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Pink.....thank you for taking time to "speak" to me. I know that you truly care about me and my overall well being, it shows in your responses.

Not much is going on lately, just work. Today I have gotten some "chores" done around the house which needed to be done....not fun, but had to get finished.

I've been reading some of the previous posts from the vets and they keep saying the same thing......
-focus on me
-take care of the person that matters most..me
-stop beating myself up
-be kind to myself
Not really sure why all of this is so difficult? But, I do know that it is becoming easier to do some of those things.

I've had some sad moments this weekend, which isn't unusual for me. One thing I've been thinking about is H is attending something called Landmark Forum this weekend. It is an intensive 3 day workshop on how to communicate better, and learn how to relate better to those around you. It is supposed to force the participant to reflect on and examine his or her life in an effort to make positive changes.

I mentioned this to my IC, who had previously done the forum, and he mentioned that one part asks the participants to make a phone call to someone to redefine what’s possible in a relationship where they are struggling. He said I should "expect" a phone call from H.

Well...the 3 days of the forum are almost over and I never received this phone call. Now, I know I am not supposed to have any expectations of my H, but I guess I did. Honestly I did expect a phone call from him. So the fact that I did not get one is upsetting. I was really hoping this would be the start of some kind of communication between us frown

What this says to me is that I STILL have A LOT of work to do. Clearly I have not detached or let go, and that my life is still being controlled by his choices and decisions.

Where is my friend SkyHigh? Hope you are doing good and that your piecing continues to go well smile

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Hard not to expect that phone call...I think we all would...don't beat yourself up too much...why did your H go?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Hey Gordie....

To be honest I don't really know why he chose to go. I can only hope it was to make himself a better person. I only found out that he was going because a receipt was left in his vehicle and I saw it the last time I saw him in November.

I really hope there are some lasting effects from everything he learned.

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Hard to not expect or want something--understandable-you were together a. long time

hard to keep all expectations at zero

Ive heard of that program and it is supposed to be very good

Hopefully it can help him and you never know what can happen
MLC takes time so it may be a while
yes the focus has to be on you
taking care of you
creating a life
grieving/crying /talking/healing
take your time
be gentle
you deserve that
time will definitely heal you and maybe you will see a shift in him eventually


married 14 years
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bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
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skm0619 Offline OP
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So......I'm sitting in my car at Walgreens aabout to drive off and the phone rings and it's my H. I almost did not answer it. He has not initiated any kind of communication since....well, I can't really remember when he has???

Now is this the phone call I was hoping for after his intense weekend, or is this coincidence? I did text him earlier to let him know that the car insurance premium would be changing because I bought a new car today smile. A little gift to myself wink

I tried to act like "oh, hey what's up" when I started talking....I'm sure it was obvious I was doing that. He acknowledged my text, which he hasn't done in a very long time. He asked if I was at work, and of course I wasn't. He said he wanted to talk to me and wondered if I had time. I told him I was about to take the dogs out, but when ever I got to a place where I was free I would let him know. He said he was driving home so when I got a chance to let him know.

I got home and started learning about all the new and cool things on my car. Trying to occupy my mind. The more I started to think about him calling the more worked up I got. I was angry because I have been trying to speak to this man for months and NOTHING. No acknowledgement of texts or phone calls, he usually didnt even answer his phone if I called. And now that I have made no effort to communicate with him he is wanting to talk, and I am supposed to drop everything?

I ended up texting him later and telling him I was still out with the dogs and asked if we could speak another time? He responded by saying......

"Yes that's cool. I would like to talk soon though smile Let me know when you can talk. Hope you all enjoy the walk, and that the dogs are doing good. Then he said "congratulations on your new wheels."

So of course my head is spinning. Why is he calling? What does he want? Is he only calling cause of that weekend retreat he did? Is he calling to tell me he has filed for D? Is he calling to tell me he has a girlfriend?

The other thing that crossed my mind was this retreat thing has a graduation on Tuesday night, and the ones who participated are encouraged to call people to get them to go to a seminar about the program so they can sign up. Is that why he is calling?

I am working the next 2 days and I am already having a hard enough time concentrating as it is, the last thing I need is to speak to him about some retreat.

What is a girl to do??? I am open to suggestions.

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Okay, first thing...stop the mind reading and over analyzing the call. Maybe he just wants to tell you about the seminar...but you won't know what the conversation is about until you talk to him. So, let him now when you have time to sit down and listen to what he has to say.

Keep your focus on you and, of course, your new car.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Stop the mind reading, the best way to know what he wants is to talk to him.

So text him to set up a date where you are available (keep it simple), make sure you are not too exhausted at that time. Keep your expectations very low or better to none.

Get ready mentally, reread the thread on Detachment, and whatever he is going to say, keep your calm (talk to yourself mentally), don't spew, don't using any offensive words at all, keep control of yourself, don't ask him any personal questions, let him doing the talking, don't try to advance or talk about issues that's not the time for it and anyway he won't answer you most probably and will get upset.

Basically, let him talk and just listen while trying to control your mind and validate, validate doesn't mean you agree it means that you show some kind of empathy, it will help him to keep talking.

By doing that it doesn't mean you are acting as a doormat, not at all, it means you are trying to keep that door open for other future conversations.

Even if he says something offensive, stay calm, MLCers like to push our buttons a lot, so don't play any of his games if he tries any of them. Keep in mind what used to set you up and don't fall for it this time.

That's the time to show him that you changed, that's you are not the overreactive person you used to be and also somehow you are detached now, that's you are moving with your life, congratulations for the new car. You want him to become the pursuer if that's want you would like.

Dealing with a MLCer is like a game, you need to have a strategy.

Believe in yourself, show him what he is missing. Good luck!

Last edited by job; 02/28/17 04:09 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

Me 52+ WH 57+
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Thank you all for the responses....

So as suspected I have not heard back from H. I had to work yesterday and it was very busy at the hospital. I did send him a text apologizing to him for getting back so late, and that work was really busy. Never heard from him.

I am not going to reach out to him. If he wants to speak to me then he will try to get a hold of me.

What this tells me is that the only reason he wanted to speak to me was because he was trying to recruit me to go to the graduation and sign up for the forum. I'm not interested in doing that.

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Something else I forgot to mention was while I was at work yesterday I was looking out the window at the parking lot where I park and I saw my husband drive by. Now, there is absolutely no reason for him to come to the hospital. And he doesn't live anywhere near the hospital.

I found it odd that he did that. Not going to try and mind read but is he seeing if I am at work? Is he trying to see if I did in fact by a new car so now he knows what I am driving (I park in the same spot every time I am at work).

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Most probably checking on you.
Since you are not in "such in a hurry" to contact him, he might start to be curious about your new life. That's a hypothesis.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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