This used to be easier - and a lot more fun, cont.

[DonH]

Yeah Mustang Sally would fall into the category of standards - some might say classics - songs that many many bands tend to play.

I hate and I really don't hate much - but I hate to dance. Lol. Yep a musician who does lay like to dance - actually there are many of us. So I'd not be a fit for a women who lives to dance and wants a partner. Still I'd never suggest you give up dancing for a guy. I totally understand it takes a bit of an extra fit for my lifestyle. The thing is, there are also huge upsides. If someone asked me to do something Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, I could very likely make it happen. Not many guys can do that.

I fully get it takes the right fit. And I am also picky. Totally get al of it. I even totally get it will take time. But 5 or 6 years? Really? Three or four Rs in 10 years - most 3-6 months and one 9, which was the last one, 3.5 years ago. I don't have forever. I was divorced at 43 and will turn 54 in a few months. Time is not standing still here. I can never get these years and everything in them back. That's what concerns me most.

[Dawgs]

fully get it takes the right fit. And I am also picky. Totally get al of it. I even totally get it will take time. But 5 or 6 years? Really? Three or four Rs in 10 years - most 3-6 months and one 9, which was the last one, 3.5 years ago. I don't have forever. I was divorced at 43 and will turn 54 in a few months. Time is not standing still here. I can never get these years and everything in them back. That's what concerns me most.

This is screaming.

[exquisitetobe]

You are 1 relationship above me. 3 for 8 years are my stat.
My longest was also 9 months.

Out of those 4 relationship, did you have a common obstacle?

When meeting women, are you clear on what a relationship means to you and the kind of relationship you want?

In my experiences, one wanted the "your place, my place" and we do some things together... To me, this is called a friendship.

Another one was willing to move in asap. He wanted ALL OF ME, ALL OF MY TIME AND ATTENTION but he was also bashing all our friends and none of them were good enough for us.. REALLY?? Those people who have welcomed me and him to their table for the past 5 years are no longer good enough?? I don' t think so..

The third one.. well this one was actually my first relationship after the divorce. He was just right. He thought I hit the jackpot. Until I found out about his WIFE.. He was married!! That was the end of that..

Common obstacle in all 3 were: My 4 kids. My lack of time for the relationship. This came up in all 3. Even though I was very clear of my situation, it still came up.

Conclusion for me: Relationship is sitting on the shelf for later. I was blessed with 4 children and I am their role model and sole parent they can count on. My priority is them.

What we were looking for in our younger years and what we want now is totally different. The goal is not the same. The relationship is not the same. We are not looking to build a future and family.. We have this.. What are we really looking for then?? Ask this question to the ladies you meet.. You will get a multitude of answers. And then, watch their actions. You will soon realize that many people in our age group do not know what they want!! Many are looking for what is missing in their life at that SPECIFIC time you asked. exemple: she is feeling lonely, she' ll tell you she wants companionship. She feels busy, strong, and independent,, she' ll tell you she wants someone to do things with "at times".. she feels overwhelm, she' ll tell you she wants some to hold and hugs..

All these things are normal.. Once you enter the relationship, you need to pay attention and deliver.. same for her.. TIME AND DEVOTION DON.. if you do not put in the time, you will not get the result you are looking for..

[DonH]

"This is screaming."

Care to expand and explain these four words? Screaming what?

[Vanilla]

I am going to let you into a couple of big secrets.

The girls you liked at 20, 30, 40 and yes 54. They are still there older and wiser. It is easier as you get older, truly it is. Even V gets asked out these days although she isn't ready yet to date, maybe never will be, who knows!

They are still there. On British TV there was a really excellent documentary, I do at 92. And of course you can do.

You are still too young for a new R, truly your young spirit is restless. Which reminds me do you play Spirit in the Sky?

Another great fave of V.

I cast iron Internet guarrantee that when you have reach the ready stage, the steady stage will come. Go with it and flow, enjoy, none of it is a waste. Your life isn't just an R, it is you living and being you.

V

[DonH]

And we're back to me reading and thinking, huh????????????

Lol, sorry not following most of that. I can't agree with "it gets easier as we get older" in fact, have you read the title of these last two entire threads? This used to be EASIER - not this is getting easier!

Yes I still have the memories but all I know is my first 8 cruises with someone were much more fun than the 9th by myself. So much so I didn't even go on the 10th even though I ORGANIZED IT! I didn't want a repeat of #9 and try as I might I could not find a friend to go along - never mind a romantic friend - just any friend male or female.

