Same Sitch. New Approach. Motivated. Feeling Good.

[Chris73]

Hi All. Just a quick post looking for some encouragement.

Things have been going well between my W and me. We had a good weekend with many friendly encounters. But I'm too eager to take this momentum as an indicator to push for more or go faster, and I know that would be a huge mistake. Meanwhile, it feels like months have passed since I started trying this new approach to my saving my marriage and yet it's only been a couple weeks and I'm exhausted! And despite having a long list of things to do that will distract me from my sitch, this morning I'm just not motivated to do any of it. I haven't slept well the past few nights and this is obviously contributing to my slump.

I'm also very worried about my W. A couple weeks ago she found a lump under her upper arm. Many years ago she had one in the same spot. A biopsy revealed it as benign and it was removed. Today she is going for an ultrasound to get more information on this new lump. I know she's really scared (as am I), and I'm trying to find the right way to support her through this.

This is really the hardest I've ever worked at something and I'm happy that I'm making progress. I guess it's just the Monday morning blues. I know I need to snap out of it, but I felt like venting and you folks on the board are my only outlet at the moment.

[Gordie]

Chris,

You are doing great! I know this is exhausting to keep going so do try and take some breaks for yourself away from the situation--even if for a few hours.

I'm sorry about your W. Have you asked your W if she would like you to go with her? Have you read txhubby? I think the same thing happened to his W and it led to their R.

[Chris73]

Thanks Gordie. I did ask her a few times over the past couple of weeks if she wanted me to go with her to the Dr and she's always said no. She would've said no even if we had a normal happy marriage. She's very stubborn and guards her emotions. I wrestled with the idea that I should just be aggressive and go with her, but I think that would do more harm than good. It wouldn't be respectful of her wishes.

I just went back a looked over my notes. It's only been 17 days since I decided to put the problems aside and start reconnecting. How could I expect that anything could change that quickly? I must be nuts!!

I'll search through txhubby's posts and see if I can find anything related to this.

[Gordie]

Txhubby - it's in his initial posts from years ago when he is introducing his situation (he came here already reconciled).

[PsySara]

Hey Chris,
I also experienced the desire to rush in the beginning. With me I would sabotage by demanding shows of remorse when WH was still deciding if he wanted to even be IN our marriage. I think I had at least three false starts before I started getting it right. Like you, I would go over my notes and pay attention to the dates and marvel how it felt like forever and would only be weeks.

This is a marathon, brother. Make sure you talk to your friends, spend sometime just yapping about whatever is your zen. You need these moments to replenish your batteries, this is not a sport for the meek. But the good news is, it's largely successful if you have the endurance and the strength to build yourself into a better person.

[Chris73]

Thanks PsySara. I have to admit that I've had more false starts than I can count. But this time it seems to be really sticking. My mistakes have been fewer and less detrimental to my progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm up against a deadline... my W mentioned that she wanted to wait until after the school year was over before we made any more changes to our relationship. But deep down I know that I can't control whether or not she decides to file when the summer comes.

I do see changes in my W's behavior. Not necessarily related to her feeling differently about me, but I have to believe that the change that I have made is affecting her at least a little bit. One thing I've noticed is that she's starting to calm down a little bit with the whole "girls gone wild" thing. Coming home a little earlier. Not drinking as much (thank God!). Complaining to me about how some of her girlfriends are a little too out of control.

She even suspended her Facebook account today because "it was too much" and she was "spending too much time on it". Now of course there are plenty of OTHER reasons why she would suspend her Facebook account and don't think I haven't obsessed over them (like I do with everything else). But I'm finding out these days that obsessing about things I can't change only distracts me from my goals. So I try to snap myself out of it as often as I can.

Last night after work my W went to a painting class with friends that I consider a bit more stable (although, what the h3ll do I know right?). She got home at a reasonable hour, came downstairs to show me what she painted and then said goodnight. None of these actions were necessary, but I'm encouraged that she's reacting somewhat positively to my efforts to re-connect.

Today will be a bit odd considering it's Hallmark holiday about love. But she told me she was cooking and invited me to come home in time to join her and the kids. I had the kids make her Valentine's Day cards, and there's one from me too but it's not romantic in the least, just funny. The one thing I can always count on is that I can make her laugh.

So we'll see how that goes tonight. I'm looking forward to a nice sit-down meal with the family.

[Chris73]

Oh, btw. My W's ultrasound came back negative of anything suspicious. So there's something to celebrate!

[Gordie]

Great news on the positive developments and your W's health! Telling you her other friends are too much? That one really stuck out to me. Enjoy your V day with your family.

[Chris73]

I just want to take a moment to say that this $hit is effed up!

It's Valentine's Day and my beautiful wife, who I would go to the ends of the earth for, is sleeping alone upstairs while I sit down here posting on a divorce discussion board.

1 year ago today she posted the following on my FB page:

"Happy Valentine's Day to the best husband and father a girl could ask for. I love you to the moon and back."

What a difference a year makes!

Ok, pity party over. Good night.

[Gordie]

Dude...that just makes my heart break for you...so effed up!