I've never posted over in this forum, but I'm kinda thinking maybe this is where my thread(s) should really be.
For those who don't know, here's the basics. Married almost 15 years with 2 smallish children. My ex and I separated in early 2015 for a variety of reasons. Came to find out about AP later in the year. D finalized in late 2015. I started dating right around when the D was finalized. My ex married AP shortly after the divorce. I'm now with a new partner and have been together almost a year and a half and have lived together for about a year. Custody of the two kids is split 50/50.
On to the point of this posting.
I know that I still carry a lot of guilt about the way I acted in my marriage. I believe that we had many issues on both sides of the street. Some from each individual and some as us as a pair. I know in my heart that our marriage should not have ended in divorce. With enough education on methods for improving communication, understanding what we each needed out of our lives, and paying better attention to each other's LLs, we could have made an awesome team.
That said, I am NOT upset with where life has taken me. I'm incredibly grateful for the new friends I've made through GAL, for the things I've learned about relationships, and for the way my new R has progressed. I know that my overall happiness level is higher than at any point in my M.
And yet, I know that I still harbor guilt and remorse about how everything played out. I hate "being divorced", I hate the message my kids have received, and I especially hate all of the milestones I miss out on by only having 50% time. The path is what it is and I'm making the best of it as I can. I'm just not sure how to let go of the guilt and the what-ifs. I keep thinking that the demons of the divorce will lessen over time, but I still remember all of the lowlights with such clarity. Anyone have any good thoughts or ideas?
none of us are perfect, and we all learn along the way. Hindight vision is 20/20, we also know that.
You are harboring guilt and remorse about something that you cannot change. The best you can do is realize that you are happy now and your exW has found her happy. Yes, it hurts to have to split time with the kids. You may have feelings of guilt and remorse, but you can't carry that for her not being willing to do what it takes to heal the marriage. It's not yours ot own at all.
So what "what-if" are you holding onto? Is it a what-if you had control over? or is it a what-if that would have come about something your wife only had control over?
I lived with a lot of what-if's too. I knew my ex was a bastard. (pardon my language, but he is). I knew it when I married him, but I was in such a crappy place in my life, anything that appeared to be love I was holding on to. Then I willingly had a child with said bastard. She is the best thing in the world to ever happen to me, but I harbor a lot of guilt knowing I chose this man as my daughter's father.
But there I can't go back in time. So I just march on and learn for the future. You seem to be doing the same. You will let go of it in time, I am pretty sure of that.
For a little proletariat boy, I've led a charmed life. Until my separation and divorce, I never really had to deal with any true hardships or difficulties. My marital woes taught me that, even in the worst of circumstances, I can choose to be happy and move forward with the confidence that I won't fall apart the minute that things don't go as I'd planned or expected. And, sometimes not getting what I want is for the better.
My marital woes taught me that, even in the worst of circumstances, I can choose to be happy and move forward with the confidence that I won't fall apart the minute that things don't go as I'd planned or expected. And, sometimes not getting what I want is for the better.
^This
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
As usual, those who posted before me said it best, but I agree with Ginger about what-ifs...I think we all live with those. Like you, I HATED the word "divorced" when I first got one. It took me awhile to actually be able to say it out loud. But we all learn how to deal with it in our own time and in our own way. Welcome to this neck of the woods and best of luck.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
So what "what-if" are you holding onto? Is it a what-if you had control over? or is it a what-if that would have come about something your wife only had control over?
No. Nothing at all that I have control over. Stuff from multiple years past.
What if I hadnt said this or done that? What if I had done this other thing instead? Nothing really specific. Just a lot of the bad decisions I made and wishing I would have made better choices.
The kicker is that I know it wouldnt make a lick of difference, even if I did change some of those choices. I was building a house with the wrong tools. Getting lucky and putting a dozen nails in place correctly isnt going to let the house stand permanently anyway. The house needed to fall down so that I could learn what I needed in order to build it correctly.
It's more that I remember those moments in time and the choices I made and re-feel that pain. The memories are still so vivid and the wound still feels so fresh sometimes.
I think Im ultimately just venting. I dont want my ex back. I dont want to change where my life is. I mostly just need to figure out how to train my brain to stay focused on the positives.
My marital woes taught me that, even in the worst of circumstances, I can choose to be happy and move forward with the confidence that I won't fall apart the minute that things don't go as I'd planned or expected. And, sometimes not getting what I want is for the better.
^This
I know now that Im a lot more resilient than I ever would have given myself credit for.
That said, I hate the way I acted in the 1-2 months pre and post BD. I will never be THAT person again. Whiny, clingy, needy, obsessive. It was a total clown-show. If my ex wasnt walking out the door anyway, my behavior would have been the final straw anyway.
It's those times I think back and wish I had more courage, more strength, and more self-respect. That is certainly not me; I will never be that person again.
I know now that Im a lot more resilient than I ever would have given myself credit for.
That said, I hate the way I acted in the 1-2 months pre and post BD. I will never be THAT person again. Whiny, clingy, needy, obsessive. It was a total clown-show. If my ex wasnt walking out the door anyway, my behavior would have been the final straw anyway.
Funny how time has a way of clarifying things. But, at the time we were only doing what we knew how to do it and to the best of our abilities. Let's face it, we all either are - or did - hanging on as tight as we can in the hopes that person would change their mind, so we did the only thing we knew to do. No fault or shame in that. We were desperately trying to hold on to our marriages.
I know for sure I wish I had more courage, strength, etc... The good thing is that it gave/gives us the opportunity to make the fixes within ourselves.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
That is certainly not me; I will never be that person again.
Kaizen,
I feel the same way. I can't return to doormat doodler.
I saw an interview with Paul Newman a few years before his death. The interviewer showed him a picture of himself when he was in his mid-thirties. Paul Newman said, "I don't even know that man; I don't know who he is." I understood that Paul Newman was saying that he's changed over the years, but now I really understand what Paul Newman was saying.
I feel the same way. I can't return to doormat doodler.
I can't be the doormat Jeep, either. Interesting thing was, when the doormat Jeep left, the ex was taken aback...then she claimed this "newfound strength" was an attack against her. Sigh. FML haha
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
