C-nut, thank you. I think your courage and growth are inspiring. We started posting at around the same time and I feel a connection to you. I still smile when I think of your first threads and how hard we hit you with 2*4s. lol. You took them better than anyone :-)
25, please DO hijack my thread! I have learned so much from you over the years. I recall summer 3 years ago, after H left me for OW. I was on vacation with my children in this beautiful, near perfect, place; sunny and gorgeous day, crystal blue waters, happy kids, etc, etc. There I sat, emaciated from weight loss, restless and anxious from racing thoughts and months of sleepless nights, and as I have said before, I was a shell of a person. My go-to safety net, where I didn't feel entirely lost, were these forums. If you posted it, I made sure to read it. You didn't know, but you got me through some very dark times. means more to me than you know. REALLY...
It is because of the vets like you that I am here posting now. I just know that there are 100s or 1000s of readers out there just like us. If anything I share brings them comfort too, then it is all worthwhile. .... Okay, I am way off track now :-)
I watched the Ted talk yesterday and I really enjoyed it. She talked about the importance of vulnerability and that it is necessary (risk) in order to have joy in life. What stuck with me the most is that she talked about our addictive culture and how we numb pain. She said that you cannot only numb pain, but you are also numbing the other emotions, including joy. That made me think. Hard. I have spent a lot of time numbing myself and perhaps that is why I have been so stuck. I've watched and listened to the same TED Talk and greatly benefitted. It prompts a lot of reflection.
I can relate to your example of gambling. I think our vulnerabilities are the chips we have to put on the table if we want to win any prize. When someone has broken our trust or heart, it is that much harder to put the chips down. So now we have to put down all of our chips, and so we have that much more to lose also. Yes the vulnerabilities are a part of it. In my situation in the past, I wish I had played a different game or hedged bets or whatever...
In my situation since the recon, I also am trying to understand the red flags I ignored - that my kids now bring up.
I want to know someday , Why i kept trying to win it all back,
and I do think it's b/c if I walked away from the table then, then all the money (YEARS and love, loyalty, history, dreams, etc) would be lost forever.
Only when it became clear I'd lose any ability to feel safe again (h was gone, even though I was so sick and he acted weird about money, which I had not noticed before)... So only when it was blindingly obvious that h was OUT, and only when he practically dared me to file for D WHILE denying he wanted a divorce, did I walk away from the table and file for divorce.
(Gaslight behaviors continue but there is no one left to gaslight.)
In your situation, your h is now asking you to play again, but he seems to be putting all his cards on the table. And he's been at the table with an open hand, awhile now, right?
Okay, okay, maybe I'm carrying the metaphor too far...
Over the last several years there has been an ongoing match of head verses heart. Rational mind verses emotions. Decisions verses feelings. Really there isn't one winner is there? Great question. I have said and believed in the past that "where the head goes, the heart will follow...if we let it."
I think I believe it! I did not always practice it. And no, I do not believe we should "always follow the gut".
Sometimes we are incredibly afraid and insecure and bring about the very thing we most fear. Heck, h did that with money. Constantly fearing not having enough is why he kept chasing the almighty dollar and moving, and never building stability enough for ME to establish a legal career or for him to build enough of a practice so he'd leave for the next "sure thing".
Then blaming me for not being where he wanted to be, in life.
But there are times we do have to follow our intuitive side. I guess it's about whether our perceptions have roots in reality. And that's personal inner work we have to do to know what to trust.
Fear and shame are things I want a lot LESS of in my life. Shame leads to secrets and those are not okay with me anymore.
Fear is - fear of what? That we are not good enough to have a loving lasting R?
I mean, what is our deepest fear? I think that's something to really dig in for.
For me, what I am learning on this journey is that my heart, feelings, and emotions are constantly changing. Like your blood flowing and your BP, it is never stagnant, and if it is, it will clot off and then the entire system (body) is at risk. When you go into your doc's office and get a BP reading, it does not have much meaning. It is one snap shot in time. If you took 10 readings in a row, they would all be different. That is how I think of our emotions. Amen. I can feel a series of emotions and I can feel mixed conflicting ones at once. What are we supposed to "Do" with those? Sort them out I suppose. See what sticks...
My head, rational mind, and my decisions are something that have changed too. However they are not bouncing up and down and all over the place. They are evolving and improving over time. As I grow and learn
, I can mold and refine them to suit my needs. They are within my control.
