On the long and lonely road - trying to own it

[Si_07]

Hi 2016,

The biggest thing I learnt about myself is how much I lost myself in the 2 moves I made. That is what I have worked on a lot over the past year.

The first move was to be with her in her country, I didn't have the paperwork at the beginning and ended up being almost 2 years out of work. I had given up the sport I played, that I was passionate about but wasn't played where she lived. I moved into her life, her friends of which most spoke the native language, they spoke English too but often the conversations were in the other language. When I would sit close to W so she could translate, she would do it for a bit but then get frustrated that I was in her space too much.

During this time, I also lost my grandmother who I was very close too. I didn't go home but on the night she died, my W went out partying with her friends getting drunk and got home at 4am. Then when I was pi$$ed off about it, she told me I should have gone home (a sentiment she still holds to today). My gut at the time told me to go home and not look back, I chose to stay and make it work... This was also after we spent many weekends at her grandmothers as she was dying of cancer. I would carry her grandmother from the bedroom to the main room so she could be with everyone. I had various members of the family crying on my shoulder at the funeral.

I can understand the feeling of a good person doing a bad thing, in a fog, never really loved me etc.... I believe she may have loved me in some way, what way that is or was, my only thoughts are as long as we were there for her we worked. Yet if I needed that person to lean on, she let me fall time and again...

I have read a great article recently about moving abroad for love... It ran true in so many ways, how moving for love can make you miserable. I was for many periods. Moving from family, friends, the support network, the things you know... If the person you move for won't or can't understand this, then often it causes damage. I was the 'husband' that moved for my wifes career, how often do we see the movies where the wives are all huddled together at the business get togethers. I was often with the wives.... or on my own.... The difference is, I wasn't the spoilt husband with the presents etc if you know what I mean...

The advice I can give you.... is you are stronger than you know. It's really hard to get going, I know this but remember the courage you had to move, you have that same courage to get out there and meet people. Look for meetups, etc.

I understand the feeling of wanting to go home, it is my kids that keep me here. If I could move them, I would in a heartbeat. I still struggle from time to time but I look at what I have done and remember the strength I have. My father and I talk often, he clips me round the ear when I wallow too much and praises what I have done. How I am with my kids, how I am getting out and meeting different people.

I joined an expat group and am meeting people doing the same as me, living in a country that is not home along with locals. Is there something like that where you are?

I'll help you in anyway I can, if you have any questions, just ask...

[Anchor]

Hi Si_07

Thanks so much for your lovely, encouraging, kind post. I'm really sorry I haven't replied any sooner. Kind of fell into a black hole.

I have a question - you say if you could move the kids, you would in a heartbeat. Even if this meant they wouldn't see their mom?

My lawyer advises I could fight to move my son back home - it will cost a fortune, but on the balance I would likely win. It's not the money though, it's my love for my son. I don't want to do anything to make him upset. My home is a 13 hour direct flight from his father's home. When my son wakes up in the night and says "I miss daddy", at least here I can say "you can see him tomorrow". Can't do that if I move back home.

So am coming to the realisation this is it. I'm going to have to live here. Die here. I'm grieving all the time.

Do you ever plan to move back home when the kids are grown? I've been thinking that, but by the time my son is grown my parents and a lot of my family will have passed. And I want to be around to see his children, should he have any.

I am trying really hard to integrate like never before. I've been on a bunch of Meet Ups. Went dancing by myself. It wasn't good. A club full of lost people in pain, trying to lose themselves in sensuality. I've not gone back to that one since. The other meet up I did was for a theatre group. They were a bit frosty, they were all a certain vintage and I was a bit out of place. Having picked myself off the floor, am going to try another one this Wednesday, philosophy group.

[Anchor]

I've been off the boards for a while, well, because I kind of got upset with the whole DB thing. Because it shouldn't be called DB-ing really. Divorce Busting. IMHO, this is why so many newbies get confused as to what DB-ing is. It's not really about divorce busting. Divorce busting is what happens as a side effect, IF you're lucky. It's a misnomer really. I think I would prefer it if it was called GAL-ing or healing. Or even standing, because that's probably more accurate, but without the Christian motives. I don't see how you can say someone's successfully divorce-busted even if they've healed and moved on if they've got divorced.

ok semantics grumble over. Sorry everyone just needed to get that off my chest.

