Gordie: trying to focus on me

[Gordie]

Mach1, ForGump, Cali, Bru,

Thank you guys for helping me think through these things. These thoughts keep me awake at night and being able to express them allows me to process and release them.

This was a post BD complaint. She never previously said I prioritized the kids over her but then again she didn't complain about anything. Yes, I am looking over my shoulder if I am doing x or y the right way. Before BD, I used to think I was a great H but now feel that if I was so great, then this wouldn't be happening. No, it's not all my fault but am focused on what I did, not what she did. And yes, I have a hard time critizing my W.

I feel I should be able to go to a game and watch my son play and enjoy it and not feel guilty about it. Hearing your guys reactions makes me realize that I am not crazy. I love spending time with my kids. I work a lot of hours M-F so spend my entire weekend with my kids. This is not a chore for me. The fact that my W feels she needs a break from the kids on the weekend is understandable but the result was less time for us as a couple. Date night was not enough. Family time was not enough. We needed more couple time together. I see this now. I didn't see this before. I will do it differently next time.

And the whole conflict avoidance and stuffing feelings and sweeping them under the carpet? Yes, I'd change that too. My confession: I have a weakness and that is I am afraid of conflict so I avoid it. I try to ignore problems and hope they go away. This is not healthy for me nor for my relationships. I want relationships where we both feel confident and comfortable voicing concerns, worries, complaints, aggravations. That these can be voiced without fear that the other party will go hostile or walk away. I know that this may hurt my feelings but I'd rather have my feelings hurt in the short term than be abandoned in the long term. And I think that's the fear that drives my behavior. If I voice my issues, then it will turn people away from me...but the opposite is true.

Knowing my confilict avoidance and my W's conflict avoidance I wish we scheduled time/15 minutes each week where we could both just safely let it all out. We could let go of it and the other person would listen and apologies and forgiveness could be exchanged and resolutions for change and improvement could be made. Yes, that's change that I want...for me.

[ForGump]

I too am a conflict avoider, and would jump to a practical fix rather than letting the emotions out through a conflict.

I also had and have a hard time criticizing my wife.

I'm also guilty of not having enough quality time with my wife.

But ... I think we have to take all these shortcomings of ours in context. I doubt any of these offenses rise to the level deserving divorce. I mean, my wife used to say I'm the best husband she knows among all her friends' husbands. I bet you were/are a damn good husband. Of course there are things we can do better. But nothing we did makes us deserve a divorce.

Look at it this way. If your wife was half as committed to the marriage as you are, you would not be here. You would have worked with each other to shore up the weak parts of your marriage without ever consider the idea of a divorce.

I'm just saying, again, that while it's good to DB, detach, GAL and all that jazz, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up. I hope you agree, Gordie. You're a good guy.

[Bird]

I too am a conflict avoider, and would jump to a practical fix rather than letting the emotions out through a conflict.

I also had and have a hard time criticizing my wife.

I'm also guilty of not having enough quality time with my wife.

But ... I think we have to take all these shortcomings of ours in context. I doubt any of these offenses rise to the level deserving divorce. I mean, my wife used to say I'm the best husband she knows among all her friends' husbands. I bet you were/are a damn good husband. Of course there are things we can do better. But nothing we did makes us deserve a divorce.

Look at it this way. If your wife was half as committed to the marriage as you are, you would not be here. You would have worked with each other to shore up the weak parts of your marriage without ever consider the idea of a divorce.

I'm just saying, again, that while it's good to DB, detach, GAL and all that jazz, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up. I hope you agree, Gordie. You're a good guy.

I've been following along but haven't had much to post since I'm pretty much in the same spot as Gordie except that H moved out and we don't really talk much at all except about the kids and finances. But I just wanted to say this post made me feel so much better! I've spent so much time second guessing and trying to figure out what I did that was so awful that he'd rather be broke and destroy everything than spend another minute married to me. It's nice to be reminded that us LBS's aren't as awful as we tend to think we are.