^^yes, cognitive behavioral therapy is real. And it's mandatory to self awareness or change
OR we'll be letting emotions push us in directions we don't even look at, b/c we are RUNNING from pain...and not thinking things out.
I saw an IC after my mom died, d19 went to college and we moved for h's job, again, all in 6 weeks. This was before I knew H was checking out...again...
We discussed grief. She said that if you stare at grief in front of you, it can paralyze and overwhelm.
If you hide from it, it will find and push you in A direction....
so we have to learn to see it next to us while we move forward, anyhow. It's there, it hurts but it does not prevent or direct our movement.
make sense?
I choose to control them and let them win more of the battles. Therefore I trust my decisions over my emotions. Ultimately, it is because of this that my M will survive.
Blu
Blu
I think your m surviving is fine, but I hope and believe it can do more. (Or not? I don't "know")
Marrying the head and heart takes time and effort. My belief is that in restored m's, the union between our views of the r, and our feelings about it,
will MOSTLY match. Those who seek 100% full agreement are probably going to be disappointed eternally.
You already see that our emotions change and our thoughts evolve.
Maybe just work on getting them on the same page, then the same paragraph and go from there?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
(((Sara))) I would so love to sit down and have a long talk with you. I have so much respect for you and what you are doing. Yes, I do think we have similar views. I have not shared much about my family, religion, political views, etc, but I will say that I come from a very diverse background and live in a diverse part of the country. I grew up intimately surrounded by many world faiths and I very much appreciate that now in my life.
My father was raised in a Muslim country, my mother and step-father are/were protestant ministers, my BFF's family are Hindu (they were my second family growing up and still are), many of my friends were/are Jewish, and my in-laws are fundamental Catholics. I have been drawn to the teachings of Buddhism, however I (as of now) do not subscribe to one faith having more significance over another. This has been a blessing (in that I can be open-minded to all beliefs) and a curse (in that I lack the connection and identity that I see others have). Again, I digress ...
Sara, I want good things for you. You are so intelligent, hardworking, loyal, have a solid moral compass, and you have so much introspection and self reflection. You deserve someone that loves and appreciates all of these qualities in you. You are also a fighter and I know you will come out on the other side of this mess even stronger.
Bu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Totally procrastinating on all I need to get done today ...
More impressions of Retrouvaille (one week into this journey):
-There is so much significance of putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper. After you write it, you either acknowledge and take responsibility for it, or you cross it off and rethink what you're communicating. Either way, by writing as a form of communication, you minimize reactivity (and that can be futile or dangerous in a M).
-By understanding your partners feelings on a deep and intimate level, you will naturally learn to appreciate them for their uniqueness and vulnerability. This creates more love. Consequently, it shows you the "why" in their actions and behaviors. Those daily disagreements and conflicts begin to have less importance as you gain this valuable insight into who they really are.
-By understanding your own feelings more clearly, you naturally begin to explore the "why." You learn to have more compassion for yourself as you look into your own complexity and vulnerability.
-Laughter is paramount in love. If you can learn to share humor in the little things and even the greater obstacles in life, it makes it more manageable. The connection deepens when everything is not taken so seriously. Laughter reminds us of a newer and easier time, often in the earlier days. Things were joyful and easy then.
Ok. Back to life. Must. Be. Productive.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
So we are 3 weeks post the start of Retrouvaille. I am starting to feel a shift in my thoughts and feelings. The triggers don't have much affect on my emotions. I feel more calm in general. I have a new level of compassion and understanding for my H. We have shared more laughs in the last 3 weeks than we have in a long time. I feel hopeful. ... I also know that I need so keep on it. There are no light switches or magic fairy dust. This will be a continued effort and commitment on both our parts.
I think in DR when MW says it only "takes one to tango," she is referring to the fact that it takes one to show changes, to be affectionate, to be open, to find forgiveness and understanding, and to start the healing process. Once we can start that, we know we have opened the door. What we can't do is force the other person to come inside. That has to be their choice. I am trying to keep my home warm and inviting and not just assume H will always want to be here. That is the only thing I can control.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
So we are 3 weeks post the start of Retrouvaille. I am starting to feel a shift in my thoughts and feelings. The triggers don't have much affect on my emotions. I feel more calm in general. I have a new level of compassion and understanding for my H. We have shared more laughs in the last 3 weeks than we have in a long time. I feel hopeful. ... I also know that I need so keep on it. There are no light switches or magic fairy dust. This will be a continued effort and commitment on both our parts.
yes ^^^^^
I think in DR when MW says it only "takes one to tango," she is referring to the fact that it takes one to show changes, to be affectionate, to be open, to find forgiveness and understanding, and to start the healing process.
yes^^^^
Once we can start that, we know we have opened the door. What we can't do is force the other person to come inside. That has to be their choice. I am trying to keep my home warm and inviting and not just assume H will always want to be here. That is the only thing I can control.