I've also not been posting because, well, I didn't know what to say. I found that by reporting on interactions with WH I was getting focussed on him and not my development, which wasn't helpful to my detachment. Not to say I'm detached now.

I've been seeing a therapist who tells me I am clinically depressed. Tried 2 lots of antidepressants, unsuccessfully, both made me feel very ill.

On Wednesday for the first time I felt truly suicidal. I think it coincided with a bunch of things - not sleeping well, the realisation that WH is not coming back, and DS being a total brat at bedtime. Put him to bed at 7.30 and he was still rolling around at 9pm. When he finally fell asleep at 9.30 I was shaking with frustration, anger, just all round misery. Because in my head I was thinking about the nice time WH was having with OW, while I listened to my DS NOT falling asleep. And when he falls asleep, what else do I have to do except read my self help books, pray, cry or do housework? Yes, I know I should do something more constructive, but I don't have the attention span to read any fiction or even watch a tv programme, let alone a movie. Back to the clinical depression diagnosis I guess.

So once DS fell asleep, I burst into tears, went down to the kitchen and got out a knife. I had every intention of finally doing it. I was fed up, fed up FED UP. Was going to sit in a nice hot bath, slit my wrists and text WH to turn up in an hour or so to collect DS. I had it. I was done. I stood there, looking at the knife, feeling ready, willing and able - all this pain would be done with - when anger washed over me. If anything, hate delivered me. If I bumped myself off, WH and OW would make the right noises, but they would LOVE it. I would become a caricature, like Rochester's mad wife in the attic, they would make noises about poor WH's unstable first wife and he would get it all - the house, my son... What's worse, she would get it all, with him. So I put down the knife and had a hot shower. Not today, not ever.

The best revenge is a life well lived. I have no idea how I'm going to do that at this moment in time, but as of this moment I am picking myself off the floor and starting again. Again. And that includes DB-ing. Yes, DIVORCE BUSTING. Come on vets, give it to me. It isn't over until it's over.

[Anchor]

Have been feeling particularly flat today. Instead of going to watch a movie as I had planned after work (WH's night with DS and I try to keep out of the way, and do GAL stuff), I went home once I was sure DS would be asleep. Got home at 9, when I would normally get home around 10.30-11, so WH was surprised to see me. I was praying he would just leave as he normally does, because all I wanted to do was have a hot shower and have a good cry (makes me feel better), but he wanted to talk. I walked straight past him to the kitchen, and he came into tell me some nuggets about DS, and then about his parents (they are visiting tomorrow and staying with me - give me strength!), and then about his car which he's selling... He would tell me one thing, then leave and then come back and tell me another thing, and then leave and then come back. At one point he asked me if I was all right. I looked him in the eye and said "yes, just tired." No way in hell he's ever going to know he causes me pain anymore.

He wanted to talk about the house. He wants me to agree to sell it. I don't want to. I love this house. DS loves this house. Legally I haven't got a leg to stand on. My lawyer said no court would insist I get the house. So whether I get the house or not is down to WH's good will. He asked if we could talk about it, which to me is the equivalent of talking about divorce settlement.

WH has been to see a lawyer, in March. But he hasn't mentioned the D word, not yet.

I told him tonight I didn't want to sell the house, that I understood he would have to take out some equity to get his own place, but I would like to retain it otherwise and I would be the one to worry about the bills. He looked pained at this and said, "No matter what you think of me, I don't want you or DS to ever struggle." I just looked at him, said nothing, nodded slightly.

He's being so nice, so caring. He's said to me a few times over the last few months that he cares about me, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing (continuing to pay half share of bills despite having left the house) if he didn't care about me. I never respond because in my head that's just crazy, insincere talk.

