[BrightFuture]

Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2680955&page=10

Job, Irish, thanks for stopping by. Not having to wear that shoe feels great!

Had to start a new thread, as my old one reached 100 posts. I wish I could start it on a more positive note… But… the truth is that I’ve been struggling lately. The blues of the holidays didn’t wear off as I expected. On the contrary they got worse and I feel like I’m in a minor depression right now. I think the weather contributed to this as well, it’s been raining for more than a week now. I had to call sick at work today, because I didn’t feel like I would be able to handle all that stress that is going on at work right now. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and cry… Didn’t quite happen this way, as I still had to be online answering e-mails and doing the work…

I went to the friend’s dinner last night. These are the people who have a house at the vacation home and who hosted the Christmas dinner and then New Year’s. H was at both of these. They told me that when they invited H for Christmas dinner, he was not so sure at first, he thought that it would be weird with me in there too. So, I was right, the first night when I arrived at the vacation home on the Christmas weekend and H was at these people’s house, he was testing the waters… if he would be comfortable around me at the Christmas dinner. He told my friends that it was fine. Right… I knew that, as he stayed for the entire night…

Then my friends brought a few points that I didn’t want to hear… It seems that they still believe that I and H could become good friends… They discuss our situation like it was a mutual decision to end the M… and that H should have a shot to having our vacation home as his own place and being able to bring a woman in there… Grrr…. These people have no idea what I went through after the BD… and still going through… But… the interesting part is that I start feeling like the BD was not a big deal… That this is just how the things work (or don’t work in our case)… and I should not feel any hurt… because H just didn’t like his life with me… big deal… what is wrong with me???

I know that I keep bringing this into myself… Hanging around with people who are also H’s friends. What do I do??? Do I just tell them I don’t want to see them anymore? I know I can tell them to not have any conversation about H… But, it just happens. I know, I will have 2x4 here for this…

Interesting part was that a couple hours into our dinner, my friends decided to call our mutual friends at the vacation home, to say hi. Well, our mutual friends at the vacation home also had a dinner and H was there… What a coincidence…

As a side note… H texted me a couple of times asking about the company file and his checks. I got a couple of his checks (payments for his invoices) and deposited them to the company accounts. But… I kept forgetting to let him know. Not typical for me, I guess…

At this point, I feel like I came to the crossroad’s, but cannot decide which way to go. I feel like I’m at a standstill… Looking for any signs to tell me what I need to do next… I have no energy… I feel down… I feel discouraged… I feel like I lost all the hope to be happy again… I’m getting by, I get my stuff done, I manage to do my job, to pay my bills, etc… But… I feel lonely and not so strong these days… Sorry for the rant.

[roist]

You will get through this phase too. Don't put yourself under pressure to choose your path. Have faith that you will go in the right direction and until then, just be. I do believe in the benefits of moving forward and taking positive control of our lives, but not to the extent of feeling we HAVE to decide something or HAVE to do something. Your path will present itself when you are ready. Let it come to you in it's own good time.

As for your friends I think you should put a boundary on discussing H. If you like these people why deprive yourself of them? But I would look into widening your social circle.

I understand you feeling lonely and unhappy. It suckks.But do remember they are separate issues and your happiness does not depend on you being in a R. There are many married people who are lonely and many single people who are happy.

Here we often hear of the benefits of GAL. They are undeniable.
WWe can fill our lives with as much fun and other stuff and life can be great. I think being in a loving R is something that cannot be replaced by other things. But at the moment we don't have that, so best to concentrate on being happy.

Treat yourself to something nice today, even if it is just 5 minutes to enjoy a hot chocolate. Then plan something that you enjoy for this week. Ring an old (or new) friend.

Best wishes

[Sotto]

Hello Bright, I'm sorry you have been feeling low and I do think that Roist posts wisely. There is no need to make any kind of decision about anything just now - unless you feel that would be what you want to do.

So, I agree that self care is called for - give yourself what you need to improve your mood and wellbeing. Plan some nice things with friends (who don't talk about H) and have a think about how you are spending your time and whether there are new things you want to consider to bring more joy, purpose and meaning to your life.

I wouldn't make your H central to any of this unless you feel you need some more closure - in which case that's up to you. Equally, if you choose to continue standing, focus on continuing to create the best life possible for yourself. Independent of whatever he may be doing.

I agree with Roist that conversations like these with friends certainly aren't helpful and it would be quite reasonable to tell your friends that you would prefer not to have them. Even if you say after the event - I hope it's okay, but when we meet I'd prefer not to discuss our marital situation...it doesn't really help me to do that - I know you'll understand. A good mutual friend recently said to me - 'He isn't the man I thought he was' - that kind of helped me - I don't know if she keeps in touch with XH or not...