Blu
great post.
Looking back, I think if we had addressed h's underlying issues 10 years ago, well...who knows? All I can say is that it would either have helped us truly restore AND stay on track with our m,
or we'd have ended it then. You are doing what you can, so stay at it.
As for the "not just assume h will always want to be here"....
do you mean that you cannot take his involvement in the m, as a given? Not take him for granted?
(I'm just asking for clarification b/c I was not sure.)
Keep posting!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, I just realized I missed your last post, sorry! ... sometimes you make me think too hard :-) It's also lame that I still don't know how to do multiple quotes in one post. Oh well.
You talked about marrying our head and the heart, and I think ultimately *that* is the most important M of all. Hmmm, maybe THAT is the meaning of life? (Ever since Retrouvaille, I now speak and think in metaphors. It is constant source of laughter between us too. "How was your day?" "Bright yellow. Sunny and warm. Curious--like a new chick hatching." lol) I digress ... Clearly I am not a writer and I do very little writing for my job.
So head and heart--yes, the union is the real M goal--not the perfection but the delicate balance. Perhaps an authentic life is one where our decisions and core values (head) align with our feelings and emotions (heart). Instead of a war with one winner, they live in harmony. I am working on this way of life. I like the idea of them both shaping one another, but ultimately the head should have greater influence. In Biology, the Nature Vs Nurture argument, never has one answer because each constantly affects the other, and back and forth they go. There is even some evidence now that suggest that during sex we may even be exchanging DNA with our partner. That puts an entirely different spin on relationships, doesn't it?
Will my M survive? I would say "yes." However if it doesn't, I know without a doubt I will be fine and my life can still be great. I didn't know that before and I can see the unhealthy dynamics and codependency that existed. It is near impossible to see codependency when you are IN it. I like to think of these things as silver linings in my sitch. The more growth I find, the more I can see through the pain.
25, you talk about how things could have been different. I get a sense that you ponder what you could have done better. From my perspective (my very limited perspective), I wonder what your H could have done differently. As you know, you couldn't have really controlled that or even influenced it as much as you may have wanted to. That is what is so hard about this M stuff. Even if we are (as damn near close as we can be to) perfect, we still have zero control over the other person. You talk about "his underlying issues," which is really on him, isn't it? Not only to work through them, but to be willing to. Not everyone is. Maybe most are not, I don't know.
Did I take my H for granted? Absolutely. Again though, I was in this codependent M and couldn't see it clearly. When I met my H, he was such a breath of fresh air. I thought as we moved through life together and accomplished our goals that it would be enough. That things would slowly, and only, get better over time. That with each accomplishment--degrees, jobs, children, home purchase, and on and on, that life would just get better. I was ill prepared for all of the obstacles and hardships that came with it.
As life got more complicated over the years--because we lacked healthy coping mechs--the M kept taking one hit after the next. All we knew in terms of how to deal with things were what we saw or felt growing up. It wasn't enough! I didn't know it was even happening or that we were deteriorating. I thought our chosen union and feelings of love were enough. We were still together, still loving, still moving forward, etc, etc, that I couldn't see the foundation crumbling. Then the house fell down and it was too late.
So while I will never call his A and our separation a "blessing in disguise," because it has felt more like a curse, I will say that so much positive has come from it. The positive is that we have both chosen to look at ourselves deeply, to look at the M closely, and to do the hard work of rebuilding. If we blasted to the past 3-4 years go, the foundation was still unstable, even if the house didn't fall over. We could have lived in it, but that life didn't feel safe anymore. It wasn't enough. .... What was I talking about again ...
Oh yeah, so now I choose to be with him, and not because my vows say so. Not because I think it's the right thing, but because I like who he is becoming. I like myself more too. Again, more silver linings--they are there if you let yourself find them.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Beautiful BluWave. This will definitely give hope that a M can survive an affair. Love, if you see my post, is a strange thing.
