Title of this thread in response to the ever kind Jeep's encouragement. Where I'm standing, the road doesn't look paved with gold, can't imagine it ever being, more like tacky brass, but at least I'm still standing and not sprawled in a miserable heap as I was a few months ago. Fellow newbies, the knife still twists in your chest but amazingly, you get used to it, you can bear it better.
Title of this thread in response to the ever kind Jeep's encouragement. Where I'm standing, the road doesn't look paved with gold, can't imagine it ever being, more like tacky brass, but at least I'm still standing and not sprawled in a miserable heap as I was a few months ago. Fellow newbies, the knife still twists in your chest but amazingly, you get used to it, you can bear it better.
Thank you, 2016. That tacky brass you are seeing is gold...just covered with dust, that's all. The fact that you are standing (and posting better, BTW) and not sprawled in a miserable heap tells us that you are doing just fine. Keep it up! OWN THE ROAD!
Now, about that knife. I can't give good news on that one, as the ex's ghost owned me this weekend. I'm afraid that knife will always be there...we just have to compartmentalize it - do that, and you're golden.
Your posts are light years ahead of when you started. Keep up the good work. Don't look for the gold to hard, just know its there.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Calling out for perspectives, 2by4s, whatever - just need some advice.
Didn't see WH for a full week. He took OW on a 4 day holiday abroad and met her brother (there goes the twisting knife), and then spent the rest of the week at his parents with our son. I stayed behind and did a lot of cathartic crying and reading for the 4 days I didn't have S3 to focus on. Which was helpful in its own way.
During his time with S3, he sends me an email detailing the offer he is making re divorce settlement, which is not favourable to me. I was cut deeply when I looked at it - how can someone you loved so much and said they loved you as much care so little for you now they have no interest in how you fare from hereon, and don't care if you struggle financially for the rest of your life? It's mind boggling to me. I didn't reply to the email.
Over the next 3 days, he sends me pictures of our son and a couple of videos. No messages, just pictures. I know why he's doing it - it's because he's trying to keep me sweet and he thinks this will help him in the long run when the custody issue raises its head - I've seen an email to his mother saying as much. I respond just once, to say 'Thank you'.
On Saturday when I get home in the evening, he's there with our son, chatty about S3's holiday, seeming full of good cheer. He looks really good and I hate it. I hate the fact that I still think he's gorgeous and his face is so familiar and dear. It breaks my heart afresh. I had been in a really good mood because in true GAL fashion I signed up for a one day philosophy workshop, which I thoroughly enjoyed, and came home feeling like my old self, the self I was before I met WH. Seeing him took that away.
Everyone tells me I look great too, but the compliments ring hollow because I feel so crap inside. Still keeping up the discipline though <grim determination>.
WH asks me why I never responded to his email. I said I wasn't prepared to talk about it yet, I didn't know what to say. He asked if we could talk about it on Wednesday - I said ok.
It was time for S3 to have his bath and get ready for bed, and I said to WH, I'll take over now, you can get going. WH's response was, "Why can't we do it together?" At which point S3 who's standing between us pipes up and says, "Yes, let's do it as a family, TOGETHER. Let's be together!" I just looked at WH. This kind of thing breaks my heart so much. I've started saying bedtime prayers with S3 in the last few weeks and for the first week he just listened to me, but last week he had this prayer to say: "Please bring my daddy home." The first time he said it, it was like a sledgehammer of grief just hit me. He says it every night now.
WH looks uncomfortable and says to S3, "Yes, that's because of Daddy, at the moment."
The old me would have obsessed for hours over the "at the moment". I know better now. It doesn't matter what he says until he actually DOES something.
We did bathtime together and WH was being chatty, but all about S3. Didn't ask me anything about me personally and didn't offer any information about himself. He then brought up S3's upcoming birthday in May and said, "Shall we throw him a birthday party?" I was already planning to and I said so. He then asked, "Can't I be involved?" I looked at him, incredulous. I will be inviting all my good friends and their kids, people who have propped me up in this nightmare WH has plunged me into - and he thinks it will be all right to be around them? It would make all my friends so uncomfortable, not to mention me - what is he on? I told him I'd have to think about it and he asked if we could discuss this on Wednesday too.
When I was telling a friend yesterday about this and how amazed I was by his insensitivity, she explained that in his mind he's moved on so far ahead that he's beyond pain and doesn't expect me to feel any pain either, which is why doing things like being all friendly and wanting to co-host stuff doesn't faze him - it doesn't occur to him any longer there's any difficulty because he thinks I'm in the same place that he is, which is Happyville.
I've re-read Bluwave's thread today and in there she posts about how the WS still feels pain and guilt throughout the whole A. Is my WH an exception?
What do I say about the birthday scenario? If I tell him I don't want him there because it will make people feel uncomfortable, he will get angry that I've been blackening his name, as he will see it.
Does he really think he's done nothing wrong and that I'm ok with it just because I'm not hideous to him every time I've seen him? I've been trying to be the cordial neighbour but his response to me yesterday seems to indicate to me he thinks I'm content with the situation, no complaints about being left for another woman. Is it really possible he thinks that? Am I going mad?
I'm afraid I am not deserving of your opinion I've progressed - you will see from my previous post which I was typing when you sent yours that I've had a little wobble. But still standing.
What happened to make ghost of ex re-materalise? Any tips on compartmentalising? I have never done that well.
