Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

[CT1118]

I have to catch myself when I sense myself sliding into my old behaviors. WH is still very delicate around me, as if he is afraid my behavior will flip again. I understand this and will continue to work on my anger/rage issues. I need to do this for me and for my family.

I could have said that of myself. Your words earlier about how much there is to learn and gain within ourselves via this mud-puddle we find ourselves in are so true.

Peace unto you Sara.

[Painter]

Sara, I have followed your last thread and wanted to let you know that I'm cheering you on from behind my laptop screen.

I so hope that you will come through this and continue on this wonderful path you are on!

(((((Sara)))))

[PsySara]

CT,
I think this terrible and profound journey has made me look very hard at myself. I had some truly awful maladaptive coping mechanisms and serious anger issues. I thought I had them under control but my WH's affair had me regressing and resuming past behaviors. I feel deep shame thinking of how I reacted following BD #1.

Painter,
Thank you so much for the cheer leading! It's great to know there are people supporting the piecing process.

I had to come home late today as I was dealing with a delicate situation at work. It really drained me and triggered some of the feeling surrounding the affair. WH was getting ready for work when I got home, he was dealing with a bad headache too. He asked me about my day and I told him some of the details. He looked pensive and asked how I was doing, I told him I would be alright. He was running late so he couldn't really chat so we said goodnight and I took care of the kids and he left.

Today was a hard day, I still wait for remorse to show one day. WH has these moments where he looks down and I see his mind swirling but I am not sure what he's actually thinking. I wish I could talk to a recovered WS and ask them what made it sink in? I ask myself when does waiting on WH to be ready to face the affair turn into rug sweeping? I avoid talking about OW and the affair right now so I can give us time to start feeling positive emotions. I am able to feel love for him, to feel warmth and desire. I can feel regret and sorrow for the pain I've caused him in the past. He says ILY and had been asking what I need. I just sense he isn't ready to hear the honest answer of what I will need to fully rebuild our M, I need to see he realizes that the affair was 100% on him, that his behavior before and afterward were awful and not justifiable. I want a deep felt apology and I need to hear it more than once. Interestingly enough I no longer feel the rage and anger when I think about him not expressing remorse yet. I just feel so sad. I feel sad that I will know that he shared something sacred and special with another woman while I was completely unaware. That he proposed to her and was excited when she said yes. My heart...it's literally physically and emotionally broken. I do think we could have a beautiful marriage, better than before. But I am not sure if WH will ever have the ability to face the monster he became during the affair. The question is, can I accept that?

Of course this all mental ruminations as I am just raw from triggering events today. Tomorrow is a new day and I will probably be better after a good night's rest.

[skyhigh]

Hi Sara,

Take good care of you, sleep is important.
I agree our journeys are parallel, I am just a few months ahead, reading your story is making me look back at my own story.

I am doing quite well right now in comparison of the craziness of those past 3 years, I feel an internal peace, it's quite difficult to describe.
I have been able to stop those resentment thoughts, I still do think from time to time about what happened but my mind doesn't stay on it and move on on something else.

Will our piecing be successful and can I live with somebody who betrayed and lied to me so many times? I truly don't know but strangely it doesn't affect me that much, may be because I know I can be OK without him.

They have their journey we have ours. We changed so much.

[james17]

Today was a hard day, I still wait for remorse to show one day. WH has these moments where he looks down and I see his mind swirling but I am not sure what he's actually thinking. I wish I could talk to a recovered WS and ask them what made it sink in? I ask myself when does waiting on WH to be ready to face the affair turn into rug sweeping? I avoid talking about OW and the affair right now so I can give us time to start feeling positive emotions. I am able to feel love for him, to feel warmth and desire. I can feel regret and sorrow for the pain I've caused him in the past. He says ILY and had been asking what I need. I just sense he isn't ready to hear the honest answer of what I will need to fully rebuild our M, I need to see he realizes that the affair was 100% on him, that his behavior before and afterward were awful and not justifiable. I want a deep felt apology and I need to hear it more than once. Interestingly enough I no longer feel the rage and anger when I think about him not expressing remorse yet. I just feel so sad. I feel sad that I will know that he shared something sacred and special with another woman while I was completely unaware. That he proposed to her and was excited when she said yes. My heart...it's literally physically and emotionally broken. I do think we could have a beautiful marriage, better than before. But I am not sure if WH will ever have the ability to face the monster he became during the affair. The question is, can I accept that?

Hi PsySara,

I am a wayward husband who realized his error and is trying to reform. I'm not qualified to give advice, but you asked for someone's perspective as the recovered WS, and I hope that my story can help.