Spirit in the sky does not ring a bell but then again I don't know a lot of the titles. Tell me what key and count it off and I can likely fake it! .

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Don,

I heart exquisite lobe's post. V makes some good points. I may be a dissenter here but I'm not sure dating is easier now, it is just different. Everyone has baggage. I suppose the thing is that some of us can handle another's baggage better than another's baggage. And of course, how we handle our own baggage factors in as well. I *do* think dating is different when you are not necessarily looking to get married and have kids. Or maybe you would consider marriage but it isn't necessarily the end goal.

I think your experiences are normal. Yes, some people date while married, shortly after divorce, periodic dating, and some don't date period. I do get a bit annoyed when folks act like if you aren't dating then "you are missing out" and "you must get back on the horse." I think I am in no place to judge or decide when anyone should date-except for myself. We are all different and people do things at different speeds. Again, you experiences don't strike me as out of the ordinary.

Everyone has a heart attack over that word picky. I see all of these long lists for what people want and for some, I think that works. I think most people have some non-negotiables and a few really need to haves. I think we take a look at ourselves and recognize what we can work on and then also realize there are some things that probably won't change. For example, I am super duper independent (been that way since I was a kid) and very quirky. While most men that I have dated, say initially how much they love my independence, they also have all said in very loud voices at times, "You are so independent!!! It drives me crazy!!" I do try to catch myself with the independence thing and realize that it's okay to occasionally ask for help. The quirky thing? Nope. I'm good with it so there is no desire to change. My issue is that I am very, very rarely attracted to people. I can agree they are attractive people but *I' am not attracted to most people. Almost never. Literally. And add in the fact that I am older (this was not as big of an issue when I was younger) that on the off chance I am attracted to him, there is a very, very real chance it may not be reciprocated. It's a bit of a barrier and I have seen a therapist off an on over this (it's heavily tied to my ED). I can work with it, however, it is an ongoing thing. I'm aware of it, however, it is a challenge.

So, my question to you, is what do you want? What are you looking for? No wrong answers because it only matters what you want-not what any of us want for you. Do you want a life partner? A gf? A casual R? Open to all of those?

I like "Spirit in the Sky" as well. Nice one hit wonder call, V:)

[DonH]

I can and do relate with much of what you write Georgiabelle. We also may be somewhat alike. I too am extremely independent and always have been. My mom tells me that from toddler on "I do it myself" was in my vocabulary. While I don't at all think of myself as quirky, I have had at least some people say otherwise. I've never been the guy that people take to or really like right away. Those who get to know me and "get me" tend to love me. Most of my good friends would tell you that - it took a while to understand me, but once they did... Perhaps that is quirky? I just don't see it like I do with others.

I am also picky but not in a purposeful way, if that makes sense. I just like what I like and I know it when I see it. It may not even be the same from person to person. Finally, again like you, I also am not attracted to most people. Do I look like a f'kin people person? and have a T-Shirt that says just that, given to me by a friend who does get me.

So put that altogether and... I am pretty sure I've written my 50/40/10 assessment on here but it bares repeating. Talking in general terms with all people - not just women who could be potential dates - 50% of those I meet I would rather not even talk to. I don't get their jokes, I don't get their small talk. We have little in common. I don't try to feel this way - I just do. 40% I will get to know, don't mind doing things now and then but would not want to go on vacation with them for example - other than in a large group. Then there are the 10% ers. If you are a 10% er I will do just about anything for you. I enjoy doing things, will stay in contact, you are the first person I'll gravitate to in a room. I have very diverse friends but only a few close ones. It's again been this way much of my life. There are people I just love to do things with but they are the 10% which means there are not a lot to chose from. Many are married, some still have kids or now getting grand kids, etc. So I don't have a huge circle - just a good one.

I hate going places by myself unless I have a reason to be there. Show up at a bar or a meeting by myself? Id' rather go to the dentist - unless I'm giging at the bar, running the meeting or at least speaking at it, etc. Otherwise I much rather have a friend with me. So that's one thing I'd rather not do by myself. Projects, etc. even exploring fun cool places - like say Washington DC I'd sort of rather do by myself - just not group tours, etc. Cruises, bars, social things, I hate doing by myself and want someone with me.

Does this make me quirky?

