Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[skyhigh]

Sara, I share your internal battle, I went through that, those waves of resentment came coming to me when the situation started to get better with my husband, once our mind starts to relax, here they come, they haunt us. Like you I had those agonizing resentment thoughts. How could have done that to me? At one point I didn't even know if I still loved him anymore, I had thoughts about leaving him... I kept having those flashes of him and them.

It was really an internal battle not to talk to him about those thoughts and share them with him. What kept me going? I told myself "OK, he is back, he is showing good will, not the one you want (saying I am sorry, remorse...), but at least he is here, my kids have their dad back and he is now present in their life, don't be so selfish, think about them, don't mess up".

In my mind there was a constant dialogue, between anger/resentment and reason. I kept myself busy with the kids and activities. I never talked to him about what was going on, I didn't want to scare him, and also I knew somehow the relationship was still fragile/shaky, one mistake, and he might be going back into withdrawal.

I still experience those thoughts from time to time, but their intensity is much lower and not everyday but like you I still have a wall inside me, I didn't lower my guard fully. Do I still get mad? Yes, I hated Valentine's Day, I bought cards for the kids and just looking at those cards for husband and their messages, it triggered a huge "hatred" and sadness in me, I didn't buy any for him or even wished him a happy St Valentine. I was a mess that day. I was glad he has a very busy schedule that day and came back late because I was ready to explode and tell him what was going through my mind. He got me flowers... the first ones in many years for that day.

Detaching is not only during the "replay phase" but also after. Most probably, your husband is now in the depression/withdrawal phase, so he is trying to figure out what happened and why. He has a lot of work to do on himself, only after he is done with it he will be ready to talk with you and express remorse. Now the best he can do, is showing you that he cares for you through his actions, and sincerely words are nice but actions are much better, remember they "promised and talked" a lot to OW but they were only words, they never implemented anything with them. They are with us. Men are not creatures of words like us women, they are more into actions, they show they care though gestures.

My husband is done with the depression/withdrawal phase, it lasted a good 6 months, he is now in the first phase of the "awakening". I can tell he is more "relaxed" by his body language.

Stay patient, I do understand and share your worries about rug sweeping, I have that in my mind too. We are in a journey, a long one. Trying to shortcut that journey will only set us back. Do we have to lower our expectations? Certainly not, but some conversations cannot be done if the timing is not right.

[PsySara]

2016,
I have to keep reminding myself of how far I've come since Dday. I was an utter basket case for at least three months. I don't remember a lot but I can recall at one point lying on my office couch and sobbing. My heart ached, my skin hurt, heck I think even my hair hurt. I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare that was my life. There was no mental place in my head for my WH actually cheating on me while I was pregnant. He actually proposed her being a second wife and she accepted. They began having sex and then WH asked me how I felt about a second wife. I thought he was making a joke, like marrying a motorcycle or something. But then I realized he was serious and I felt like the floor just gave way beneath me. I demanded to know if they had sex and he vehemently denied it for 4 days, even swore on the Quran, until I restored his phone messages. I even spoke to her on the phone and was gracious and kind, she apologized and said she would never speak to him again. Of course that was all lies and lies and lies. The fact that he would actually consider such a despicable person my equal (a co-wife when I don't even believe in polygyny in the modern day) really gets my goat. My DBing coach says I am still stuck on "somebody's gonna pay" and he's right. So I make sure not to react and put myself somewhere else away from WH until the rage passes.

Skyhigh,
I have read and re-read your post, it has been very soothing. Valentine's day was a mixed bag for sure. WH wanted to take me out to lunch but got caught in a traffic jam and was an hour late, this resulted in us going to grab some fast food instead. He was extremely apologetic and asked me if there was anything he could do to make it up to me. I wanted sooooo bad to tell him, "Let's go for a 2 day intensive with MWD!" LOL!!! In the end there is a huge part of ego in this. He kicked the teeth out of my ego and I find myself wanting to lash out because of the pain he caused. But I remember my mindfulness and focus on the NOW. WH is working VERY hard to be a better husband. While he doesn't read self help books or go to IC he does ask me every day if he can do something or say something to make me feel good. Sometimes I feel like a tightrope walker. I know his ego is very fragile and he is pretty raw from all the raging I was doing.

