Someone say airplanes? Love them! Spent quite a bit of my life around Naval aviation. Love to talk airplanes!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Wow, what in the hell happened? Lol. I leave for the weekend and come back to a spirited Discussion - part of which must again be going over my head.
Let's see if I can respond some.
Skinny dipping - yet again? Wow I'm so over the whole skinny dipping jokes. Funny. The first ten times, perhaps, but... And if anything I'm homophobic so not getting naked with another dude unless he's got MD behind his name and we are in a clinic.
As to if I wanted an R I coukd have one or many. Can't disagree more as it takes two people to have an R. What can I do, gorse someone at gun point? If. She's not interested, she's not interested regardless of what I want. Those who are I have not been. I guess I coukd just. Keep going with them. A his but if I can't bewitch someone I really want to be with, why bother? To that end I guess it's true I coukd be in an R if I chose to but what the point. I'd rather be happy by myself than less than with someone else.
This in fact relates to the meet of some of the other posts. I don't know if I'm not clear, people are not able to see all of what I wrote or they just reach their own conclusions regardless of the info I do provide? However it's not like I've had all of these failed Rs. I'm not even getting to the point they can fail. I've not had anything beyond casual or a single date in 3.5 yeas. It's not about me or even the other person or conflicts or something, it's about I'm not interested in them or them in me for all sorts of reasons including distance. I doubt they coukd say I did not handle conflict, or communicate or speak their LL AFTER ONE DATE!
So much of what I wrote is who I am at least as far as they know as the Time nessisary to find out more has not been invested. This deeper things often come later and in fact if I were putting them out that early you'd all be saying I'm revealing to much too soon and being to anxious therefore scaring them away. You'd say, relax, just have. Fun and get to know them - right.
But I can certainly add to that list.
- I'm extremely honest - live to communicate about deep things - I enjoy finding out about the other person - I always say how I feel - and it's really how I feel. Not what I think the other person wants to hear - I am very direct - I am rather right on politics - I do not want to get married again. I'd prefer one woman in the same page as me. - if. She's still looking for her "soulmate" at this age we are not a match. - I am very rational at conflict. I can agree to disagree. I don't do crazy. For example there is this spoof video where a woman has a nail in the center of her head and goes on and on complaining about the pain yet when her BF suggests it might be the nail in her head she gets very upset with him and says he's not listening to her - it's not the nail. THATS CRAZY - ad the video strongly suggests. I don't do crazy - I don't sweat the small stuff - money is no real issue to me - I rarely if ever care what someone else thinks of me. I most certainly value their input but I don't do anything based. On what I think they will say or think.
Is that more what you are looking for? If so, it makes sense perhaps a month in or 5 dates in. Do you really think I. Not finding someone because they don't think I'd handle R conflict well? And if. So what on earth coukd someone just getting to know me base this on?
If I knew what to change I would most certainly consider changing it. It. Coukd be. Possible I'm trying too hard or coming On too strong. It's possible. Yet, the woman I just came out and asked told me she stopped interacting because I didn't seem interested. How can I be trying to hard yet coming Off as not interested?
Even the suggestions and discussion here is now all over the map - leading me even more to believe there is no easy answer. Still I hope you'll all keep trying.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Go back and read your post. Your answer is in there. Dissect it. You're a smart cookie...I'm sure you can figure it out.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Zues, of course it is great to be accomplished. But how about being accomplished in relationships? We get good at what we practice and focus on.
Interestingly, WH is very accomplished. He is highly respected at work, innovative, asked for by management for special projects, sent around the world to teach, and in general a very hard worker.
But he has cheated in the most offensive manner on a string of wives. And he told me straight out that his job was more important than our marriage.
That's why I look for the things I do in a potential partner. Honesty (and yes, I test). Kindness. Character.
My post was stating that both accomplishments and values are important. Accomplishments don't excuse a lack of character.
I am very accomplished and never cheated on XW or walked on my obligations to my family. XW was the one that cheated and walked and she wasn't as accomplished. It's not one or the other.
It seems to me that it's really easy to take the qualities that lead to achievement for granted. Persistence, innovation, ambition, competency, hard work. That is what built the very world we live in. Now as we sit in our air conditioned houses and have a fully stocked refrigerator and can drive in cars with our children to doctors to get medicine, now we can say 'ok, we're good, I don't need all that, I've got enough, those qualities don't matter much to me anymore'. But with an empty stomach, sick untreated children, and all kinds of other hardships all of a sudden those traits start becoming paramount.
This goes along with my speculation that hardship is what kept marriages together and that the divorce rate has to come up as our quality of life rises. Marriage requires accepting things that we consider unacceptable, sacrificing our freedom, and taking our rights to pursue personal happiness and placing them beneath our obligations to serve our family. When a partnership becomes a convenience instead of a necessity most people simply won't make those choices.
I've talked about this before. The hierarchy of needs, starting with need of food and water, then safety, then belonging, then prestige, etc. When people were in a survival situation all they longed for was a partner that could help them survive. As we move higher up this pyramid of needs people have become more demanding.
I'm not saying this is a bad thing, and this is just how it looks to me. Just my own attempt to make sense out of a crazy chaotic world we live in.
I get why you'd focus on what you focus on after what you've been through. I'm not criticizing your emphasis on making sure a guy isn't going to turn out to be a snake. Your XH was flat out wrong to cheat and the destruction of multiple marriages is ghastly. I can empathize with how he probably felt, it wouldn't surprise me if the women he was cheating with were making him feel admired and important for what he was doing in his life. Again, my point being that having his achievements recognized and not dismissed is a core need for most males. But part of being a man is taking it on the chin if your marriage doesn't provide you what you want and need and still honoring your commitments. He came up very short there and I can see why you'd need to know this wouldn't happen to you again.
