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skm0619 Offline OP
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Job and Skyhigh......thank you for responding.

I know that ultimately it is up to me when I am ready to give up on this. I know that everyone just wants me to be happy and not in pain anymore. I think they feel that if I just get the D then my pain will be gone.....but it wont. I agree that he doesn't deserve me and that is also one thing that keeps coming into my head about filing or not.

I filed in the past and to be honest I did that to try to scare him and for him to see what he was going to be missing out on. He didn't sign papers for me to follow through with it so I had it dismissed. I have since told him that if he wants a D then he can file for it.

I do think about if he is using me for monetary purposes, and for keeping his credit in good standing by continuing to pay the mortgage. I really hate to think that he has turned into that heartless of a man and would do something like that. But this is the same man that I was married to for 10 years who cheated on me and then turned his back on me and abandoned our marriage, and has not seen me since November and has not spoken to me since the first of January.

I wanted to send him a text to see if he could help me with the dogs as I am working the next 5 out of 6 days (12 hour shifts). I also wanted to apologize for the last text I sent him. Any thoughts on that anyone?

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SBJ Offline
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skm...I don't have any advice on the call for assistance or the apology. My situation is a bit different than yours. Only you know how the conversation will go, but I know that I regret the communication issues that my W and I have had over the last many years. I have resigned myself to saying what I feel I have to just so I will never hold anything back.

As for help with your dogs...they belonged to both of you, so he should want to help out, but he left them also. I would try and find a plan B for them.

Be your own Valentine today and remember how awesome you are. Happy Valentine!!!


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Previous Thread:

WAS vs MLC...not sure it really makes a difference

In the future, you will need to come up w/a new subject title or put, Part I, II, etc. on the end of your subject line. Keeping your subject the same on all your threads will become confusing not only for us, but for you as well.

Here is the link to the thread on how to link threads (again). If you can copy and paste, then linking will be easy for you. I will be more than happy to walk you thru it next time.

How to Link Threads

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May be you can just send him a message as if nothing happened and ask him for his help. Make sure you don't put any emotions in it. Keep it very professional, imagine writing a report for your supervisor or you can apologize but without putting any pressure on him.

Option 1: no apology
I am scheduled to work for the next 5 days on a 12 hour shift, if will be beneficial for the well being of the dogs to have someone coming, please let me know if you are available to help in this matter. Just as a reminder, the little dog had surgery and need to stretch his legs on a regular basis to improve his mobility.

Option 2: with apology
I apologize for my last message, I have been quite overwhelmed lately with work and a few other issues, I realized it might have been offensive for you. Do you think you might be able to help me with the dogs, I am scheduled to work the next 5 days on a 12 hour shift, I know it's a short notice, but any help is really welcome, the little dog really need to stretch his legs on a regular basis to improve his mobility, please let me know if you might be available.

Those are what is coming to my mind right now, if somebody has other suggestions please don't hesitate.

MLC can transform them into real monsters. My husband also was totally heartless, the kids kept asking me why I married him for almost 3 years. My answer "He was not like that, he was totally different".

One day at a time, with a glass of wine... and a few friends
You will survive and thrive, I know it doesn't seem like it right now but trust me you will.

Life must go on, something my mom taught me very early on. So even if you wait for him, keep living your life, you still can be happy even without him.

Good luck for this week, that's a tough schedule.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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skm0619 Offline OP
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SBJ.....thanks for the Valentine's Day wishes. I was at work so my mind was occupied smile Hope your day was okay. I know we are doing the best we can do, and that is all we can ask of ourselves. Hang in there my friend.

Skyhigh.....I sent him a message and said I wanted to apologize if my last message was rude or disrespectful, I am sorry. I then said I really want him to be able to see the dogs, and since they were such a huge part of his life and I know he missed them and that they missed him as well. I did not ask him to help with the dogs. I will figure it out. He has to do some of the work too if he wants to see them. That was on Monday and no response from him.

I can not control him, I can only control me.

This is so exhausting!!!

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You'e still hinging all of your responses on his "potential" reactions. Just do and act the way you WANT to. Make them genuine.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Mr Bond.....thanks for the reply.

