I spend way too much time dwelling on the what ifs. Guess I'm not the only one. And thoughts of this should not be ending this way. And guilt, a lot of guilt.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Ive been dating my new partner for almost a year and a half and we've been living together for almost a year. My kids are calling her a 'stepmom' to their friends, even though they know that to be a 'stepmom' your parent actually has to be married to them - Im guessing that they just dont know what other label to use. Weve talked extensively about relationships and their meaning and I know that we have a very strong foundation, common beliefs on most major issues and I believe the long term risk of infidelity is extremely low. We are both very transparent - she has no lock on her phone and I have one (for work) but she knows the password and has a fingerprint stored.
That said, how do you know when it's time to take the next step? I got burned in my first marriage pretty badly. Im not sure that being 'married' at this point would really change much day-to-day for me, her, or my children. Im really not sure what another day, week, month, year or decade would change. So how do you know? What sign(s) do you look for?
That said, how do you know when it's time to take the next step? I got burned in my first marriage pretty badly. Im not sure that being 'married' at this point would really change much day-to-day for me, her, or my children. Im really not sure what another day, week, month, year or decade would change. So how do you know? What sign(s) do you look for?
Very, very difficult questions. Signs? I know of none, really. Being burned really brings out the trust issues in us all...sometimes it sends us down the dark path, and others it makes us much more cautious.
However, the only one that can answer those questions is you. The first question is do you want to get married?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Honestly, I really don't have a desire to get married again, as in I don't NEED it. But if it was important to a partner and I know I want to share the rest of my life with them, then I would.
- no, it isnt particularly important to her. I dont think our relationship would really change much either way. - that said, it isnt really that important to me either to have the title of being married.
That said, there are two big reasons why I want think it would be beneficial: 1) My ex is re-married already and while the new spouse isnt incredibly involved with my kids, there are some various events that I feel awkward inviting my partner to that I cant really stop him from attending because of the title. For example, my kids parent teacher conferences - I cant block their stepdad but I feel weird inviting my partner because of that title thing. So I think to give some...legitimacy to the relationship with my kids, the title has some meaning. 2) While she is employed, she doesnt have health insurance through the employer. So, almost $5K a year is being thrown away on an extra health insurance plan that isnt really any good. My coverage wouldnt change with her added.
Neither of these are good reasons by themselves to get married. But maybe help in case of a...'tie'?
The biggest negative is the financial implications. Im still on the hook with my ex for SS and CS for some time. I cant really afford another set of payments or another division of wealth. I feel like Im just starting to get back on my feet after around 2 years of financial backsliding.
Shout out to my ex, you're really quite the man You made my heart break and that made me who I am Here's to my ex, hey, look at me now, well, I I'm all the way up, I swear you'll never bring me down
Heard this song the other day, and while some of the lyrics are pretty rough, I really appreciate this chorus.
So, thanks, ex, for giving me the motivation and the time to become who I always should have been.
So, every now and again, my partner notices me reading on this site on my phone. I dont tend to post much using my phone because it's a pain, but I do find it interesting to read.
Weve had several discussions now about what we want out of the future, and while I expect that we will get married, I am still somewhat more of the 'jaded' one. While I am hearing things like "Ill never cheat on you" or "I dont see why we wouldnt be together forever", in my head, I feel that those absolutes are not so meaningful. Having gone through it once before after hearing those kinds of words, it's difficult to believe it 100%. Do I think we'll be together in 20 years? Sure! But Ive lost that ability to love 'innocently'.
Circling back around, my partner is worried that reading and posting on here helps to reinforce that belief. That hearing all of the sad stories posted in the Newcomers section taints my opinions on love and relationship. That being here is somehow hurting my ability to be 100% "in" our relationship.
Ive given that some thought over the past several months as to why I still read and post. I find there are three main reasons that I think there is still value for me to be here: 1) I gained so much from the posters here over the years. I feel like I want to share that knowledge. Nothing makes me happier than seeing people Ive helped experience positive results in their relationship or their life.
2) I know that Im continuing to learn about myself and about relationships. Even though I dont really post much about my detailed goings-on, I still read and write and it helps to reinforce my beliefs.
3) It helps remind me of where Ive been and helps to make the changes that I made 'stick'.
Sometimes I wonder if it may be better to step away and stop investing myself in all of these "stories". I figure that when it's the right time for me to step away, Ill know.
Good morning DB-land. Some random thoughts Ive been having that I just want to get down on paper to give them life.
In case anybody doesnt know anything about me, I am divorced. Ive been separated/divorced a few years now. Im dating again and have been seeing an amazing lady for about 2 years. She lives with me and my kids when I have them.
I still have many moments where I ponder the end days of my marriage. The few months of time leading up to BD through to when we separated and the time after that. I wouldnt say Im living with the regrets anymore that I used to feel. The feelings of "what if I had done X or Y instead of P or Q? Would that have mattered?" Frankly, I dont care much about that anymore. I know where I made mistakes, I know why I made them, and Im working to not repeat them. Im excited for the path Im on and Im not stuck in a loop wishing I could go back.
The one feeling I AM struggling with now is that thought of self-value. Cognitively, I know that the reasons my ex didnt want to work together to repair the relationship were hers. They werent about me, or who I was. But it still hurts knowing that my best wasnt good enough. And that feeling clouds my future judgments. Will I be good enough next time? How can I prevent going through the pain again? Am I doomed to repeat the same loops? I know what I can and cant control. And to put the faith in someone else is the only way to have a good relationship. It's just a difficult process to let go of those fears.
