You can't do anything else but what you're doing, putting one foot in front of the other. You are fighting like a lioness for your family. Your WH doesn't deserve you one bit, so fight for your children, swallow that pain and take another step. You are doing everything you should be doing. Your reward will be this knowledge that you are doing everything humanely possible and I hope your children know one day how much you held it together for them.
Wise, wise words.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dating. Is that even possible with a married man? But yet I have to walk on eggshells right now while he makes his way through this damn tunnel, eh? It's so unfair. Right now I feel like I either have to accept the cheater back on his terms or deal with only half of my children's lives as he has made it clear he would seek 50% custody.
Originally Posted By: 2016sux
I totally understand this. Sometimes I can't believe the situation I'm in. My husband has a girlfriend. My husband has a partner he introduces to other people, as 'his partner'. But it's not me, his wife. It seems insane to me. It may be because our values make this situation seem unbelievable.
Its hard to do, but the best thing is to put it completely out of your mind. Don't think about it.
I have no clue how my wife introduces her OM. They work together and people there know they are together. It kills me. I even know that my wife introduced OM to her sister before Thanksgiving. How's that go? Hey sis, here's my boyfriend that my hubby doesn't know about. I'm hoping OM will be at thanksgiving next year and current hubby will no longer be in the picture.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
It is insane because we have values....my W moved into her AP house while still married....we just got D this month...some people ask me how she can be living/being with someone else you are married??? It is perplexing.
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
have no clue how my wife introduces her OM. They work together and people there know they are together. It kills me. I even know that my wife introduced OM to her sister before Thanksgiving. How's that go? Hey sis, here's my boyfriend that my hubby doesn't know about. I'm hoping OM will be at thanksgiving next year and current hubby will no longer be in the picture.
Remember, blood is thicker than water. I would imagine that the SIL knew of the OM much, much longer than you are aware of. It is what it is, my friend. Not your monkey, not your circus.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just catching up, Sara. This is long battle you're fighting. Think in terms of months or maybe years. It's not an easy one. Why are you fighting it? For your kids? Because you still love him? Whatever your reasons, grab onto them and make them your priority.
When thoughts of what he's done start creeping in, force yourself to think of something else. Not to forget, but to try to start your own healing. You need to start there. Even if your H wanted to move on, he won't be able to if you don't.
Hope you have a better day
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
have no clue how my wife introduces her OM. They work together and people there know they are together. It kills me. I even know that my wife introduced OM to her sister before Thanksgiving. How's that go? Hey sis, here's my boyfriend that my hubby doesn't know about. I'm hoping OM will be at thanksgiving next year and current hubby will no longer be in the picture.
Remember, blood is thicker than water. I would imagine that the SIL knew of the OM much, much longer than you are aware of. It is what it is, my friend. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Jeep may be right. And most WS feel that once separated, dating is fine. Or should I say "openly dating". The families are hard to assess.
When my oldest brother was dating 2 women (not married to either) my siblings and I did not go along with pretending one of them didn't exist when he was with the other. We liked each woman, but it was insane for him to expect us to avoid some topics, etc.
It was very inconvenient for him...but we were not going to cover/lie b/c he couldn't deal. Both women loved him, and he was incredibly pathologically conflict avoidant.
So You never know what the family's are dealing with. When there are children, there is also the underlying fear of losing contact, as well.
Sara, I'm so sorry you are in this, and trying so hard. As for the custody issue, just b/c the court awards 50% custody does not mean your h will use it all up. Over time, most (not all) men won't keep up the half time parenting. They don't want to pay CS, but they often don't fully use the visitation, for whatever reasons.
SIGH....What you're describing sounds like a marriage that is Not meeting many of your needs. Understandably You're worried your h isn't in the marriage with both feet. It's a reasonable concern.
But you want what you once had. I get that. And I think it's possible.
I just think it takes a lot more work on your h's end than he's showing. And there may be a fear in him that "even if" he does ALL that work, you won't definitively love and see him the same way as you did...which is probably the way it is.
That's not your problem, assuming you are not throwing the A in his face or seething in front of him. Mostly it's incomprehensible stuff in him. Check Bluwave's thread out for how hard piecing is. I'm not sure your h could handle the truth of the damage he's done. And I'm not positively sure you should tell him.
(*I really am not sure. It's complicated).
Maybe you can list 3 things that it would take for you to know he's really in this. Then at least your main task would be solely on forgiveness. That is hard enough.
But you would be less haunted by the fear that if you turn the cheek, you'll get slapped again.
