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Previous Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2725003

Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a while and my last thread hit 10 pages last week so I figured I'd start a new thread. Those of you new to my sitch will probably find it difficult to catch up so I'll recap below, but if you have the time, my previous threads have a lot of wisdom imparted by the vets on this board so they're worth reading.

My signature pretty much sums up the timeline of my sitch.

I discovered my W's affair at the end of May 2016. At the time she was remorseful and was very adamant about saving the marriage. What followed was 5 months of me doing all the wrong things (begging, reasoning, sales-pitching, pursuing, spying, controlling) which pushed my W (who was already on the fence about our future) to the side of giving up on the M.

I continued to spy and uncovered more and more circumstantial evidence that she was hiding interactions with other men from me. Each time I found something new, I would confront her again. And each confrontation just made her more angry and resentful. We decided to separate, but I refused to leave the house. At that point the marriage declined into a limbo status and has remained there every since.

The holidays and a trip to Disney came and went, we shared some good times but also some harsh words and difficult discussions. By the 3rd week of this month (January) I had decided that I'd had enough. I was committed to the idea of giving my wife an ultimatum of "If you can't $hit or get off the pot, I will make your decision for you and file for divorce." I mulled over this ultimatum for a couple days and flip-flopped on whether or not it was a good idea about 100 times.

In the end, I changed my mind about the ultimatum and decided to take a more positive stand. So I asked her if we could put all of our problems aside for now and just focus on reconnecting as friends, for the sake of maintaining a low-conflict environment for our kids. She agreed, and things have been MUCH better between us ever since.

At the moment she still feels like a divorce is best for us. She's given me the speeches about how "people come in and out of your life for different reasons" and how "kids are resilient" and how "I'm not looking to cheat you out of anything. I want everything to be amicable." I've learned to listen to her more and not try to interject in the middle of her thought. I'm trying to validate more too.

So for the past week I've been taking a different approach. I greet her with a friendly smile and an enthusiastic "good morning" each day. When we interact it's usually brief and our conversations are mostly logistical, but I try to make time to tell a quick funny story, tell a joke, or relay something that I saw or read that I know she'd be interested in. I'm also trying some subtle unilateral touching, usually my hand on her upper back or shoulder for a brief second or two. So far she hasn't pulled away or looked at me strangely when I do it.

My GAL is in full swing too. On Monday I drove down to Atlantic City after work and stayed overnight. I don't gamble at all, but I love just hanging out at the pool and going out to eat and drink. My W and I used to do this 2-3 times a year so I decided that shouldn't deny myself the fun even though my W wouldn't come with me this time. Tonight I have an appt to get a new tattoo. It's a Superman logo that will go on my inner forearm. The idea spawned from my daughter calling me "Superman" one day. Now, every time I turn my wrist I will see it and it will be a source of inspiration for me. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with a bunch of musicians to hang out and play music.

Now all this isn't to say that I'm turning a blind eye to our problems. My W is still behaving in a way that I don't really approve of - staying out late, partying with girlfriends, drinking too much, and (although I can't prove it) carrying on some sort of A. She has insisted multiple times that she is not seeing anyone. But even if she's not lying, she's likely bending the truth enough so that a "friends with benefits" situation doesn't qualify as "seeing someone."

But even though my W has pretty much destroyed the trust between us. Worrying and wondering where she is, or trying to spy on her to get more information isn't going to restore that trust. I have to let go and let her do her own thing. With the full understanding that if/when I get to the point where I truly believe that the trust cannot be rebuilt and that there's no hope for a R (or that I don't even want one anymore) I can make the decision to walk away. But at the moment I still believe there's a chance for us.

I've had 3 DB telephone coaching sessions and the advice I was given lines up with my current approach. Put the problems away. They won't get solved now anyway. Instead, try to reconnect, establish good will and friendship. I've also started Mort's program (which employs a very similar philosophy) and it's really helped a lot. One of his quotes that resonated with me was, "You can't talk yourself out of situation that you behaved yourself into." And unfortunately that's what I've been trying to do for too long.

I still feel sad, lonely, jealous, angry, insecure, and hopeless sometimes. But I'm trying my best to deal with those emotions in a positive way and keep them away from my interactions with my W. The irony is, I don't know if I could have taken this approach 9 months ago when the first bomb dropped. I WISH that I had, but it seems likely that only in the wisdom I've gained from my mistakes over the last 9 months am I able to approach my sitch in this way.

Time will tell. And then I will tell you all smile

Thanks for reading and GL to everyone struggling on this site. If nothing else, we should all be proud that we're trying to take action to make our lives better.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
By the 3rd week of this month (January) I had decided that I'd had enough. I was committed to the idea of giving my wife an ultimatum of "If you can't $hit or get off the pot, I will make your decision for you and file for divorce." I mulled over this ultimatum for a couple days and flip-flopped on whether or not it was a good idea about 100 times.


This is my thinking. You cant file for divorce as a means of trying to get her to 'do' or 'feel' something. You arent making 'her' decision. You file for divorce because you feel like your boundaries are crossed and you wont accept being in the position in which you are put. Or theres some financial or other kind of protection that you need from it.

Im glad you didnt file or even threaten to file. Im not sure it would have actually been of any benefit for you.