This week WH has come home twice telling me he was missing me and the kids. He touches me a lot and we ML quite often. HE helps with the kids a lot and shows appreciation when I do the regular routine. It's strange but the resentment is so powerful now, while everything is going as I desire. When I was in crises mode and practicing the LRT I would have thought I would NEVER feel resentful if WH simply re-engaged into our marriage. But here I am, battling this ugly demon in my head. It helps to read my experience is not unique. I am very grateful for getting s second (third?fourth?) chance to save my marriage. This picing is HARD. I think as a reward to myself I will finally put piecing into my signature again.

[skyhigh]

I think those resentment waves are hitting us during piecing because we can finally "rest" our mind, we are not in constant fighting mode anymore. Rest is nice but it allows us also to look back at those past events under a different angle, we are not reacting to them and trying to find a solution but now we are analyzing and judging them. We are getting hit by the harsh reality of their behavior toward us, we are becoming aware of the huge discrepancy between "them" and "us", we have been destroyed emotionally, we have been cheated and lied, our trust has been exploited, but them, they had a "good time", nobody cheated on them, nobody lied to them, nobody exploited their trust, they messed up and we have to be nice to them, it's all good...

Who should be grateful for piecing us or them? I don't have a answer right now.

I know he is trying very hard to prove me that he changed, he is giving me proofs of that every day so right now I am going to satisfy myself with it even if I wished he could be more "remorseful" with words. Stay detached is the key to keep going until that MLC journey is done. I am thankful that my children have their dad and their mom together, everyday I witness how divorce/separation can affect children and it's hurt my heart.
Kids are very good at hiding their emotions to their parents but at school they lower their guard and allow their emotions to resurface and believe me that's heart wrenching.

[Anchor]

Woohoo PsySara! In piecing! I feel very happy for you that you feel safe enough in the process to say you're in piecing. In my mind I think you're several months into the process already. It's difficult to bare your heart and say you're in piecing when you've been so hurt before. It's a brave thing to do, and I admire you for it.

Your discussion with SkyHigh has been so interesting. I don't know about other newbies, but I used to imagine that if WH decided to come back then the worst was over. I have a friend who is a psychotherapist who says she thinks this is the point when it really gets hard, but I've never agreed before because, to me, having your family intact was worth anything. Your discussion has made me see how extremely wearing and difficult it is. You guys are awesome. I still hope to join your ranks some day.

[PsySara]

Skyhigh,
The mental dichotomy of piecing while fighting my own desire to "make him pay" is really hard to put into words, you did it quite well. Part of me wonders if he will ever truly "get it" with regards to the depths of pain he inflicted on me? Part of me is afraid if he doesn't, he will repeat the behavior. Another part of me wonders if I am just continually setting the goal post out farther and farther? My WH is WAY outside his comfort zone but he continually puts himself there and tries to find ways to make me happy. I know I am responsible for my own happiness but it does feel good that he cares about my happiness, kwim? Now that things are feeling calmed down all those niggling doubts rise up and my mind tries to play mind movies again. I practice my thought stopping and continually reground myself in the now. I remind myself that I chose to give him a second chance, the power is in my hands. I am grieving the loss of him being "the one." When your husband proposes to another woman, sleeps with her and shares the most intimate parts of himself it's kind of hard to go back to thinking of him as my soulmate, ya know? So I have to grieve the loss of that fantasy. Now my love for him is an active choice and not an assumption.

