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DonH Offline OP
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Here's the previous post.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2710427#Post2710427

Hope everyone will continue here as clearly I'm not done yet. smile


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Don, it's hard to know the answer. I know myself when I'm doing that online thing which will never be mentioned again on your thread (lol) I've had times where 8 or 10 women don't answer and I wonder what I'm doing wrong...and then 15 in a row will all answer and I can't keep up! So maybe it's just a matter of pushing through those lean times until things turn around. And as I've said before, it often has nothing to do with what you are doing or not doing...that's what makes people such a pain in the @ss lol. You're not pathetic!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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DonH Offline OP
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I actually did laugh out loud at the OLD reference. I actually love humor so no issue there - the key is things actually being funny, or at least me finding them funny. smile.

Was with you on getting no responses. But then 15 respond in a row? Um yeah, can't say I have any clue what that feels like. My friend on Friday suggested I try OLD again - I'm like, yeah, NO! I have clearly done much better in real life - and that's nothing to get excited about so imagine what my OLD expierence was like. I do keep hearing commercials for its just lunch, but not sure about that either.

I know I'm not pathetic but really have started feeling that way. Hell if I were reading this, I'd think it about the guy writing it! Lol


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Quote:
AND I play sax in bands about 90 times a year - mostly within an hour of my house. I travel out of state about a dozen times a year.


It comes down to priorities. The more you write about your lifestyle -- the more it sounds, despite what you say, as if you really do not have room in your life for a serious relationship.

You argue that you do -- but you prioritize your music gigs, as you have since you were in your 20's. And that's fine. It's the mainstay of your life and something you value and enjoy and said you're unwilling to give up or alter. Nor do you see why you should -- and you shouldn't if you don't want to.

But 90 gigs a year is A LOT of time devoted to one thing. And if you travel out of state about 12x a year -- that's essentially once a month. And even if 80 are within an hour of your home -- that still involves traveling.

Time is our most valuable commodity-- and if you evaluate your life -- you'd acknowledge that your music gigs have consumed a large bite of your life.

Everyone has "something" they prioritized -- that eats up the majority of their life. For some it's their work, for some their children, for some their hobbies, for some their community activities etc.

You seem to think you don't have to make any changes in your life to achieve a different result.

But you know what Albert Einstein said: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."


We're all on a spiritual path -- and we stay stuck where we are until we learn the lessons of the challenge.

Many people just keep going around the same mountain over and over and over b/c they refuse to consider trying some new avenue to conquer it.

Eventually most people decide to stop circling the mountain -- and finally decide to climb the mountain instead of circling it -- or just decide to drill right through it!

When you're ready to make the necessary changes -- you will -- and then you'll get new results.

Good luck!

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Don,

Thank you for linking your threads and fixing your signature line. I greatly appreciate you doing these things for me.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Don,

OMG! You have received stellar feedback from everyone and I hope you are feeling a bit better. I felt compelled to chime in as I haven't been here in a while.

I agree with lots of being said here. You may overestimate someone's interest (I always assume that people aren't interested in me-different ball of wax). I am rather gregarious and it has caused people to think I was interested when I was not. I am always a bit surprised because *I" don't think that way. However, when I step back, I do understand why someone might get the wrong impression. I will not stop being friendly and you should approach people as well. Rejections stings like a bee ya know? But in the words of Kanye West, "That that don't kill me.. Can only make me stronger..." Enough on Kanye:)

And I do agree, that you should live your life. I mean, we are only going around once so you may as well enjoy it, right? I have a good friend who is single and 39. She wants to get married and have kids. She just started dating a man with kids and here is something she is struggling with at this time. She is having a difficult time with the fact that he only sees her every other weekend. He has primary custody of his 3 young kids and a very busy job that requires travel each week. And he lives an hour a way. And here is the deal...he may like her. He may even grow to love her. But getting the kind of his time that she wants may be super duper challenging. By all accounts, he seems like a great guy. He is just busy. She will have to decide whether or not she likes him "enough" to continue this new R, because his life is not changing anytime soon. It is what it is and IMHO, it's kind of on her as to whether to keep investing. If she goes, awesome. If she doesn't, no harm-no foul. But she shouldn't get upset that his life is very full because he is pretty transparent. This doesn't mean he isn't worthy of love or a R, but it may be more challenging for him to balance one right now.

What may seem different is that you too are busy. However, you are a little bit older without small kids. It does sound like you have some wonderful hobbies and that you are committed to pursuing those. And it sounds like you are at a stage where you are looking for a R that is a bit easier? We all have baggage and some wonderful poster (sorry-I don't recall who) said it is how we deal with said baggage which says a lot about us. My point is...Let's say I am a late 40s, early 50s woman and I think you are a great guy. If the activities are first priority, then I would wonder how serious you were about having a real R. I might think you are looking for companionship on your terms. Nothing wrong with that but it may be confusing to women. By all means, have fun and continue with hobbies. Just know that if that is the impression you give off, then it might be off putting to people looking for a serious R.

I hope that made sense. Happy Valentine's Day peeps! Love to you all.



