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Just stopping to say Hi,

So happy that you are doing great. I am much more patient too and have more empathy too. You are on the right track, having fun and not focusing only on him.
For the remorse, don't be to impatient, it takes time (a few months), and it might not be through words but more through actions at first. I went through that phase also where I was waiting for him to express his remorse almost every day, I almost asked him the question but decided against it. Then I had my phase with resentment, big waves... now I am in a good place (not perfect but comfortable), and since I am not after him anymore or trying to push him to express his remorse, he is doing things around the house he never did before... He changed so much (for the better). From what I read, it takes about one to two years for them to express true remorse if they do.
Have a nice week and Carpe Diem.


Me 52+ WH 57+
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Originally Posted By: PsySara

2016,
Are you forcing yourself out of your house? Engaging with friends and DBing your relationships with folks you aren't married to? This was the key to my detaching, I filled up my time with those who love me and KNOW it. Don't give up, it's not over until it over. Go to BluWave's thread and take a leaf from her book. Her WH left her for the OW and lived with her for about a year I believe. He came back but inly after Blu finally and truly moved on.


Hi PsySara!

Thanks for taking the time out to address issues in my sitch. I have been GAL-ing, or at least mimicking GAL-ing. I've been going out and forcing myself to do things even when I don't want to. I've started dressing better and have become more disciplined with make up - I look better and I know it. I can't look like the person he fell for because my hair is so short now - won't grow back after the chemo properly, and OW has long luscious hair like I had when we were dating, but hey ho.

I do read Bluwave's thread repeatedly as well, but I realise I can only control my end of things and I think both yours and Blu's WHs were more motivated to make things work in the long run. My WH is being v cold and is refusing to entertain R for any reason, even our 3 year old son. It's 9 months since he's shacked up with OW and I keep hoping that familiarity breeds contempt but it seems they are getting stronger all the time : (

SkyHigh - I've been looking for your thread but I can't find it - could you send it to me? I am so intrigued by your sitch - I would love to know how the last OW left - what happened?


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I don't have a thread, may be one day.

I did a targeted exposure, it created a mess in their relationship and exposed the lies they were telling each other. I decided that enough was enough. Also I was fully ready to file for divorce when I did it, but I never used any foul language or spew. It made him realize in which mess he was and how ready I was to move on and fight for myself and my kids rights. It shook his fantasy land.

I think a lot of LBS are too scared of losing their WH or WW and keep playing nice without really detaching or installing boundaries. It just reinforces the WH/WW bad behavior. But that's only my personal opinion.


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Quote:
think a lot of LBS are too scared of losing their WH or WW and keep playing nice without really detaching or installing boundaries. It just reinforces the WH/WW bad behavior. But that's only my personal opinion.


Spot on. For some reason, many LBS's believe that if they don't rock the boat, then their spouse will somehow magically see the error of their ways and come back.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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I've tried to do an exposure of sorts - when WH scarpered off to OW4, I immediately messaged her telling her all the lies he had told her, i.e. we had never started the divorce process (he told her we had started it months ago and I was agreeable to it), that I was fighting for our marriage and asked her to leave us alone (he led her to believe I didn't care about him), and that she was number 4. She didn't believe anything I said. He said I was the liar and she chose to believe him.

I've confronted OWs2&3, sort of - not face to face but sent them emails saying I knew about them and could you mind your own business please. In a way I came to regret this later because it was only through my interventions that WH's messing about stopped - never because he actively chose it. They either left him or I scared them off. And he's just motored on and found another one, and I've realised it's stopped him from addressing whatever issues that's motivating him to do this.

Skyhigh - it sounds like your WH was shocked into sense. I don't think it will work with my WH, I think it would just harden his resolve to d!ck about.

I am tempted to expose to OW's parents as PsySara did, but have decided against it in the end. As satisfying as it will be for all of ten mins, I think the best case scenario from this is that OW dumps him. He might come back simply because he's got nowhere to go and then run off again when he finds another OW.

And besides, I'm in it for the long game now - I want revenge. And revenge is going to be him looking at his ugly OW (she is SO horse faced it's unbelievable, someone give the woman a carrot) in a couple of years' time, looking over to me, mother of his child, all beatific and serene and happy, and thinking, when she nags him about the bum around the house that he is, I gave that up for this?

Bring it karma, oh please, please, bring it.


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2016, exposure is not to tell the OW that you know, because they won't listen to you and they won't believe you anyway but to expose her or him to others. Speaking to the OW doesn't work. I exposed OW to her parents and siblings, pastors and the president of the board where she was a member (she was kicked out), I exposed him to some of his friends, I shook their "reputation", bye bye secrets... it created consequences to them, they had to face how others where seeing them, it forced them out of their fantasy land. That's exposure. I created a crack who forced them to take a look at themselves.


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Originally Posted By: skyhigh
It created consequences to them, they had to face how others were seeing them, it forced them out of their fantasy land. That's exposure. I created a crack who forced them to take a look at themselves.

Ahh I get what you mean now.

I did do something like that - in December I wrote to all the close family and friends I knew. Response was patchy. Some wrote back supportive, one family friend (of MiL's) sent a particularly vitriolic letter accusing me of having no class and washing dirty linen in public and didn't I know that he wouldn't have cheated if I hadn't made him unhappy... I binned that letter immediately. It was hurtful but I've rationalised that it came from someone who has had affairs herself and left her own husband.