I got a book that Bluwave was talking about in one of her earlier threads, about nice guys, and my WH Is TEXTBOOK. Because of this I am confused as to whether he does care about me, or whether he cares about being seen as a nice guy.

Before he left, he came back into the kitchen again and invited me to stay around on Sunday morning. WH and his parents intend to give DS his birthday presents early, on Sunday, because I am taking DS to see my parents in my home country for 3 weeks in May - my father and DS share the same birthday and this is the last one they will be able to spend together if DS goes to school here. I looked at him and said ok. This is a 180 for me because normally I would express my hurt by avoiding him.

Frankly I really don't want to be around him. It hurts me too much. It hurts me to see him and to see how relaxed, happy and untroubled he is. The end of our marriage is killing me and it doesn't seem to faze him at all and that is so painful for me to see. But if I keep avoiding him/holding him at arm's length, we're never going to have a chance to reconnect and he doesn't have a chance to see I've changed. So what do you think, am I right to hang out with him around, especially since he's more or less invited me? He based the invitation on what DS would want, saying that he knew that DS would like to have us ALL there.

When I tell my friends about stuff like this that WH does, they just tell me it's evidence that he's moved on so so far away from the marriage that he's able to treat me like a friend. They say, and my therapist agreed today, that this behaviour indicates he's so completely moved on that he's able to have these interactions without any pain, to the extent that he thinks I should have no pain as well.

Honestly, if I didn't live where I did, in a built up neighbourhood, I would be outside screaming obscenities at the moon. Just that kind of day.

[OwnIt]

2016 did suck in the most major way. I don't really have anything to say, but I am so sorry for your pain. I can feel it permeating through your words. Time will heal this wound. Closing this door will help. You can do this. Your son needs you to do this. Instead of focusing on H and how he would feel, think about your lovely boy and all the glorious times that await you both.

[Anchor]

Thank you OwnIt. You're very kind.

I took some comfort in your message and tried to focus on it, but have had a couple of rough days. And in the last 24 hours, it's become A LOT worse.

Journaling...
Wednesday was difficult. I was trying to clear out my inbox and stumbled across some emails from WH from October 2015. He writes he loves me and I reply with the same message. We talked about how much we were looking forward to having a week away at his parents' and being able to leave our son and go out for a while. That week turned out to be a horrible week because of renovation issues. But it made me really sad to see that we've gone from saying we really loved each other to planning a divorce in 18 months.

I felt that I was meant to see that email because it made my heart soften to WH. I felt God was telling me my marriage would be restored. I felt happy. I felt confident that he does love me, deep down, and OW is just a distraction from the pain he must be feeling.

I went out to have dinner with a girlfriend after work and had a really good time. She is the friend I can talk openly honestly about my faith because she shares it and I feel I can be open with her about standing for the marriage without being judged as crazy or weak. I was really open with her about how I feel love for WH and regret. And we talked about whether he would ever come back. I didn't bring that up. I've found over the last few days people keep asking me what I would do if WH came back. My reply is I don't know because I don't think it's likely. When I read about reconciliations on here it's always preceded by some kind of contact, which WH is not doing with me at all at the moment. He does want to talk, but only about our son, and doesn't ask me about myself.

Got home tipsy and happy. WH was waiting for me to arrive and seemed a bit uncomfortable, but I put it down to his being annoyed that I was late. I was relaxed and happy around him.

Had a hot shower, tumbled into bed, looked at emails. And saw it. His email saying he's instructed a lawyer to commence divorce proceedings and I should keep an eye out for important emails.

For about a couple of hours I was completely numb. I just read the email again and again, and in between I watched my beautiful boy sleeping. I started messaging my friends but I did it with an empty heart. No one can help me now.

I got maybe a couple of hours sleep. At the middle of the night I wrote back to WH. I told him I was disappointed he was applying for divorce on based on my unreasonable behaviour, instead of two year separation which I thought would be more fair. He would have to wait another year and OW is not going to let him so it has to be unreasonable behaviour. I told him I found those emails from October 2015 and how sad it made me feel. But that if this is what he needed to do, I understood. And I wished him the peace he was looking for.

