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BluWave Offline OP
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Hi leah, thank you for the complements. I don't feel like I've been handling things so well lately, I guess it's always easier to see other people's sitches more clearly than our own. I would be happy to read your posts.

25, I live so far from Philly, I'm in SF Bay Area, but that EE does sounds great. Would it be worth booking a trip that far just to participate? I have looked into Retrovaille, and there are some in my area. It's just hard because they emphasize the importance of followup appts and I work a lot of weekends. It appears they are mostly offered on the weekends. That and I am not Catholic. In fact my H has some issues from being raised by a strict Catholic mother (guilt issues and Nice Guy baggage). So I do wonder how that program would work.

Lately I've been thinking about how easily I lose motivation and why that might be. Things will be moving along and getting more comfortable and it only takes a small argument or trigger and I find myself withdrawing. It's not even intentional, it just happens. The triggers don't get me or throw me off. I notice them, I acknowledge them, and I carry on. Even 6 mos - 1 year ago they would still cut deep, bring me to tears, or throw off my mood. Now I just feel an emptiness or numbness after them.

So when things come up, I withdraw. When I think about it, it goes back to the A and that I don't want a H that did this. I don't want it in my history and am hard on myself that I haven't accepted it by now. Well, actually I am harder on him. We got in a big talk recently and I keep going there. All the things I loved so much about this man, those feelings of love and attraction, are not there anymore. I don't know if they ever will be. I tell him how I feel and I know it hurts him, pushes him away, and makes him feel guilty. It's the truth tho. I don't want to punish him, I just resent what he did and took away. Even when things were hard, I so loved and adored this man.

25, I am still hoping you will update your sitch soon. I can't I help but wonder how many Ms can recover from this level of betrayal and devastation.

H told me while he was gone that he didn't think I could ever see past this, that he thought he ruined everything, and that I could never forgive him. When I think about all the times he said that, it reminds me that when he made the choice to leave, he did so knowing (thinking) he would never get me back. And he still left. I think in some ways he ended it a long time ago and that I just am waiting to fully accept it.

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Blu,

I am glad you share your story here. Firstly it proves WAS can come back, but more importantly it demonstrates that that happening is not the end of the turmoil of the lbs.

I read along when.you first came here, but have not read enough lately to comment/offer advice. I admire your honesty and bravery to share your feelings.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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I agree with Roist and thanks for posting Blu, I always look out for your name and read what you write. It is true that when we are scared and desperate, we'll do pretty much anything to try and save our marital relationship. I recall thinking in the early days - how on earth did this happen and how do I fix it??!

But it can be a case of be careful what you wish for. Because from all that people post, piecing is incredibly difficult and there is a loss either way. You lose what you had before and are integrating the events that happened and the behaviour of your spouse into your new relationship with them.

In many ways, it can be easier (I'm not saying better) to move on and either be happily single, or in time build a new relationship without the need to forgive and overcome these events with your current partner. However, they do need to be forgiven and overcome either way - you heal together or you heal separately.

I do still think it is relatively early days in your reconciliation and there will inevitably be difficult feelings washing around for both of you. Many things to work through. But, your H truly does sound regretful and keen to reconcile, so that very important foundation is in place. Plus you are wisely investing in yourself and your wider life.

All will unfold as it should Blu, and there will be many joys to appreciate along the way and challenges to learn from too...

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Reading some of your posts has been a humbling experience for me so to dive in and write something to you feels a little scandalous, but I am pretty bold and will do it anyway. First, you are amazing and a real inspiration. Second, I literally recall in the first moments I learned that yes my H was lying to me and had a PA with another woman and wanted a divorce that I had two choices. I could accept it and the outcome would be a certainty, or I could reject it and wait to figure out another day, when I was calmer, saner, more rational, whether I actually wanted to be married to this person. That day has not yet come. But, what I do know, is that if he does come back and I let him, and we try to make something work, then we will have to reach the point where you are right now. By definition, I think you are in a wonderful place, in a necessary place, and in a place where you can truly explore your own wants, needs, and desires in a way that is much safer for you than what you have been living through. Given the sagacious nature of your advice to everyone else here, it will be the right decision for you and your family in this moment. Nothing but the sincerest and most humble gratitude for the lessons you have already taught me.