As for me, my XW left me and is now dating a stoner that parties with her on the weekends saying she doesn't need a guy that's successful materially, she just wants someone that she can have a good time with. I'm thinking to myself "Of course you don't need a guy that works hard, you have a court order pointed at my head forcing me to provide thousands of dollars a month for you already, and since I'm already meeting your basic needs you have the luxury to go out and fish with your alcoholic boyfriend..." For me it is absolutely critical that I am super successful or my family won't be provided for because the buck stops with me. No one has to say thanks, but I get to see my children eat, I get to buy them books to read, I get to pay for their violin rentals, I get to pay their chess tournament registration. That's enough validation for me and I know better to look for it anywhere else.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Don, I really hasn't even been getting dates at all. I had some online dates, which you don't do, otherwise I've been in a complete dry spell for a year. Then forever before that. I couldn't explain it except that I am never around single men.
Is it true it only takes one? I think it might be. I never saw myself with a younger guy with no kids and he is AMAZING. And I was resigned to the just being alone for now too. Does that have anything to do with it, I don't know.
What attracted me the most? His kindness and the way he reached out and was appreciative of something nice I did. His sense of humor. His passion for what he does for a career. The way we simply clicked and have similar personalities. His drive in life. The way he is making his own dreams come true. How is so very thoughtful and considerate of me. Which I saw clearly on the first date, actually. His accomplishments are impressive to me, because they do show his character.
There is no easy answer. But in the meantime, perhaps try a new venue. The gigs aren't working. Your out of town conferences aren't working for now. How about finding a new hobby? Try some meetups that involve your interests.
The frustration with this situation may actually be leaking out to other women. For example, the woman in my class who is single and is despertaley searching for a guy having a "crush" on every single guy that walks in the door just omits desperation. My guy (one of them she was zoning in on) said her desperation is such a turn off and is obvious. I think we all omit an air about us when we are searching too hard for something. I know I have done that. I am not saying you are leaking desperation. I think it's more the frustration that might be evident. Hang in there Don!
So much of what I wrote is who I am at least as far as they know as the Time nessisary to find out more has not been invested. This deeper things often come later and in fact if I were putting them out that early you'd all be saying I'm revealing to much too soon and being to anxious therefore scaring them away. You'd say, relax, just have. Fun and get to know them - right.
But I can certainly add to that list.
- I'm extremely honest - live to communicate about deep things - I enjoy finding out about the other person - I always say how I feel - and it's really how I feel. Not what I think the other person wants to hear - I am very direct - I am rather right on politics - I do not want to get married again. I'd prefer one woman in the same page as me. - if. She's still looking for her "soulmate" at this age we are not a match. - I am very rational at conflict. I can agree to disagree. I don't do crazy. For example there is this spoof video where a woman has a nail in the center of her head and goes on and on complaining about the pain yet when her BF suggests it might be the nail in her head she gets very upset with him and says he's not listening to her - it's not the nail. THATS CRAZY - ad the video strongly suggests. I don't do crazy - I don't sweat the small stuff - money is no real issue to me - I rarely if ever care what someone else thinks of me. I most certainly value their input but I don't do anything based. On what I think they will say or think.
Is that more what you are looking for? If so, it makes sense perhaps a month in or 5 dates in. Do you really think I. Not finding someone because they don't think I'd handle R conflict well? And if. So what on earth coukd someone just getting to know me base this on?
Why would you keep all these things hidden until further into a R? It's not revealing anything too soon to say that you like to have real conversations and that you are honest, or financially independent, or even-tempered, or that your political leanings are one way or the other, or that you don't see remarriage in your future. I think it saves a lot of time and prevents you from getting entangled with someone who thinks throwing food is the proper way to argue, or who is really superficial, or who can't imagine being with someone who has a different political view.
I know what I'm looking for in a partner. His job is completely irrelevant. It's great if he does well because it means he will most likely feel good about himself. But if he is a completely average performer at work and his focus is on spending his time taking care of family, help out at a shelter, or working on an art or craft, I would be even more intrigued. Money doesn't mean too much to me. It's nice to not have to worry and be able to travel a weekend once in a while, but I have no need for a 50 inch TV or a boat or diamonds. Or sit next to an exhausted and sleeping partner on the couch in front of the TV. I think many women feel the same way.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I think these factoids about you are awesome. You sound like a great guy and I think it's great to sometimes dare someone we may not normally go for at times.
I can't speak for most women-only myself. I'm not into money, or what a guy does for a living. I would hope he likes what he does for his own happiness and that he can put a roof over his house. I'm not into looks. I have to be attracted to him which is like finding a needle in a haystack and he must be attracted back which whittles that pool down to almost nil but it is a pool. Probably not long enough to swim laps. :-) I don't believe everyone truly wants honesty however I think most people value candor and directness in regards to Rs. But I'm no expert dater as I've always been in a relationship for the most part. They ranged from a model, to an auto mechanic, x Mr. GB is an artist and NG is a photographer/writer (former struggling actor). Yes, I'm really not into money. I don't think you have to line up on everything but there are some things that Anne difficult to overcome. Religious differences (if super important to both), if one wants marriage or kids and other doesn't. Otherwise, everything is negotiable if the parties agree.
Just relax and be yourself. I used to login for some of my guy friends when they were OLD and help with the winks and emails. Not that they needed my help, they just wanted an opinion. I don't know if I have anything to offer but I think authenticity is super attractive. More peeps should try it.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
