Will this ever end. I am so tired. I have had enough. Previous Thread
Originally Posted By: Gordie
I had one of these moments and accidentally dropped my STFU smoothie.
Funny expression, Gordie.
But yes, except for the family being nuked, it's an excellent way to keep the family bond going....
I think if the two people in the marriage worked on it TOGETHER for years I'd have far more sympathy. But one person deciding unilaterally that it's over ...
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I think if the two people in the marriage worked on it TOGETHER for years I'd have far more sympathy. But one person deciding unilaterally that it's over ...
That gets me too, Gump. Just because they think the grass is greener. Mine's favorite thing now is the kids will be fine...yet she's blind as a f****ng bat.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sink clogs are firmly in the "she can call (and pay for) a plumber" camp, IMO. Especially if, as I suspect, you'll be paying child support for some time. And especially where, as you've suggested in the past, you were a Mr. Fixit-type during the M. You're going to derive a lot of benefit from not staying stuck in old patterns. And, truthfully, so will she.
Gordie -- my W's favorite phrase in that I-can't-handle-my-guilt zone is "Children are resilient". It's like fingernails on the chalkboard for me. I seriously want to scream whenever she says it. Some children are. Some aren't. Some perfectly great co-parents still manage to parent children who don't do ok w/r/t divorce. And our spouses have no idea how it's going to go, they just can't face it.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Sorry -- meant Jeep, not Gordie. Was reading too many threads in a row.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Some perfectly great co-parents still manage to parent children who don't do ok w/r/t divorce. And our spouses have no idea how it's going to go, they just can't face it.
It never ceases to amaze me as to how many parents who destroy a family fall back on this line.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Some perfectly great co-parents still manage to parent children who don't do ok w/r/t divorce. And our spouses have no idea how it's going to go, they just can't face it.
It never ceases to amaze me as to how many parents who destroy a family fall back on this line.
Script! I not only get the kids are resilient and kids will be fine...I get the kids will be happier if their mom is happier...sigh.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
My STBXW at least feels guilty and understands the sorrow my younger one feels. But I'm not sure exactly how she reconciles that with her decision to nuke the fam. I think she just compartmentalizes.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Sink clogs are firmly in the "she can call (and pay for) a plumber" camp, IMO.
I think yer prolly right, JR. This is going to be painful, to watch her struggle, and possibly watch her world fall apart. I think things will get really hard for her before they get better. I wish her well and I keep wanting to jump in to help.....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
I not only get the kids are resilient and kids will be fine...I get the kids will be happier if their mom is happier...sigh
Right there with you, my friend.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Script! I not only get the kids are resilient and kids will be fine...I get the kids will be happier if their mom is happier...sigh.
+1 for me hearing these excuses.
I've also heard "People come in and out of your life for different reasons..."
It's all regurgitation of what she's heard from the other divorced or soon-to-be-divorced women in her circle of friends. Meanwhile almost all the research emphasizes that unless the relationship is abusive, the children will ALWAYS be better off in a single family household.
I'm not saying that two people should endure being unhappy just for the kids. But I am saying that two people should look to their kids as inspiration to work on rebuilding happiness in the marriage.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
This is going to be painful, to watch her struggle, and possibly watch her world fall apart. I think things will get really hard for her before they get better. I wish her well and I keep wanting to jump in to help.....
The thing is, her road only has room for her. You know her struggles and failures unless you ask. I know its hard, but you shouldn't ask about those things. She made her bed, don't clean it off for her.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Some perfectly great co-parents still manage to parent children who don't do ok w/r/t divorce. And our spouses have no idea how it's going to go, they just can't face it.
It never ceases to amaze me as to how many parents who destroy a family fall back on this line.
Script! I not only get the kids are resilient and kids will be fine...I get the kids will be happier if their mom is happier...sigh.
Have gotten all these as well. I've also gotten the "D will be happier without all the tension in the house". Well, who's the source of the tension...I get ya'lls frustration.
Originally Posted By: FG
Originally Posted By: JRuss Sink clogs are firmly in the "she can call (and pay for) a plumber" camp, IMO.
I think yer prolly right, JR. This is going to be painful, to watch her struggle, and possibly watch her world fall apart. I think things will get really hard for her before they get better. I wish her well and I keep wanting to jump in to help.....
agree with both of you on this. you've got to get out of this habit (i'm guilty of this too). My instinct is to snap to and fix it, but probably not the right answer.
everything's going to be good FG. You're a great man who continues to be strong for his kids. hang in there brother
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Amen, brother. I have seen bloodbaths when it comes to divorce and how it affects children. I work in the mental health field and treated children/adolescents inpatient. With very few exceptions the children were from divorced parents and lived one week here and one week there.