During his time with S3, he sends me an email detailing the offer he is making re divorce settlement, which is not favourable to me. I was cut deeply when I looked at it - how can someone you loved so much and said
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they loved you as much care so little for you now they have no interest in how you fare from hereon, and don't care if you struggle financially for the rest of your life? It's mind boggling to me. I didn't reply to the email.
You did the right thing by not replying - it's not worth the fighting. That's what the lawyers are for. I have often wondered myself how they can do those things to us after professing they love us and will be there forever. Ugh.
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Over the next 3 days, he sends me pictures of our son and a couple of videos. No messages, just pictures. I know why he's doing it - it's because he's trying to keep me sweet and he thinks this will help him in the long run when the custody issue raises its head - I've seen an email to his mother saying as much. I respond just once, to say 'Thank you'.
Mine does the same thing - photos but no text. Maybe he is doing like mine - just sending pictures because you are his mom. Who knows. Don't read into it.
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When I was telling a friend yesterday about this and how amazed I was by his insensitivity, she explained that in his mind he's moved on so far ahead that he's beyond pain and doesn't expect me to feel any pain either, which is why doing things like being all friendly and wanting to co-host stuff doesn't faze him - it doesn't occur to him any longer there's any difficulty because he thinks I'm in the same place that he is, which is Happyville.
I agree with your friend's statement. Moved on. That's the unfortunate truth that so many on here either do not want to see or are blind - that they have moved on...permanently.
As for the birthday, the old me would have said no... but he is the father. 2016, if you think you can handle it (and I believe you can), then I'd say "sure." Just let him know there will be no drama.
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Does he really think he's done nothing wrong and that I'm ok with it just because I'm not hideous to him every time I've seen him? I've been trying to be the cordial neighbour but his response to me yesterday seems to indicate to me he thinks I'm content with the situation, no complaints about being left for another woman. Is it really possible he thinks that? Am I going mad?
He thinks that. There is nothing you can do, sadly. He's on his own road, you know?
Last edited by Cadet; 01/16/1802:22 AM. Reason: remove contact data
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'm afraid I am not deserving of your opinion I've progressed - you will see from my previous post which I was typing when you sent yours that I've had a little wobble. But still standing.
There is a huge difference between wobbly and a blubbering heap. Own it.
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What happened to make ghost of ex re-materalise? Any tips on compartmentalising? I have never done that well.
Sigh. It's just little things that pop up. To many what-ifs and what could have beens, I guess. She had the kids this weekend and it was a little comment by one of the kids that sparked it. Doesn't take much, I'm afraid, due to the uniqueness of the situation.
Not an expert on compartmentalizing as that ghost takes up space. But learning how to divert focus and attention is the key. When I find myself going down the dark path, I try to shift my attention and focus on something that needs to be done. My mind works in overdrive so I'm able to move from one to another. Notice I say compartmentalize, because that's pretty much what it is - they will always take space and we have to learn to keep them in their box - because we can't rid our mind of them. That's impossible. So, we learn to surround those thoughts with other things - whether it be work, hobbies, whatever. Some may call this silly, but I have also found a little trick that works when I'm in free time...which is building an imaginary city, whatever in your mind...in my case, I go from experience and do something military wise. From the ground up. Gives you something to think about when your mind wanders.
You are doing fine!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"Does he really think he's done nothing wrong and that I'm ok with it just because I'm not hideous to him every time I've seen him? I've been trying to be the cordial neighbour but his response to me yesterday seems to indicate to me he thinks I'm content with the situation, no complaints about being left for another woman. Is it really possible he thinks that? Am I going mad?"
Ugh! How I wish I could answer this for you. I honestly don't know! I definitely worried about that too. So I kept up a giant wall for a long time and I was so nasty to him! I hate to say this--because I don't want to give you false hope--but your WH reminds me a lot of mine. He could be so kind, that it was hard to even believe he was being awful. He would say these things that dropped hints and it was hard not to mindread. He wanted to have family time, and friendship, but I worried he would be cake eating and think I was okay with what he was doing.
So even tho I read the boards for awhile, I did the opposite. If he emailed (even if about the kids) I ignored him. In fact, not only did he not plan the kids bday party with me, but I didn't invite him. I allowed his family to come, but not him. I even told him that all of our friends and family knew about his affair and he should be ashamed and just stay away. I was mean! I wanted him to feel like the POS he was being.
I really didn't give him much to come back to. However as time went on, I gave up the fight and just started planning a life without him. I tried to be cordial, but was disinterested in him in general. I didn't want him to see my hurt and vulnerabilities anymore. He also saw that I was letting go and moving on. He started to worry I was seeing other people. I started really living life without him or letting him see he could affect me. So he went from being miserable and ashamed to realizing what he was losing. I did a sharp turnaround and then he did too.
Now, I am not sugggesting you do this! I don't have all the answers. I will say that things change all the time and they will continue to change. He clearly cares about son and a famiiy unit. He says things that demonstrate he has self doubts. So the best thing you can do now is the hardest. Let go. Start picturing your life without him, start focusing on being a better you, let him be the FOOL for leaving you. Don't let him think you are sitting there waiting for him, remove that option from his mind! You can do that and be cordial without allowing him to think you are his plan B.
You don't have to have to have family time, he is giving that up! It's ok for him to feel the loss of you and it takes time.
Chin up! Take care of you first! You got this!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
