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Chris73 Offline OP
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Thanks Gordie.

Despite this, it was a good evening overall. My wife cooked a fantastic dinner. Steaks (I grilled them) with mushrooms, shrimp, Brussels sprouts, and heart shaped pasta with butter and cheese. I brought home dessert. Kids were in good spirits. We all had a good time. Felt like normal.

At the end of the night I said, "I'm going to watch some TV in the living room if you want to join me." She did. We talked for a bit and then watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (which is always good for a laugh) before going to bed. We haven't done that in months.

Every day I get a little better at letting go of what my life used to be like and just enjoying what it is now. Last night was hard though, but I kept a smile on my face and a spring in my step.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
Steaks (I grilled them) with mushrooms, shrimp, Brussels sprouts, and heart shaped pasta with butter and cheese. I brought home dessert.


Chris73,

You're evil. Even so, I'm glad you had a good evening. But, next time tell us that you had Spam and cauliflower.

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Hi Chris73,
I'm new to the website yesterday, but as I've read back through your thread, I just wanted you to know that so much of what you've said there gave me such encouragement in my own daily struggle. I'm sorry your Valentine's night left you feeling a little blue. It's a hard day to be heart hurting. But the meal does sound delicious! Keep hanging on.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Chris73 - sounds like you and I are on slightly similar paths - although in my case W has opened the door stating that her A is over, but on the other hann we are still physically separated. We have definitely been growing as "friends" over the last 6 weeks and did have the opportunity to hold her hand this past weekend but not so sure she was completely "on board" with it.

You brought up a good reminder that I haven't exactly been practicing - avoid the problem solving right now - so glad I came across your post.

Keep up the good work - I think being friends but with boundaries can only help.

V-Day sucked for me too... but it sucked last year too.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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Chris73 Offline OP
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PacLove. Glad to hear that your sitch is improving. It's really tough work we're doing. For me, putting our problems on a shelf and focusing on reconnecting has been the best thing I've ever done. I can't say that I'm fully detached, my thoughts and behaviors are still emotionally attached to the where/what/why of my W's behaviors. But I'm getting better.

In my particular situation, detaching doesn't necessarily equate to disconnecting or going dark. My W and I still live together, at first I chose to see that as a burden, the constant reminder of everything I had lost. This made me bitter and resentful. So I pulled back, kept my contact and conversations with her to a minimum, and made an effort to ensure that we rarely occupied the same space in the house when the kids weren't around. The problem with this is that from my W's perspective it was just "more of the same" behavior from me that she had been putting up with for years.

Once the holidays were over I did a lot of soul searching and decided to see the "separated but still living together" situation as an advantage. Many of the things I'm doing these days to try to reconnect with my W would be impossible if we were physically separated. And I've noticed a difference in her mood in just a couple of weeks.

We may never reconcile, but it won't be for a lack of trying on my part. And regardless of what happens we have to be nice to each other for the sake of our kids. So that's enough incentive for me right now.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Chris73,

I've been following you closely...love your progress reports and what you are doing...keep it up...

You've noticed a difference in her mood? How does this show in her actions?

How does your change in behavior affect your mood (independent of your W)?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: Chris73

Once the holidays were over I did a lot of soul searching and decided to see the "separated but still living together" situation as an advantage. Many of the things I'm doing these days to try to reconnect with my W would be impossible if we were physically separated. And I've noticed a difference in her mood in just a couple of weeks.


I think had I chosen to do this instead of pursue and snoop early enough we probably would have avoided physical separation - unfortunately I was too wrecked emotionally at the time to completely pull back and the wheels were in motion for her already to move out. I was convinced of the A and was trying to do everything possible to prove it to her that I knew.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted By: PacLove
I think had I chosen to do this instead of pursue and snoop early enough we probably would have avoided physical separation

I'm with you 100% man. I was a snooping maniac for quite a while after the A was revealed. Eventually my W got tired of it and pulled further away. The information I got from snooping was circumstantial and certainly didn't make me feel any better. Information and trust are two different things.

I swore off ALL snooping only a few weeks ago. There wasn't much left to snoop, my W changed all her pwds. But I was still doing things like looking in her purse, looking through her closets and jewelry drawers, and being all consumed with where she was when she wasn't home. I still catch myself doing these things and try to stop immediately.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
You've noticed a difference in her mood? How does this show in her actions?

Little things. The hostile environment in the house has been totally defused. She smiles at me more. Her tone of voice has changed on the phone. We always say good night to each other. She has been sharing more with me about what she's up to when she goes out. She's been doing more things for me than before. One night I came home a little earlier than she expected and she and the kids had started dinner late and were still sitting at the table. Without me asking she got up and fixed me a plate. Again, it's all little things, but they add up. If you consider the "emotional bank account" theory, small gestures hold just as much weight as large ones. And perhaps small gestures are better because you can do them more frequently.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
How does your change in behavior affect your mood (independent of your W)?

This is the biggest change. Way more than the dynamic between the two of us. Putting our problems on the shelf lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I still experience bouts of melancholy related to my sitch (Valentine's Day night was a good example), but generally my mood has evened out and I typically have a skip in my step. Time will tell how long this will last, but I'm going with it for now. Enjoying what I have instead of stressing over what I've lost and/or might never get back.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Good for you for stopping the snooping - I too was obsessed for a while, it's really hard to pull away... and yes it definitely pushes them away further. I only wish I could rewind and do it all over again, but content with where I am now as I've taken the time off/separated to really work on myself, which I may not have done had she stuck around.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 469
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Chris73 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: PacLove
I've taken the time off/separated to really work on myself, which I may not have done had she stuck around.

This is the paradox that's hard to live with. I never in a million years would have wanted it to come to this, but there may have been no other way for me to see what I really needed to do to change and make the changes stick.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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