The Clouds are Parting

[Gordie]

How do you feel when Harley Quinn calls you late at night...just to talk?

[Dawgs]

How do you feel when Harley Quinn calls you late at night...just to talk?

Hey Gordie! Thanks for stopping by!

Doesn't bother me at all. I like talking with her...we seem to have no problem doing those long talks that seem like minutes.

[Dawgs]

I would say this, Gordie, it seems a lot like the stage we were in when she was in Iraq. When she was deployed we never knew really when she'd get to call due to such things as blackouts, out the wire, etc...but when she did, we'd talk for a good while.

Now, this reminds me much of those times but maybe a little more advanced due to things. But, yeah, I enjoy talking with her.

[Dawgs]

Also, if Harley were closer it would be a whole different ball game...

[Dawgs]

So here is a question a friend posted to me: How can you completely get over someone (my ex, in this instance) when the death of the marriage was basically due to something out of her control, in a sense? I mean, yes, she does have control over her actions, but from years of "survival" from the abuse has taught her to behave in certain ways. Those that are good spouses whose SO's leave under these circumstances are really going to forever have that hanging over their head.

Do, DB people, is there a way to totally rid oneself of that monkey?

[doodler]

Those that are good spouses whose SO's leave under these circumstances are really going to forever have that hanging over their head.

Jeep,

I allowed my wife a lot of leeway because of the abuse she suffered as a child. She could be very harsh and demanding, among other things. I was very willing to live with her idiosyncrasies, but ultimately she's responsible for her behavior. I can honestly say that I did the best that I could as a husband and I don't think there are many men who could've been a better husband to her. It's very sad that our marriage ended, but I'm responsible for our sons and my own life and I'm not going to let the unfortunate outcome of our marriage hold me back from fully enjoying life.

[Dawgs]

Doodler,

Very well said, sir.

It's very sad that our marriage ended, but I'm responsible for our sons and my own life and I'm not going to let the unfortunate outcome of our marriage hold me back from fully enjoying life.

I like this. I may modify it for my tag line.

[Dawgs]

I allowed my wife a lot of leeway because of the abuse she suffered as a child. She could be very harsh and demanding, among other things.

Allow me to add this - had I had known any of it, or even had an inkling, I'd also have given her the leeway she needed. But, in my instance, I knew nothing until after divorce was mentioned. Nothing. Looking back, I see her tendencies for what they really were. But, still, things would have been different now.

Like you said, she's an adult and therefore responsible for her actions, however much she is given her narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies. I've done a good bit of reading (the MC/IC supplied me with a ton of material on people who suffer from those disorders) and I must say that it was very, very enlightening. Helped me understand some of the things I didn't...now, it didn't answer all of the questions, but a few. Some will never get answered, of course.

I've posted that some of us left-behinds may always suffer from not having the proper closure. We may not ever totally find the reason. In my case, I have a better understanding of why she left and did the things she did, but that doesn't make it any better. I may not fully ever be able to evict her ghost. One thing is that deep down I know that had I known how things affected her, I'd have acted/reacted differently. Maybe that's the sword of Damocles that will always be there...always hanging over our heads.

Not to say that I can't move on - or have already - and enjoy a new life. I'm just saying that will always stick. And I don't know how to unstick it.

[doodler]

Jeep,

Even if you'd known about the abuse, you may not have been able to change the outcome. The problem is that the abused person has to want to address their issues and get better. My wife would take some steps toward addressing her issues, but then she'd back-off and allow her inner demons to control her. She absolutely hated therapy; she had an irrational fear of being institutionalized. She'd doing everything she could to keep the memories repressed. Ultimately she met someone that had a similar background, and Bob's your uncle...

[Dawgs]

Jeep,

Even if you'd known about the abuse, you may not have been able to change the outcome. The problem is that the abused person has to want to address their issues and get better. My wife would take some steps toward addressing her issues, but then she'd back-off and allow her inner demons to control her. She absolutely hated therapy; she had an irrational fear of being institutionalized. She'd doing everything she could to keep the memories repressed. Ultimately she met someone that had a similar background, and Bob's your uncle...

Doodler,

You're right. The IC even said as much - that it really didn't matter what I could have done as the outcome would have been the same. Maybe that's why all her ex's - and the OM - fit a particular pattern that I didn't.

Mine didn't mind therapy. The IC said that she could easily fool them. Heck, the ex said that eventually all of her therapists would say I've gone as far as I can...which suggests that she doesn't really want to address things. I feel that she has gone to so many therapists over the years because the military made her.