Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I know that this is very difficult for you, but try not to compare your situation w/the other posters. Each situation is different and we don't know all of the ins and outs of their situation because we only get tidbits along the way due to privacy concerns.

You've not had physical contact w/your h for about 3 months, but you did speak briefly w/him in January, so techinically, that was just a month ago. One month or three is not a long time in MLC land. He's not thinking about you right now because he's in his own little world. Whereas, you are thinking about him all of the time. You've not detached enough to realize that contacting him would be pursuing him and reminding him that you are out there. He is very well aware of where you are. Let me give you an example of what transpired in my situation, my xh left the second time in December 1999 and I didn't see him again until the first meeting to discuss the interrogatories and that was in 2002. Now, that's a long time. He only called me a couple of times during that time, acting nasty and making nutty demands. So, if your h is out there and not bothering you or acting nasty...you are one the lucky one. However, if you push or chase after him w/calls, emails, texts, he just might get nasty and tell you to leave him alone entirely and that he's filing.

No, this isn't what you want w/your life and you have two choices, either file for a divorce or live your life as if he might not return, i.e., leave the door ajar and continue on w/your life. Sometimes they reconnect if they see you aren't sitting there waiting on them to call or see you. If they know that you've go on w/your life, they may sense it's time to start touching base, but as long as you sit in one spot...he doesn't have any need to start paddling up stream.

Go back and re-read the detachment thread and Sandi2's rules over on Newcomers. You've got the tools in those threads and once you have a better understanding of how they work, you just might surprise yourself and begin doing more in the detachment area when you least expect.

The first rule we always remind posters of is keep the focus on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Mlc is a very difficult road for the LBS

We have to try to figure out which path to take and if any of these choices will make the MLCer come home

The reason time is on our side is because while we wait we heal
one day at a time
until the time comes when all the decisions are made either by us, by them, or but he universe

After 2 years in Limbo, my D was final, I met a man
I didn't want another R
but it happened..Im still with that man
shortly after I got involved my xh decided to Marry OW
he is still with her ( not happy but together)

When the timing is right , we will know-
When my XH Married the oW I was already in another R, but that was it for me
I was done


after 2 years of hanging in limbo
going to therapy every week
DB like crazy..It was just over
but I learned a lot and I gave it my best
I never regret trying and It was an important time of growth for me and my kids

At the time, I wanted my x back-today I would pass


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
T
New Member
Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
Hi skm, just read this part of your story and I am very sorry you are here.

I am in the MLC land since my BD July 2014. Maybe even earlier if I am honest. I am the queen of many mistakes, emotional reactions and lots of expectations.

It's indeed a brutal road to walk and there is so much desperation in us that we get lost in ourselves.

Time is not to be a friend to make the XS to miss us. Living it I came to understand that time is my friend to really look into myself and see why do I feel such desperation.

It's amazing that with time we start to disassemble ourselves in many pieces and we start confronting ourselves in all areas. We tend to forget why we got here in the first place and we give in to the excrucuating pain that absorb us every second.

It took me a long time to came to some sense, and I am not even close to be feeling totally good with myself. But today I am understanding better what I did to ruin my marriage, understanding that part of my pain is guilty.

I understand my hate for what my XH did, but I also see why he did in the first place.

Time also is helping me to face some of my childhood issues and how I can finally clean those inside myself.

It's helping me to look in the mirror and finally see just one person. Who do I want to see in that mirror is up to me. How that person will behave and react is up to me. I start living myself again.

I did not detached from my XH yet. I have way too much contact and it is disturbing at times. But I feel detached myself from my old self. Now, I don't see a mother, a wife, a person that was hanging in there for everyone. I see a woman that has her likes and dislikes, that wants to make plans for the years left in her life.

I am rescuing my independence and with it it's coming along my smile, my energy to see the world in nice colors again.

I do not want to go into any R right now, but I want to live a life that is my choice.

Regarding my XH, he is trying to pick up the pieces yet. He changed a lot during this time. The first year after BD he was a complete mess and yes I was the worse monster. He was and is nice to me, but there was a lot of venom in his comments every time we spoke.

Now, he is in the apology mode. He tells me that he could have reacted different, he could have treated me better, etc.