2016,
Reading Bluwave's thread was immensely relieving. She once wrote about a year after she started piecing she was driving home while hot tears of anger and grief washed over her face. Her mind went over the horrible things her WH did and how she wasn't sure she could get past it. I felt a BIG breath of relief leave my body. I struggle with that too, am I able to get over this? Will this curdling heat of resentment ever leave me? I am careful not to let it leak into our interactions as it would be counterproductive right now. I don't want to be a single mom and I don't want to inflict divorce on my children's lives. But I didn't want to be married to a man who would lie and cheat on me...twice. So my options are to divorce and move on (with the inevitable collateral damage to the kids) or find a way to be strong enough to overcome my WH's betrayals. The answer still isn't clear. I do know I can't do anything about the past but I can at least influence the now and thus the future.


Journaling; Wh continues to put deposits into my love bank and I try to meet his needs as well. I touch him a lot, cuddle and give words of affirmation with a sprinkle of acts of service. He surprised me by picking me up for lunch today and taking me to a very expensive restaurant. He has to work tonight so this cut into his rest time. We chatted during lunch and laughed a lot. He would reach over and take my hand to kiss it, he says thank you all the time. I ask him why he is thanking me and he says "For being so kind to me." He has started praying his salats again and I see him praying very hard duas afterward. I think the enormity or his actions are starting to sink in. I do not envy the battle he will be fighting internally.

The baby has started to favor him over me, this is very different from the other kids as they were primarily attached to me for the 1st two years. I think the difference is due to the baby being formula fed and thus not completely dependent on me. One of the sad side effects of the stress of my wrecked marriage was my milk drying up prematurely. WH feels absolutely awful for this as I had been able to breastfeed both previous children 2 years each. I was having to supplement by 2 months and later I was making nothing. The upside is the baby can stay overnight with family if WH and I want a weekend getaway.
So when WH comes home the baby makes a beeline to him and clings like a tiny monkey. WH just melts when this happens and will cuddle the baby for hours.

WH touches my face a lot to caress it, something he did in the very beginning of our relationship. He smiles at me and I catch his gaze holding for long periods of time. I find myself gushing in conversations like I used to and have to calm myself down. I tend to talk waaaay too much when excited whereas WH is more reserved and less talkative. I continue to dress nice/sexy around the house and wear light perfume. WH loves to see me dressed nicely and always comments how good I smell. I have been missing gym lately because of work but need to find a way to exercise more consistently again, it has helped immensely with mood and energy.

Friends of ours comment on how happy we appear together. I can honestly say when I am with him, I feel happy. It's when it's quiet and I am not busy that my mind starts to wander back to my anger and resentment. It's like having a worry stone, something you turn over and over in your hand. The edges are rough and uneven, you know the imperfections well but you continue to seek out these details. It's foolish and self defeating but you do it over and over.

[Anchor]

PsySara

You are a total warrior. Your weapons are grace, compassion and forgiveness. I am so inspired by you.

What you said about the answer not being clear, I think given how monumental and wide reaching such a decision is, it necessarily can't be grasped all at once. BluWave advised me recently that things change all the time and I recognise the truth of her words. Situations evolve all the time. This is a transition period.

I would think the answer would be you continue fighting the good fight until you decide you can't anymore. You can file for divorce anytime - today, tomorrow, ten years from now. But you have this valuable window in which to save the marriage - once it closes its much harder to re-open, if possible at all, than deciding to get divorced.

It sounds like you're not just saving the marriage, but making it better. I am so happy for you. Your story is truly inspiring.

[ForGump]

Just want to say I could not do what you're doing.

Your strength to love and endure all that is so clearly unjust and hurtful is superhuman.

[PsySara]

2016,
Thank you so much, I am not sure I deserve all that praise given how many times I have fallen on my face during this process. But I am glad someone can gain some positive experience reading my posts. Previously I had gone into old threads (I reset for most replies and paid attention to signatures for my research) and focused on the ones who gained what they wanted from the process. Interestingly the "success" stories were of both types, divorces and reconciliations. There was a larger reconciliation pool on the male DBers however. I puzzled over this until I realized males tend to be solution focused by nature and view DBing as a tactical guide. It was like reading war strategies then the guys got into the thick of it, entertaining and edifying at the same time.

