She said she didn’t want to wake up and be 40 and have not had kids or travelled. That she had nothing to look forward to. She asked me if I had goals in life, things I wanted.
brizz,
I keep coming back to this in your introduction and you haven't really addressed it. W's been married 8 years, is 33 years old and not getting younger, feels her biological clock is ticking...and she confides in her H that she doesn't want to wake up and be 40 with no kids...and you struggle with words to express how you are feeling...and she immediately shuts down the conversation.
I'm not a mind reader, but I'm guessing from the way you describe things that you didn't have kids and weren't trying and didn't have any discussions/plans on the table to do so...that was a really, really big deal to her...and she got the sense it wasn't a big deal for you. So she is seeing her peers having babies and maybe getting pressure from her mom to produce some grandchildren and is doing the math in her head (and has been for the past few years) about how much time she has left in the fertility department and thinking--OMG, my H doesn't even talk about having kids...what have I gotten myself into...and how do I get myself out?
Kids was one of the unspoken "big issues". This was the first time she brought it up in any serious way. I hadn't brought it up either, fearful she'd reject the idea for some reason. Plus the lacking SL due to her LD.. I don't know, I wanted that to get addressed first. Not to have sex just for the sake of having a baby. Part of why I struggled to open up at that moment was I'd been seeing her text messages with her friend where all she did was talk badly about me, mock me, lie about me. It didn't really put me in a mood to have a serious, emotional conversation with her. While I was still debating opening up, she walked away and calmed down and we went about the day. In hindsight, I certainly wish I had spoken up even if it meant I'd be ridiculed to her friend about whatever I said. I also keep reminding myself that she was already having a deep EA with the OM at that time, already stalking his friends and family on FB, researching Al-Anon meetings to attend to support him, full-on obsessed. So I don't even really know if her finally talking about having kids was really coming from a genuine place or her just starting to look for ways to pull away. I did make my stance on it clear later on and how important it was to me during the BD talk but of course at that time she didn't care about what I had to say.
I know the timing wasn't good for her to raise the issue but that's not my main point. What about a year prior pre EA? The issue is it wasn't a priority for you. Why were you waiting for her to bring it up? Kids are a big deal and you said nothing...for years.
Re her seriousness: unless she was part of the small and vocal minority of men/women who explicitly do not want children (and she would have told you this probably before you got married), then she is part of the large majority who see it as part of their life's story.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Rough day today with another weekend alone in the house looming and Valentines Day next week. I checked our cell phone account that we're both still on and see W called a hotel today. Possibly making plans for a weekend visit with OM, possibly something totally unrelated somehow... this really [censored].
Can you stop snooping? You know bad stuff is happening. Did you read CT's thread today on what snooping does to you?
Make an awesome plan for yourself for 2/14.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
W forwarded me an email today where our auto insurance is about to renew. I texted her that we should consider cancelling it. She replied, "I can". This is the first communication we've had at all since 1/15. A few hours later she texted that she wants to come by the house tomorrow to get more of her stuff. Will be the first time we've seen each other in over a month. I'm very nervous. Will apply what I've read here -- be pleasant but not pushy, don't talk about the MR, validate, be positive and act as if life is going just fine without her. Anything else?
The locks have been changed so she wouldn't have a way to get in. Beyond that, the last day of her living in the house she took some documents and things she shouldn't have taken so I'd want to keep an eye on what she's taking somewhat. Plus I think it'd best I was around to see if she is wanting to talk.
W came to the house on Sunday to get more of her things. She asked if a stack of mail was her's and that was the extent of our talking for the 1.5 hours she was there. She took the dog outside to play with her for about 10 minutes, came back in, and left. I thought she was putting more stuff in her car but she had gone without saying a word.
I decided to change my strategy of no contact and waiting for her to come around. My W has always been a follower, not a leader. Just her nature. She's the type who probably was angry I didn't speak to her. Since I'm regretting not taking the lead on getting our relationship on the right track years ago instead of just waiting for her to change and building resentment when she didn't (as she was doing the same thing toward me), it occurred to me it doesn't make sense now to wait for her to act, either. I need to lead.
So yesterday I broke the rules and texted "Happy Valentines Day". I figured if she was still irrationally angry then I wouldn't get a response, like many of my texts in December and early January. I know if I was livid at her and I got that kind of message it would make me angry and I wouldn't respond. But she texted back "You too". I'm not reading too much into it but it seems a small positive.
My plan now is to text her tomorrow and say "Let's meet up tomorrow for dinner tomorrow". I'm not going to ask her, I'll phrase it as a statement just like that. I see it as a line in the sand situation to gauge where she's at in her head. If she agrees, I'll still apply all the advice I've read. Won't push R or discuss MR really. I'll apologize for my shortcomings in what made the MR vulnerable and go from there. If she doesn't agree, then at least I can say I tried and not have any regrets.
then at least I can say I tried and not have any regrets.
If you've done your best then you can't be faulted.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
She's the type who probably was angry I didn't speak to her.
This makes no rational sense. She is angry at you for not speaking to her?! It isnt like she started up a conversation either. In my opinion, its GOOD if shes angry. Thats much better than being indifferent. In my opinion, you should have just let her be angry.
Originally Posted By: brizz
If she doesn't agree, then at least I can say I tried and not have any regrets.
Why does following the DB plan not count as 'trying' in your book? In my opinion, being consistent is the best path. She didnt answer your texts for two months, and now, because she sent a text saying 'you too' you think she will want to go to dinner?