My BIG goal was the raise my children in a warm, loving, functional marriage. I will stop at nothing to try and accomplish that. So I've been studying the DBing techniques like I studied for my licensing exams, like a full time job. I've watched Michelle's videos repeatedly, read DR multiple times and highlighted passages, I've had 11 DBing sessions with my coach and review the notes constantly. Because while children may be resilient I still want to give them what I never had, a two parent home that was functional and rich with love. So...we soldier on, eh?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
There is nothing as particularly demoralizing as discussing or negotiating the division of major assets. Not this cup or that blender. Major assets. Simply by engaging in it, you enter into a relationship of you-vs-an-other. You are no longer mates. You are no longer partners. It's your interests vs. hers. Just by engaging in it, you dismantle the bond you shared for years. It feels dehumanizing to me.
I've also been thinking about cake vs. cake. There is practical cake and emotional cake. By practical cake, I mean the material and financial benefits, or some other way in which you are provided a practical benefit. Then there is emotional cake, where you feel comforted, safe, wanted, desired.
It seems to me, when a WW loses her practical cake, it's not likely to wake her up from her fog. It may just intensify it by increasing her sense of resentment toward you.
It's when a WW loses her emotional cake, that there is a small, a very small chance, that she'd realize what she's losing in a partner.
This is the kind of thing I think about when I run at night.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
There is nothing as particularly demoralizing as discussing or negotiating the division of major assets. Not this cup or that blender. Major assets. Simply by engaging in it, you enter into a relationship of you-vs-an-other. You are no longer mates. You are no longer partners. It's your interests vs. hers. Just by engaging in it, you dismantle the bond you shared for years. It feels dehumanizing to me.
You couldn't have said it better. The thing is, you have to treat it like a business deal, because that's exactly what it is.
Quote:
This is the kind of thing I think about when I run at night.
Run, laying in bed. Its the same for me. That's one reason why I hit the punching bag often.
Gump, you are doing good, my friend. One foot in front of the other.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"Dehumanizing" -- I've used the exact same phrase when talking about that process with my IC, father, etc. I found that watching how she went about it, how she fixated far more on the major assets than she appeared to focus on her "resilient" children, helped me let go. Not the person or value system I want to be around, at all.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Yes, I find that the negotiating process pushes us apart farther. I have tried to understand it from her perspective though. And in my situation, at least, I think she's driven by a sense of insecurity and (so far) just a ... low/developing ability to run her life as an independent adult in our society. So, after my initial distaste for it all, I settle into a place of sympathy and wishing her well.
My Mom responded well to my BD. She was sympathetic and supportive, and was ready to dash over (from far away) to help. But I told her I need a few weeks to transition, then she'd be welcome to visit.
The issue of my W's choice in men keeps coming up because she feels a high level of anxiety about our older one starting to date... because she's only dated a$$holes and I'm the only decent guy. That makes me wonder what I'll do w/r/t my kids if she starts dating a$$holes again. I will have to confront her if the kids are exposed to her a$$hole boyfriends.
$#@#!!!!!!
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
That's great about you Mom, FG. It probably feels good to have finally let her know. The more support, the better, I think. I honestly don't know where I'd be without my parents through all of this, especially my Dad.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Agree. I was really surprised that my mom/dad would be so level headed when they found out too. It's amazing how supportive family can be.
FG, I will say that you're somewhat in your own head right now. Tough to predict the future, better to stay away from the topic of your W dating. Nothing but bad thoughts down that path. Not being critical, you probably just don't get any benefit from letting your mind wander there.
I personally think our Ds will look to us for an example of the men they want to date. Seeing how good of a man you are, I've no doubt your D has an excellent example to follow. Don't let the negatives eat at you, stay strong, and keep being that rock for your kids. Hang in there brother.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
LT, good points about not focusing on STBXW dating and that hopefully her standards for men will have improved during her marriage with me. Thank you.
About my Mom (Dad has passed)... if I know her at all, I know she's totally heart broken for me and my kids, and deeply disappointed and angry at my STBXW. But she's exercising great restraint in not expressing that to me. So far, anyway. Might come out one day.
In any case, I was concerned she might add to my stress but she hasn't.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Hang in there FG. I know how awful it must feel being at this point. Your mom seems like she's going to be a good point of support for you which is great. I'd also been fearful that having family know would add to my stress. It was a pleasant surprise to find out that they handle it pretty well.