[Woke_Up]

X3 on the conflict avoidance, although my W is confrontational so that always have us a tough dynamic. I think fixing seems a theme though. But some people don't want or appreciate fixing, especially if we inadvertently try to fix them.

[Gordie]

ForGump--dude, you are awesome...those are healing words. Why do you have a hard time criticizing your W? Why is that an important consideration in this autopsy.

KarenHC--sorry to hear about your separation...will check over on your thread.

Woke_Up--yes, our spouses don't want to fix them now...earlier in our R my W says she did want this...but not now...

***

Confession: I am trying to figure out more of my issues. Focus less on my W and more on me. So I think in my core, I am really afraid. Afraid of abandonment. Afraid of being replaced. Afraid of being lonely. Afraid of living alone. Afraid of my financial future. Afraid of failing my children. Afraid of losing mutual friends. Afraid of the rumor mill and facing all of the inevitable questions from children, family and friends.

This fear is an obstacle to detachment, to letting go, to moving forward, to having a smile on my face, to laughter, to enjoying my life in the here and now.

How does one face all of these fears? Prayer, friends, self help books, counseling...time? I guess the first step is acknowledging them...

"Fear not, for I am with you says the Lord."

[ciluzen]

Hey there, Gordie.

Fear is a big obstacle for those of us LBS. Our MLCer has a head start- they probably went back and forth about their decisions for quite awhile before BD due to their own fear.

So how do we get over it? Exactly what you came up with, plus one more thing. After acknowledging your fears, come up with a plan. What would make you feel better about each instance you fear and how could you bring it about?

You listed many fears, so you've already begun the process of acknowledging them. Go you! You're partway there! Now you need to plan. You probably already have started that process. Some things are easier to plan for. Loneliness? Get specific. What kind of loneliness? Just having another body in the room or someone to share your inner thoughts and feelings with? Most of the time, our fear of loneliness is more a fear of the unknown...there are many opportunities to be around others. Finding someone to share inner thoughts and feelings with comes with putting ourselves out there and taking chances. As much as I'm an introvert and have hated what's happened, I have to admit that this has been an amazing year-and-a-half of personal growth and things I never would have experienced if not for BD. What I was doing was existing...due to comfort and security. Even though I wasn't really liking it. I was forced to change once BD happened, or be despondent for ever...or dead.

Some of your fears will require a whole new perspective and mindset. Rumor mill? Questions? Not in your control. Really, NOT IN YOUR CONTROL. Believe it or not, those would exist whether something happened or not. I hate gossip. But I've come to realize that gossipers gossip whether there is something there or not. They boost their low self esteem by feeding on others' lives like little nibbling bottom feeder fish, sucking in a pebble and spitting it out again whether it has something or not. Then they move on to the next pebble, or victim. Not worth your time or reaction. Big freeing epiphany for this lady here.

Losing friends? True friends won't be lost. Reach out to those you still want, a few times at least. If they reach back, they're yours. If not...they never really were. I still harbor a bit of resentment there, but I've made a number of new friends this year who made me realize...the others weren't really all that great to begin with. Or weren't a good fit with me.

And failing your children? Children want a parent who loves them unconditionally, no matter what else is happening in the world around them. Be genuine; stick to your values. Just love and support them, listen and respect their thoughts and feelings (I struggle at times with this...mine are adults), and try not to compare your relationship to mom's or anyone else's. If you can do that, you will not "fail" them.

Just make plans around the fears you find, or be patient. Many of them you're just going to have to acknowledge that you have no control over. So keep your knees bent, try to relax, but prepare for the inevitable bump in your path. Then just go over it, through it, around it, but past it. Keep moving forward.

[ForGump]

Why do you have a hard time criticizing your W? Why is that an important consideration in this autopsy.

I think all of us who want to save our marriages are in a fog. It would make our desire to save our marriage feel less reasonable if we were to actively and repeatedly find fault with the person we're married to. Not criticizing our wives is a part of our effort to cling to our spouses, to not destroy the marriage.