3 kids
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Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
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"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Please don't over think this. It's quite simple really.

All you need is one love 2ho loves you back. Not lots of lovely ladies just one special one.

Relax into it, that's what is needed, relaxation.

Observe mode and a new hair cut.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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DonH Offline OP
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Thank you Vanilla for your kind words. In just being brutely honest, which is the only way I know how to be, I don't often connect with your writing, but this one I clearly did. I also know others greatly due so it's not you as likely as it is me. Either way I thank you - and I totally agree.

I thank the others as well. I first started to respond several days ago after Summer's latest post, but then thought I'd wait to see what others had to say and I also didn't want to "shoot down" suggestions, etc. I really am trying to be open minded about all of this. Turns out, I should not have waited.

Thing is, and I should be much more numb to this and usually am as for whatever reason most people just don't get it, but music and 90 gigs a hear IS NOT A HOBBY! It is my JOB - J-O-B my job, accounting currently for about 40% of my annual income. For whatever reason people think it's a hobby - why is that??? I guess because for many it is. Not in my case. I've spent a lot of time honing my skills, lessons, even working to improve after 35 years, practicing, etc. I rarely if ever perform for free. Now, totally, it's a lot of fun, it really is and I won't deny that. I get to travel to and attend all sorts of things that people pay to do but I get paid to do it! But I'm just lucky enough to have a great job but it really is a job at times - very much so. Most people would never call my work as a paramedic a "hobby" but actually, that was more a hobby than the music is as for a good part of the time, I was a volunteer firefighter/paramedic. I just happened to also do that as a profession for a while too.

It bothers me that someone would not even want to try dating me because they THINK these things but obviously they do - that was just proven by several of you thinking that very thing. But asking me to cut back on gigs is in a way asking one of you to start working part-time rather than your full-time job.

Thing is, if I find someone to spend more time with, I most certainly can and will cut back on that. In fact, while I was married and the kids were active in many things and we did things as a family, I had cut way back to between a dozen and 20 gigs a year. I was also working full-time plus as the executive director of a state organization, therefore my income was still solid. So I can and will do that again - but do I really have to do that BEFORE I find someone? Really? So give up part of my employment in HOPES of finding someone? That seems backwards to me.

However, you guys are not wrong in your view of how things sit now, I would not have a lot of time for a woman - well duh, I don't have a woman and I'm not about to sit home doing nothing so I fill that time. That said, I'm not sure I want an R where we are together every day. I'd be fine with every other weekend and have actually done that a few times in years past with women who had kids so we saw each other when they were with their dad as I'm HUGE about not involving kids in early Rs.

Will I be able to find that? Clearly if the past several years are any indication - the answer is no. But as V says, it only takes one. I don't want multiple - I really don't. The only reason that has somewhat happened is due to it being casual with all of them or long distance. There is only one real connection (at least on my part) and she is the one 10 hours away.

I have been told over and over again that there are women out there who want the same thing that I want. Others say they don't exist. It's also clear that some don't know what they want or say one thing when they really want the other. They claim they just wan occasional and casual, etc. and then meet someone who they then want to marry. I've had several claim they have no interest in getting married again but then change their mind - or get honest???? In other words they always did, but were not being honest about it? Some claim they don't want kids, are done with that, have no desire but then have or adopt a baby. My exW would fall in that category - first trying to get pregnant at 48 and then adopting at 49.

So that's where it is. I know this is all helping so I thank you all for it. I can't say it's making me feel better but oftentimes things like this make you feel worse in the short-term but are necessary and make you feel and do better over the long-term. Time will tell. The latest woman I met at the event I did three weeks ago, who I'm honestly still not convinced is not gay, just asked me to do lunch which is now morphing into taking a long walk together in place of or in addition to. Hmmmmmm, almost sounds like that let it happen naturally, thing you've been suggesting. No expectations - in fact, even less in this case given my suspicions. smile

Other areas of my life are getting challenging as well. I see change coming. We'll see. Again, I want to be as clear as I can that I greatly appreciate everyone's input - I don't want any of my comments to appear otherwise.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Don

Really the music is you and you are the music. It is as much a part of you as breathing. That is definitely not worth compromising over for an R.

I go dancing, not as often as I used to do, but it is core to me. I would never give that up now for an R. I need a dancer in my life.

Hens teeth?

Possibly.

Where do you go to find dancers? Heck dances.

I jive, salsa, Tango. I am not the best but I love it.

One day it will be ok. I am Ok alone in due course I will want to have a new love. My fins, the Giggalo, the state of my body doesn't permit that yet.

I am still on my journey.

I only need one who is crazy loco for me and visa versa.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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If you don't connect with my writing it's because the message wasn't for you.

As a bulldog once said 'gobble gook' or was that gook gobble? I forget.

But that's ok I forgive you.......

Lol

It's going to be fine, relax and let it all unfold in time.

Do you play Mustang Sally? If you do think of V jiving away to her favourite track and supporting you all the way.

A wonderful guy like Don will find his one and it will be worth it.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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