Maybe She Isn't Evil

[Dawgs]

My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?

She's laying the blame of the PA on your feet. Typical. Mine did the same thing.

[Dawgs]

I had to become her friend so she would like me again before she would ever allow herself to fall in love with me again.

There is a very, very fine line. Some want to be become "friends" to make it easy on us...sort of ease their guilt. They feel that by doing this that we are OK with things. Be careful.

[Gordie]

My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?

She's laying the blame of the PA on your feet. Typical. Mine did the same thing.

Me too! W says...I am in love with POM...and it's all your fault! Ugh.

[RDS]

My W actually told me how hurt she was that it took something like a PA to finally wake me up to her unhappiness and make a change. I thought that was BS cause no matter what it takes 2 to make a marriage work and she could have come to me before actually having a PA with someone else. Yes, I have seen my faults after all this, but what about hers?

I think the next time I talk to my W I'm going to ask her if she feels any resentment towards me because it took her leaving me before I opened my eyes. I keep going through my head if we would have just talked like we've been doing the last few months then all this could have been avoided. I wish she would have broke down emotionally before she left me to force me to see how bad I had become...

As it was she only broke down in front of me after she left and by then it was too late.

Can't keep blaming yourself forever. At least you realize now so you can only learn from your sitch even if it doesn't turn out the way you want. Keep the conversations pleasant and off anything that would make her upset. Be a friend to her and keep making her feel comfortable talking to you again.

Thanks, I'm going to try.

[Dawgs]

I think the next time I talk to my W I'm going to ask her if she feels any resentment towards me because it took her leaving me before I opened my eyes. I keep going through my head if we would have just talked like we've been doing the last few months then all this could have been avoided. I wish she would have broke down emotionally before she left me to force me to see how bad I had become

Why ask her that? The answer you will get is "yes" because that's where she is at, regardless if it is true or not. They will spin the truth so much to where they believe it as gospel. That is a path you do not want to go down.

[RDS]

There is a very, very fine line. Some want to be become "friends" to make it easy on us...sort of ease their guilt. They feel that by doing this that we are OK with things. Be careful.

Yeah, I know it's a fine line. Sometimes I wish I could just put her out of my life forever but she truly is a kind and caring person and even though I still love her, I still like her as well. Neither of us ever had an EA or PA (I came close once but W found out about it and nipped it in the bud before anything more happened) so there isn't that noose around our necks.

When I have to move to another state in a coupe of months the real test of our "friendship" will begin.

[RDS]

Why ask her that? The answer you will get is "yes" because that's where she is at, regardless if it is true or not. They will spin the truth so much to where they believe it as gospel. That is a path you do not want to go down.

Because I know my W will not sugar-coat it. I know she will tell me the truth. If she holds no resentment she will tell me. Even if she says yes and it's not the truth it won't bother me. But it will make her think.

[RDS]

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly two months since I’ve posted in my own thread. I visit this site nearly every day and I occasionally post but I feel as if I cannot add any helpful advice. My sitch is different than most here and in a lot of ways it’s the same, sadly. I do lean from others on this site. It is why I visit frequently. This post, like most I’ve done is just a bit of journaling.

I just passed my 11 month BD date. In less than a month we can divorce. I don’t plan on filing and I don’t know if/when my W is. We don’t talk about it. I’m too scared to bring it up. I really don’t think we will ever get back together but I still hold out hope so I’m not the one who is going to file. Maybe it’s a small moral victory but I want to look myself in the eye and tell myself I was not the one who put the nail in the M. Later this month we are scheduled to have the final spousal support mediation. I told my L I agree to continue paying the amount I was ordered to last August. I don’t know if my W will accept this and avoid the cost of mediation or try to go after more. This is the same amount that I thought was very unfair to me (as most people do). I still think it’s unfair but I’ve budgeted my money well and I did get a better paying job so I will be okay. One of the things about being married for so long in this state is how antiquated the laws for spousal support is. I will have to pay her money for the rest of my life and when I retire I will have to go to court to get the payments reduced. Since I’ve lost half of everything and I’m in my mid-50’s I won’t have as much time to build up my nest egg as I had before. I try not to dwell on it because when I do I get angry about it all.

The last 11 months have been a gradual awakening for me. If three years ago I was the man I am now my M would still be as strong as it ever was. My W loved me dearly and I blew it with my resentment towards her. I’m a much more mellow person and I can see the W I married. It’s probably too late but I feel good about where I’ve come. I am sure if I do get divorced I will be able to move forward; especially since I will be moving 600 miles away. It will still hurt when I think of a marriage that was once so strong and certain to last our lifetime. I loved telling people I was married and I loved telling people how great a W she was. Even in the darkest hours I still told people how great she was.