Just keep being you brother. You have always been one of the stronger folks around here. If I can see that then your kids definitely can. I've no doubt that, with the example you are setting for them, they will be ok in the future. They're lucky to have you as their dad. Stay strong FG!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Our younger one is sad every morning, every day about our impending breakup. He's counting the days til my move out date. STBXW was weeping this morning, after hearing him ask how many days are left. Heart breaking, all of it. I just held him and told him he and I will always be together and that he'll stay with me half of the time and that I will see him a lot at extracurricular activities.
In retrospect, I think telling the kids about 1 to 1.5 wks in advance might have been better than 2.5 wks. Hard to balance the effect of anxiety of anticipation vs. the surprise (shock?) of physically breaking up the family.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
There is no easy time to tell them. Wait too long, and it will be more of a shock on them. Some even have become resentful at that.
They say that kids are resilient...yes they are, but they will always carry these scars with them. And they will be afraid that somehow its their fault. Be strong and there for them.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I know the feeling. I have thought about that time and time again. I hate what its doing to them. Hate it. I can't imagine life without them as they are everything that I am.
I can now say that if it weren't for the kids, I'd never have even gotten married. At least not to her, anyway.
What we - yep, we - have to do is shield them as best possible. Mine is trying parental alienation tricks on them. When they ask questions, I try not to talk badly about her, but at the same time I tell the truth. When they get older, I'll fill them in if they ask...not looking forward to that. I'm sure they will found out about her affair and all that.
This is sucktastic, man...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
When they ask questions, I try not to talk badly about her, but at the same time I tell the truth. When they get older, I'll fill them in if they ask...not looking forward to that. I'm sure they will found out about her affair and all that.
Couldn't agree more. My oldest is 8 and wise beyond her years. I had the girls on V-Day and she asked me where did all of our dinner plates go... To which I responded that mommy came and took some. She got super upset and told me that next time she sees mommy she is going to be angry at her for taking our stuff. Part of me wanted to break down cause I know this is hard for her. However, I told her that it was wrong for her to be mad at mommy and that is not what I expect from her. I told her to continue to help mommy out as she does for me. She asks me how is it that I am not angry at mommy. I had to explain to her that I wasn't angry at mommy, but I was hurt and asked her if she knew the difference. I know when the time comes they will be old enough to ask the question on what happened. I also do not plan to lie to my children, but how do you go about nicely explaining that their mommy ruined our M by having an PA? It a tough one for sure.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
I know when the time comes they will be old enough to ask the question on what happened. I also do not plan to lie to my children, but how do you go about nicely explaining that their mommy ruined our M by having an PA? It a tough one for sure.
I'm dreading that conversation, as mine will be a bit more involved. I'm sure she is already filling their heads with crap.
Maybe not mention the PA but tell them it was her decision - ALL her decision? That's a very fine line. Just do what you think is right. They may/may not find out about the PA...I'm not so sure that should be shared with them, but if they ask I most certainly won't lie.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
My heart really goes out to you guys. I feel a lot of these same emotions and my sitch has not progressed nearly as far as either of yours, so I can't even imagine how hard the knife is twisting. I think that eventually we could all get to a point where the pain of losing our wives goes away (or at least becomes manageable) but the love for our kids never waivers. It only intensifies. Just yesterday my son asked me why I "always sleep downstairs now?"
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
I think that eventually we could all get to a point where the pain of losing our wives goes away (or at least becomes manageable) but the love for our kids never waivers. It only intensifies. Just yesterday my son asked me why I "always sleep downstairs now?"
You are correct, sir, in that the pain of losing the ex lessens - it never goes away. EVER. It's the children that make it terrible. My ex is convinced they will be fine...yet she doesn't see, or if she does she doesn't acknowledge it. I picked them up this weekend and she had brought them a sh*tton of stuff...typical lately.
Its so hard when the kids ask why. And its even harder when she tries to alienate them. Ugh. They are my everything.
THat knife pain you mentioned was so bad at BD? Magnified now. Much magnified.
Just being there for them and their rock. That's all there is now.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She got super upset and told me that next time she sees mommy she is going to be angry at her for taking our stuff. Part of me wanted to break down cause I know this is hard for her. However, I told her that it was wrong for her to be mad at mommy and that is not what I expect from her. I told her to continue to help mommy out as she does for me. She asks me how is it that I am not angry at mommy. I had to explain to her that I wasn't angry at mommy, but I was hurt and asked her if she knew the difference.
SAL27,
Is there something wrong with being angry with your wife? Given the circumstances, I think it's a valid emotion.
Is there something wrong with being angry with your wife? Given the circumstances, I think it's a valid emotion.
