I wonder whether my wife blocking me and my family off from being able to see hardly anything on her Facebook profile, could be her temp checking me at all, perhaps doing something to make me hurt, so that I complain to her and show that I still have feelings for her. Or she could simply be trying to keep me out of her business and perhaps be trying to protect my feelings by not letting me see things.
I can almost guarantee she isn't trying to protect your feelings. Your feelings aren't in her vocabulary at this point. Take the Facebook stuff at face value and don't dwell on it too much. Think of it as a favor, just one less thing to constantly remind you of her. Mine did the same thing and I felt the same way you did at first. Here is a thought, change your Facebook pic to one of just you or something you like. Act "as if" you are moving on, whether you are or not. Don't do it to see what her reaction might be, do it for yourself. She has chosen her path that doesn't include you. Choose yours, it's the only way it will get easier.
But someone sneakily planning a breakup probably wouldn't put all that effort into painting the deck, the previous month.
My wife bought me a 60k Mustang a month before she left. Don't dwell on stuff like that. Just like Jeep74 said, this decision didn't come overnight. She had been thinking about it for some time, she just needed a trigger "last straw" to make her see it thru. My WW was this way. I would purge my whole house of anything that had to do with your WW, and not give a d@mn about what she might say about it. That's your house now. As others have said your "old" marraige is dead and gone, you have to treat it that way. Keep your head up, you can do it.
No one here has addressed the fact that I was always accused by my wife of not giving her enough attention, of being neglectful. In the Last Resort Technique video package on this site, in LESSON 9 - ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, the first question is about when you shouldn't employ the LRT. MWD says that if your wife accused you of neglecting her, you need to be very careful about pulling back and not pursuing. How do I know when I shouldn't pursue? She says that you should pursue initially, if you were accused of never pursuing, but if you begged and pleaded for weeks or months (which I did), and your wife is still pushing you away, "then you may pull back a little bit." How much pulling back is too much? At the beginning of answering the question, she says the idea throughout the program is to do more of what works and less of what doesn't work. I haven't been making contact with my wife for about 2 weeks now, and she's still moving in the direction of divorce, and barely makes any contact with me. There was a time, about a month ago, where I was talking to her on the phone every night for about 3 nights in a row, and things seemed to be getting a little bit better. So, I'm wondering whether I should try to go back to that, and do like I did before and avoid relationship talk in the process. But it seems like if she isn't making any contact with me, then maybe I'm doing the right thing by not making contact with her. I don't know. I only have one shot at this. This whole time I've only had one shot to fix this. I've felt like I have been walking a tight rope the entire time. It's so easy to make the wrong choice and push her away more. It's so hard to know what the correct choice is. She has told me that it's over, she has sent me separation papers, I suspect she is seeing someone, but haven't confirmed it, and she has now made most of her FB profile hidden to me. It feels so hopeless. *Please don't focus on the rest of this. This part is just venting.* It's so unfair the way she went from warm to cold without any warning, without letting me know how badly she needed the things she needed from me. Why couldn't she have just told me she was nearing the end of her rope, and that she just couldn't go on if certain very important things didn't change? I don't know why she wouldn't do that. She said she doesn't believe in ultimatums, but yet she gave me one in January of 2008, when she came back to me after a short pulling away, and that ultimatum caused me to vastly improve my life, and she would certainly agree that it did just that. Why would someone not believe in ultimatums? That she shouldn't have to go to the extent of threatening divorce to get me to do something? I just needed to know how important things were to her. That's all. I needed her to put her foot down, and demand things -- not give up when she didn't get them. Why do women give up on marriages so f***ing easily?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
No one here has addressed the fact that I was always accused by my wife of not giving her enough attention, of being neglectful. In the Last Resort Technique video package on this site, in LESSON 9 - ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, the first question is about when you shouldn't employ the LRT. MWD says that if your wife accused you of neglecting her, you need to be very careful about pulling back and not pursuing. How do I know when I shouldn't pursue? She says that you should pursue initially, if you were accused of never pursuing, but if you begged and pleaded for weeks or months (which I did), and your wife is still pushing you away, "then you may pull back a little bit." How much pulling back is too much? At the beginning of answering the question, she says the idea throughout the program is to do more of what works and less of what doesn't work. I haven't been making contact with my wife for about 2 weeks now, and she's still moving in the direction of divorce, and barely makes any contact with me. There was a time, about a month ago, where I was talking to her on the phone every night for about 3 nights in a row, and things seemed to be getting a little bit better. So, I'm wondering whether I should try to go back to that, and do like I did before and avoid relationship talk in the process. But it seems like if she isn't making any contact with me, then maybe I'm doing the right thing by not making contact with her. I don't know. I only have one shot at this. This whole time I've only had one shot to fix this. I've felt like I have been walking a tight rope the entire time. It's so easy to make the wrong choice and push her away more. It's so hard to know what the correct choice is.