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Originally Posted By: BluWave
H told me while he was gone that he didn't think I could ever see past this, that he thought he ruined everything, and that I could never forgive him. When I think about all the times he said that, it reminds me that when he made the choice to leave, he did so knowing (thinking) he would never get me back. And he still left. I think in some ways he ended it a long time ago and that I just am waiting to fully accept it.


This is hard BluWave and I feel for you. I wish you peace in dealing with this. Sometimes I feel like they say this to force closure like "won't you just give up so we can both move on". It's not that easy.

Keep in mind, he still left because of his weakness in dealing with your M. It's about his capability to handle the struggles of your M or lack there of to resort to his behavior and choosing to leave and not complete choice of abandoning your M. Does that make sense?

Be well.


Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
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BluWave Offline OP
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You guys are too good to me, really, it's true. I don't even deserve it.

I sit here dishing out advice--advice I could barely take when I was the LBS-- all the while I have a H that is pursuing and apologizing for two years and I can't quite get it straight, can I? Sigh.

roist, thank you. The turmoil doesn't end, however the agony and anxiety of the unknown does. I would never want to be in that dark place again. And I don't think I ever could. I am so much stronger now and more grounded in what I expect from myself and other people. This is the silver lining that I talk about. I wasn't always this way. We become more resilient as we learn to overcome hardships.

Sotto, I always enjoy your posts too. You have a very honest, yet kind, way of approaching people. I think there is so much to gain from that. You are correct--I often think there is something easier about letting go and starting new with someone else. No baggage and newness would be nice! I guess I still believe deep in my heart that I need to do the right thing. I also want what is best for my kids and our family. I do hear stories of people that D, move on to another M, and the same issues resurface. So if I can make this work, it's a win-win for us all.

helies, wow, thank you for that. I really like what you said about making a decision prematurely. So many posters struggle with the "what ifs," yet they will never get their answers. They want to know if they can forgive, if they can take them back, and they feel they need to decide or else. Here is the thing, you can decide on what you don't know. You can crave chocolate cake, but when the dessert menu comes, they may just have banana cream pie. Ok, bad example (cause your probably gonna get chopped liver), but the point is you can't know what you dont know. You can proclaim that you will never take your H back unless .... but until you see, hear, feel who they bring to you, then you can't know that now.

I like that you told me I am in a wonderful and necessary place. It's a good way to think about it. I need to be in this place, and take this time, to know and understand how to proceed. I have always had choices, but now I feel some power in the matter. I had power before, but my broken heart disallowed me to use it.

Tryin, that does make sense. Thank you for that. So much of his decision to leave was his inability to handle things, not a choice in itself to no longer love me. That is something he described all along--from day one--I just couldn't hear it when I was a LBS. All of you will get there in time, with or without your S.

So Retrouvaille is in the cards. It actually looks like this chips could fall into place soon. I find myself not wanting to make a decision. A close friend was opening up recently about her struggles with not being able to have children. She is newly married, has health issues, and it's unlikely she can ever have children of her own. When I told her I didn't know if I wanted to go to Retrouvaille, she told me she has been saying the same thing about having children. Then tears came to her eyes and she said that she does, and she realized recently that when she admits it, and knowing it may. It work, it is all the more painful ....

She was talking about me too. Is she right? A lot to think about...

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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BluWave Offline OP
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Correction: ... when she admits it, and knowing it may not work, it is all the more painful ....


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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BluWave Offline OP
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I did it. Enrolled in Retrouvaille. Gulp!!!


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Originally Posted By: BluWave
I did it. Enrolled in Retrouvaille. Gulp!!!


Great news! Truly -- just give it a chance. Take it in (and as for EE, I flew down from Alaska to do "team" - a way to help other participants)

so yes, I think that's worth it too. But for now, it's Retrovaille time!

So glad.

cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Blu, congrats on deciding to go. I was told by a close friend that it is a great program. He said that it wouldn't help me and my W at the time because she is not open to it. I'm sure like everything in life...you have to be open to the possibility for things to actually work.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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