Well to be honest after I dropped off the girls to her last night I started calling her every name in the book. Not in front of the kids or her, but while I was driving home by myself. She just spent the weekend with the OM and I think that is why I had to let out some steam. But for the most part I truly don't want to live in anger towards her for the rest of my life. I want to let that **** go and move on. I also want to be a good role model for my 2 little girls. Someday they are going to start dating and I want them to know what to look for in a good man. My W doesn't deserve me anymore so she doesn't get to make me angry. Yes, there will be times when her actions **** me off, but I always take a little time to remind myself that I am better than this and there is no need to allow her to ruin my day.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Just being there for them and their rock. That's all there is now.
Inspiring words Jeep. Let's never lose sight of this!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
At this point, I would rather have had an empty life than to cause all this on my kids. Nothingness would have been better than all this pain.
FG, I get what you're saying about never meeting your W and the pain this brings to the kids. I've found myself wondering similar, but then I take a look at my D and realize how lucky I am to have her in my life.
You are so well equipped to be that rock for your kids. Moreso than myself and I also believe alot of the folks around here. I think as time progresses, your feelings around the above will change. You'll see how your actions and thoughts help stabilize things for the kids. You'll be good and I know that they will too. You're a hell of a father fighting a hell of a battle and you are excelling at it. Hang in there brother.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
FG, I get what you're saying about never meeting your W and the pain this brings to the kids. I've found myself wondering similar, but then I take a look at my D and realize how lucky I am to have her in my life.
Very true! I have my girls tonight as my W goes out on another date and I wouldn't have it any other way. They mean the world to me and if anything was gained out of this broken R....it was those 2 beautiful girls.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Just catching up, Gump. I understand where you're coming from with regards to not having the kids to avoid causing them pain. BUT, it's coming from a bad place. You're a good dad and would spare them any pain if you could. I get it.
You're kids are a gift to you and will always be the bright spot in your life. This might not be the life lesson you wanted to teach them, but it's now out of your control. Teach them about resiliency, how to pick up the pieces and move on with life. Teach them that bad things happen but your dad always has your back.
I come from a split home. My mother in her infinite wisdom thought it best to keep me away from my father. At 6 years old I had to learn how to sneak visits and phone calls to my own dad. But my dad was my everything. He was the rock I always knew was there. No matter what time it was or what he was doing, he'd run if I called. Be that for your kids
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
I have been following your sitch and have been very impressed with they way you handled yourself through the process. Why do you think our Ws are not worried about the 50% of time they will be losing with our kids over the next 10 plus years?
In my W's case, it's because she's a very impulse-driven person, and, related to that, she has difficulty understanding a hypothetical scenario. She lives one day at a time. So someone can tell her "50% for the next ten years," and it just doesn't register the same way that it does others. Her brain is much more soaking up the emotions she feels today, her frustrations with our marriage and her infatuation with her divorced future. She also doesn't shift slowly between plans. Once a plan is set in her mind, it's set -- until there is some acute catalyst that makes her flip-flop.
As for MLC-ers and WAW's and WW's in general, I think some of this applies. They are just so sick of the marriage and so enamored with the solution (the divorce) that they fail to see the problems with their idea. They are self-focused, and their brain just wants to stop feeling bad. Even if it means losing 50% of the access to their kids. Plus if they have pot-stirrers and echo-chamber friends (divorcees) around them saying, Don't worry, kids are resilient, that helps them forget.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Prepared our stipulated judgment document to submit to court. Felt a little like cake feeding, since, after all, she's the one that filed. But, per DB coach, I need to strike a balance between "not standing in your way" vs. total stonewalling. When I sent her the document for review, I did include a one-liner saying I prepared the doc out of my respect for her wish, but that I still believe this is a very bad decision. Did that really as a footnote, not with any hope she'd be affected by it. I don't think she will have any true second thoughts until she hits rock bottom, and we're far from that.
It's just starting to sink in ... that my finances will be totally nuked by the divorce. People talk about that, but I don't think you really see it until you get a skinny paycheck and have to pay your bills. I'm a little worried, but not overwhelmed, yet. Will have to rethink my spending habits.
Anyhow, I expect to be legally divorced by this time next week. I once wondered if I'd ever get married. Being divorced never even occurred to me.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Nuked finances? Never thought I'd be divorced? You write the things I am afraid to admit.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Because I was a fix-it nice guy, because I was co-dependent, because I just jumped at every chance to take care of my wife and my family... my wife never really had to wrestle w/ the financial and practical realities of living a middle-class life in America. I paid all the bills, I fixed all the broken stuff, I coordinated most of the health care. My doing everything for her helped engender in her mind a warped and naive view of what a divorce would look like, as well as fuel her sense of emptiness, and a growing resentment for a loss of control of her life. There's nothing that makes you feel a sense of purpose like struggling, and I'm guilty of taking that away from her.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Gump, you hit this one on the head. With the exception of fixing the broken stuff, I did and still do everything else. I see a rude awakening coming for them. I get the sense you feel bad about it. Don't. You took care of your family. That's something to be proud of.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
FG, While it's nice to see some accountability I still think you are being waaay harsh on yourself. You were a good husband, kind and generous. Your wife has become complacent and spoiled and blames you for her lack of direction. You didn't tie her hands refuse to let her help out. You don't know if someone wants something unless they verbalize it. For instance, she could have said, "Hey, you take care of the finances so well I want to learn how you do that! Then when I get as sharp as you I can take over."