The thing is, its a tightrope you have to walk - and one that can be very emotionally draining...that's why we say you have to work on yourself first and foremost and pretend she doesn't exist, because in reality, she doesn't.
You've tested the waters and she isn't responsive. The only choice you have is to just do for yourself. As far as talking on the phone every day and now not, if she isn't contacting you then she isn't interested. Sorry to put it that way, but it is what it is.
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Why do women give up on marriages so f***ing easily?
That's a tough question. Most give up because they feel they have no other alternative...they will say they've tried for a long time and we didn't listen. Looking back, after your fog has cleared and you can see thing for what they are, you'll see her flags. Same with me - due to the situation, normal things set her off and I didn't see her flags. By the time they felt they've done all they could, they are done. And when someone's done, they are done. Period.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
By the time they felt they've done all they could, they are done. And when someone's done, they are done. Period.
The Divorce Remedy says we never really know when someone is done, though, at least until they do something like get remarried. So we have to always treat our situations as though they might not actually be done.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
The Divorce Remedy says we never really know when someone is done, though, at least until they do something like get remarried. So we have to always treat our situations as though they might not actually be done.
That's correct. But you can't live your life hoping that she will just magically change her mind, either. Because if you do that, you'll find a lot of resentment and anger years down the road.
However, that's your choice. By the time a person has made the decision to leave a marriage, much less have an affair, they are done. Sure, some may say I want a divorce to spur action...however, if your wife has never done that and only mentioned that she has thought about times over the years after she asked for divorce, then that is the biggest red flag there is. Just like we've told you over and over, they don't make this decision lightly...and they dang sure don't have an affair on a light decision, either (well, unless they are of the whorish variety, then that's another kettle of fish).
So, if you take anything away, take this - use this time to work on you. Unfortunately you are at the stage where you must pretend she doesn't exist. If you need help to get stronger and become the kind of man any woman would want and not have to raise, then do it. This is your time now. Own it.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Right now, Wsh, you're in the scrambling phase. Desperately seeking anything that you can cling to. We have all been there and done that. All of us.
You're making excuses for her and her behavior to try to rationalize it...and to give meaning to the answers you don't have. We have all done that. And you're trying to hold together the one thing you so dearly loved. We've all done that.
If you were to ask her if her memories of the marriage is the same as yours, the answer would be a resounding no. Period. One thing you have to remember is that they will tell us stuff, whether it is out of guilt or just to make it easier on them, to make us feel better and more accepting of their situation.
My friend, it's not going to get any easier for quite some time. I'm not trying to be a wet blanket, but I won't blow smoke, either. We say use this time wisely, because that's all you have.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You often talk like there is no hope of her coming back. So, when you say "use this time wisely", it makes me wonder why it matters so much to use this time wisely.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Wish.....check out these 2 threads from another user. I found them last night and thought they were great. This dude GAL, and did everything right in my opinion. Check it out, I think it will inspire you a little bit.
You often talk like there is no hope of her coming back. So, when you say "use this time wisely", it makes me wonder why it matters so much to use this time wisely.
I'm not saying that she won't, but you need to look at things realistically. I was in the same boat. I hoped, didn't listen, whatever. I behaved almost just as you're doing on here. It took a virtual hammer for me to see the truth. And that was extremely saddening, yet felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
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So, when you say "use this time wisely", it makes me wonder why it matters so much to use this time wisely.
Use that time wisely to work on yourself and become the best person you can be. Whether it is becoming stronger to stand on your feet, whatever. Just do it. Get your own life together. So let me ask this, what are you going to do if she does not come back?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