In my case, my wife and I fought all the time, we both grew up in tough environments and had issues. But it was me that had an emotional affair when I traveled. I came back and told me wife I wanted a divorce, and when she wanted to work on things, I was mean and yelled at her. She also blamed me for a lot of things, and yelled at me as well. But for the most part, I was in a fog and cruel to her. A few things she did lifted the fog a little bit. She started being nicer to me, and moved out to live with her family for a few months. We still stayed in contact every day on Skype. she said she wanted to stay friends. when she said she regretted some of the things she did to make our marriage difficult, my heart softened a little more. However, even when I was alone, and had pushed away all my friends and family in a downward spiral of shame and guilt, I was in a fog. Eventually she moved on, and was interested in another man. I was jealous, but again, I still didn't think I wanted to be with her. Finally, when I went to a meditation retreat, I realized what an a$$ I had been and begged her forgiveness, crying, trying to change. She never forgave me, and was still angry, persecuting me while we tried to piece together our marriage. I tried to do everything I could to make her happy, but i think she didn't see enough and it was too late, and still couldn't forgive me and eventually left me for OM. Not sure if this means she is WW now or just gone. Anyways, after she left, I began to get therapy, taking a hard look at myself, and started doing a lot of inner work to try to be a better person. I think perhaps this is the level of reform and repentance that you are perhaps looking for. So I think at the end of it, I think that two things that really helped push me into reform were: 1. her showing detached kindness to me 2. her moving on for real, so that I had to fend for myself
every situation is different, and in other situations, these might have the opposite of intended affect, but this is what pushed me. it was a long road for me. (1.5 years) anyways, hope that helps. you seem like a really kind and strong person. I hope it all works out for you.

[Anchor]

James,

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I wish my WH had the amount of self awareness you must now have in your pinkie toe. Thanks for sharing the WH mindset, it's so valuable and helpful.

PsySara,

You totally rock! I'm sorry you've had a down day recently but I just wanted to say I think you're amazing. The focus, dedication and strength you've displayed on your journey - wow. You've been fighting a war and you're winning, even if you have to sit down once in a while.

At the start of my journey, I read about standing and I was so desperate to save my marriage I thought, yeah, I'll do this no problems. 9 months later and I've more or less given up. I think I would feel better about trying if I could at least see WH more frequently, but I see him for maybe 5-10 mins 2 or 3 times a week. While OW is wrapped up in him body and soul. I've been reading your thread over and over again, and it's sustained me while I could keep going, and I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. Keep up the good fight.

[ForGump]

James -- wow. Thanks.

[J5K]

Sara,

The anger/rage control is critical. We are not that person when we first date someone yet somehow tend to gravitate to poor habits. You are doing well and have made significant progress in controlling the rage.

Whether a person is piecing or D'd...the feeling of sadness is another stage for the LBS. I no longer feel anger or rage towards my XW for what she did, I feel sad that she and I contributed to breaking up a family. I feel sad that she had to look elsewhere for her needs and that we had difficulty communicating.

D'd or reconciling, the A will be a blip in time and the expectation of the LBS wanting the WW/WH to feel remorse will not matter.

Keep fighting! I am on your side!

(((Sara)))

[PsySara]

James,
Thank you so much for your insight, I have be re-reading your post and trying to see how it can be applied in my situation. I feel like WH just doesn't have the strength to face his demons yet. In the meantime we are moving more towards piecing, I still don't have the courage to put it in my signature though.

2016,
Are you forcing yourself out of your house? Engaging with friends and DBing your relationships with folks you aren't married to? This was the key to my detaching, I filled up my time with those who love me and KNOW it. Don't give up, it's not over until it over. Go to BluWave's thread and take a leaf from her book. Her WH left her for the OW and lived with her for about a year I believe. He came back but inly after Blu finally and truly moved on.

JK,
Thank you so much for your words, they are very encouraging. I have noticed I am more patient with my children, my WH and my friends. This DBing process has taught me a LOT about myself and continues to do so.

So a big 180 for me yesterday, I took WH to the Ducati dealership and helped him pick out a bike. He exchanged one of his bikes and got a great deal. Recently I bought a shop vac on his Amazon account and spent yesterday evening detailing the inside of the family van and my car. WH was in the garage and looking over his new toy. He kept thanking me over and over again though it was his money he spent. It's so weird but I had a great time detailing the vehicles and was all cheerful and spunky.

Tonight I plan on surprising him with an early Valentine's day gift in the bedroom.