It's interesting how our situations are so reversed. I handled all the finances, bills, insurance stuff and kid's appointments. My WH would always be available to actually take them to the appointment but not remember when to schedule and everything. I was super resentful of this and often used passive aggressive sighs and snippy remarks. Well that didn't work but I just kept doing it. :P
You sound like a strong and caring man, your wife is foolish not to see that. But hitting rock bottom will definitely be a wake up call for her. When WH was looking into divorce and realized how he would be doing alllll the household planning and be responsible for 50% of the kids logistics and appointments he suddenly realized how much I did.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I'm not saying it was all my fault, but I played a role. I should have behaved earlier like I had nothing to lose, instead of catering to her problems. Lesson learned.
I've reached a place where I definitely see my wife for who she is and isn't, and do not want her back the way she is, nor do I want my marriage back the way it was. The old marriage is definitely dead.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Friday night I'm going nowhere All the lights are changing green to red
And if you want it Come and get it Crying out loud The love that I was Giving you was Never in doubt Let go your heart Let go your head And feel it now Let go your heart Let go your head And feel it now
Papers are in. Should be official any day now.
I think my W was right. We just married the wrong people.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
This is a tough spot, FG. No way around it. You can't ever prepare for this, emotionally. Getting served, having the gavel come down. It's just bad and painful, because it's so real and final and in your face. Even if you've known intellectually for some time things were "over". But it will pass, the world will keep spinning, and your life is going to improve. I'm sure of it. And quicker than you think.
Re your child showing a lot of sadness (you mentioned that a few pages back, hopefully it's easing), I know it's hard to see, but what that tells me is you've raised a child who is comfortable enough and secure enough in his environment that (s)he can show his emotions. Not closed down, which is much more indicative of a problem, I think. It's actually really an appropriate feeling (sadness) to have when you think about it, and being able to express it suggests a child who is secure and knows there is support there, who doesn't have to bottle it all in. Adults do poorly when they have to bottle emotions up inside them; kids really, really can't deal with that.
Now for what I hope is some good news: I've been reading a ton about single dad/co-parenting stuff lately, and all of the data seem to suggest that what kids really, really need in these sitches is one parent who's all in, doing things the right way. Being kind, loving, patient, not bad mouthing the other spouse (this is big, even if it is deserved), but not being a parent who spoils or a pushover, meting out discipline when needed in a calm, fair, consistent way, etc. If they get that, what the data are showing is that they have no greater chance of having a bad result than a child who grows up in a happy, two-spouse, one home environment. And this is even if the other spouse ends up being a disaster of a post-divorce parent.
So we can give that to them! It's entirely in our control. Kids ARE resilient, if their dad is resilient. Be that for them, and they will be ok. You can make this happen. It leaps off the page in everything you write. I really think it will quickly become a huge source of pride for you, justifiably, and it (owning and bossing post-divorce fatherhood) will be your anchor and jumping off point for new personal growth, experiences and adventures.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I've been reading a ton about single dad/co-parenting stuff lately, and all of the data seem to suggest that what kids really, really need in these sitches is one parent who's all in, doing things the right way. Being kind, loving, patient, not bad mouthing the other spouse (this is big, even if it is deserved), but not being a parent who spoils or a pushover, meting out discipline when needed in a calm, fair, consistent way, etc. If they get that, what the data are showing is that they have no greater chance of having a bad result than a child who grows up in a happy, two-spouse, one home environment. And this is even if the other spouse ends up being a disaster of a post-divorce parent
I've been struggling with this. I'm faced with an ex who's hell-bent on parental alienation, and her family who is doing their best to turn them against me. They are more than upset that their "precious little angel" didn't get custody and lost a lot more than that...and they are using whatever they can. What do your readings suggest that should be done in that situation?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep -- what she's doing is illegal in a lot of states. Talk to your lawyer. You may be entitled to a restraining order. That is really beyond the pale, if you ask me -- a cheater turned alienator. Not much redeemable there, at all. I feel for you, very much.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
But anyway, what I've read is that you just have to stay that stable, rock for them. Not bad mouth her back, but definitely set the record straight, with words, but mainly through actions and consistency. Alienation won't work if you have custody and are there for them. (It unfortunately can where you don't have access). But your kids are smart, their sophistication and knowledge of how things work will only continue to grow, and she really will bite her nose of to spite her face by doing this. She'll turn them against her, because they'll know -- because they witness the truth all the time -- that you're not what she says you are, and they'll rightly judge her poorly for slagging on their dad whom they know to be great, especially if you don't reciprocate it back at her.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
I'm OK. This is the last weekend for us together as a family. Made a pancake-eggs-sausage-fruit breakfast for the kids this morning. Then, I felt a little guilty but took about half a day to go do an outdoor sport w/ one of my buddies. Felt good. Came home, made dinner, played with my kids, played a little music, got the younger one ready for bed, then sat w/ him while he fell asleep. Not sure exactly what my STBXW did with her day. Didn't ask. She isn't giddy about her husband-free future, but she doesn't seem to be marking this weekend as the last weekend together either.