But what is a real choice, is one to never give up, never let go, always holding on to what you have, even if that is not someone physical, but hope. They say that faith is a belief in things that you cannot see. I saw a sign the other day that said that "belief is not faith, knowing is faith". And I have to agree.
If you believe that your M will survive, then there's a good chance it will. However, if you know it will survive, then nothing can stand in your way. You will be that lighthouse, calling the other one home, even if the beach is foggy and it's raining. Two hearts that were meant for each other will always return to each other...
I'm a hopeless romantic... aaaargghhh
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
25, I just realized I missed your last post, sorry! ... sometimes you make me think too hard :-) It's also lame that I still don't know how to do multiple quotes in one post. Oh well.
You talked about marrying our head and the heart, and I think ultimately *that* is the most important M of all. Hmmm, maybe THAT is the meaning of life? (Ever since Retrouvaille, I now speak and think in metaphors. It is constant source of laughter between us too. "How was your day?" "Bright yellow. Sunny and warm. Curious--like a new chick hatching." lol) I digress ... Clearly I am not a writer and I do very little writing for my job. I loved most of the Retrovaille metaphors, but some were...difficult.
So head and heart--yes, the union is the real M goal--not the perfection but the delicate balance. Perhaps an authentic life is one where our decisions and core values (head) align with our feelings and emotions (heart). Instead of a war with one winner, they live in harmony. Good point. Living an authentic life is my goal. I think I'd prefer sharing it with someone, but maybe not. I've never lived alone in my life and there is something very valuable about this experience. It still feels like PTSD at times, but at other times It feels like a new beginning and a new me.
Hopefully a more authentic me.
I am working on this way of life. I like the idea of them both shaping one another, but ultimately the head should have greater influence. In Biology, the Nature Vs Nurture argument, never has one answer because each constantly affects the other, and back and forth they go. There is even some evidence now that suggest that during sex we may even be exchanging DNA with our partner. That puts an entirely different spin on relationships, doesn't it? for some reason this^^ made me very sad. I think it's loss, and probably the OW images...
Will my M survive? I would say "yes." However if it doesn't, I know without a doubt I will be fine and my life can still be great. I didn't know that before and I can see the unhealthy dynamics and codependency that existed. It is near impossible to see codependency when you are IN it. I
agreed^^^
like to think of these things as silver linings in my sitch. The more growth I find, the more I can see through the pain.
25, you talk about how things could have been different. I get a sense that you ponder what you could have done better. I could have insisted h get IC, I could have dug deeper with him about WHY he was able to leave us for so long and not ache. He claimed to miss us terribly, but yet...he still went. Seemed to think that his mistake was more about misjudging the business angle and not about the damage he did to the m or kids. I should have paid more attention to that and less to reconciling.
I did not throw anything in his face and I did not hold a grudge so I feel good about that. I don't know what else, but maybe I'll think of something.
From my perspective (my very limited perspective), I wonder what your H could have done differently. ^^^a hell of a lot
As you know, you couldn't have really controlled that or even influenced it as much as you may have wanted to. That is what is so hard about this M stuff. Even if we are (as damn near close as we can be to) perfect, we still have zero control over the other person.
You talk about "his underlying issues," which is really on him, isn't it? Not only to work through them, but to be willing to. Not everyone is. Maybe most are not, I don't know.
H was NOT willing (or able??) to look deep within, and face some lousy parts to him. There was a lot of deceit going on back then, just as there was the past year.
One nasty part of this is when others use a diagnosis of whatever label, (narcissism comes up a lot with my friends and family, describing h)
it does not "vindicate" me nearly as much as I feel more idiotic and naive. Why on earth was the crap he gave me, enough?
Like a slot machine that pays out a few quarters every 40 times you insert a quarter, somehow that was enough for me? Like I had to keep playing or all the quarters would be lost forever.
And now to hear of his fb posts about how he has found the love of his life, (in 2-4 months, depending on when it began)
is obviously a slap in my face. And to our children, according to them.
But it troubles me most that h sounds as if he believes it! (Not sure)
Can it be true that I was his big obstacle to happiness? Well, I guess that would mean our d's were too, since h left the first time after our son graduated and missed 2 years of their lives.
No, I am smh now. The "So Happy NOW" - if true, then I guess h was not the family man he once was. The kids will never ever see him the same way and they will never feel close to him. That is just true.
Gosh, reading that^^ makes me sick. And sad for all of them. Blu, that's not my fault. I know...
