Hi everyone,I'm wondering,my w seems to have gone thru the first 3 stagers,but no sign of the others,she is still in replay with om ,but It seems to be taking a long time for the other stagers to kick in,or is it possible they will not go thru the other stagers,it would be great if you cauld,help me with this,and to see if job ,Sandi,could give me some advice,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Hi everyone,I'm wondering,my w seems to have gone thru the first 3 stagers,but no sign of the others,she is still in replay with om ,but It seems to be taking a long time for the other stagers to kick in,or is it possible they will not go thru the other stagers,it would be great if you cauld,help me with this,and to see if job ,Sandi,could give me some advice,
Hey Maly .... its hard to really plot the MLCrs course by the 'stages' .... they often do not follow them one by one .. and its also possible they come out of one, and then pop backwards. Often it is very possible they remain stuck in one for some time.
MLC takes time, there is no guarantee but I do think most do come out of it .... 'when' is the million dollar question.
According to your timeline yours entered about the same time mine did, outside of a 6 month touch and go mine has been in replay as far as I can tell for about 3 years ... Replay as I have learned is the most painful and longest of the stages.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the MLC Forum. The stages are just a guideline and provide a description as to what may occur along the MLCer's journey. They are not linear and they do bounce back and forth throughout all of them except the acceptance stage, which is the final stage before returning to the real world, i.e., some tend to stay stuck and others don't.
It will take as long as it take and it's really all up to her as to when the crisis ends or she remains stuck. You didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her. You can't control anything she says or does...but you can control how you react to her behavior.
What happened 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop? Think back...did she get a new job, birth of a child, death of a family member/co-worker/friend, etc.?
I would suggest that you educate yourself as much as possible on MLC and depression. Depression is the main ingredient of MLC.
I have taken the liberty to link your thread from Newcomers to here so that others can read up on your situation:
Cadet, thank you for coming by and posting your Welcome to MLC for me this morning.
Last edited by job; 02/13/1710:40 AM. Reason: Add link to previous thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi everyone,I'm wondering,my w seems to have gone thru the first 3 stagers,but no sign of the others,she is still in replay with om ,but It seems to be taking a long time for the other stagers to kick in,or is it possible they will not go thru the other stagers,it would be great if you cauld,help me with this,and to see if job ,Sandi,could give me some advice,
Hmmm - I just spent some time looking at my welcome post which apparently has changed a little over the years.
This used to be in it
Originally Posted By: Cadet
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
There are certainly MLC'ers around that never complete Replay, and we have thrown around numbers of 3-7 years, although I can tell you that my ex seems to still be in the tunnel and I am almost at 8 years. Job will tell you that her ex is also in the tunnel and I think she started posting here in 1999, so yes TIME can be VERY long and it is best to not waste it.
I certainly started out as a big stage watcher. However the longer this goes on the more I agree that it is a huge waste of time.
Most people posting here have spouses in REPLAY, so welcome to the club.
I began posting here in Jaunaury of 2000. At the time, I thought my xh's replay began in 1999...not so, I sat down a few years ago and charted his behavior out and his MLC behavior actually began in late 1997/early 1998 and became full blown MLC when his step father passed away in March of 1998 and his father's passing followed on in November 1998. His step into MLC began when he was rear-ended and saw the vehicle coming w/no place to go and he told me that his life flashed before his eyes. He also couldn't face getting "old". He needed new glasses which at that time had to become bi-focals. He wouldn't order them, but rather held the paper way, way out in order to read it.
Where is he now? Working on wife #3 and still out there acting like a teenager, i.e., still blaming the world for his woes and still hates me like a bad rash.
I took the stages that Jim Conway wrote about and watched them like a hawk. Guess what? A huge waste of time because the timelines didn't match up because the timelines for each MLCer are as unique as the person and their childhood. It will take as long as it takes for them to work through their issues...some come out the other side much more mature and happier, others come out, but keep some of the behaviors they had while in crisis and then there are those who remain stuck and become those 60/70/80 year olds acting like they are 20 somethings all over again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Where is he now? Working on wife #3 and still out there acting like a teenager, i.e., still blaming the world for his woes and still hates me like a bad rash.
What a catch he is!! LOL! Thanks for the update, and I assume he is around my age too.
He will probably end his MLC just when he gets put in a box and covered with dirt.... What a way to live.
He just celebrated his 64th birthday. I don't think he'll ever get it and realize what he had and threw away. I think you are absolutely correct and will not face himself until he's ready to be put to rest. He's one of those that will never admit he is at fault for anything and the world owes him everything. It's a very sad way to live life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I began posting here in Jaunaury of 2000. At the time, I thought my xh's replay began in 1999...not so, I sat down a few years ago and charted his behavior out and his MLC behavior actually began in late 1997/early 1998 and became full blown MLC when his step father passed away in March of 1998 and his father's passing followed on in November 1998. His step into MLC began when he was rear-ended and saw the vehicle coming w/no place to go and he told me that his life flashed before his eyes. He also couldn't face getting "old". He needed new glasses which at that time had to become bi-focals. He wouldn't order them, but rather held the paper way, way out in order to read it.
Where is he now? Working on wife #3 and still out there acting like a teenager, i.e., still blaming the world for his woes and still hates me like a bad rash.
I took the stages that Jim Conway wrote about and watched them like a hawk. Guess what? A huge waste of time because the timelines didn't match up because the timelines for each MLCer are as unique as the person and their childhood. It will take as long as it takes for them to work through their issues...some come out the other side much more mature and happier, others come out, but keep some of the behaviors they had while in crisis and then there are those who remain stuck and become those 60/70/80 year olds acting like they are 20 somethings all over again.
wow job I did not no it could go on like that,for all that time,think my w has been in it since her dad died in 2009/2010 ,its very hard to get your head round it,understand it,I still find it unbelievable how they change,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
Hi everyone,I'm wondering,my w seems to have gone thru the first 3 stagers,but no sign of the others,she is still in replay with om ,but It seems to be taking a long time for the other stagers to kick in,or is it possible they will not go thru the other stagers,it would be great if you cauld,help me with this,and to see if job ,Sandi,could give me some advice,
Hey Maly .... its hard to really plot the MLCrs course by the 'stages' .... they often do not follow them one by one .. and its also possible they come out of one, and then pop backwards. Often it is very possible they remain stuck in one for some time.
MLC takes time, there is no guarantee but I do think most do come out of it .... 'when' is the million dollar question.
According to your timeline yours entered about the same time mine did, outside of a 6 month touch and go mine has been in replay as far as I can tell for about 3 years ... Replay as I have learned is the most painful and longest of the stages.
Hi Cali,w dad died 2009/2010 ,I'm sure she went into mlc about 2011 that's when all the shouting and raging started ,started new job in 2015 and that's when I think she was in replay with coworkers but I only found out for sure in 2016 ,since 2011 she has been very cruel and heartless towards me,with small intervals of being nice like she was wen I met her,
Me 56 w52 M30 years 4x adult kids W dad died/11 W wanted d 03/12 In-house sep 03/12 D 2014 I pushed W Left on 02/16 I pushed Pa on 07/16 Nc after 07/16 W Cakeating 15to16 Me doormat 12to16 Limbo 12to16
