Hi Job! Thanks for the suggestion. I am going to use it.
When H wasn't in MLC I absolutely would bring up the fact that he was being disrespectful or condescending. My problem and one of my issues is how I would do it. I would allow my emotions and ego get the better of me and I would lose my patience and attack. I must learn how to step back and not react.
I absolutely love how you worded what I would need to get across. I am going to practice it over and over so it is at the ready when I need it.
So last night H wanted to talk about a timeline for putting the house on the market. Just some quick background. We spoke to a realtor over the summer who told us it would be better to sell the house, then file for divorce that way any potential buyers won't get wind of the D and think "divorce sale."
He told me that I know what his position is on the marriage and he said he wants to put the house on the market. He acknowledged he can't do that without my permission so he wants a timeline. I gave in and told him May.
But seriously, I don't want to do this. I don't want to sell the house, but not b/c I want to live there. I don't want to sell b/c then we will have to work out a custody/visitation agreement and I will see S less (which is a HUGE issue for me). The alternative is to refuse to cooperate and force him to file for a D and get a court order to sell the house. This option will obviously frustrate him and p@ss him off. I think he will have to get an attorney to force me to sell the house. If he gets an attorney I fear that will just increase the problems.
At this point, with the three OWs (that I know of), his passive aggressiveness, his failure to work on himself/issues, I don't want this person he has become.
In the meantime, I am considering stopping inviting him to come along to the activities I plan with S. I don't like having him around. He barely talks to me so it feels like torture spending time with him. Is this too aggressive of a move?
Also, he texts me everyday now about the time I pick S up from daycare. He asks me how S is doing. (Rarely, if ever, asks about me.) It's getting kind of annoying. I feel like he is doing this so he can look like a concerned, caring father. I would prefer not to respond because it just irritates me, but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot. Any advice?
I, personally, wouldn't be talking to him about selling the house right now, if that's not what you want to do. In fact, why even sell it until you are ordered by a judge to do so? You and your son still have to live somewhere and why not remain in the home until after the divorce? In my case, I was given 3 months to either buy him out or sell the house once the divorce was finalized. It's your call, but I wouldn't let him drive the bus on YOUR decision about YOUR living space at the moment.
I would also limit the number of invitations that you give him to spend time w/you and your son. You currently have been fired as his wife, so why make it easy for him to play a "family man" right now? It's time he started spending time w/his son on his own a bit more and this will allow you time to do things for yourself. Let me ask you this, if you are divorced, are you still going to invite him along on activities w/you and your son?
Are you responding to all of the texts he's sending you? If so, stop responding back so readily. He knows what time you pick up on your son at day care, so that is a no brainer. As for inquiring about how his son is doing, I would set a time in the evening for your son to speak to his father and encourage him to do this. Again, you aren't obligated to respond back to his calls/texts asap. You are busy w/your life, taking care of your son and the home. In his PA way, he's checking up on you to see what you are doing (just my two cents).
Time to try something different. He needs to realize what a divorce will look like, i.e., you moving forward and on w/your life and not at his beck and call.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. I wasn't sure if waiting to sell the house until ordered to do so wasn't a covertly hostile tactic or a passive aggressive move on my part. A large part of me wants to do that, but at the same time, I don't want to feel like an obstructionist. And in a way, I feel like I might be doing that. I think I need to change the way I see it. I just don't know how. Yet.
I am going to take your advice Job and I am going to limit the number of invites I extend to him. I have been getting the feeling that is the right thing to do, but, again, I don't want to be covertly hostile. And it kinda feels that way. (Maybe some of these feelings are rooted in the "it's always my fault" mentality.)
Yes, I am responding to all of the texts he sends. There was one where I didn't respond at all and he used that as an excuse to not call me when he said he would. That's what I am afraid of. That he'll use it against me if I don't respond. Somehow it becomes twisted and it is my fault and something I have done wrong.
Sometimes I think his texts about S are a way to check in on me, even though they are rarely about me. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe that is what I am hoping?
Anyway . . . more spew this morning . . . God help me.
Just to give some background information . . . H attended a work Holiday part in December. He told me of his plans to go and bring S on the morning of the event. Initially, I balked, but then bought into his claim that it would mean a lot for him to go, blah, blah, blah. So I relented. I find out later that two hours after I agreed, he called OW and asked her if she wanted to meet S that night. Fortunately, she turned him down. When I found out I confronted him and, true to form, he denied it.
Fast forward to this morning when he asked me about my weekend plans with S. I told him about how I was planning to go out for coffee and a hike with S and a friend and then to my parents in the evening. He told me that he wanted to take S to a train show on Saturday and that I was welcome to come along. I told him that we will see. I also told him that I was uncomfortable with him taking S out by himself while we are still living under the same roof. I told him that I am concerned about him introducing S to any of his girlfriends. I said I didn't think it was appropriate and it would be confusing for S.
Not surprisingly he came unglued. He denied trying to do that in December, which I know is a lie. I told him that it is difficult to have a meaning conversation with him when he doesn't tell the truth. He said I can't keep his S from him and I reminded him that is not what I am doing. He is free to take S wherever, so long as I am there to ensure he is not introducing him to his girlfriends. Then of course he said he doesn't have any girlfriends. (Getting ticky tack over what to call these women.)
Anyway, the conversation ended, or so I thought. I went to the bathroom in our master bedroom. He followed me in there and when he could hear that I was, ahem, busy, he walked out. When S woke up about 15 minutes later, he followed me into S's room. He remarked to S something along the lines of dad's here, even if mom wishes he weren't. I told H that I felt that was an inappropriate remark to make in front of S. He continued. He said that he didn't really know if I was going to visit with my friend and my parents and therefore he would be coming along with me to ensure that is what I am doing. He went on and on about that. I reminded him that it was inappropriate to be talking about these things in front of S. He continued. I said it again. He finally stopped.