And maybe (??) down down the road, you can list 1-3 things that would make you choose another path. Just for clarity, so you'll know you have deal breakers you can and will enforce. And you'd know for sure that one way or the other, the limbo would end.
Just some thoughts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I admire your courage! Keep on fighting for the kids and the love you still have for your family. You are on the right path! No one can know how much time this will take to get back to a level of "normalcy". I feel you are headed in the right direction!
(((Sara)))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Oh my friends, thank you so much for your wise words and guidance. I still find myself building resentment about the feeling of rug sweeping going on. We went out of town last weekend, just the two of us, and spent most of the days touring the area and soaking in the atmosphere. We talked about shallow things, weather, work, news, etc., We ML twice and there was a...distance? between us. I am not feeling connected to WH. I feel like he is physically present but his mind is elsewhere. I fantasize about telling him I think I can't do this anymore and he frantically doing everything and anything to win me back. But the passion isn't there, it hasn't been since before the affair. It hasn't been there since shortly after we married. He started residency so soon after our wedding that it really affected our quality/bonding time.
I am happy at work, with my children, doing my GAL activities. But I am not happy with my marriage. I feel like we're just going through the motions and both desperately avoiding conflict so we can simply raise our children in a warm, kind household. I wish he had the balls to disagree without arguing. I wish he would be willing to jump off a mental cliff to fight for me. But he doesn't. He buys me jewelry, go shopping, plays outdoor sports, bowling and stuff. But there is no...connection. I really miss feeling important and loved by him. After the affair he decided he was never really in love with me because this affair showed him what "true love" was. Forget trying to argue limerence with him, he doesn't believe in it.
I keep reminding myself that this is a long game, that the dysfunction of our marriage took years to form and will take years to change. But I just don't see any desire for him to look within and take ownership of his screw ups. I'll keep my lips zipped but man is it hard! I sleep well with the ADs and my days are full of happiness. Is it selfish to want more from my M?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Today WH asked me to bring the kids and join him and a co-worker couple for lunch. I picked up the kids, put on a nice outfit and makeup and drove over to his job. The other couple was a half hour late so WH was a little stressed but it smoothed over when we got to the restaurant. Afterward WH and I took the kids to the park and let them run around a bit. I still get this...lack of connection. We talk about frivolous things but never about us. We do things together but it feels like being with a stranger. I feel like I am going a little nuts.
I want us to heal from this disaster and start to move forward but I feel like we're in this limbo land or something. I looked up Retrouville in my area and there is one in June. I am thinking of approaching WH to think about signing up. Thoughts?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I could have written those words a few months ago when I was at the beginning of piecing. During his replay phase, I thought that if one day he was done with it and made his mind to stay, the piecing phase was going to be some kind of honeymoon. I was so wrong... That connection/love that I have been craving was nowhere in sight, I was astonished by his lack of love/passion and he was so touchy about his past actions, I had to be so careful. I was left again doing the heavy lifting.
Like you I started to have so huge waves of anger and resentment, I decided to stay detached as much as I could, some days I was good at it some days not so much, I took the habit to talk daily to a very good friend, she was my angel, those daily conversations helped me to vent, to sort out my feelings but also to evaluate what was going on. I stayed engage in different GAL activities and focused on my kids.
At one point it seemed that instead of going better it went somehow worst, he became even more distant, then his behavior started to improve for the better and the connection between us too , he started to be less "touchy" and more interested in the kids and me.
That whole depression/withdrawal period lasted about 6 months, even if I was doing a pretty good job at being detached I remember telling myself at one point Ok if there is no change in 6 months I am going to file or ask him to move out because I could feel it was taking a toll on me.
That nasty MLC is such a long miserable journey for us the LBS. I really understand your frustration, no you are not selfish to want more.
It's going to take a while until the fantasy of the OW goes away fully but it will eventually, don't try to compete with that fantasy, it will just reinforce the idea he has of it. Just live your life, stay detached, keep those acts of kindness (it helps to smooth the relationship), Gal and keep venting here or to a good friend for your own sanity... Look back and ask yourself, is my life today better today than one year, 2 years or even 3 years ago? Sometimes we want more than we have and forget to appreciate what we have at that very moment. I am the first guilty of that. Remember, he chose you not her, he could have chose her but something stopped him... Stop thinking about what he said a few months ago, it was his thoughts then but his thoughts now might be different. Passion is great but it doesn't last, it's just a phase, deep love is about attachment/connection, something more quiet, I listened to a Ted talk about that and it made me reconsider the notion of what real love is.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
