Well Sandi2, I think what my IC was trying to say was that ww was trying to set a boundary for me (not going home from work) when she would not even entertain my thoughts on boundaries.
However I understand that a boundary is only for yourself, and you cant set a boundary for someone else. That instead of looking at boundaries to control her behavior, they need to be set to protect myself.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Not too much happened this weekend. She did get a call last night around 11:30, after we went to bed. She showed me that it was her friend (the one who was having an ea on her husband, and she called to tell her that they were getting divorced). The call lasted about 15 minutes, and she stepped out of the hall to take it. My ww, then told me about the call, and then went to sleep.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Well I am trying to look for some positives, without getting my hopes up.
She is going to met her female friend (mentioned in post above, the one getting divorced) out to talk. The two semi positive things that I see is they are going to meet at the Starbucks by our house, so no drinking alcohol.
WW told me that she told her friend that she is setting an alarm on her phone to leave, even if they are in deep conversation, and swears she will be home by 7:30. While I am skeptical that this will happen, I think if it does it could be a good baby step in the right direction. I am trying to expect a whole lot, so I am not let down if it doesn't happen.
Again today she told me how much she loves me, and cant wait to go to Chicago on Labor day (my buddy's wedding). So we shall see.
I went to my Doctor today for a sinus infection, and she was really commenting on my weight loss. She asked what spurred it, and I told her that I was doing it for myself because for sure I am the only person that will be there for 100% of the rest of my life. Inevitably we got on the subject of my ww ea. She told me I needed to move on, and find a nice girl at church. She said that she understood me wanting to try to save MR. She gave me a couple of additional books to read.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Well I think it is all but over, not because she wants it to be, but because I want it to be.
I remember reading someone's post about spying on here, and man was I addicted. I had bought a flash drive, that is also a recording device. I had pretty much given up using it because I wasn't getting anything. I decided to try it one more time. Well I got something. It records for 16 hours. I started it Sunday night, when I went to bed around 10. I was thinking that I would catch my wife talking to people when I fell asleep.
There was nothing. I heard her get up, and go see her dad, and then she went to the dentist. I was about to delete it, 14.5 hours in, when she came in the house.
She was talking to her friend (the one having an ea on her husband, and recently asked for a divorce). WW told her that she was telling me that she was going to coffee with her, and had to be home around 7-730 (this was last night, which she was on time as I posted), but then she said that she was at om2's house.
She then proceed to tell me that how on Saturday night (she came home at 6 a.m. I didn't post because I needed time to process, she claims she fell asleep on her friends couch) he told her that if he knew she was going to stay out that late, om2 would have taken her to embassy suites instead of a motel 6.
I confronted her this morning. I asked her if she had been talking to om1, she said that he texted her last week, and she had a conversation with him yesterday to leave her alone.
What I heard was her tell her friend, that what, if we (me and ww) get divorced, and they (her and om1) don't talk for two months you think she is going to call him out of the blue and ask him out.
WW then proceeded to say that at least om2 talks to her.
(I deduced that her friend asked her about money) She said I know, and that money isn't everything to her. She then said that she makes more money than me. (Which is true for last year because I was working part time jobs while looking for a full time attorney job, which I now have, and have been at for almost a year).
She then tried to say that she thought we had a good weekend together. I asked her how, I explained that she wasn't there on Saturday, and that on Sunday she either had a friend over (different girlfriend) or was at her grandma's.
WW then said that she was going to use her one night out (Wednesday) and say that she was going out with her coworkers, but would meet up with him.
Of course she denied all of this. She asked me how I got this information. I told her that I heard her talking to her friend about it (not giving up the source of my information). She said she didn't see me. I told her what does it matter, she is going to go meet up with OM2 anyway on Wednesday. She was like no that is not true. I said I know it is.
I told her that we both have trust issues, and left...
She called me, I asked her what she wanted. She said nothing, so I hung up.
She called me back, she asked where the listening devices were. I said I don't know what you mean. She said the only way I could know about the conversation was with listening devices. I said now who has trust issues.