Wow! Just wow!
I don't understand why all of a sudden he want to be so involved in S's life. Now he wants to initiate taking him places and doing things. I don't understand this. Nor do I trust it. I feel like I am being baited or manipulated.
What do you all think? Did I handle this correctly?
This is sure to come up again tonight. I just don't have the energy. I am exhausted. Any suggestions on what I should say? I am at a loss. I'm not sure if I am handling this correctly.
I think you handled the situation in your son's room okay. In the future, I think I would have to say, "h, if you have some issues w/me, let's discuss them in private and not in front of our son. Grown up discussions should be kept between grown ups and topics such as you are raising are grown up topics."
Oh, my...trying to turn the tables on you about where you are going. I think I would have had to say, "sure, come right along, the more the merrier". He really is trying to make you think you are crazy thinking that there is someone else in the picture. Don't take his bait. BTW, I do think you have a concern about your son meeting his lady friends at the moment. This can be very confusing for a child.
I think your h may see your son as a "buddy" and also wants people to think he's a great father and is doing things w/his son. Sometimes, they tend to go over board on being the Disney Dad routine. Your h might be one of them. Then again, he may be doing things w/him out of guilt. Time will tell...
If this same topic comes up this evening I think I would say, "h, I'm sorry you feel the way that you do, but we aren't going to rehash what was discussed this morning. My decision still stands" and walk away. Oh, he may get angry and sulk, but that's on him. Just don't get into an argument w/him. Something is definitely up w/him...we just have to figure out what it is. Is he using your son as an excuse to go out and meet this ow while they are out and about or is he truly interested in doing things w/your son? That is the million dollar question...again...time will tell.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sitting here at work and I have a pit in my stomach knowing that I am going to leave soon and return home to this madness. I feel physically ill thinking about it. When I have feelings like this it makes me wonder how much more of this I can take. But that is another discussion for another time.
I am very appreciate of your evaluation and input regarding the conversation in my S's room. I am certain I could have done it better. I know I have a lot of room for improvement. This is all new and I am trying. How I handled it is a first for me. Prior to learning and growing and accepting I would have responded to H very differently (and it wouldn't have been good). I see progress on my side of the street. It may be teeny tiny, but it's there.
Of course that is not to say I didn't want to just "go off" on him. Part of me did.
I think his statements about tagging along with my friend and my parents was just to bait me. I fully expect him to back off of wanting to do that. It would be way too uncomfortable for him and he can't face my parents and he hasn't seen any of my friends since BD.
I feel like the only reason he is trying to spend time with S now is because he knows there will be issues regarding custody time/visitation. All of which translates into how much child support he will have to pay. The more time he gets, the less he has to pay. Pure and simple. He's denied it, but why wait until S is nearly 20 months old to start doing things with him and planning outings.
I do feel he is totally gaslighting me with respect to OW. (What he is doing is gaslighting, isn't it?) And it does cause me to doubt myself and what I know, heard, and seen. I feel so much anger and resentment over that. How dare he make me doubt myself. Why do they do this? I don't understand.
Why do they make us doubt ourselves? Because they can do it. It's called guilt deflection and/or projection. It's to take your focus off of them and what they are doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel completely dejected this morning. More spew this morning. He asked if I was seeing my therapist this evening and I said yes. He said he would be home on time. When I reminded him that my parents will be watching S, he flipped out. His first complaint was that I am keeping S from him, then his second complaint was that I didn't tell him my parents were coming over. Ugh. We had this discussion last week.
To a certain extent, yes, I am keeping S from him. But only to the extent that I don't him taking him out of the house alone because I cannot trust that he won't bring any of his female friends around. I just don't see this as a bad thing. I feel like I am protecting my son.
I cannot do anything right. Everything I do gets turned around and used against me. I feel so confused and lost and uncertain of what to do anymore. I am becoming afraid of him (not in a physical well being sense). This is so unlike me to be so afraid of someone.
My therapist and friends and family constantly remind me that it is him and not me. Everyone here does that as well. While it helps, I am learning that my own FOO issues make it difficult for me to accept.
My intuition is he is now using S to pick fights under the guise that he wants to spend more time with S. I am completely leaving him alone, hardly ever talk to him unless he initiates, don't ask him any questions about what he does or where he goes, and never bring up OW (until recently when he wanted to spend time alone with S) so he can't use my behavior as an excuse anymore. The only avenue left is S.
I would try not to engage w/him when he's angry and yes, he's using your son to get to you. You've already had this discussion w/him about being late for your appointments and I wouldn't go into w/him again. You really can't rely on him to be on time and he doesn't see or want to see that being late for appointments is not an option for you or anyone else. Don't sweat it! He'll get over it and I would just leave that stew pot on the stove tn simmer and walk away from it.
If he truly wanted to see his son and be with him, he would be on time and yes, he would make the effort to stop by your parents and see him...but no, he wants to play the victim. Just leave him be. Don't second guess yourself.
It's not you, but him. You are probably afraid of him because he's not acting like the man you married. I can relate to that because you don't know which field he's going to come out next swinging that bat of accusations. You are going to have to develop a thicker skin in order to deal w/him as you walk the path.
Nothing you say or do will sit right w/him, just make sure you are comfortable w/the decisions you make. As for the rest, let the chips falls where they may.
Talk to your IC about his recent behavior. Your therapist may have some suggestions on how to handle this sensitive issue revolving around your son and his father.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am at work and I am trying really hard to hold back the tears. I am so grateful to you and this community for walking beside me, and sometimes even holding me up, during this journey.
Everyone here is so wonderful. I am thankful God brought me here.
