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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2726378&page=1

Not sure if I copied the link right or not.

Journaling:
Not much to say other than that she is pushing harder to get all of the D paperwork finished so that we can finalize the D. Friends have told me that she has said that she wishes I would move on so that she could start dating. Kind of a gut punch, but whatever. I assume that that is very normal for those that want to get out a M and also want to still look respectable. I am getting the feeling that there is an OM that is waiting in the wings, but nothing is proven. If it is the same guy as the EA from April-July of last year I will be very PO'ed because he was someone that was a good family friend. Come to find out he is a very manipulative/charismatic individual.

I guess I need to completely detach from her at this point...hard to do to the mother of your children. Why isn't it easier to detach from someone that has made it clear that they don't want you or to be with you?


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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SBJ,

We are living parallel lives. Every question you ask...I too am asking. Mach1 just gave me some homework on my thread. I think the answer to why is it so hard to detach is related to FEAR...at least it is for me...so the q is: of what are you afraid? Figure that one out and then maybe it'll pave the way to detachment...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gord...I read his response on your thread and also read the link to eric's and I agree that fear is the answer:
1. I was a 20 yo kid when my W and I started dating and I don't have much life experience w/o her.
2. She has been responsible for all of our bill paying and finances for so long that I don't remember the last time I balanced a check book.
3. She has been my one and only intimate partner for the last 25 years.
4. I am fearful that I won't look right in the eyes of those that I talk to about God and his desire to keep marriages together...even though this is not my idea.
5. I am fearful that my kids will see that D is the easy way out of a M if you don't see eye to eye with your spouse. I don't want to ever hear that they give up and I feel that by going thru with a D that I am giving up on my M.

I really don't have any good answers to any question other than the fact that I guess I am co-dependent to my W. I was happy when she was happy. I gave me pleasure to do for her and give to her. I forgot what it means to be truly happy for myself. Not to mention the fact that she wasn't one to do for me simply out of the kindness of her own heart. An old joke between us was that there are "givers" and "takers" in this world...I was the giver and she was the taker. It finally was summed up by her extreme selfishness in our current sitch.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Your link is okay. I'll go ahead and link the new thread to the previous one for you. Thanks so much!

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Originally Posted By: SBJ


Friends have told me that she has said that she wishes I would move on so that she could start dating. Kind of a gut punch, but whatever. I assume that that is very normal for those that want to get out a M and also want to still look respectable.

SBJ .... so look at this from a DB perspective. Why would she need you to move on so she can date? For those of us who have been at this for a time, this is because of the guilt. If you would just go and date someone thats all she needs to justify her actions and do this guilt free. This comment is more about her than you ... understand that.


Originally Posted By: SBJ

I am getting the feeling that there is an OM that is waiting in the wings, but nothing is proven. If it is the same guy as the EA from April-July of last year I will be very PO'ed because he was someone that was a good family friend. Come to find out he is a very manipulative/charismatic individual.


Also realize, after a long relationship it would be wise to take some time and heal, the fact she is insinuating already dating so quickly is a red flag, one you will be forced to accept as hard as it is ... and the gut punch that follows. It is fairly rare someone goes through MLC without the OP, it does happen but understand it is a possibility. Very well may be in your case she is just hiding it, or maybe she is keeping things at arms length till she gets those D papers and she can do as she pleases. Regardless ... as I have said .. MLCrs will do what they will do.

Look up Affair Down, this too is common with the MLCrs and the OPs, and understand most likely if there is an A its not bound to last ..... my MLCr has been on and off again with OM more than I can count, and I have no idea what the status is of those two currently as it took to much of my energy to even keep tabs on it.

Originally Posted By: SBJ

I guess I need to completely detach from her at this point...hard to do to the mother of your children. Why isn't it easier to detach from someone that has made it clear that they don't want you or to be with you?


Its easier said than done, trick is to GaL so much you simply do not have time ... and after awhile of that you start reinventing yourself and finding yourself actually liking your new life ... like MLC this part takes time too but you will be a stronger man for it.
This part of it is not easy, and I am not an authority on how to detach as I admittedly stunk at this, but over time I have gradually realized her crisis and sinking ship could no longer be my crisis and sinking ship.
Like the Lobster story I shared, you have to suffer to the point you cast off that co-dependent shell and start to change for your own good ... question is when have you suffered enough to do this remains to be answered.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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THX Cali...I have read up on the "affair down" thing and I agree, but because the AP was a guy that I knew, worked out with, and welcomed into my house for dinner, I feel even more PO'd about it. Again, she says that nothing happened between them, but I know that there was an EA simply due to the amount of phone time they spent. Not to mention times that they had met for lunch or coffee.

She is very self-conscious about her reputation and her image, so I know that she is waiting to go public either with her new single-ness or with OM. That doesn't make me feel any better either way, but it is out of my control.

