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clarification to ^: I was the WW in my first marriage. The lowest (next to this episode) point in my life.

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Originally Posted By: KevinIn
What's the success rate for the divorce busting strategy?

I've spent the weekend reading through this message board and see a lot of mixed stories. Lots of people who separated, got back together, separated again, and often divorced. I also some a few that seemed to work out well.

What i was doing was clearly not working, so there's no reason for me not to try this. But, does it work?


I'll step in, here. Honestly? I'd be willing to bet that the success rate is low, judging by what is seen here. One has to remember that, more often that not, is that the BD/separation/divorce/etc is years in the making and by then the damage is irreparable.

I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, because there are success stories here showing it. Its just that the failures far outweigh the successes.

Sometimes they just realize they aren't in love with us anymore and want out. Sometimes its our own fault as we stopped doing what won them in the first place. Sometimes they are just so broken that nothing would have worked. Regardless, by the time they reach this stage its over for them.

Which leads to this point - many (including me) have tried to hold on for selfish reasons, hoping that whatever we do would bring them back. Kind of like the butterfly analogy - close your hand around it and it kills it...open your hand and give it a safe place to land, well it may or may not choose to land again. But that means letting go, totally. More often than not, they don't alight again on our hands. But our hands must be open in the first place.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Did the therapist that specializes in marriage therapy ok this separation? Because when a wayward spouse suggests separation so they can "figure themselves out" what they're really saying is I'm going to pursue a relationship with someone else.


The therapist was against it too, but she kept telling me that "you always want to fix things your way and this is what i think i need." The therapist gave us ground rules and goals which I've followed. However, she's broken them all.

We are having a 1 month check in early next week. I'm still trying to figure out my strategy for this, with a few options:

1. Beat her to the punch and preemptively say that i need one more month, and give little other info. Essentially reinforce the LRT. This was my DB coach's recommendation.

2. Ask if she followed the rules, and if not, then say the break didnt work and we should not do it anymore. This is what she would expect me to do.

3. Have a conversion about if the minth was helpful and then i would suggest one more month.


I think that the break has somehow made things worse. She seems more distant and has a bigger wall. She also feela that she can handle parenting by herself, but this is mainly because her parents have been helping her during the break (they are enabling her).

Any thoughts on this?


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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What is your definition of success?


Me-70, D37,S36
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
What is your definition of success?


My immediate, short term measure is that she genuinely wants to try to fix things.

As of 4 weeks ago, she said "i do not want to try to fix things" and she has spent the time since doing things that definitely dont help (e.g. talking to the other guy).


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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Things take time, and four weeks in the scheme of things isn't time.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Things take time, and four weeks in the scheme of things isn't time.


I completely agree. Im more than willing to be patient and take time.

My bigger concern is what i should say and do in the meeting so that i dont make things worse, and possibly make a tiny, little baby step towards progress.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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If it were me, I'd let the MC do the talking and just answer questions honestly (those about you, that is). Trying to "force" her into an answer or putting her on the spot will have a negative effect. I've been there. A good MC (good as in ones that actively work on saving marriages) will seek the answers you wish in their own way. Mine was excellent like that...however, my ex lied during our sessions so I'm not exactly sure.

Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do. Just answer honestly. For your own self, not her.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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I echo what Jeep says...and hopefully the MC is actually wanting to help you save your M. My W used our MC sessions as divorce facilitation from the second meeting. Finally I caught on what she was doing and decided to end the sessions. She moved out and filed in November...3 months after BD. She had her mind made up from the get go...I think. No real desire to work things out.

I pray that your path is shown to you. You are not alone in this fight. She is battling demons that you know nothing about. Try and let go even more and see what happens. You can only control you.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Originally Posted By: TxHubby
Did the therapist that specializes in marriage therapy ok this separation? Because when a wayward spouse suggests separation so they can "figure themselves out" what they're really saying is I'm going to pursue a relationship with someone else. I'd like you to hang around as my plan B in case it doesn't work out. Ask yourself if you like being plan B? I promise you this. She won't respect a man who is ok being plan B and no one can love a person they don't respect.


In Michele's book, and also in the LRT newsletter, she says "you need to give your partner some space" - isnt a break a ton of space?


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
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