What I am trying to say is that we all start changing as soon as the BD happen.

You think that he is having fun, living a life of Gods, but you really don't know. I learned with time, that my XH was miserable. Just an example, on 2015 my X's family called on his birthday, to ask me to help him because he was thinking to end it all. And I was in my own world, thinking he was having fun and enjoying the day and talking to OW all the time. I couldn't be more wrong.

Believe the advices you are getting here. I tried to ignore it many times and do my way full of emotions and I always came back to say... yes, I shouldn't, it was worse, I regret and blah, blah, blah.

One thing I learned... needy is not attractive. Independent and self confident is sexy and very attractive.

I know you need to walk this road with your own feet, and learn your own lessons as you go. I just felt the need to write to you because I am quite emotional and my reactions are the same. But I am now, sure that this is not what will make my XH to look at me and fall in love again.

I am making myself new, stronger and why not... sexier. I know that lately his eyes can shine when he sees me.

So, fake it until you make it, it works.

Cry on your pillow, get help somewhere else, look for things you like, work a lot, whatever you do start asking who you are and who you want to be. Just you, no one else involved.

Regarding filling or not. In my situation I filled to protect my finances, my assets and I do not regret. Everyone has a different situation, but you need to separate your feelings from finances. If waiting is fine, then wait. If it will hurt your tomorrow, then file.

Good luck sweetie... you can do this, I am here hoping I can do too.

Love,
Tita (Pink)


I am PINK
D - 8/2015
Sons: 22, 19, 16
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
Job, peacetoday and Tita.....thank you for all of your responses.

I know that I have not detached enough. That is evident by my words and my thoughts. I just don't know how to do it!! I don't know how to turn my back on something that I wanted and worked very hard on for a long time. My M was something very important to me.

I just don't understand how someone just ups and walks away and I am supposed to be okay with it, and then continue to live my life like it never happened?? And how H is living his life like the M never happened? This is so messed up!!!

I am at work and just heard the daily devotional from the Chaplain and it was about waiting. The last thing he said was this .....

"waiting can result in our greatest blessings"

It's as if I was supposed to hear this tonight .... divine intervention?

I really am trying to be patient frown

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
T
New Member
Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
Skm, anxiety is my worse enemy too. I am a resolve it now person, but maybe that's why it's happening to us. It's to learn patience, using our self control for our benefit.

It's not actually just waiting. I got very confused with the same subject. And was acually seeing things the same way you are seeing now.

But, the more I tried to convince my XH that our marriage was valuable and that we could put some hard work on it and we could pull it together and be happier then ever, the more he justified that things were so bad for the last 10 years.

For a year he said that nothing worked between us. That I didn't love him. But guess what? A month ago, he mention a place in California where we had vacations a few years ago and then I said that we better don't even bring back bad stuff and he said that it was actually a very fun vacation, that he was happy and didn't even realized it.

So, they also need time to reflect on their actions. They are somewhat confused too. They know what they did and sometimes they feel guilty, ashamed but other times they think that if you were a better person, more this or more that, that they wouldn't be in the mess that they are.

You feel the way you feel and you know what is going on in your mind. He also feel stuff, he is also up and down.

He needs to be left alone to look into himself too. One thing that use to bother my XH is that I somehow managed never text, call or ask him for anything.

Every time something happen, was because he came to my house, or sent me a text. The bad side on that is that he knows me well, he knew what bottoms to push and I fell for it and reacted to his provocations.

But I have been learning to guard myself better and show him I am moving foward with my life.

It hurts, I know. I worked very hard too. I gave up my life, my family, my good career, everything for this man. I followed him, made a home for him to come back everyday and then he gave it all up, fell for a coworker.

It's very hard to look at all that and accept that the old marriage is dead, but it is and your only chance is to get out of the torment of all this destruction and start setting yourself for war.

The early you get it, better are your chances to get what you are looking for.

Focus on what you can improve in yourself. Start on the outside to get some self confidence, I changed my hair color, lost a lot of weight. I know I look better and I drive him crazy.

Then, are you seeing an IC to help you to cope with your desperation and your broken heart? I got an IC that worked even in other areas of my life, I got into a divorce support group and started going out with them, got myself into a gym and exercised a lot to feel better, I got into a bible school, changed religion, drove all east coast with my kids during a long vacation.