So what do I want? Well if I could just order her up, she would be pretty independent, not need me but want to be with me. Casual would be fine, committed but not so intertwined that I'm obligated or expected to be there all the time would be great. I'd be fine with "girlfirend" I never say never but can't at all see myself getting married again. What is the point at my age? I could certainly see living with someone but that would likely be the farthest step I'd go. I want someone who is honest and that I can trust. That's nearly impossible to find right there. I find people are not even honest with themselves so how can they be honest with me? I can take pretty much any honesty but cannot stand dishonesty. I also have a GREAT BS detector so I typically can tell when I'm being lied to. I only have truly 2.5 "deal breakers. Smoking is one - just can't, cannot, will not, just no!!! Dishonesty. You may get one pass with me but lie to me and it's likely over. And then the 1/2 is large tattoos. Whatever - that may be pretty lame but just can't hold hands with someone with a snake on her arm or coming off her boobs or a tramp stamp above her butt. Thing is, I'll bet you dollars to donuts she won't meet the other stuff anyhow. A little this or that in otherwise somewhat hidden places, ankles, yeah, that's fine. Not for me, would not suggest it but not a deal breaker and have dated women like this.

Does that answer it? Beyond that, the type of person - intelligence, confidence, educated (usually but common sense and intelligence are more important). Reasonably good looking and in decent shape. I have no problems and actually some attraction to what some call "thick" but rolls, sorry. Not huge on over-done girly girls or plastic surgery either. The more natural look attracts me more. That said, the looks are more negotiable than the person and personality. It won't matter what she looks like if we can't hold a conversation, she is klingy, filled with drama, etc. It just won't matter. On the other hand if she fits emotionally, it won't matter near as much what she looks like.

For whatever reason I've always fit with those younger than me. My exW was only one year younger - nearly to the day. But many GF and dates were and still have been younger - though not all. I don't look for it, it just sort of happens. I remember having a 20 year old GF when I was 27. We only dated through the summer until she returned to college. Oddly enough we reconnected and dated for 9 months 3.5 years ago until she decided to remarry her ex husband. They had 3 kids and I just backed out - was the right thing to do. At this point I can't see being with someone younger than 40 so when I say younger - it still is within reason. Actually 45 is more accurate but it's again more who the person is.

Does that help? If not, what did I miss? Ask and I shall tell.

[Georgiabelle]

Oh wow, Don, thanks for the insightful post. I would like to say that I am super chatty today and I have no idea if what I have to say is of any value. I am always fascinated by different personalities here so some of what you said does not match up to the image (darn cyberspace) of what I had of you. My mistake with preconceived notions. When I think "musician" I have a tendency to think a certain personality which just proves that we are all unique.

I understand the wanting to do social things with someone. I am described by people as super outgoing (although I think of myself as just more chatty) and a free spirit. I like lots of people. The idea of them touching me is an entirely different issue and I admit my issue is much deeper than an attraction thing. However, I really am cool with being by myself doing social things. Projects? I would rather do those with someone. I will provide humor, cocktails, and music because I can't imaging anyone wanting me to help with stuff like that.

Anyway, I know some people have said you may come across as "too anxious" which may or may not be true. However, I always find it interesting when the "too anxious" people often are the people who are good with casual. Which is totally cool. Look, I understand why people want to get married again, don't want to marry again, want to date, don't date, etc. Really, it actually all makes sense to me.

I have no clue but maybe that is a piece of it? Some women may think you want x, when in reality you are okay with y. I don't want to speak badly of my gender, but I have noticed that women (or at least the ones I know) are not great at understanding men as a whole. And while most of the men I know say women are confusing, they generally have a good read of them unless they have been in a basement for 17 years with no contact with humans. I'm guessing that more women are open to a LTR whereas some men may want to play the field a bit more or feel they have more options as far as relationship choices. There are people for everyone-regardless of the situation they seek. If you are online dating, then I would definitely say you are open to the type of R you seek. Yes, some women will see casual and think "booty call" although some women are okay with casual. I just think honesty is key. Sorry I can't offer more insight on OLD. I only did it for a few weeks.

You do give great insight on peeps' sitches. You sound like a great, talented guy who has overcome so much. That is a fantastic thing. Honestly, I'm not sure I had a point although I did 20 minutes ago but I forgot

[doodler]

Don,

I don't think your issue is that you're picky when it comes to women, I think it's that any woman that would complement your philosophy and attitude probably has attributes that you'd find unappealing. I think the perfect woman for you would be someone that has eyes tattooed or her eyelids and when she snores it sounds like uh-huh...uh-huh...uh-huh...