I am trying to focus on healing me, and you are correct about waiting for a while as far as dating is concerned. I would be in no position emotionally to give any relationship a chance. Why do that to someone else...wouldn't be fair. I would be lying to you if I said that the thought of being with someone else hadn't crossed my mind, but then my W pops into my head and it goes away. I haven't been with another woman, other than my wife, since 1994. Sounds crazy, but that just tells us that we are lifers when it comes to relationships.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
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SBJ

My journey in all this seems looking back you could outline it in sections, thinking about that ... might do some good to actually Outline it all ... may think of that ... anyways ...

I think men typically look to date to fill the void, rebuild ego and just validate they are worthy .... for whatever reason seems we take the personal hit of OM a bit harder than our LBS-W counterparts. Again ... just difference in the sexes in my opinion.

You are correct in the thought that you are no where near the emotional level required for a new relationship ... with all that has happened you are not even there to have one with your W either, that's the PTSD effects of a BD and something you will have to sort through as you process and heal.

Thing to keep in mind, you can not control her, OM, the weather nor all the elements that surround you ... you can only control how you react to these things, and tbh at first its hard to even do that ... you have to train yourself. Control you, focus on you, improve you ... the rest is out of your hands.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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SBJ,

I know this stinks. Growth from within yourself stinks sometimes too because the growth comes because of something you don't want.

My EXW's affair dude was a friend as well. was in my house many times watching football etc.

So I know the punch in the gut, the pain, anguish....all of it. I know!!

What I will tell you is this. You will grow immeasurably, you will grow stronger, you will look at life differently. There is life on the other side. I know you may not believe that but I wanted you to know from somebody who has been there.

As Cali mentioned. Some fill the void with.....whatever. Fill the void by becoming stronger, answering the tough questions about yourself. Little by little you take back you. This is not a sprint. It is a long trek but so worthwhile.

Just know we are here behind you. We have taken this journey and are here to give you a lift or just listen if necessary.

You are on the right path. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Mirage

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I don't think men have the market cornered on being eviscerated by a spouse's affair. I have a pretty healthy imagination, and the picture of them being together doing anything - even her sitting in the front seat of his car - puts a ball of frozen lead into my stomach faster than I can even complete the thought.

But you might be on to something - in my case OW was also someone that we know, someone we've sat with at parties who knows me and knows that we have children together. I think that definitely makes it worse - knowing your spouse could (a) do that to you and (b) the OP who knows you could do that too. It's a double whammy.

I like Cali's suggestion for detaching as GAL so much that you're too busy to think about them. That seems so much more doable than just trying to think your way through to detachment.

It seems like many of us are in a similar stage right now...


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
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I get the feeling she is making such comments to state to the world that she isn't seeing anybody. Her bringing up those " false rumours" was another way for her to state that she is not seeing anyone. To me she is trying too hard to press home the point.

Tbh there is nothing stopping her dating. You moving on or not has nothing to do with it. She wanted to leave, she left. If she wants to date, which she repeatedly states that she does, well she will date.

I obviously do not know but I would believe your gut on this one. Many lbs are torn apart wondering IF and then explode when that if is confirmed.Many vets tell newbies to assume that there is another person and that it is serious. Once that is accepted (not approved) by lbs, the lbs can stop WONDERING and realise their spouse is lost for the time being and hence the lbs can focus on other things.

So if it helps you to think of other things, why not assume it to be true. Either way she does not want a R with you. I know that is hard but that is where you are at. It is even in your thread title.

Before I change topic, I am curious as to what your friends tell W about you? Why does she think you are not moving on? Be careful what and how you say things to mutual friends. Viewing where you are, I would encourage you to inform your mutual friends that you no longer wish to discuss what W is doing or saying.

Those snippets of information are spinning in your head. Each word she says or action she takes, you move them around in your head to piece together this puzzle. But tbh it does not matter if you fully understand what she is doing. Until she wants back in that is wasted energy and time.

It's time to hunker down and prepare for this not going your way for a long time. She wants to D and she wants to date. It could take months or more likely years before that changes. How are you going to spend that time? Imagine that it will take THREE more years before she wants to try again with you. Not all WAS do come back but assume that you know for a fact that she will but not for another THREE years.

So I ask again how are you going to live for those three years? I can tell you now that unless you move towards LIVING and THRIVING that will be a very very loonnnnnnggggggg time. Now you know you have time. Let's figure out how best to use it.

GAL is a key component for so many reasons. It fills your hours but also your head. Part of it is about getting busy, but it is called GAL for a reason. It is a good start just to be able to do stuff but the aim is to do stuff you like or better still that you love. A side affect of this is you meet people with similar interests, you are doing stuff that you can discuss with others and ultimately that makes you a more interesting person and that can be/is attractive. But along the way you find yourself and get to like that guy.

You have some good people in your corner. Listen to them. I borrowed a traits changing tool from Caliguy. I know he didn't invent it but to me it is his as I first read about it in his posts. Basically you make three lists:
A. List 5 things you like most about you
B. List 5 things/traits you dislike about you.
C. List 5 traits you consider desirable but don't have.

List A helps self image as it points out our good characteristics.TThe tool is to put together a plan to replace the items from B with those on list C. I don't have the time to outline in more detail but that is basically it.

Best wishes my friend.I understand what you are feeling and it is normal.It just will not help you. Change your focus.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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