Just writing down my thoughts. I have noticed that when I'm really exhausted I seemed to be very on edge and want to cry like today. Nothing happened with ex nor at work but I'm thinking back of what has gone wrong in my relationship. I know that for the last 23 months my life has improved so much and I'm better off without ex, but I still have that feeling of what if? I guess once I'm off I'll be fine.
I keep wondering if life is really unfair and if ex will walk away from what he has done without consequences. If it was to happen I'll be definitely annoyed (the least to say) as I have gone through so much pain that him walking free of anything would be unbearable.
Kids don't tell me what they do with their dad. I don't want to ask and got advice by IC not to ask them anything, but I'm wondering if there was something wrong would they tell me? Both are chatty box and if i want the know something I have to ask them. Is it normal?
At times I feel like I have failed my family, my marriage, my kids and my ex. Colleagues and friends keep asking me when I'm going to go out there and meet someone. I go out and have GAL even if it's only reading a book at home in the evening, but I doh understand the urge to ask me to be with someone. I'm not ready the slightest and I'm still married. Sorry if I'm old tradition but I have my values.
Is anyone having doubts even after a two years separation? I keep wondering if I did the right thing two years ago. Ex appears to be happy, so how could he be after what he did? I guess God has his mysterious ways.
Bonjour Rouky! Sometimes when I am a little sad I look at your thread and it always makes me feel better. You are amazing and an inspiration. God does have his ways and we must be prepared to accept things on his timeline. In the meantime we just keep moving forward and working on ourselves. Did you do the right thing two years ago? Of course you did. You did what you had to do to survive an affair by your husband. You are surviving. The next step is to thrive. Your husband made decisions for the whole family and everyone is trying to live with it. As for meeting someone new, you will know when the time/person is right. I do respect that you aren't comfortable dating while still married. It bothers me to. As stated previously I have learned that decent people don't want to get involved with a married person. And that is how it should be. Keep trying new things and try to get out socially once in a while. Hopefully any new relationship will start out as friends anyway.
Friends always, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Just want to let you know I relate to all your posts. It's been almost 2 years for me as well. And like you, I still go through the ups and downs.
I really don't feel like you failed your family. You always wanted to fix your marriage and you were willing to forgive and move past a lot more then most. You had flaws like every single person does. It really comes down to the fact that your husband just can't deal with real life conflict that comes up in every single marriage. None of us are perfect. And we have to accept that not being perfect should never cause our spouse to walkaway.
I don't know what makes some people committed and some people capable of walking away. But that's really what it seems to be. Level of committment. Because marriage is hard and we all fail.
I actually tried a relationship and while it ended amicably, I was not in a good position to date. I was so insecure about my own failings in my marriage, I think I overlooked certain things that I never ordinarily would have. I wanted to please and be agreeable like during bomb drop and then just never really spoke out. The old me would have been a bit more confident. I also was under stress with son and divorce and realized I just did not have the bandwidth. And yeah, there is the question of what type of person would date someone not divorced. Although in my case I think it was someone that was just really inexperienced with relationships (decent but not necessarily good to lack that relationship insight either)
I have to say, I do look forward to dating and meeting new people but maybe not till I take care of other aspects of my life....divorce, and sons services.
I like shotguns advice...socialize and work on friendships first.
Thank you for your lovely posts Shotgun and JujuB.
My life is still going ahead with everyday activities, but I have put on hold my social life as I'm very tired mentally. Work has been very stressful, so much that I have made aware my boss that I'm considering going part time. Now that is a 180 for me as I have always been brought up with s*#k it up and carry on. Going to last time would mean a loss financially but also a gain to do other things. My ex used to tell me that I was always thinking about the future and now by thinking of going part time I no longer think will i be able to cope financially? What about my retirement fund? I'm no longer worried about that. I no longer live in the future but in the present. Will I go part time? I give myself a couple of months to sleep on it. Another 180 as usually for me it has to be done here and there.
I still have days of ups and downs but I truly believe that I'm past the anger/ unfairness stage of my story. Well there are some days I still wish for revenge! We are only human after all!
My next step is working on deep healing and self-esteem/ confidence. This one is a tuff cookie to crack because I have lived with it for 41 years, and as one said old habits die hard. I'm doing a lot of reading on healing after an affair and all that comes out is to show compassion and understanding towards the unfaithful partner. This is where I'm struggling a lot. I can now clearly see my responsibility in the failure of my marriage, but isn't it too much asking to feel compassion for the unfaithful?. I now see why my ex must have felt unloved ( yes I was distant but also now I was deeply depressed), unwanted ( as he was working 7 days a week I learnt to deal with things on my own so I thought that when he'd come home it would be another worry less to think about!).
According to few articles compassion will accelerate healing, I understand why it might help but like ex I had past issues (now being dealt with one by one) but I didn't chose to cheat. The fact that ex never expressed remorse (even genuine one) doesn't help with me feeling compassionate.