This morning I told my son we could stop praying for Daddy to come home now, because he's not going to, but we were going to be all right. He looked confused and started talking about his transformers. I told him I loved him and this had nothing to do with him.

On the way to work WH called. He called to clarify that he was uncomfortable with the grounds for divorce but he had to do it to move things along. He apologised for letting me know before my trip. This is the first time I've spoke to him about anything else but our son in months. I asked him if he was happy. He said yes. I asked him if he loved her. He said yes. I asked him if he had ever considered reconciliation since he left for her in November. He said no. He kept saying he was sorry and he hoped I would find happiness with someone else.

I asked him about how he used to say I made him want to be a better man. He said I did do that for him - past tense. I asked him how he could be with someone like OW and her lack of integrity. Earlier on in the conversation he said she knew he was just starting divorce proceedings, which means he's confessed about lying to her about starting the divorce in July 2016, and she's still with him. I said to him she was demonstrating her lack of integrity and was he really going to give up everything to be with someone like that. He said he hadn't considered it from that angle.

I told him I loved him unconditionally, that I understood him better than anyone else in the world because I knew him better than anyone else in the world, why he did the things he did, how he felt, the anger he must be feeling. At this point WH said he had to get off the phone because he had to teach a lesson, and asked if we could continue talking on Friday night. I said I don't really want to. He got annoyed and said, "Well if what I want to?" So I said ok. But I don't think there's any point.

The pain has arrived. I don't know how to bear it but I know I must. And will have to for quite a while more.

Does anyone reading have faith in God? Why is this happening?

[Anchor]

I want to say that since February I have totally let go - from WH's perspective anyway. I haven't pursued, initiated any R talk, been pleasant and cordial, practiced the distant neighbour thing. This morning when I spoke to him, he said he could see I had changed and he was happy for me, and that I seemed happier without him. I told him I was happier, in myself, but not without him.

For me, an 180 would be to pursue I guess, because I was very cold and standoffish previously.

[15Stang]

2016,
I thought I'd offer up my thoughts based from my experience.

You asked "Does anyone reading have faith in God? Why is this happening?"

I'll do my best to provide an answer. You can read up on my situation to see what I've had to deal with.

I follow Jesus and I live out my faith in God. I've asked the question many times to God "why is this happening?" My STBXW would also state she is a christian. I never, ever thought I'd be facing a divorce in my life. I thought my wife and I would work through anything. This is false thinking on my part as it assumes the other person will act or behave like I do. Realizing this false thinking has been really hard to accept.

Quick synopsis of my sitch- My wife is leaving me for a man who is far inferior to me in many ways (financial, character, integrity, real love, morality, etc). The hurtful truth is he is probably also better than me in areas that I struggle in (communication). Right now my wife has had the best of both worlds. She is able to do what she wants with the financial settlement from the pending divorce and assets we have acquired through our marriage. I probably meet 80%-90% of her needs. The OM has only been responsible to meet 10%-20% of her needs throughout the affair. Maybe he will be able to meet all of her needs but since I know him very well I am certain this will not happen. My wife wouldn't admit it but broken (her) has attracted broken (him) and it will be very difficult for her to achieve happiness. Once the emotional high wears off is when the issues they have will come to light. Right now they both blame their current (soon to be divorced spouses). One thing I have learned over the last 3 years dealing with my W's affairs is "pain that is not transformed WILL BE transmitted". I have seen this play out in my marriage and in the OM's marriage. He was my best friend and would confide in me the pain he was still dealing with from his own parents affair and divorce. My wife has dealt with a lot of pain before our marriage as well. I have also contributed to her pain (which is 100% on me to own). None of this makes it ok to abandon a spouse and not honor your commitments. This is also something I've learned over the past 3 years. "People don't leave what they have unless what they think they are going to is better."