In all cases, they have all cut me off. For them it's time to choose sides and while some have said they sympathise with my situation, all of chosen WH's family. Not WH per se because he doesn't bother with them, but WH's mother. She is the family matriarch and is at the centre of all relationships. There's no way anyone would express loyalty to me over her. MiL has made it very clear that golden boy WH was driven to his actions.

Both MiL and FiL have had affairs. I have referenced FiL's affair to MiL, asking for her understanding in how I feel. She totally clammed up and refused to engage.

I think the difference is the society in UK. There is more reticence here about talking about personal stuff, but more importantly, generally this is quite a godless society. My WH and his lot are hardcore atheists. It's seen as regressive to have faith. In this society, what WH and OW are doing is uncomfortable, but largely acceptable to them. Even if people disagreed with what they're doing, it's a big no-no in the UK to bring up their behaviour to them. It's this mentality that makes me desperate to leave. I feel like I'm living in Gomorrah.

I have faith and it's getting me through this, but also it's alienating WH from me even more because he sees it as me going even more crazy than he's painted me out to be.


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Skyhigh,
I think the true battle is wrestling with my resentment when the time is quiet and I fond my mind wandering. I have to remind myself of the end goal, a strong and functional marriage. I am seeing ACTIONS from WH that show he has plugged into this marriage. He gazes at me a lot, touches me gently, verbalizes his appreciation for my kindness and softness towards him. He not only does stuff around the house for me but also is pre-emptive now which utterly unlike our past interactions before BD. But something inside me wiggles uncomfortably, like a canker sore that you keep touching with your tongue. I know rationally if I stop bothering it, it would heal, but I drift back to touching on something painful. Why do I do this? I keep fantasizing about him coming to me and telling me how I am the love of his life, that OW couldn't hold a candle to me, and not the least but how sorry sorry sorry he is. Michelle said so herself in one of her videos, "You (WS) can't say sorry enough." But historically when I've approached this it went down in a flaming heap. So I just...poke...poke...poke.

2016,
There are very opposing POV with regards to exposure. Part of me feels if I had exposed OW to her parents sooner then the relationship would not have rekindled later. Ironically when I exposed OW to her parents, went dark my WH came crawling back and promised we could try again. Three days later he and OW were sleeping together again. I was unaware and thought WH was just going through withdrawals and that's why he was so cut off and cold towards me. He actually told OW not to worry about me because he thought our R was over. I sometimes still fantasize about writing her parents another letter letting them know their daughter slept with a married man after she promised them and me she would never go near my H again. Why? Sheer rage and a desire to make her feel some of the heartache I still feel. But it would likely just cause my WH to pull back and lack trust in me again, I have a bit of an anger issue. I know with certainty I should not have exposed my WH to his parents, that was a horrible mistake. He now has next to no relationship with his parents (because his mother always screams at him..not about the affair but because she wants more money from him) and they blame me for WH being so distant.

So things continue to go smoothly with WH. He is gentle and polite, kind and playful with me. But I have this wall that I can't cross over, one that I put in place. I am hoping that WH is not rug sweeping. I have made myself appealing and definitely somebody he doesn't want to lose. But I grow sad lately, thinking how I probably won't ever think I am the love of his life. If so, he would not have cheated on me. I want to cry when the thoughts intrude about him proposing to her, of having sex with her, of planning a future together. It's like there is this little devil on my shoulder whispering how many ways WH hurt me. While he's not hurting me now it like's there is some infected wound needing purging. I would really like some vets here to weigh in on this; when is it right to lay out to your spouse what is necessary to recover from infidelity? Will it be possible given WH is the King of Avoiding conflict?


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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One word: Patience, don't destroy what took you so much effort and patience to reach, remember you are in for a marathon not a sprint. They are still very touchy for several months, but you will notice in 2 or 3 months that things will start to normalize and you will be able to talk about your triggers with him.

Resentment somehow will fade away in a few weeks, don't try to engage him in any talks right now about remorse or OW, he is probably not ready for that at all, so it's a big No No, don't poke him on it or he might go backward. I totally get how anger and resentment alternate in your mind.


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Originally Posted By: PsySara
It's like there is this little devil on my shoulder whispering how many ways WH hurt me.

Those in the Christian marriage restoration business would say that you've hit the nail on the head - there is, literally, an evil spirit urging you to take actions that would undo all the good work you've done so far, urging you to destroy your marriage by your own hands.

I've gone back to the Bible for guidance on how to walk this path, and described in there is that the real battles we fight are spiritual. To borrow this framework, your enemy is not your husband, but the spirits who wish to see the demise of your marriage and the breaking of your home. These spirits are the voice of doubt, the nagging questions.

If you are to remain outcome focussed, you know entertaining these doubts are useless, and will be counter productive. It's like trying to lose weight and thinking of donuts all the time.

So what if your husband made promises to this silly OW? You don't know on what basis he made them. Did he make them because it got her into bed more quickly? I wouldn't think on it further if you can help it - you know what he said but not why he said it, and in my mind that's more important. For all you know in that incarnation with OW he was no better than a used car salesman - anything to close the deal.

There are similarities between us, apart from the yawning gap in outcomes. My WH is also a King of Conflict Avoidance. And I too have a problem with anger - I am too comfortable with it, I find it protective because it stops me from feeling pain and so unthinkingly for many years I went straight into anger, fury even, to avoid the real issues. So I know how incredibly hard it must have been to come this far, and you have come so so SO far. Don't let the voice of doubt jeopardise this. Put it aside and decide to come to it in 6 month's time at least. If it's still there, then analyse why and take it from there. In the meantime, enjoy what you've worked so hard for. What you've described of WH's behaviour - I would kill for that.


Divorced and letting go.
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