Was reading another article about some separated parents getting presents for exes for Xmas, birthday and father/ mothers'day (which I do for the kids) and I guess I'm grateful that he does the same as his ex never got anything from him. The article was also underlining how important it is to be friendly with ex. Now I'm not too sure about this one as if we had separated amicably it wouldn't been a problem, but the separation was imposed to me by ex. When it comes to the kids we do communicate and show a united front but in all fairness if we didn't have kids together I'd not be in his life. Friends don't treat each other by betraying them. Am I wrong not to be friends with him? As far as I'm concerned he is my kids' father and I don't wish to be his friend as you don't treat friends like he did.
Wow tomorrow Valentines Day is the day 2 years ago I found out about my ex's affair. How time flies!
How I feel about it? Well a tiny punch in the heart but not really hurting. I have grown so much and learnt so much about relationship that I'm definitely a different person from last year and on DD the year before. I have gained so much knowledge that I'm eager to learn even more.
Just to finish in a funny note. This happened today. My kids: " Mummy can we buy you something for Valentines Day with your money but don't eat all of the chocolates! " I struggled to keep a straight face. Love those kids to bits.
Im not too sad. I will do something special for my son after school for Valentines Day.
I think that when couples separate in a way that is respectful and decent and mutual, friendship becomes easy. I do not foresee being friends with my ex either. He treated me worse then an enemy would. But I do still love him.
A therapist I occasionally talk to went through hell with her husband. He left her, was having an affair. He hid a lot of money from her and court was very favorable to her. She said it was a huge battle. She had a son with epilepsy.
She said that years later they ended up being friends again. She said they became very good friends to the point where they would hang out as couples. Each with their own respective gf/bf. Sadly, he died young in a MVA and she said it was really hard for her to get through that.
Right now, I honestly cant foresee this for my future. Maybe if i was really happy and satisfied with my new life then I could be happy for him and his new life and friendship could come from that. Thats the only way I would be able to fathom a friendship. It would be hard to forgive unless I was healed and whole though.
Its crazy though, because I hate my ex and often want him to suffer. But at the same time, I do not want anything bad for him and I feel bad when I sense that he is down or suffering. I would feel a huge loss if he died.
I hope you don't mind if I jump into the conversation. I have been wondering the same things as well.
After all H has done to me and his lack of remorse, I find it really really hard to imagine a scenario where I would want to exchange gifts with him or spend time with him. If a friend treated me this way, I would write them off. The only way back into my life would be with a very sincere apology and a lot of work. I don't see H doing either.
The desire for retaliation/retribution is strong at times. Sometimes I can put it in God's hands and backoff. Other times, I want so badly to be the one to lay it on him; especially so I can see him squirm. Not very DB, I know.
I guess I have more work to do in processing all of this. So it's back to the drawing board . . .
I understand so much how you feel. I don't think I can be friends with ex if I don't get a sincere apologise, and this will never happen. On a positive note kids told me today that they like staying with me and that their dad is a boring dad. Basically each time he comes to see them for his hour visit he takes them grocery shopping! Maybe taking them to see their aunties or grandad could be better but not my problem anymore.
Another good notes both of my kids have super cuddly lately and I have enjoyed every minute of it.
Solicitor sent the papers to ex two weeks ago but he still hasn't replied nor mentionned anything to me, then today solicitor told me they lost my original wedding certificate! Interesting as ex has the other one, so solicitor is asking him to forward it! Not surprised by ex lack of reaction as he has always been like that.
GAL is good as I have been out a couple of times literally 30 minutes after getting a text to go out. IC sessions are still going well and IC thinks I look healthier and in a so much better place than last time she saw me (a month ago)! 3 cheers for me.
Spoke to SD to tell her about filing, and I was feeling sad for her as she has hardly any contact with her dad now. He moans at her that she doesn't text him but he doesn't text her either. Ex promised her to buy her a second hand car and guess what I never happened. Ex refused to help her to pay for her driving lessons but ex told her that he is saving to build a jacuzzi in his garden!
He is no longer the man I fell in love with and obviously his priorities aren't the same as a normal human being, although each time I have asked for money I get it (but I know it's guilt). Ex's mum had gambling issues, and I think ex has the same as he can't save any money! I guess he is living his life how he wants but to be honest I'd rather be in my situation than his. I think he is also milking OW like he did with me, she really has won a price.
And me I'm happy. Days without thinking about ex constantly are becoming mor and more frequent. I see life in a whole new light and I love it. People are pushing me to date and I'm like: " why is it a requirement to be with someone to be happy?". I'm rediscovering me, no I'm finally accepting who I was always was instead of changing myself to please others. BD was the worst experience of my life but also a life saving one as I would have never appreciated what life is about. I was married to an emotional vampire who stole of my energy, joie de vivre and who will be doing the same to OW, now I have cut the cord I'm free.
I really don't feel like you failed your family. You always wanted to fix your marriage and you were willing to forgive and move past a lot more then most. You had flaws like every single person does. It really comes down to the fact that your husband just can't deal with real life conflict that comes up in every single marriage. None of us are perfect. And we have to accept that not being perfect should never cause our spouse to walkaway.
I don't know what makes some people committed and some people capable of walking away. But that's really what it seems to be. Level of committment. Because marriage is hard and we all fail.
I've been having this same conversation with myself lately. You summed it up perfectly for me. Thanks!
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