Enough about me- Now to try to help you with your question. "Why is this happening?" I am so sorry for your situation and I am sorry that you have so little control of the outcome. I know how helpless it feels and my heart weeps for you. The truth is God doesn't owe us an explanation. We are to trust Him with the outcome (and yes I know how hard this really is when your heart has been crushed). 2 verses that have helped me are: Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. NIV"
Proverbs 16:25 "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. NLT" This statement appears multiple times in Proverbs as King Solomon repeated it to emphasize the importance of following God's way. We are easily deceived.

I mentioned above that "people don't leave what they have unless they think what they are going to is better". I hate this quote but it is 100% true. The issue for me is while it is true it can be based in 100% wrongness. This is how Proverbs 16:25 works within the quote above. I, you, others all have plans and "think" our way is the best and right. Some of us even follow our thinking without ever questioning our decisions and thinking. The warning is quite clear. It leads to death, bad things, bad situations, regret, etc. This is as true for the LBS and the spouse that is leaving. All of us can make horrible choices and hurt countless others in the process. To answer your question "why is this happening" the answer is simple and I don't mean to make light of it. The answer is.... people are allowed to make their own choices. Sometimes those choices are made for all of the wrong reasons. Those choices hurt and injure many people. But here is the rub that really gets me..... They wouldn't be making those choices if they didn't THINK it was going to be better. This doesn't mean their thinking is correct. But from their perspective they believe they are correct. The LBS and others pay a hell of a cost suffering through the choices of their spouses. It is not fair and it is not right. But we cannot control another person. I'll repeat this for my own good as I'm still learning it: We cannot control another person.

I'll end with this (as it relates to my situation)
-Is God in control?- Yes
-Why did He allow it to happen?- Because people have free choice
-Will God tell me why it is happening?- I don't know
-Will God restore my marriage?- Only God knows
-Am I at fault for my spouse's choices?- No. Never. Regardless of the justification.
-Does this situation hurt worse than anything?- Yes, but we control how we choose to respond.
-Will I be ok? Yes, because I choose to be
-What will happen to my STBXW?- I don't know, but I firmly believe in "You reap what you sow."

I'm so sorry for your situation 2016. I would never wish this kind of pain and hurt on anyone. While I do not know you please know that you are worth far more than how you are being treated. This has taken some time for me to learn. I am (you are) worthy of being loved and chosen. I am (you are) worthy of respect and dignity.
Prayers and hugs to you.
e

[BluWave]

(((2016))) I just read your updates. Sigh. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I knew this pain too well when my H was with OW and telling me he wanted D. I felt so afraid and hopeless most days and I was deeply depressed. The pain is indescribable. I wish I had something that I could write to soften the blows. What comes to mind is that I know it will not be this way forever.

I can't answer your questions for why this is happening. I am not sure anyone can, but I remember feeling the same confusion and despair. I do believe over time though, it will begin to make sense to you. I do have faith that for you (and the same for myself) there will come a day when you are grateful (maybe not for the suffering) for the lessons that have been learned. I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason and that there are silver linings in every sitch, even the unthinkable ones. I can't prove that this is true, it's just a choice that I have made for myself. This belief has brought me a sense of comfort and control.

On another note, I was wondering if you have thought more about moving back to your home country? I completely understand wanting to keep your S near his father and I agree that's important. It also sounds that in order for you to be the healthy, happy, and strong mother that you need to be, that you might find that at home. I don't want guilt over your son and his R with his father to prevent you from making decisions that are best for you.

XOXO
Blu

[Anchor]

15Stang and Blu, you guys are so kind. will respond in more detail in a bit, but for now I have an urgent question, for both you of you, for ANYONE.

My father pointed out to me this morning that if I let WH file on unreasonable behaviour, this becomes our reality - i.e. he left me because he couldn't take it anymore. OW becomes incidental to the story.

It matters to me how it goes down in history because of my son.

My father is advising I should file based on adultery.

The urgency of time is because my grounds run out in two weeks. I leave for my home country on Tuesday. I will keep to kick it off by then if I decide to file on adultery.

On the one hand I am a Christian who doesn't believe in divorce.

But apparently divorce believes in me. If I am going to get divorced, is it better to do it on 'my terms', and have this become our history - that WH left for another woman which is why we are divorced?

Help!