But what if I had left earlier? Then what if I had met someone kind and loyal, 5 years ago? What type of m could I have modeled for my kids, then?
SIGH yes I am now officially ruminating and must stop.
I want to use the "don't look back, it's not where you're going" mantra for now.
Did I take my H for granted? Absolutely. Again though, I was in this codependent M and couldn't see it clearly. When I met my H, he was such a breath of fresh air. I thought as we moved through life together and accomplished our goals that it would be enough. That things would slowly, and only, get better over time. That with each accomplishment--degrees, jobs, children, home purchase, and on and on, that life would just get better. I was ill prepared for all of the obstacles and hardships that came with it. we married while I was still in college, then h's veterinary school, my law school, his change of career into medical school, internship and residency AND 3 kids along the way...
just to have the brass ring and then h yanking it away like an idiot. Very unfair and at times, infuriating.
I cannot handle the anger I feel at times. It's too much. So I withdraw. But I so relate to what you wrote above...
As life got more complicated over the years--because we lacked healthy coping mechs--the M kept taking one hit after the next. All we knew in terms of how to deal with things were what we saw or felt growing up. It wasn't enough! I didn't know it was even happening or that we were deteriorating. I thought our chosen union and feelings of love were enough. We were still together, still loving, still moving forward, etc, etc, that I couldn't see the foundation crumbling. Then the house fell down and it was too late.
So while I will never call his A and our separation a "blessing in disguise," because it has felt more like a curse, I will say that so much positive has come from it. The positive is that we have both chosen to look at ourselves deeply, to look at the M closely, and to do the hard work of rebuilding. If we blasted to the past 3-4 years go, the foundation was still unstable, even if the house didn't fall over. We could have lived in it, but that life didn't feel safe anymore. It wasn't enough. .... What was I talking about again ...
Oh yeah, so now I choose to be with him, and not because my vows say so. Not because I think it's the right thing, but because I like who he is becoming. I like myself more too. Again, more silver linings--they are there if you let yourself find them.
Blu
I'm finding the silver linings alone. I have no choice, but even if I did, the years of lying to me and about me, would be too much for h to face and admit. Probably too much for me to deal with but I'm not sure.
He betrayed me in every way a h can, and he inflicted so much pain on the 4 people who loved him the most. When I ponder that, and am shocked, i realize I'm putting my rational spin on irrational behavior.
Blu, unlike your h, my h has had 2 chances and he blew each. This time he did it when I was so sick, and right as it was supposed to be "25's turn" to choose where to live. There was some long term cognitive dissonance going on there.
I still love who he once was. But that man is dead, I think. I fear (not sure) that it's mostly or all my ego that wants him to want back in.
And the more lousy he is with this divorce, the more I realize how little hope there is of that, b/c it's just way too much damage.
And a growing part of me says "wouldn't it be better to at least NOT have the tension that existed in the past 18 months (and periodically throughout the past decade)
than with h?" Being alone is better than wishing you were.
And another growing part of me thinks it will be nice to love someone again, someone who has my back and enjoys my company, and isn't always angling for their agenda and hiding seething resentments...
is that too much to ask?
Last night I went to a DivorceCare group and some men were talking about their custody battles. I was so moved by the men who were sad about not seeing their kids more.
I would give anything to have a h who missed his kids and ached for their company, like these guys.
maybe h does, but obviously not enough. And from what I hear about his interactions with our children, he lashes out at them when there is no affirmation of his choices, coming from them.
Idiot. How could I have loved a guy like that, for decades?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Did I take my H for granted? Absolutely. Again though, I was in this codependent M and couldn't see it clearly. When I met my H, he was such a breath of fresh air. I thought as we moved through life together and accomplished our goals that it would be enough. That things would slowly, and only, get better over time. That with each accomplishment--degrees, jobs, children, home purchase, and on and on, that life would just get better. I was ill prepared for all of the obstacles and hardships that came with it.
This is something W and I discussed a lot in therapy. The "taking for granted". We will never do this again. We often discussed walking along the beach with our grandchildren as we grew old together. Actually, when she moved in with a friend temporarily, her saddest thought was, "Storm and I will not be together for our grandkids".
