I think that eventually we could all get to a point where the pain of losing our wives goes away (or at least becomes manageable) but the love for our kids never waivers. It only intensifies. Just yesterday my son asked me why I "always sleep downstairs now?"
You are correct, sir, in that the pain of losing the ex lessens - it never goes away. EVER. It's the children that make it terrible. My ex is convinced they will be fine...yet she doesn't see, or if she does she doesn't acknowledge it. I picked them up this weekend and she had brought them a sh*tton of stuff...typical lately.
Its so hard when the kids ask why. And its even harder when she tries to alienate them. Ugh. They are my everything.
THat knife pain you mentioned was so bad at BD? Magnified now. Much magnified.
Just being there for them and their rock. That's all there is now.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She got super upset and told me that next time she sees mommy she is going to be angry at her for taking our stuff. Part of me wanted to break down cause I know this is hard for her. However, I told her that it was wrong for her to be mad at mommy and that is not what I expect from her. I told her to continue to help mommy out as she does for me. She asks me how is it that I am not angry at mommy. I had to explain to her that I wasn't angry at mommy, but I was hurt and asked her if she knew the difference.
SAL27,
Is there something wrong with being angry with your wife? Given the circumstances, I think it's a valid emotion.
Is there something wrong with being angry with your wife? Given the circumstances, I think it's a valid emotion.
Well to be honest after I dropped off the girls to her last night I started calling her every name in the book. Not in front of the kids or her, but while I was driving home by myself. She just spent the weekend with the OM and I think that is why I had to let out some steam. But for the most part I truly don't want to live in anger towards her for the rest of my life. I want to let that **** go and move on. I also want to be a good role model for my 2 little girls. Someday they are going to start dating and I want them to know what to look for in a good man. My W doesn't deserve me anymore so she doesn't get to make me angry. Yes, there will be times when her actions **** me off, but I always take a little time to remind myself that I am better than this and there is no need to allow her to ruin my day.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Just being there for them and their rock. That's all there is now.
Inspiring words Jeep. Let's never lose sight of this!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
At this point, I would rather have had an empty life than to cause all this on my kids. Nothingness would have been better than all this pain.
FG, I get what you're saying about never meeting your W and the pain this brings to the kids. I've found myself wondering similar, but then I take a look at my D and realize how lucky I am to have her in my life.
You are so well equipped to be that rock for your kids. Moreso than myself and I also believe alot of the folks around here. I think as time progresses, your feelings around the above will change. You'll see how your actions and thoughts help stabilize things for the kids. You'll be good and I know that they will too. You're a hell of a father fighting a hell of a battle and you are excelling at it. Hang in there brother.
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
FG, I get what you're saying about never meeting your W and the pain this brings to the kids. I've found myself wondering similar, but then I take a look at my D and realize how lucky I am to have her in my life.
Very true! I have my girls tonight as my W goes out on another date and I wouldn't have it any other way. They mean the world to me and if anything was gained out of this broken R....it was those 2 beautiful girls.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
Just catching up, Gump. I understand where you're coming from with regards to not having the kids to avoid causing them pain. BUT, it's coming from a bad place. You're a good dad and would spare them any pain if you could. I get it.
You're kids are a gift to you and will always be the bright spot in your life. This might not be the life lesson you wanted to teach them, but it's now out of your control. Teach them about resiliency, how to pick up the pieces and move on with life. Teach them that bad things happen but your dad always has your back.
I come from a split home. My mother in her infinite wisdom thought it best to keep me away from my father. At 6 years old I had to learn how to sneak visits and phone calls to my own dad. But my dad was my everything. He was the rock I always knew was there. No matter what time it was or what he was doing, he'd run if I called. Be that for your kids
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
I have been following your sitch and have been very impressed with they way you handled yourself through the process. Why do you think our Ws are not worried about the 50% of time they will be losing with our kids over the next 10 plus years?
In my W's case, it's because she's a very impulse-driven person, and, related to that, she has difficulty understanding a hypothetical scenario. She lives one day at a time. So someone can tell her "50% for the next ten years," and it just doesn't register the same way that it does others. Her brain is much more soaking up the emotions she feels today, her frustrations with our marriage and her infatuation with her divorced future. She also doesn't shift slowly between plans. Once a plan is set in her mind, it's set -- until there is some acute catalyst that makes her flip-flop.
As for MLC-ers and WAW's and WW's in general, I think some of this applies. They are just so sick of the marriage and so enamored with the solution (the divorce) that they fail to see the problems with their idea. They are self-focused, and their brain just wants to stop feeling bad. Even if it means losing 50% of the access to their kids. Plus if they have pot-stirrers and echo-chamber friends (divorcees) around them saying, Don't worry, kids are resilient, that helps them forget.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Prepared our stipulated judgment document to submit to court. Felt a little like cake feeding, since, after all, she's the one that filed. But, per DB coach, I need to strike a balance between "not standing in your way" vs. total stonewalling. When I sent her the document for review, I did include a one-liner saying I prepared the doc out of my respect for her wish, but that I still believe this is a very bad decision. Did that really as a footnote, not with any hope she'd be affected by it. I don't think she will have any true second thoughts until she hits rock bottom, and we're far from that.
It's just starting to sink in ... that my finances will be totally nuked by the divorce. People talk about that, but I don't think you really see it until you get a skinny paycheck and have to pay your bills. I'm a little worried, but not overwhelmed, yet. Will have to rethink my spending habits.
Anyhow, I expect to be legally divorced by this time next week. I once wondered if I'd ever get married. Being divorced never even occurred to me.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