You are right in what you say. I just know who I am (and it sounds like you might also) when it comes to communicating with my H. I allow myself to get worked up and show anger and emotions I shouldn't. We have basically zero communication, so when it does occur I honestly do not know how to respond to him.

It's hard not to have expectations. I have expectations of myself as a feeling, thinking, thoughtful human being and I would like to think he does too, but at this point in his life maybe he doesn't?

This really does wear a person out frown

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SBJ Offline
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Originally Posted By: skm0619

It's hard not to have expectations. I have expectations of myself as a feeling, thinking, thoughtful human being and I would like to think he does too, but at this point in his life maybe he doesn't?

This really does wear a person out frown


That is something that I think we are all dealing with...the one person that we have known for so long is a totally different person right now. The expectations that we once had of them no longer apply. My W has always been the least selfish, most giving person I know, but has morphed into this totally selfish, self-absorbed person.

And you are right...this is exhausting. Maybe that is why the DB thing makes sense. We should pull our focus away from them and truly focus on helping, healing, and growing for ourselves. Then, no matter what happens with our spouses journey, we will be better people in the end.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Dec 2016
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Exhausting for sure, you never know what to say, what to do, what to expect from them.
Walking on eggshells takes a toll on us. It's exhausting because somehow our life becomes controlled by their reactions and our fear of them, we cannot be ourselves anymore.

It's not easy to subtract ourselves from their "influence", they are masters at making us believe (gaslighting ) if they behave that way it's because we "forced" them to act like that. Also that behavior lowers/destroys our common sense because our affect is so deeply entangled, we cannot see clearly anymore, and we start to react instead of acting upon the situations we are facing. That's where DB is helping us to remove ourselves from their influence and make choices based upon what's best for us.

DB is probably one of the most difficult task to put in place, at the beginning you have to fake it and little by little it becomes integrated with the way you interact with them.
Did you notice that they are always trying to start something by their comments, actions or conversations, they want to hurt us, they want to get into an argument so again they can justify their choices.

Skm, it's good you have expectations for yourself and you should, but don't expect him to reciprocate yours, they are the epitome of selfishness during their MLC and they firmly believe they are right to do so. They don't care for anybody, even if it seems they care for OW, most of the time, it's more for what she can bring to him to fulfill some needs.

So please don't have any expectations.
When you interact with him, treat him just as a neighbor, the more anger or frustrations you will show him, the less he will be willing to interact with you. I know it's totally unfair but it's sadly the game we should play to avoid to have them distancing for us even more.

It works in the sense it makes them "safe" to communicate with us and it stabilizes the relationship, but don't expect any miracles, MLC is a marathon, a very long one, I got frustrated so many times because I just wanted things to be solved fast but looking back time is somehow good for us, it helps us to decide what we want and work on ourselves .
It allows us to get rid of our bad mechanisms and put new ones on place, healthy ones, ones that are "good" for us.

Now a question?
Did you ever try yoga or meditation?
Do something that helps release those endorphins in your body.
To be in peace with your mind, sometimes you need to feel good in your body (relaxed).
I am not talking about looking as the newest sport illustrated swimsuit cover page, lol...


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
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skm0619 Offline OP
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I read posts from others about how they are having to interact with the H or W for whatever reason. Me on the other hand have no interaction at all with my H. I have stayed away from him and am doing the NC thing. But what I wonder is am I staying too far away? Should I be trying to interact with him more? Or, are his actions of not responding to texts or emails really how he feels, or does he even know how he feels?

I am getting really tired of having no contact with this man. How do people live like this. This limbo thing really s*cks!! How does he just continue to go on with his life like everything is just fine?? I know others say that their lives are not fine and this is there way of dealing with, or not dealing with all of their sh*t.

I have not seen him since November. I spoke to him briefly the first of January. How long am I supposed to carry on with this? I don't really know if I can do this for much longer. This is not what I want for my life.

I really think he thinks that if he continues to ignore me that I will get tired of it and will eventually file for D. I just don't understand that warped way of thinking at all? But then again I am not the one who was selfish and cheated and abandoned my M and my W.

So, am I better off not having communication with him? I honestly don't know. I know that I am still having a very hard time detaching...no question about that. I was also told that I am still doing things with how he will respond as my motivation. I can see where that is true.

I know I keep hearing that time is our friend.....I wish I could see that frown

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