Are you taking any antidepressant, I got a mild one for a year and it helped me big time.

With time it stared showing my X that I was not sitting around waiting for him to feel sorry for me. Then he started questioning himself what he did too.

And with time you feel stronger, more confident and of course more attractive.

It's not a game, but it's the way human beings respond romantically.

Try to remember why he fell in love with you in the first place. Where is that woman? Can you be more like that lady that drove him crazy?

I know it is difficult, and I would like to be there to cry with you. I still cry a lot. But now I soak my pillow and talk to God to ask for strenght to endure the battle.

But you will find strenght you didn't even know you had. Things go around and come around. Help yourself, you will feel better, I know you will.

Did you wrote a list of your goals, even small ones for now? It helps, because it is not only detaching from your H. It's detaching from your marriage, your routine, your habits beside him, your role as wife. It's very overwhelming.

It helps to create a list because you start focusing better. Stop being sad sometimes and start thinking what you will start doing, what will give you a chance to reconcile.

Remember that what seems wrong, will probably be the right thing to do. It seems that following the DB rules will drive him away, but it actually works to get their attention first, and then their curiosity, sometimes even their anger and frustration. But it works. Think about.

What about writing us what are your plans?

Love and lots of hugs. God bless you!!!
Tita


I am PINK
D - 8/2015
Sons: 22, 19, 16
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Skm, Pink is really giving sound advice above and also I truly understand your sense of disbelief. I'm sure many of us have shared that. The thing to know is that this is all really about HIM. Yes, I'm sure your marriage wasn't perfect and there were ways in which we could all have been better spouses. But it may well have been good - and yet he has decided to leave at least for now. He may decide to return at some point or he may not - the outcome is unknown at this point.

You say you are struggling to detach and I think Pink is spot on with what she says. I can recall V once posting that it is less about detaching from your spouse (ie: still all about them) and more about re-attaching to your own life (ie: sidelining them and all about you.) This may feel counter intuitive, but that's what DBing is.

So, I agree that it would be good to see some early goals from you. In all this mayhem (and putting your H to one side just now) what are you going to do for yourself? How are you going to work towards starting the healing process? What things will you do to soothe yourself. How will you get out and about and interacting with others? What new things will you learn. How will you reclaim yourself and your life?

This isn't giving up on your marriage - it is letting go whilst remaining willing to stand for your marriage without putting your own life on hold. Truly, you won't have regrets if you take this path....

:)x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
SKM

also one more thing if you can't detach just for today accept it
embrace it whatever the feeling is
we would toward detaching and letting go
it is a process, sometimes with many curves and loops many pains and griefs

this process of DB will get us there and to a place of no regrets


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
Pink, Sotto and peacetoday thank you so much for all of your words. It really does mean so much to me that you all are here to support me and to help me during all of this.

Pink.....I have to say after reading what you said to me I could feel that you understand my pain, and what I am feeling right now.

I so want to detach from the old marriage and my H and what used to be, and re-attach to something new in my life. But honestly there is a huge amount of fear that if I do that it means I have given up. I am not a person who gives up. In my mind my H gave up and walked away and I just cant do that.

When I kicked him out of the house after the BD, I did that so I could have some time to think about what I/we were going to do next. Never did I think he would take that as an opportunity to never come back.

I am leaving my H alone and have gone NC. I have not reached out to him in a while. I don't send him texts or emails or call him. We do not have children so there really is no need for us to communicate frequently. There are things that need to be discussed but he has shown me in the past that he doesn't know how to deal with all of this, so he just doesn't answer me if I do try to communicate with him. My hope is that he is taking this time to work on himself, but I know this man and he is very good at not dealing with things. He doesn't want to have to look in the mirror because he will not like what he sees.

I have started to do things for myself. I lost close to 30 lbs as a result of dealing with all of this. I have started to work out and I really am trying to take better care of myself. Eating is my hardest thing. I have no appetite.

I stopped seeing my IC because he had a different thought process about what he thinks I should do. He has never come out and told me that I should file for D, but he has told me that I am going to be waiting around a long time if I think H is going to come around.