My STBXW may be simply my XW. The paperwork is on the judge's desk. He/she may have signed it. When I think about this, I just want to stop existing. My Dad, near his death, after a long struggle with an illness, loopy on an opiate, said he just wants to be run over by a truck. I'm reminded of that.
My only recourse to depression is to just focus on the practicalities. I prepare and plan my move into the new house. I work. There was a time when my mind kept drifting back to the loss of my wife, the breakup of the family. But I'm finding myself more successful at just pushing those thoughts away.
My younger one wanted donuts in the morning. I decided to make them for him instead of buying them. The dough is rising right now. I'm indulging him. It will be hard for him when I move out this week, and the family breaks in half.
He deserves better. But I see now that our combined fate was sealed long ago.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
FG, I'm waiting on freshly made donuts right now while W and D sleep too. Enjoy today with the kids. Don't think of this as an ending but as a fresh start to make an awesome new home with your kids. I know your plans, character, and future will be and are solid brother.
Hang in there brother. You and the kids will be good, regardless of how today ends.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I see something quite extraordinary. I read about a dad who has great delight and pleasure with his children. Who has his priorities bang on.
A man who can relate and love, I see strength.
I see fabulous adventures to come, things which are different and shared with your children.
I see a new beginning not an ending. The latest chapter of the book opening.
Really I do
V
This x 1000. You are a man of strength and character FG, as V said. No doubt about it. When the time comes, if I can do half as well as you, I will be proud.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
You are an inspiration. I understand the feelings of wanting something to end the pain but you have shown me how to be stronger than those feelings. Thank you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
How I wish I had a dad like you. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I did the EOWekend and every other holiday thing. That meant not a lot of memories when he died. (I was 10) If my father had cooked even one breakfast like that and spent time with me it would have engraved in my memory forever. You are an amazing man and father. Your wife is an idiot. (sorry, not very PMA of me but she is an idiot not to fight for you)
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Now for what I hope is some good news: I've been reading a ton about single dad/co-parenting stuff lately, and all of the data seem to suggest that what kids really, really need in these sitches is one parent who's all in, doing things the right way. Being kind, loving, patient, not bad mouthing the other spouse (this is big, even if it is deserved), but not being a parent who spoils or a pushover, meting out discipline when needed in a calm, fair, consistent way, etc. If they get that, what the data are showing is that they have no greater chance of having a bad result than a child who grows up in a happy, two-spouse, one home environment. And this is even if the other spouse ends up being a disaster of a post-divorce parent.
Did ya read any books, etc. on single dad/coparenting you'd recommend? I need to start prepping for that.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Just be the best you can. No book can teach you that.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hang in there man. You're doing the best you can, and better than 99% of the people in the same situation. Lean on your support (including us!) and go easy on yourself.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Did ya read any books, etc. on single dad/coparenting you'd recommend? I need to start prepping for that.
I have one in particular that is very good that I definitely recommend, but I don't know if the site lets us post recommendations like that? I got scolded once and can't remember if I was talking about another divorce-beating school of thought (i.e., a direct competitor of MWD), or whether it is just a blanket prohibition.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
"Mom's House, Dad's House: Making two homes for your child"?
Psy- you're supposed to say, How I wish I had a H like you! cuz... I wish I had a W like you! If my W fought for our marriage 1/100th of how you fought for it....
I'm tired of couch surfing. I'm tired of being in limbo w/ someone I care for. I need to move on.
All that's left now is to be courageous and stable for my kids.
And waking up to someone who is not angry.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
"Mom's House, Dad's House: Making two homes for your child"?