Thinking back, when I did not fear losing my marriage, I felt safer to criticize my wife (not to her face, but to close friends). I complained and griped about her various shortcomings because I felt there was no danger of losing her.

How is it important now? I suppose it's important to see that we're not thinking as clearly as we think; that our wives are very flawed people; and if we do separate ourselves from our wives, there is hope that the fog will lift and we will feel less attached, feel less hurt.

I am really afraid. Afraid of abandonment. Afraid of being replaced. Afraid of being lonely. Afraid of living alone. Afraid of my financial future. Afraid of failing my children. Afraid of losing mutual friends. Afraid of the rumor mill and facing all of the inevitable questions from children, family and friends.

This is a big step forward to recognize, Gordie. I spent a lot of time thinking about fear. Am I really afraid of the various consequences of divorce? I even looked up the definition of the word fear.

Ultimately I decided that while it just felt awful lose someone I love, and it felt awful to think about my kids having less access to their parents, I wasn't really afraid of the future. I think I will meet someone better for me. I think I will continue to be a good parent. I think I can deal with my financial future -- I can work harder and tighten my belt. As for rumors and what other people thought of me -- I never cared all that much about that stuff.

You seem like a roll-up-your-sleeve and grab-the-bull-by-the-horns kind of guy, Gordie. You do have a difficult personal history, and that's hard to work through, but I think ultimately you're a do-er. You're not going to sit and fail. You wouldn't be here looking for answers and looking in the mirror for your part in all of this, if you weren't driven. I think ultimately that kind of drive to love the best you can, will help you survive. And it makes you a guy your wife would be a fool to leave.

She may leave you because she's going through something right now, and she is, for the moment, a fool. I hope she wakes up soon.

[Gordie]

Ciluzen--thank you for your encouragement and advice.

Fears:

1. Rumor mill. You are right. This is out of my control so I should let it go. I'm resolved not to tell people what really happened and I have no control over what my W will say. Plan? Accept it's out of my control.

2. Friends. You are right again. I actually have a lot of friends separate from my W and I know I won't lose them. I think I will lose all of the couple and family friends, but as you said, a lot of it is out of my control and if they stop talking to me then they weren't really my friends anyway. Plan? Enjoy your true friends and let go of the others.

3. Loneliness. I think what I will miss is having a woman with whom we share the intimate details of life--the little and big things. And of course the physical touch, hugs, kisses, a gentle touch and yes, sexual intimacy. Plan? I don't want to date in the near term so will have to accept that this type of intimacy will just not be a part of my life in this chapter of my life. I need to learn to be more independent and not needy with the people I do have in my life--children, friends.

4. Children. Yes, I need to love them unconditionally and help them through what will also be a major loss for them too. Help them with their own grief, anger, fear, etc. I want to be as much or even more present in their lives as I ever have been. Plan? See them every day, carve out more one on one time, be more emotionally available.

[Mach1]

So I think in my core, I am really afraid. Afraid of abandonment. Afraid of being replaced. Afraid of being lonely. Afraid of living alone. Afraid of my financial future. Afraid of failing my children. Afraid of losing mutual friends. Afraid of the rumor mill and facing all of the inevitable questions from children, family and friends.

Little secret here ???

Most of that...

That stuff up there ^^^^

Has already happened to you...

And yet, you are here now...working toward making yourself into a better version than the old Gordie...

Why do these things scare you so much ??


I wanna share a thread from a good friend ...

Let me know if any of this resonates with you...


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...116#Post2435116

[Gordie]

Mach1,

You are a mind reader! How do you know these thoughts in my head? And that thread from Eric? Priceless.

I really am afraid and haven't faced these fear. It hadn't dawned on me that avoiding my fears makes me want to control the people around me and my situation. That's a lot to chew on.

So many fears...but as you said...maybe many of the worst things I feared have ALREADY happened? My W abandoning me. My W replacing me in her heart with POM. My parents abandoning me. My kids losing the family as they have known it. And yet, I'm still here.

More later...