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Originally Posted By: Kaizen
This is my thinking. You cant file for divorce as a means of trying to get her to 'do' or 'feel' something. You arent making 'her' decision. You file for divorce because you feel like your boundaries are crossed and you wont accept being in the position in which you are put. Or theres some financial or other kind of protection that you need from it.

Im glad you didnt file or even threaten to file. Im not sure it would have actually been of any benefit for you.

Exactly Kaizen. This is a great point.

And in addition to this, the idea of divorcing, splitting up the family, and co-parenting from separate locations goes against my moral value system. I made a commitment to my W that I don't intend to break. Sure, at times I wasn't a good husband. And I accept 50% of the responsibility for the deterioration of our marriage.

But this commitment to raise my kids in the best environment possible, break the cycle of broken marriage that our parents passed on to us, and love my W for better or worse is more important to me than the pain I'm experiencing now because of her behavior.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Joined: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
In the end, I changed my mind about the ultimatum and decided to take a more positive stand. So I asked her if we could put all of our problems aside for now and just focus on reconnecting as friends, for the sake of maintaining a low-conflict environment for our kids. She agreed, and things have been MUCH better between us ever since.


Chris73,

Congratulations on this big step and good for you for enjoying yourself in AC and your other GAL activities.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Chris,

Just dropped by to check in. I haven't been on much lately, but wanted to see how you are doing. I'm so glad to hear you're doing well. It sounds like you're in a positive place and taking an approach that will be productive for your own well-being. I'm proud of you and happy for you! Keep it up, brother!


Me: 35 W: 32
MR: 2y T: 3.5y
SS11
BD: 11/3/16
EA: 10/26/16
PA: 11/11/16
W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16
Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL
I filed for D: 12/14/16
D-day: 3/10/17
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Had a great weekend.

Stayed in the city after work to get my Superman tattoo. It looks so freaking cool. I wish I could post a picture here. I took pictures of my kids with me for inspiration (in case the pain was getting to me), but I weathered just fine. I hope I will always look at it and smile the way I do now.

Saturday I traveled back to the city for my first Meetup with the live music group and had a fantastic time. The venue was great and all the people were super friendly. It felt like I had known them for years! There were about 16 people who signed up to perform, I was 12th and played 2 songs.

Sunday was a bit chaotic. The original plan was for me, my W, and the kids to hang out and then watch the Superbowl. Unfortunately by about 3pm we discovered that both my kids had head lice and spent the rest of the day shampooing and washing everything. Eventually we did finally sit down to watch the game.

The interactions between my W and me have been very cordial. I put no pressure or expectations on her. I've slowly stopped spying on her (although I haven't stopped caring about her whereabouts, I guess that will come eventually). I greet her with enthusiasm and make an effort to initiate a frivolous/fun conversation at least one/day. Basically, a topic that has nothing to do with our R or anything logistical. Usually a joke or a funny/interesting story from my work day or that I read somewhere.

I'm also initiating a unilateral touch for just a second or two. Usually on the shoulder or arm. I'd like to try putting my hand on hers, but we haven't really been in a position where that would be a natural move.

Overall she's been responding positively to all of this. She laughs at my jokes and stories. She doesn't pull away or jump when I try to touch her. On Sunday, I was out in the garage and asked her to bring me my water bottle. When she came to the doorway and handed it to me she looked as if she wanted to kiss me. I didn't react though.

Later in the evening while the game was on, I was helping with all the laundry that we had rewashed because of the lice. She saw me doing something and said, "I've got it babe, go watch the game." It took me by surprise so much that I almost said something like "Did you just call me babe?" But I didn't. I just acted normal.

Yesterday morning, while I was looking at my son's homework, she came over and stood next to me to look over my shoulder at it. The sides of our bodies made contact for a moment.

I highly doubt that she's responding consciously to my changes. I think it's simply a matter of her letting her guard down a little bit because I've been pushing my no-conflict attitude. Regardless, it's nice to see these little changes. I certainly don't pin my reconciliation hopes on them, but they're encouraging for the short term, so I will just keep on keeping on!

On Sunday I proposed to her that I would signing up to run an 8K down the shore at the end of April and asked if she would be interested in us all going as a family so the kids could enjoy the boardwalk after the race was over. We would need to go down the night before and get a hotel since the race starts early in the morning. She said, "Sure, that's sounds fun!"

I plan to approach her tomorrow and ask if she has any interest in us doing something together one night soon without the kids. I will stress that it won't be anything romantic, just something light and fun. We'll see how that goes.

In the meantime my schedule is filling up with various musical events. So in addition to work, kids, training for an 8K, projects at home, and church. I have songs to practice and new people to get in touch with.

Seems like my focus is finally shifting from my sitch to just me, and it feels pretty good so far!

Anyway, that brings me up to date. Hope everyone is hanging in. I'll update this thread again if/when things progress.


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Nice going!

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Inspiring post!!!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Originally Posted By: Chris73
I plan to approach her tomorrow and ask if she has any interest in us doing something together one night soon without the kids. I will stress that it won't be anything romantic, just something light and fun. We'll see how that goes.


Whats your rush?

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Chris73 Offline OP
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Kaizen. That's a great question and in thinking it over I don't have a good answer. I guess I have a tendency to want to take advantage of situation where I feel like I'm gaining some momentum. But taking it slow is probably the best move. Thanks!


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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