As I mentioned earlier, I took another job and I could work from my apartment when I wasn’t traveling, but my company preferred me being local. So, this past week I traveled to FL and found an apartment. I move the first week of June. I finally told my W of the move yesterday. Her reaction was nonchalant. I expected that. I think she is more worried about her income more than me being local. I know I’m not supposed to be a mind reader but her reaction was so bland and to me, uncaring. I guess it was the preferred response because if she got all upset then I might have doubted my decision. I had all responses and answers covered for what ever reaction I got.

We still talk but not nearly as much as we used to. Each month since December we’ve talked less than the month before. I haven’t seen her since 1 Jan when she made me a New Year’s Day good luck dinner. She still comes by my apartment complex and checks my mail every couple of days when I’m traveling and she still puts food treats in my truck for a nice surprise when I get back. I even joked if she would mind doing the 1,200-mile round trip to check my mail when I was traveling. She got a kick out of that and she had a good laugh. She has even surprised me by bringing me some of my favorite food dishes early in the morning. I have a truck with a combination lock on it so she will put the food in the truck and call me later in the day to for me to check in the truck. I’m always touched and thankful for her thoughtfulness. I’ve asked her before why she does it and she always just says she is trying to be nice. It’s not something she just started doing. She has done stuff like this even when we were dating. It was one of the things that endeared me to her. I know I’m in the friend zone. It’s not the best but it is better than being in a zone where we are angry and hateful towards each other.

[RDS]

Tomorrow will by the one-year “anniversary” of the BD.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. The date means a lot for obvious reasons, but in this State it means more because we can legally be divorced now. For many months I was petrified of this date but now I’m accepting of the possibilities. The first 6 months crept along slowly as I operated in a fog, but the last 6 months have whizzed by. It’s amazing the difference in the perception of time.

Last year my W and I were in the depths of a very unhappy M, but even in my darkest hour I never thought my W would leave me after nearly 33 years of being together. I was just like every other LBS and in many ways, I was worse because I knew the M was in deep trouble but still surprised when I came home and discovered she left. It was my ego of knowing my W loved me with all my heart that kept me from believing she would do something so drastic.

She showed me.

Last year on this date my daughter had just received her Master’s degree and for a few hours I didn’t think of the misery of my M. My wife had stayed home because she was worried about her(our) dog. At least that is what I as led to believe when in actuality she used the few days I was in Texas to move out of our house. My D and I shopped for Mother’s day gifts and I didn’t have the heart to get anything. I didn’t care anymore. My D wasn’t able to give my W her gift for a few months after that and even now My D says it’s going to be a long time before she gets a Mother's Day gift from her.

I’m in a much better place now than I was then and that’s putting it mildly. Up until a few months ago, my sadness/normal mode was something like 70 percent sad and 30 percent “okay” (with a few sprinkles of happiness). Now, the ratio is probably 80 percent “okay” and 20 percent sad. I still have moments of happy sprinkled in. I still get sad and unfortunately, it almost gets crippling with the depression it brings. Knowing my D loves me as only a D can love her dad and me loving her, even more, keeps things in perspective no matter how deep in pain I get. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my D, even if she lives 5 states over.

My W and I still communicated and it’s still friendly. We just don’t talk nearly as much or as often. Every month since December the amount of calls and the duration has decreased. Hell, I went almost 4 months without seeing her and the only reason I got to see her is my D flew in from TX to see me and her friends. She grudgingly saw her mother because it was the “right” thing to do. My W brought her(our) dog over for my D to see for a couple of days and the following weekend I watched her(our) dog. Now that’s done I don’t see me seeing my W for a long time. I am moving out of state in a month and I expect to see her then but after that, it may be months or even years.

My W has moved on. On that, there is no denying. I think I’ve done a pretty good job detaching as I rarely think of her or what she is doing. I get sad because like most here I grieve from what was lost and of a future that won’t happen, but actually thinking about her and missing her; I don’t.

I know she has moved on because when I finally told her I was moving to another state she treated the news as blasé as you could and only mentioned it in passing once since I told her. Her(our) dog was very sick and needed to be put down and it was angering me my W would not do it. When I watched the dog last weekend it was all I could not to take the dog to the vet and have it done myself. I couldn’t do that because I knew my W would be crushed if I did that and she wasn’t there to be with the dog. I’ve since learned she has put the dog down a couple of days ago. She didn’t bother telling me. It didn’t matter the dog was part of our lives for 12 years (the dog was 15). My W had the dog euthanized without letting me know.

It is what it is.

More to write later. At least we don’t have to go to mediation. We were able to work that out between us saving us money on L fees.

[Tryin2figuritout]

RDS,

Happy Anniversary??? You sound good in your post and I hope that's the case. Best of luck getting through tomorrow.

All the best.