We rugswept for years. Years and years. Afraid to hurt each others feelings. Man, how I remember those first days after I kicked her out, the texts that flew back and forth. There was no holding back on either side. She said she didn't feel the same way anymore. I called her a lying cheating slut. The vitriol that spewed from me would make any woman cringe. Everything collapsed, just like a Ponzi scheme. Turns out love DOESN'T conquer all. I remember telling her how much I loved her despite our differences, and she responded, "how the HELL is that love? Shouldn't we share one common thing?"
If this marriage was going to survive, it would take peeling back layers of animosity that built up over the latter years. I think if not for the duration of longevity between us, I may have chucked reconciliation. I'm too old to want to start over.
Quote:
So while I will never call his A and our separation a "blessing in disguise," because it has felt more like a curse, I will say that so much positive has come from it. The positive is that we have both chosen to look at ourselves deeply, to look at the M closely, and to do the hard work of rebuilding.
This is good. My W has had the unfortunate experience of dealing with major depression now (after me having it for almost a year). Her episodes aren't long, maybe a week or so, but they usually follow an argument. So we try our best to work through it and no longer rugsweep. I have the mentality of, "ok, you have to go through this" instead of rescuing her, like I would always do. If she forgot a bill and the debt collector rang, she'd panic and I'd feel guilty and pay it for her. I no longer do this. We're trying not to be as co-dependent as we used to be. She, OTOH, doesn't baby me through my mental issues, instead, she now talks to me yet is understanding and stern when needed. I don't need a mommy anymore. And she doesn't need a daddy. A little tough love never hurt anyone.
There is so much GOOD that has come out of this. We talk. Sex is better and more frequent. I've faced my anxieties about a lot of things now and I've come out a much better person. I'm a much more sympathetic guy. I put my W first. I ask if she needs help around the house. I praise her. She texts me a lot, calls me cute names now.
We like the new people we are. We just have to get used to it.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Wow Blu. I just spent several days reading everything everyone has had to say on every single post on all your threads. And I have learned SO much. I am desperately trying to detach. For myself. To heal. I have been separated for 8 months from my WH. He had an EA. And I would verbally punish him every chance I got. I didn't see it as punishment. Until now. I was just angry and thought how will he know how much he has hurt me if I don't tell him. Every chance I got I put him down and berated him. He did show remorse and sorrow. But I couldn't get over it. And I didn't see that until now. I know he felt horrible and like slime for doing it. Our relationship wasn't perfect before and had its issues. Hence him having an EA. But eventually he had enough of me berating and he left. I couldn't see his pain for my own pain. Now he has rewritten our history and has blamed me for most everything in our past. I have always told him I don't begrudge him leaving. I begrudge him for not giving our family another chance. He split up our family and didn't think twice. And I'm mad about that. I'm mad he walked out. Now I need to have peace. He has told me several times that he will not come back. Yet he refuses to sit down to hash out finances. He won't cash any of my cheques I give him for mortgage. He pays all the house bills here. He pays for my new car and insurance. He pays for my gas. We own a business together. So we see each other every day. That's hard. I still argue. He says he needs that to stop. And I'm trying. It is so hard to not be angry. He has anxiety issues. So he gets all worked up and gets angry very easily. He also carries baggage from his childhood (don't we all ) so when he gets angry and pushes my buttons I try so hard to remain calm. But I blow up. And then accuse him of having a gf. He doesn't. But it's hard to trust him. And really we are separated. He can do whatever he wants. It's none of my business. And that is what I am trying to do. I'm getting new hobbies, hanging out with my friends and decluttering my house. I'm also going to lose some weight. I'm working on becoming a better me. My gut instinct tells me that my WH will come home. He has done so many temp checks. Again I didn't know it as that until I read thru your posts. But I don't get it. He is verbally said that he isn't coming home. But so far as I know he hasn't made any move to make this separation final. We are only common in law. So actual divorce proceedings are needed. I envy your position of piecing. But I just look at my WH and think he said he doesn't want to commit another 5 years to our R let alone 2. He said if he needs to start over in his life he needs to do it now. And that breaks my heart. Seriously. My therapist says if he was serious of splitting up he would have already had the paperwork drawn up and not looked back. She thinks he is still fence sitting. Still in the fog as you vets call it. But I can't handle the back and forth anymore. I told him straight out. I do not want this separation. But if you do then I will sit back and watch you walk away. Because really. I can't fight for a relationship that he doesn't want. So I'm not giving up hope. But I need to detach and become health in my mind. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart for your honest posts. And everyone else responses. You have helped me see the real way to detach and heal.
