARTIES I would explain the situation discontinue the casual relationship and work on the M. This is what I am trying to say, there are sooooo many people out there looking for the same type of relationship. Not everyone needs/wants to enter into a relationship for the purpose of long term. I just don't see how one could say you're not ready to date. Does this mean I am not ready to have casual sex or a hookup either?

I really appreciate this discussion by the way and don't want you to think that I am dismissing what you are saying, I am merely countering with my opinions.


I was asking this question in context to the fact you said you are ready for a "partner" and a "relationship".

Hey, casual sex, sure, I guess everyone is ready for that. What you said you are ready for earlier is different than what you are saying now.

I'll end the discussion now. But I do think you have a lot to think about, because you do keep contradicting yourself.

Ginger1 #2730444 02/16/17 12:40 PM
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One more thing.....

Wanting a woman to put you as a priority (which is what you said you want) is pretty selfish if YOU don't put her HER as a priority. Get what I am saying here?

Ginger1 #2730445 02/16/17 12:43 PM
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Laowai Offline OP
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Very valid points Ginger. I will tuck my tail now and admit defeat. I certainly did contradict myself in this conversation. I suppose I have long term and short term thoughts on this and I certainly didn't do a good job of separating those in this conversation. To that I will say "Well played my friend, well played!" smile

Painter #2730448 02/16/17 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: Painter
Does your counselor think this is a good idea?

The concern is that you're just filling the void after your spouse and supressing the pain and grieving that you have to go through, with the hormonal highs from a new relationship - regardless how casual it is.


Counselor said that she is fine with casual dating but that I need to be open with her regarding my ongoing thoughts and feelings on it. Her concern is that I could become too serious to quickly, which is understandable. Either way, I can't do any of this legally/ethically/morally until D...so I suppose that has a lot to do with my desire to move things along a bit. I do have this gut feeling (and I hate that I have this feeling) that it would be best for me to never see or talk to W again. That absolutely terrifies me, but sometimes I feel like you need to trust your gut. I am undecided if this is one of those times.

Laowai #2730472 02/16/17 03:24 PM
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So, do listen to your counsellor who has concerns about this too. I would encourage you to use the time to extend your social circle instead of dating. We are all pretty needy and desperate in the early stages of our situation, and it is good to get to a stronger place ourselves before we think about spending romantic time with others.

I've been posting here for a while as you can see from my post numbers. I've never seen a single person post - Heck, I waited far too long before I started dating - but I have seen plenty regret jumping into dating too soon. I recall seeing a post from a guy once that made me cry. He said that is greatest regret in this whole journey is that he did date far too soon and he broke the heart of a good woman. You see, hurt people hurt people.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I've been a bit of a Debbie downer about this. I'm 9 months out from our D being finalised and kind of starting to think about dating once the year mark has passed. I'd at least like to go out on a friendly date sometime this year. But there has been a lot of water under my bridge at this point.

Take care Laowai smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2730840 02/20/17 10:46 AM
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Well, interesting turn of events I suppose. I was contacted by me WW's sister. She asked for my side of the story because apparently my WW has been an emotional wreck ever since I had my last conversation with her. So, although I didn't feel like she was entitled to it, I gave it to her. After sharing my perspective she informed me that my WW's counselor has told her that she needs to "break up" with her AP, and go to counseling with me. She asked if I would be willing to go with her if she asked me. I of course said "yes, but it's not so simple. Going to counseling is only a very small piece of the puzzle. So far there has been no remorse, and the affair is ongoing. Only after the Affair stops and true remorse is shown can we even begin to think about moving forward." A little while later me WW called me and told me that she is "willing to go to counseling with me" I told her that would be fine. My intent behind going with her right now is to find out where she is at, because she hasn't been able to speak a single sentence to me after our last conversation regarding where I stand on things. I truly feel like this session (whenever it may be) very well may be the time for me to completely lay out what is necessary for me to consider working on an R with her. My suspicion is that my requirements will be far too demading and it will be time to just cut our losses and tell her that I am moving forward with D. This is obviously all just an assumption, but it is my gut feeling. So, it is at least a step in a forward direction whether it be positive or negative.

Laowai #2730842 02/20/17 10:53 AM
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Awesome news, it seems to me!

While you think about your boundaries, I encourage you to a) remember that the boundaries are for YOU, not for controlling your wife, and b) don't get into a blaming mode -- think about what you did poorly in your marriage, and what you can do to be a better partner, should she be willing to reconcile.

You don't want to go back to your old marriage. Neither in terms of her behavior, nor yours.

Happy for you for this development.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
ForGump #2730904 02/21/17 01:02 AM
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That's encouraging news. Just on boundaries, I think it is important to say that OM needs to be out of the picture before you agree to go to counselling with your W. If he is in the picture, my guess is your investment in counselling will be wasted.

'W, I'm willing to work on repairing our M and will go to counselling, but only if there isn't a third person in the picture' - or similar - you get my gist...

smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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