Your H is central in your post above and perhaps he needs to go firmly on the back burner instead??

I do hope you'll be feeling better soon and please post if you feel we can help xxx

[Mighty]

Hello, my dear friend! I'm so sorry you have been so blue... The winter blues go to me a little this year too! And also my s... nothing to do w xh, but dang, once you get to that spot, I think sometimes, no matter how happy you are, you can get a taste of it again.

But, onward and upward, my friend. I hope things are progressing and you are back on the upswing... I know I've said this before, but for me, girl, I totally deleted the commonalities we would share to eliminate those struggling emotions and connections.

I'm so glad you can attend things together. Thats great for you, as you always seem so graceful. For me, I'm not that graceful... I had to cut it all off and restart a-new... do me. It really helped with those cycling feelings and emotions and made me feel so much better about myself.

Hang in there, my sweet friend. I truly hope you are taking care of you...

[BrightFuture]

Thanks roist, Sotto and Mighty for stopping by. And thank you for your support.

Mighty, what a pleasant surprise to see your post! I’ve been always following your story and you always amaze me. You are a strong woman and a great mother for your S and D. I’m so happy that you are in a better place now. I wish I could do what you did and just cut everything dry. Some people tell me that it would be the best thing for me. Maybe so… I guess I will know when it happens…

Roist, thank you for y our advice. I will try to handle the conversations with mutual friends a little better. The thing is that I’ve been on this MLC journey for 4 ½ years now. I’ve done a great deal of GAL and also meet a lot of people. I’m actually kind of tired of GAL and want to spend some time by myself now. I’m not the person who easily makes friends with everybody and anybody, I’m kind of selective who I consider my true friends. These people happen to be H’s friends too… Sigh… But, I hear you, that I need to concentrate on my own happiness and the thing are actually not that bad when I think about it…

Sotto, thank you your kind words, as always… You are one of a few who still stop by and check my posts, even though I’m not very good at answering right away. Yes, I agree with you 100% that I need to do more of self care now. I think I reached a certain point in my life where I felt comfortable being completely on my own and taking care of things just fine… but… started to feel that something was missing in my life… a person who I could share my life with… I hope it makes sense.

As H being central in my posts… I guess this is what I come here for… My life is pretty stable and settled. I have one unresolved issue right now, which is H… Like I said, I feel that I’m at the crossroads, but don’t know which way to go. I can certainly continue to stand and do what I’ve been doing… Or, I can file for D and start the process… I just think I lost the sense of what’s going on in my sitch. I certainly don’t feel like I want to be the one to initiate D. But, I don’t know how to push H to do that either. I’ve been quite strait forward lately. Nice, but to the point. I can just tell him that he has to start the process. But… I don’t know if I’m not seeing something… if I’m missing some signs… etc… of him coming around… I don’t dwell on his every action or word anymore. I have almost no emotion about his actions, etc… And considering this, some of his actions seem strange to me… for a person who wanted to finish the “phase of his life with me” to move on to the next one…

So, here is some update. Not much, but I guess it will be for my own record, LOL. It was H’s b-day a couple of weeks ago. I sent him a card ahead of time to his PO box, but I don’t think he checked it. I was contemplating whether to call him or send him a text on his b-day. He used to call me every year after the BD, except for the last year. I was in Vegas with my GF last year, I think he knew that, so that might be why he didn’t call. So, I decided to call him… He sounded like he was happy to talk to me. I asked him casually about his plans for the day, and he told me that he didn’t have any and he was cleaning the stuff in the garage. I don’t know if he really didn’t have any plans or he just didn’t want to tell me. I have a feeling that he is trying to present himself as a “decent” man recently, hahaha… not a party animal…

I kept the conversation short, wished him a great day and said good bye. I felt like if I would keep talking and asking questions he would totally talk more. But, I was at work, plus not really prepared for a long conversation.

He texted me yesterday with some business related stuff, which was not really urgent. Tonight, I called my mutual friends’ house at the vacation home to ask them what they need me to bring when I go there next week. Coincidence again… they told me H was there for dinner with another couple who I know.

So, it’ like H is everywhere… More I think that I need to cut the cord and do something, more he is “in my face”, so to speak… Again… this could be just my speculation… as I cannot “see” my sitch anymore… This is where I hope to get some feedback or prospective… Either way… either people will tell me that all this is just my wishful thinking… or there is something to it that I could build on…

Long post again… sorry…

[ForeverYoung]

Hi Bright! I understand the reasons to focus on our spouses actions in these situations. How else are we to know what is or isn't working, or where they're at? As long as it isn't stopping us from enjoying life, I see no harm. Post away. Like you said, your life is stable and steady as is, and you seem happy enough with it to me.