She swore up and down that OM2 was just a friend, and not like the situation with om1. I said it seems a lot like om1, you didn't tell me about him, I discovered you on a phone call at 2 a.m. with him, and you delete your texts with him. How is that any different.
She told me that she texted all of her friends that she is on lockdown, and is not going out. She asked me if I was happy. I said I cant answer that right now. She brought up Valentine's day, and that her friends had asked her what we were doing. She told me that it hurt her because I hadn't said anything about it. I brought up that she lies, and I don't trust her, and that hurts me.
She then said that she had cried all morning, and that she just hit a curb, and blew out her tire.
I did do one nice thing for her, I called her a tow truck to pick up her car.
She asked if I still wanted her to leave. I told her yes. She asked if we could talk about it tonight. I said we could. She then said that she had no where to go. I told her that her mom was out of town, she could go there, or her friend (the one she was talking to in the recording) could take her in.
She asked how I was so sure of everything if I didn't record, I told her that I have to act sure, because she tries to manipulate me.
She said what is it going to take. I told her to stop f'ing around on me. She said she wasn't. I said I have to get back to work. She said she would call me later. I hung up.
This is mostly a vent. I don't think I want to get back together anymore, I have proof (not admissible in court) that she stayed out with om2. That is enough to sour anyone to a relationship.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
She said she wasn't going to come home, so when I told her to leave I said that she already said she wasn't coming home, so why did it matter. Now she is trying to be real nice to me.
I have been ignoring her, with the exception that the car place said they had to replace all 4 of her tires. Apparently the treads were really low, and that is why the tire blew.
She called her mom and get her mom's credit card, so I didn't have to tell her that I wasn't going to pay for it.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
So she has gaslighted me good. I am questioning what I heard. I don't have my recording here to double check.
I know what I have heard, but her voice keeps coming into my head, she said you cant tell the conversation from a one sided conversation. I know I need to not believe it...but there is a little part of me that says believe her...I know I need to suppress it...
Anyone have any advice?
I fully get that she will keep doing it, but my head hurts.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
Well she called me again, I told her that I didn't want to talk to her, and I was at work. She said she wasn't done talking to me. I told her that she was at work, and whenever things get to heavy she says she cant talk about it, and hangs up, so I don't want to deal with that.
She said she could talk. She says that she understands that things got emotional with om1, and that she screwed up in talking to him yesterday. She said she understands why she needs to block his number. I said that was good she recognized it, but she still needs to do it. She said om1, is a dbag.
She said she called her mom, and her mom laid into her. She said that she cant take me loosing my cool in the mornings. I responded that I cant take her being with other men.
I asked about om2. She swears adamantly that om2 is truly just a friend. I asked her how did I know. She met him the same time as om1, and I didn't know about him for months. She said he just recently gave her his phone number through facebook. I said this is exactly what happened with om1. They started talking about personal stuff, and then an ea happened.
I said that I am fine with opposite sex friends, but they have to be friends of the marriage. The fact that she is calling him at 2 am, and deleting texts doesn't tell me he is a friend. She said that she needed a guys perspective on what was happening between us. I told her that she is crossing the emotional threshold again, which she denied.
She asked me if I wanted us to still be a thing, and I responded that I wanted a wife that didn't text other guys. I again said that there is a difference between secrecy, which is what she really wants, and privacy, which she claims she wants.
She then asked me if she was going to stay home, or if she would be staying somewhere else. I told her I didn't know.
I reminded her that she was the one on Saturday, that told me on Saturday that she would text me every hour, on the hour and didn't. She said that she told me to text her to remind her. I told her that trust is earned, and I am not her babysitter. I told her she needs to start turning towards the marriage if she wants it to work. She said that she is. She asked if this was because we haven't had sex since 12/28...I told her no, because I don't trust her, so I have no desire to have sex with her.
She starts claiming that she would never have sex with someone else, while she was married. I told her she has lied so much I don't believe her.
The call ended.
Me:33, WW:30 BD:12/14/16, EA no children Still together
It sounds like you're doing a great job. It's easy to back-track and believe the gaslighting and other nonsense. Hang in there and stand your ground. She wants to keep Plan B, but don't let her have the safety net.
