I notice your W had another marriage and was divorced at 22. Do you have any insights into what happened then? Is this a pattern repeating or are there different circumstances?
[[ Pattern Repeating. She said, toward the end, that 'I was the same as her ex, only I made a lot more money'. Really close friends have told me in the past that she can't be made happy. ]]
Any idea if there is another man in the picture now? [[ she says NO]] although I'm 99% sure there was a EA possible PA for a few weeks right after she left. Same thing that happened in first marriage too.]]
Last edited by Cadet; 01/31/1710:04 AM. Reason: fix quote
Definitely didn't mean it that way. I'm a very independent person and I think that is part of why we are separated. I have been gone for a month at times with work and we might talk once a day. She is independent also, the difference is its like she always has something to prove. Almost a Napoleon complex. Can't take any criticizing, even constructive. She feels like everyone is out to get her. Even now, she thinks even the most thoughtful gesture on my part has an alterior motive.
I'm in the mindset of 'didn't realize what I had till I lost it'
In the meantime that W has been gone, what kind of 180s have you been doing? What kind of goals do you have for yourself?
Honestly, everything she asked. Quit drinking. I am selling the business. Can't really spend more time with kids bc she doesn't want them at my house 'doesn't want to tell them what's going on bc she will have to deal with it daily' but I do try to. I have been communicating better. Literally everything she asked. It's like she comes up with more stuff everytime I accomplish something she wanted me to change. All she ever has tried to do was change me, and there wasn't that much to change. More so getting priorities in order, than changing on my part. Thinking back, she used to threaten divorce a lot when she was mad. It really bothered me how casually she thought of it. Maybe I'm a fool for wanting to be with her, but 90% of the time things were great. We were very compatible on all levels I felt. We had fun doing most anything.
Something else that might help understand her mental state is that she accepts ZERO responsibility for where we are.
Thoughts?
Last edited by Cadet; 01/31/1710:41 AM. Reason: fix quote
Wife ... said 'I will be back when you get your crap together'. ... Any chance of reconciling? This woman is my world.
The answer to your question is in your own post.
Man, I would pay a million bucks to be in your shoes.
If she is your world, MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH to get her back. Get your act together one thousand percent -- get all the help you can get from book, counselors, pastors, etc -- to become a great guy. She'll see it, and want you back.
It'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life, but if you fail, then you get to do even a harder thing: a divorce. Do it man.... Wish you luck.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Wife left 4 months ago and said 'I will be back when you get your crap together'. (Her and a new found best friend left at the same time, and stayed together for 2 weeks at friends moms house. I feel the friend convinced her to leave bc misery loves company.)
Were you aware your W was unhappy enough that a friend could influence her to leave you? Unfortunately, female "friends" can have a lot of negative influence, especially if there exists some issues in the MR......and/or the friend is S/D from her H.
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Grandmothers house is next to her parents, who have encouraged her to leave and provided her with all financial assistance. Essentially enabling this type of behavior.
Why did they have a problem with you?
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In person, her attitude is totally different, she is nice and almost timid, like she regrets her decision. I feel she has limited face to face encounters for this reason. She states that she has to go thru with divorce to prove she is serious this time.
This ^^^^^^ is why I question those who are influencing her. Unless she feels intimidated when face to face with you.....why a different tone? Does she have her supporters with her when face to face? I'll bet that makes a difference.
She has been cold and resentful. What about rage?
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When I do offer to do things to help with kids, wife says 'you never wanted to do that before'.
She will probably speak in absolutes. You "always", you "never", etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
1) yes, but felt as I was generic. 'Help with kids more, be more involved, don't drink as much'. Kinda indirect and broad. Friend left at same time. They basically made each other's problems their own. Friend is morally casual at best, so you can kind of see where that went. Basically friend was what she wanted me to be, emotional support, help with the kids, going out on the town, etc.
2). Her parents are very conservative and opinionated. If you don't live as they live, it's wrong. Debt, drinking, owning a business, not helping with the kids enough, etc.
3)Fave to face is always just us two. It's like she is second guessing her decision to leave and file for divorce when we are in person, much nicer to me. On phone, yes, hateful, cold and with the right convo, rage!.
4.) is peaking in absolutes normal? What kind of mindset does that mean she is in?
In the meantime that W has been gone, what kind of 180s have you been doing? What kind of goals do you have for yourself?
Honestly, everything she asked. 1) Quit drinking. 2) I am selling the business. 3) I have been communicating better.
So, if I am correct, this is what you have actually DONE since she left. Im not exactly sure what communicating better means, but these seem like a start.
The problem is, you cant just 'do what she asked' or it will come off as fake and only because she asked you. So, theres no way she can trust that it's a 'new you'. I would advise to keep doing these.
But what about your own goals? She has given you the gift of time to mold yourself into a new and improved you. So what have been some of her historical complaints? What qualities can you identify in yourself that could use some work? What did you want to do that you couldnt due to your marriage?
Also, how about your GAL? What are you doing to get yourself a life?
To answer your question below, LRT is fine, but it isnt going to 'bring her back' on its own. You need to do the work above; otherwise, if she does win up coming back, everything will just revert back to 'status quo' and youll probably be right back here.