As H being central in my posts… I guess this is what I come here for… My life is pretty stable and settled. I have one unresolved issue right now, which is H… Like I said, I feel that I’m at the crossroads, but don’t know which way to go.

Does H know you are at a crossroads? If not, why?

Michele implores us to not wait until we are triple done to tell our spouse.

What do you think would happen if you told him? Play out all possible responses in your mind.

[BrightFuture]

FY, thank you for the feedback! It made me think...

No, I don't think H knows that I'm at the crossroads. He might feel it... and this is why he "checks in" with me periodically. The thing is, that I don't know why H keeps the contact and common stuff going. It just might be very convenient for him. Or, subconsciously he feels that he needs to do that... I don't think he is all the way out of the tunnel. I think he is still baking. Like job said numerous times that my H is a very slow MLCer.

I will try to play all the possible responses, like you suggested. But... for some reason I think that he would retreat deeper in the tunnel, if I would give him any indication that I am still standing for our M. I better be prepared for alternative steps, if I would tell him that. I'm not sure I'm ready...

I was sick again last week. My work schedule and this retuned sense of limbo is taking a toll on me.

I'm going to the vacation home place this weekend. I have company holiday next Monday, so I decided to take some time off and relax. I'm going to stay in my condo. I think H and some of his crazy friends (including that crazy woman) are going on a week long trip south, so there should be no distraction to my stay there. My mutual friends are expecting me, and my other friends are going to be there as well. I just hope for a good sunny weather.

[BrightFuture]

Hello, my fellow DBers! I’s been the longest I have not posted. I try to keep up with the threads, especially with the once that have been here for some time. I have to admit that I have not been reading the new once that much. I know all newcomers are in good hands here, with all the wisdom and support that this board has. I’m personally the one to benefit from all that wisdom and support, and I will always be grateful for that.

There are not much updates on my sitch, it is all pretty much all the same, slow motion limbo… It is pretty much the same “game”… I am nice, doing things for H. He is nice too. Once I start questioning myself if I’m doing too much for H and that I should stop it, he picks out of the hall and has some “business matters” that need to be addressed.

After the Thanksgiving party at my friend’s house at the vacation home, I was at another party for St. Patrick’s day at the same house, where H was also invited. There was some interesting conversation that I’ve learnt off, but I’m not going to bother anyone with it here.

For the once who are familiar with my “lipstick story”, it is solved now. H admitted that the lipstick shipment was a fraudulent thing on his bank account, and that he just played along with it to make me believe that it was a gift from him. Of course, I didn’t ask why he decided to play along. But, at least I know that my intuition was right. I always thought there was something weird with this “lipstick story”. Plus, to H’s credit, he had to come clean with it.

As for my personal life, I’ve been absolutely insanely busy at work (so it explains the lack of posts here, as I have no energy.) A few weeks ago I had to go to the East coast for a project go life. I logged 94 hours of work in 7 days. I’m still supporting that project. Even though it slowed down a bit, I still cannot make myself to relax. I need some serious vacation time. I have a few things in plans in works, including going to the vacation home (actually staying at our still mutual place, since my own condo is renting for the weekend .

And the biggest event that is happening in my life right now is my son’s graduation from college! Yes, long awaited! It is this weekend. H is flying in from the state where he works for the event. This is probably going to be the closest encounter with H, also for my family, who have not seen him for a long time. But, I could not care less about H… I’m just trying to make sure that I have everything worked out for my son’s graduation and the party. I’m so stressed about it right now. I want it to be perfect.

[job]

Congratulations to your son on his graduation from college! You have so much to be proud of! As for your h, this is your son's big day and all focus should be on him and his accomplishments. Don't allow your h's attendance to take away from that.

[Irish M]

Hi bright
Great news for your son. A new chapter in his life will begin.
Like job said. It's his day :-)

As for working u too you drop. I use to be that person. When this all started I needed to keep busy. If I wasn't doing activities with my girls it was work.

I since changed that. I still spend all the time doing things with the girls but I slowed down on work. Yes it pays the bills. my life memories aren't reflecting back on my day at work, or the contract I signed. It's my girls, my family, my time alone taking pictures in nature. So I focus more on those things because that is what makes me happy and relaxed.

Slow down, smell that flower or sit in a park and breath.

Hugs to you peace xox