ForGump,
Honestly it has more to do with my own selfish desires. I want a nuclear family. I want a strong and healthy marriage and will go to the gates of hell for it. I have enormous flaws as does my WH and I have had to do a lot of painful introspection in this process. The fact of the matter is, I have very poor impulse control when it comes to feeling anger and I have to find a way to control it. I am still puzzling over this. Is this rug sweeping or piecing? Sometimes I am 100% sure we are heading towards piecing but then there has been NO talk of the affair or WH's atrocious behavior afterward. So I am left to kind of stumble along. I am in territory I have never been in before.

Journaling...so I continue to validate and do 180s. I have slacked off in the self care so I have to give myself a swift kick and get back in the saddle. I need to stop the excuses and get back to the gym. I need to keep reaching out to my friends who are the most loving and supportive. I need to keep my words soft so it will be easier to eat them. LOL I have another GYN appointment to schedule (3 months pap smears for a year and then 6 months for another year) to check if the HPV is finally gone. I sort of tripped up WH when telling him a joke a comedian said about men not using protection until a disease comes out that makes their penis explode upon insertion. I was giggling hysterically while relaying it but WH looked pensive afterward. Oops.

It is frustrating and upsetting that previously enjoyed jokes are not shadowed by WH affair. I wish the day would come (sooner) when he and I are not so easily triggered.

[Matrix]

"Honestly it has more to do with my own selfish desires. I want a nuclear family. I want a strong and healthy marriage and will go to the gates of hell for it. I have enormous flaws as does my WH and I have had to do a lot of painful introspection in this process. The fact of the matter is, I have very poor impulse control when it comes to feeling anger and I have to find a way to control it. I am still puzzling over this. Is this rug sweeping or piecing? Sometimes I am 100% sure we are heading towards piecing but then there has been NO talk of the affair or WH's atrocious behavior afterward. So I am left to kind of stumble along. I am in territory I have never been in before"


Sara,

I hope you take my comments in the manner that they are intended. I have not shared 90% of my sitch on these forums. Mostly because nobody would believe it. I don't even think Hollywood would buy my story because it is simply too unreal.

I can tell you that based on the above quoted comments, you are MAJORLY rug sweeping. That might be OK for now, but you need a real dose of the reality that is coming.

As you get closer to your WH in the coming weeks, months, maybe years, your anger will grow. The more comfortable that you become with him, the more resentment you are going to have for him. Just ask BluWave or read her threads.

When our WAS are away from us and seem to be out of reach, we would give anything to just have a chance to even begin to piece or reconcile. But the truth is, once they do come back, the anger, bitterness and resentment starts to grow.

In order for this to be a true reconciliation, your WH needs to pour open and be remorseful. He needs to be able to answer any question that you have. If you both just go through the motions and try to the next day, you will not make it.

I am not telling you that you need to confront him or put a bunch of pressure on him, but you really need to to rip this whole thing open at some point. If you rug sweep for the sake of "saving your nuclear family", you will go crazy and be miserable.

The only thing that I would honestly advise against is asking for details. I think most of the time the man wants all of the details about his wife's affair. Whereas, women don't really need all of the details about their husbands affair. They are usually more concerned weather he loved her or not.

Just be careful if you want to know details about times, places, positions, etc. Once you know these things, you can't unknow them and they will stay with you for life.

Hang in there and don't make any sudden moves to scare the squirrel off. But please read everything I wrote and take it to heart. I have been through it and it was the worst hell I could have ever imagined.

[PsySara]

Let me clarify, I know all the ends and outs of the affair. The main problem is when the affair came up in the past the conversation would spiral into an ugly argument and sometimes divorce would be the end discussion. (both he and I have done that at different times) After this last big fight in December WH said he would looking for a lawyer and then I started the LRT. WH came back and asked to start piecing. I haven't brought up the affair as I am trying to build our relationship back so that we are stable enough to discuss the affair without it wrecking us. But at some point I need to see he has done hard core introspection and can discuss this with me.