I hate this so much. Really, really hate it.
Quote:
All that's left now is to be courageous and stable for my kids.
That's all you can be, my friend. There is no other option.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Some perfectly great co-parents still manage to parent children who don't do ok w/r/t divorce. And our spouses have no idea how it's going to go, they just can't face it.
It never ceases to amaze me as to how many parents who destroy a family fall back on this line.
Script! I not only get the kids are resilient and kids will be fine...I get the kids will be happier if their mom is happier...sigh.
Same with me Gordie, mixed with "i'm a better mother when you aren't around."
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Same with me Gordie, mixed with "i'm a better mother when you aren't around."
Very, very similar to mine. Mine goes as far to say they behave very well when they aren't skyping with me when she has them - see, they tend to be a little out of control.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"Zombie Apocalypse: How to Pick Up the Pieces and Survive with Your Children When Your Wife Nukes Your Marriage."
Can I pre-order a copy? I can host a book signing at my house...all of you can come...and invite your H, W, STBXH, STBXW, XH, XW...and let's not leave out the OMs and OWs...there will be an open bar...and we can even host a fight club...Hs vs. OMs and Ws vs. OWs...it'll be epic! Sorry, no children permitted.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Man that sounds like a good idea all except the OM part. One of us wouldn't be walking out. bahaha
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
All cookies are basically the same thing: butter, sugar, vanilla, flour and bits of chocolate and nuts. But why do they all taste so different?
I find the same is with heartbreak. There are so many different versions. The idea behind them all are the same, yet they each bruise the heart differently.
The bomb drop. The paperwork. The carving of your time with your own F[censored]G kids. The division of assets. The waiting for the judge to sign, a guillotine. Then when you think it's all over, you begin contemplating the reality of seeing your wife with a new partner. How much bludgeoning can your soul take.
But actually, over all, I'm doing better. Enjoying moving into my own house. Enjoying setting it up the way I want it to. Enjoying my time with my kids when they come over.
Things have been very cordial and cooperative with my ex. Down right friendly. After years of being a SAHM, she just got a full time job. She's scared, and said she loved me and missed me (but clearly was not saying she wants to get back together, in her mind this was/is inevitable because we are wrong for each other.)
Just when I feel at peace with how it all turned out, I test myself by imagining seeing my ex with someone new. Then how would I feel?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Just when I feel at peace with how it all turned out, I test myself by imagining seeing my ex with someone new. Then how would I feel?
Probably like crap, and that's putting it mildly. I would be lying if I said I was completely at peace with how my sitch is going, but for the most part I can think clearly and can finally see my future without my W. I then think of my W with another man and that breaks down my soul and the self doubts come crashing in. Sometimes I crazily think it would be a good thing for me because it would force me to really move on. I'm coming up on 10 months BD and if my W started seeing someone now then it's further proof a possible future M won't happen.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Just when I feel at peace with how it all turned out, I test myself by imagining seeing my ex with someone new. Then how would I feel?
Probably like crap, and that's putting it mildly. I would be lying if I said I was completely at peace with how my sitch is going, but for the most part I can think clearly and can finally see my future without my W. I then think of my W with another man and that breaks down my soul and the self doubts come crashing in. Sometimes I crazily think it would be a good thing for me because it would force me to really move on. I'm coming up on 10 months BD and if my W started seeing someone now then it's further proof a possible future M won't happen.
I'm sure its not healthy, but I haven't let my mind even think about that part of it. Although, i'm quite sure she's with him today as she's looking for an apartment to move into (he won't be moving in with her thankfully).
On the other side of the coin, OM's wife has had a hard time not thinking about her husband with my wife. So, while i'm intentionally not thinking about OM, his wife is struggling with thinking about the OW (my wife).
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
To some extent, my friend. But seeing the hurt in the kids' eyes makes all other hurt pale in comparison. PALE in comparison.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
FG, I know what you mean about seeing pain in your children's eyes. At one point WH left the house and did not say when he would return. My DD6 asked when daddy was coming home and I answered that I wasn't sure. She said, "I think I need to cry now." I was gutted and simultaneously enraged that my WH could be so unbelievably selfish.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I know what you mean about seeing pain in your children's eyes. At one point WH left the house and did not say when he would return. My DD6 asked when daddy was coming home and I answered that I wasn't sure. She said, "I think I need to cry now." I was gutted and simultaneously enraged that my WH could be so unbelievably selfish.
Ugh. So sorry, PsySara. I'm dealing with the same thing. This weekend the kids had a meltdown and she just acted like, well, it was an inconvenience that they wanted to stay with me. Sometimes I wish I could just slap the sh*t out of her and say look at what you are doing to them.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Sometimes I wish I could just slap the sh*t out of her and say look at what you are doing to them.
I know we have all had that feeling...the bad part is that that would make absolutely no difference to them. It would be just one more nail in the D coffin.
Like most have said on here...one day at a time.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Sometimes I wish I could just slap the sh*t out of her and say look at what you are doing to them.
I know we have all had that feeling...the bad part is that that would make absolutely no difference to them. It would be just one more nail in the D coffin.
Like most have said on here...one day at a time.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
My kids havent really felt the pain yet, and im dreading when that comes. Its all going to hit when their mom moves out and they are staying a few days a week in a new place (wife and i are birdnesting right now - taking turns at the house so the kids never leave).
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Yep, the effect on the kids ... that's what makes me wish for the world to just end. Just turn out the lights.
The stuff happening to me... I feel like I can survive it.
Are they sad, angry, or numb? Are they acting out? How are you helping them? ForGump...you are surviving AND helping your kids. You have our unconditional support.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
On my end they are sad and at times act out. I wonder how much parental alienation is going on...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Parental alienation is when one parent tries to alienate the kids or turn them against the other parent. For example, one parent will talk about how bad the other is or whatever - the goal is to turn the kids against the other parent. It may start out small with little, innocent comments and adds up over time. Or maybe it starts big-time out of the gate.
I know my ex told my son that he needs to spend more time with her than me. And that's what he has told me - I don't ask what they talk about because he won't tell me. I just do the best I can and show them that they are loved and wanted.
Parental alienation is a terrible thing to do with a kid. It may also be in the form of telling the kids one of the parents did bad things to end the marriage. You get the drift.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Are they sad, angry, or numb? Are they acting out? How are you helping them?
The older one (a young teen) is doing ok, at least on the outside. The younger one is periodically sad and confused, and wishes for the family to stay together. He's also the one who wishes we can all live in the same house forever, so for him stability and permanency is very important.
They're not really acting out. At least as far as I can see.
I can't say I'm doing anything special to help them out. Just being steady. When asked about divorce, tell them the plain truth but stay general. I've always been present and involved, so I haven't changed all that much.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
He's also the one who wishes we can all live in the same house forever, so for him stability and permanency is very important.
This is one reason why I fought for the house. Because it's their house. The house they know and love. And it will be a comfort zone for them...sort of a protection blanket, I guess. If I have to go without things for me to keep it and provide for them, I will. I want them to have as much stability as I can.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Im dreading the day we have to tell my kids that mom is moving out. Its going to destroy our 6 year old.
There is no easy way to do it. I'd fight to wait until summer break, if I were you. School's hard enough for them when things are right, and to do that in the middle of the school year could have negative effects.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Coly, thanks. Warm thoughts from all my friends here keep me from entirely losing my faith in humanity.
I've been doing OK. I've just been deliberately pushing away all the sad thoughts, and have been successful at it so far. Been cordial w/ my ex, and we've had many interactions. Fed her some cake as well (helped her w/ stuff) -- but I see it as just being me, I'm not trying to get something out of it. At this point, I'm just trying to move on by setting up my own house and my life, and not DB.
The real big test (?) will be if/when I see my ex with someone else. I think that will hurt. So maybe I do have some work to do, to detach and move on with my life further.
I've been rather enjoying setting up my own house, although the finances are a bit worrisome. My kids are handling the two-house situation quite well so far, although the younger one is often missing the other parent. I have chosen not to dwell on it, and just push on. I realize it's sad but at this point there is nothing I can do, but to just acknowledge the sadness (of missing the other parent), and try to move on to some activity that will make us both happier.
My ex, who had been a SAHM all our married years, is starting a new job but is in a perpetual state of panic because she has poor life skills. She might be able to hang in there while there is spousal support, but ... she's still thinking on a day-by-day basis. I don't see her thinking long-term, big-picture. Sad to watch her struggle, but it's not my place to be her career counselor.
I may post updates here from time to time. I am probably more likely to post in the "Life after the big D" forum.
It's been a long, and sometimes wild ride. Thank you to all of you who have posted in my thread. I consider all of you friends. I wish you all the best. Truly.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Will keep an eye out for you. Take care, keep on being strong, FG
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
My ex, who had been a SAHM all our married years, is starting a new job but is in a perpetual state of panic because she has poor life skills. She might be able to hang in there while there is spousal support, but ... she's still thinking on a day-by-day basis. I don't see her thinking long-term, big-picture. Sad to watch her struggle, but it's not my place to be her career counselor.
Exactly right. Not your monkey, not your circus.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dude. I know the feeling. And the ex's don't give a shite about nothing but themselves.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
