Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #9]

[Gordie]

Nuked finances? Never thought I'd be divorced? You write the things I am afraid to admit.

[ForGump]

Because I was a fix-it nice guy, because I was co-dependent, because I just jumped at every chance to take care of my wife and my family... my wife never really had to wrestle w/ the financial and practical realities of living a middle-class life in America. I paid all the bills, I fixed all the broken stuff, I coordinated most of the health care. My doing everything for her helped engender in her mind a warped and naive view of what a divorce would look like, as well as fuel her sense of emptiness, and a growing resentment for a loss of control of her life. There's nothing that makes you feel a sense of purpose like struggling, and I'm guilty of taking that away from her.

[010207]

Gump, you hit this one on the head. With the exception of fixing the broken stuff, I did and still do everything else. I see a rude awakening coming for them. I get the sense you feel bad about it. Don't. You took care of your family. That's something to be proud of.

[PsySara]

FG,
While it's nice to see some accountability I still think you are being waaay harsh on yourself. You were a good husband, kind and generous. Your wife has become complacent and spoiled and blames you for her lack of direction. You didn't tie her hands refuse to let her help out. You don't know if someone wants something unless they verbalize it. For instance, she could have said, "Hey, you take care of the finances so well I want to learn how you do that! Then when I get as sharp as you I can take over."

It's interesting how our situations are so reversed. I handled all the finances, bills, insurance stuff and kid's appointments. My WH would always be available to actually take them to the appointment but not remember when to schedule and everything. I was super resentful of this and often used passive aggressive sighs and snippy remarks. Well that didn't work but I just kept doing it. :P

You sound like a strong and caring man, your wife is foolish not to see that. But hitting rock bottom will definitely be a wake up call for her. When WH was looking into divorce and realized how he would be doing alllll the household planning and be responsible for 50% of the kids logistics and appointments he suddenly realized how much I did.

[ForGump]

PS-

Thanks. It helps me to hear your kind words.

I'm not saying it was all my fault, but I played a role. I should have behaved earlier like I had nothing to lose, instead of catering to her problems. Lesson learned.

I've reached a place where I definitely see my wife for who she is and isn't, and do not want her back the way she is, nor do I want my marriage back the way it was. The old marriage is definitely dead.

[ForGump]

D. Gray's Babylon is stuck in my head tonight.

Friday night I'm going nowhere
All the lights are changing green to red

And if you want it
Come and get it
Crying out loud
The love that I was
Giving you was
Never in doubt
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now
Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now

Papers are in. Should be official any day now.

I think my W was right. We just married the wrong people.

[JRuss]

This is a tough spot, FG. No way around it. You can't ever prepare for this, emotionally. Getting served, having the gavel come down. It's just bad and painful, because it's so real and final and in your face. Even if you've known intellectually for some time things were "over". But it will pass, the world will keep spinning, and your life is going to improve. I'm sure of it. And quicker than you think.

Re your child showing a lot of sadness (you mentioned that a few pages back, hopefully it's easing), I know it's hard to see, but what that tells me is you've raised a child who is comfortable enough and secure enough in his environment that (s)he can show his emotions. Not closed down, which is much more indicative of a problem, I think. It's actually really an appropriate feeling (sadness) to have when you think about it, and being able to express it suggests a child who is secure and knows there is support there, who doesn't have to bottle it all in. Adults do poorly when they have to bottle emotions up inside them; kids really, really can't deal with that.

Now for what I hope is some good news: I've been reading a ton about single dad/co-parenting stuff lately, and all of the data seem to suggest that what kids really, really need in these sitches is one parent who's all in, doing things the right way. Being kind, loving, patient, not bad mouthing the other spouse (this is big, even if it is deserved), but not being a parent who spoils or a pushover, meting out discipline when needed in a calm, fair, consistent way, etc. If they get that, what the data are showing is that they have no greater chance of having a bad result than a child who grows up in a happy, two-spouse, one home environment. And this is even if the other spouse ends up being a disaster of a post-divorce parent.

So we can give that to them! It's entirely in our control. Kids ARE resilient, if their dad is resilient. Be that for them, and they will be ok. You can make this happen. It leaps off the page in everything you write. I really think it will quickly become a huge source of pride for you, justifiably, and it (owning and bossing post-divorce fatherhood) will be your anchor and jumping off point for new personal growth, experiences and adventures.

[Dawgs]

I've been reading a ton about single dad/co-parenting stuff lately, and all of the data seem to suggest that what kids really, really need in these sitches is one parent who's all in, doing things the right way. Being kind, loving, patient, not bad mouthing the other spouse (this is big, even if it is deserved), but not being a parent who spoils or a pushover, meting out discipline when needed in a calm, fair, consistent way, etc. If they get that, what the data are showing is that they have no greater chance of having a bad result than a child who grows up in a happy, two-spouse, one home environment. And this is even if the other spouse ends up being a disaster of a post-divorce parent

I've been struggling with this. I'm faced with an ex who's hell-bent on parental alienation, and her family who is doing their best to turn them against me. They are more than upset that their "precious little angel" didn't get custody and lost a lot more than that...and they are using whatever they can. What do your readings suggest that should be done in that situation?

[JRuss]

Jeep -- what she's doing is illegal in a lot of states. Talk to your lawyer. You may be entitled to a restraining order. That is really beyond the pale, if you ask me -- a cheater turned alienator. Not much redeemable there, at all. I feel for you, very much.

[JRuss]

But anyway, what I've read is that you just have to stay that stable, rock for them. Not bad mouth her back, but definitely set the record straight, with words, but mainly through actions and consistency. Alienation won't work if you have custody and are there for them. (It unfortunately can where you don't have access). But your kids are smart, their sophistication and knowledge of how things work will only continue to grow, and she really will bite her nose of to spite her face by doing this. She'll turn them against her, because they'll know -- because they witness the truth all the time -- that you're not what she says you are, and they'll rightly judge her poorly for slagging on their dad whom they know to be great, especially if you don't reciprocate it back at her.