I am taking antidepressants. I previously was taking them but weaned myself off, but have recently started taking them again because I could feel the depression worsening.

I try not to replay all of the terrible things he said to me. How he "didn't love me the last 3 years of our marriage" and how it was my fault he cheated because I "didn't love or need him enough" or that I was "too controlling." I do agree that I am a controlling person. I guess that is why all of this is so hard. I am learning to let go of that and am finding out that it is freeing.

Sotto.....my goal is going to be to try and put my H and what used to be aside, and start to make decisions based on me instead.

peacetoday.....I hope you are right when you say "this process of DB will get us there and to a place of no regrets"

I really want to get to that place. I am tired of crying and being sad. I really want to learn to not be so hard on myself too. People around me tell me that I am stronger then I think.

Whenever I am speaking to one of my patients in the hospital I say to them "slow and steady wins the race, and this is not a sprint, it's a marathon." I guess I need to start reminding myself of that too.

Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
Hi Skm, it's great to have a goal - but while that goal is about leaving him to one side, it's still about him.

Maybe have a think about some other things you want to do - Just as an example:

I want to learn to dance in 2017 - general goal

Specific goal for March - I'm going to decide what kind of dance, find a class and go along to my first lesson.

This can translate into so many areas - learning a language, taking up yoga - or whatever you may want to do.

But most importantly, it has nothing to do with your H and everything about you and how you want your life to be going forwards - regardless of the outcome.

Also, please don't feel you are walking away from your marriage. If and when your H raises this with you, you can clearly tell him that you love him and would like to work on the marriage - but until or unless he does, I think you are right to leave him be

:)x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
T
New Member
Offline
New Member
T
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
Hi skm, wow... loved to read your last post. And I think you are doing what you can at the moment.

It's so hard to swollen the whole thing. There is an empty hole inside of us. It's a constant pain that never goes away.

BUT, and there is a big but, as much as you would like to wake up the next day and find out that you just had your worst nightmare, it is not, and won't happen that way.

In my case, time and a collection of mistakes, made me look at the DB with more attention, and made me listen to some posters with more experience.

Many times I wanted to hear that there is a method that will make my XH to want to work on us for sure. I was looking for some magical process that would just happen and things would be put into the right place very fast.

Unfortunately, I got to the conclusion that such thing doesn't exist and some things may be or may never be resolved.

It's a heart breaking event that won't be erased from my life ever. It can be put in one small place inside of me, but it won't be erased ever.

So, after so long time, I come to the conclusion that "MY PAIN" can be managed by my actions and reactions. I control it even when I think I don't have any control on the outcome.

I am finally accepting that I need to look into myself and do what I want for myself. Amazing as it seems, I found out that I really want this independent if XH comes back or not, or even if there is another person in my life.

Now, I want my decisions and changes to be for myself and the more I do it, the better I feel.

Now, I look back and feel silly. I see that if I had listen to the advices here, I would be feeling much better a year ago or so.

But it is OK, maybe I wasn't ready to accept what I can't change, to make peace with someone's decisions and really, truly accept that it happen and won't change ever.

If one day we cross our lives, then it will be another R, it won't ever be the same again.

Just remember that everything will happen in your own time. You will hear many advices that make perfect sense and yet you will only accept them when you are ready. Give yourself that time, look into yourself and start searching for who you are now.

We all change, we all mature... so work on yourself to be better for "YOU". And give yourself a break every day. Allow yourself to be weak when you are alone, to cry when you feel lonely, to make mistakes when you can't take the pressure. It's all part of the process to get to a place where you will feel the need to live your own life independent of what happen on the sidelines.

And if one day your H decides to turn his head, he will be amazed of the person you are.

I hope you are well as you can be at this time. Hope you treat yourself with lots of patience too and care a lot after your health and well being.

There is a lot more to come, so keep your body healthy.

And, as Sotto mention above. I would like to hear some of your personal goals. You really need them even if you don't feel like it. Sometimes, I wanted to put myself in a cave and come out after 5years, but I forced myself to do things and I feel better now and it took me only 2years, so it is less time suffering, haha.

((((((((((skm))))))))))

Tita


I am PINK
D - 8/2015
Sons: 22, 19, 16
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard