Looking back at my prior posts, the silent treatment started after the great towel bar incident of 2017.
I've done some reading about the silent treatment and how it activates the same part of the brain associated with physical pain. No wonder this is so difficult for me to do deal with. I really just want it to stop.
FightOn.....I do not have any words of advice to give you as I am trying to learn and do things in my own sitch. But, please know that we are all here for you (and each other). I know that I would not have been able to make it through some of my emotions if it wasn't for this place.
Your husband's behavior is not related to your behavior but to the fact that in his twisted mind you are the enemy. Whatever you will do or say won't stop his anger.
So stop blaming yourself for whatever craps he says or does. Don't argue with him, don't spew, detach ++++ for your own mental sake.
Did you read the thread on detaching? It's excellent, it not easy because it goes against our basic instincts, but at the end it removes your emotions to be connected to his behavior/reactions, it blocks their influence on us, it takes time but once you master it, you are "waterproof" from his actions and words.
Also it helps to reduce the tension between the spouses because you are not so prone to argue anymore. Deal with him as if he was only a neighbor, be nice and polite but nothing more. Request to be respected when he talks to you, do you know that silent treatment and constant spew are actually considered as a form of mental abuse. It takes a toll on your mental health after a while, you have a son, you need to be strong, you are the only sane parent right now.
He is under the illusion that once he will be divorced, life is going to be wonderful. So he resents you for being an obstacle, he is blaming you for his unhappiness, he knows that leaving his wife and his son is "wrong" so he persuaded himself that he reached that decision because you made his life a nightmare, he shifted the blame from him to you. From the villain he is now the victim.
Now when it's time to negotiate he might become very nice again, be careful, he has only his own interest in mind. So do and agree only to what you think are the best for yourself and your son.
You are not alone, keep posting, keep venting, it feels good to express frustrations and anger, also by sorting them out sometimes it helps to see the situation under another angle.
One day at a time, that's a very long journey, you are probably going through the worst right now, stay strong, he doesn't define you, your worth is not related to his opinion.
Big hug and good night,
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I've read and re-read the thread on detaching, but I need to go back and read it again. It has been very difficult for me to do it. I have moments where I can turn my back to it all and others where my mind starts spinning.
When you wrote that he is "under the illusion that once he will be divorced, life is going to be wonderful." And I have seen this sentiment repeated on this site and on others. I believe it in my head. It makes logical sense, but I am having trouble fully embracing it. I don't know what is stopping me. I feel like if could fully accept this in my heart and in my head, then it would be easier for me to detach.
What is hard for me to understand and perhaps accept is the fact that his mind is twisted. I know I am depressed over the situation so I question my perceptions and judgment. Some of it has to do with his gaslighting.
The other part of it is how sure he is of himself and his decisions. He left his laptop out last night and I snooped. I found some emails he sent her professing his profound love for her and his certainty that one day they will be married.
When I read them, I think that I haven't got a chance. I am Sisyphus. I won't get anywhere. It all feels so hopeless. He is so certain of his feelings.
How does one stand in the face of that?
Last edited by job; 02/03/1711:04 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
Your pain is my pain, I remember vividly the day I discovered he had an affair and with whom, she was one of my supposed friend (married, 2 kids and a very generous/well established husband, but apparently it wasn't enough...), double betrayal. Karma took care of her in a very twisted way but it made my day.
If you have some time, read the six phases of Midlife crisis from Jim Conway or Blessing hearts, it will help you understand what's going on. You will realize you are on a long journey. By reading you will have a better idea where your husband stands in it.
Your husband is deep in the replay phase of MLC, he is in another world, he is in la la land. Stop trying to understand him, because himself he is struggling with his own thoughts, he came up (as all the MLCers), with the conclusion that his unhappiness and frustrations are related to his relationship with you, you made him feel that way, we are not perfect so it is very easy to find something on somebody and to twist it to your own advantage. You won't be able to convince him otherwise, it will only creates more arguments and make him run away further and reinforce his decision that OW is the one, she is the love of his life. The only thing, he doesn't realize because his mind is in full limbo, there is a huge gap between "fantasy" and "reality", right now they are in the phase where they are wishing upon something and made up a "happy life based on words only", what they know from each other is what they only want to show each other, and most of the time, it's an embellished version of themselves with a lot of omissions, also you are most probably described as a "witch", once they will be together, boom reality. If he moves with her, he will move also with his issues, because leaving you won't resolve them, he might be happy at first but after a few months or just a few weeks, he will be faced with the same issues again.
I witnessed that many times. Some went back to their wives, for some it was too late they had been replaced.
Here a few things you can do right now to help you to calm down the situation:
Don't nag, don't beg, don't spew, don't argue and if you don't agree, just say "let's agree to disagree and leave the room". Take the high road.
Don't talk to him unless, you really have to, don't be cold just distant/polite.
Keep some acts of kindness if you want but nothing related with the emotional, a cup of coffee, his favorite dessert... it's up to you.
Don't talk about your relationship, that's a big NO NO.
Detach+++ don't give him any advice, don't let his words or actions affect you, become waterproof.
Those measures will help to reduce the tension and avoid him to run away even further.
Go see your GP and ask him if some anti-depressants might help for just a few months, I resisted a few months (I thought I could do it without nothing, I was so wrong), it helped me to calm down (far less crying), to sleep (at least I could function the next day), to lower those obsessive thoughts (I could work and care for my kids), I retrieved my mind and my capacity to analysis the situation better.
You might be probably suffering from PTSD, that's what the discovery of infidelity and living with somebody who is harassing you do to our body and mind.
If in your state infidelity can be on your side for a divorce, document what you can find. Even if not, document it, you never know you might need it if you want to expose him or her.
His relationship with OW is based on "fantasy", he is in deep la la land, whatever you will say to him won't change his mind, if she is married expose her to her husband/her parents if she is not expose her to her parents/friends or her employer. Don't do a nuclear exposure but a targeted one (discreet, you want to shake their world but to cut any chance of reconciliation). If you do that, stick to the facts and how it affects your family, no spew, facts are not defamation and also people are more prone to listen to you.
Be ready for him to be mad at you, he is already mad at you anyway and he wants a divorce. Once their "fantasy" is exposed, they have to deal with reality. What exposure does, it creates a crack in their world, it forces them to look at reality. Also, keep in mind, he lies to you but most probably he lies to OW too, he is just telling her what makes him look good and what she wants to hear, he strokes her "emotions", she strokes his "ego". Exposure is a personal decision so do it only if you feel it.
Take care of yourself, be strong.
Last edited by job; 02/03/1704:14 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I understand how you feel. I feel the same way a lot of the time. It's hard when someone you've known for years transforms almost overnight. We learn that we must detach, to remove ourselves from their crazy orbit. In theory that's true, and when I can do it I feel more at peace. It's hard to keep up. When your MLCer lives with you (mine does), they have to engage you somehow to initiate all the gaslighting. It's so hard to turn off their voice.
I don't know if you have trouble turning away from the trainwreck aspect of it. I, too, get troubled when I see those moments of extreme confidence in them about marching towards their wonderful future.
To counter that, I regard my W's strange behaviors when they appear, it reminds me that she is in La La Land trying to pretend it's Earth (insomnia, memory lapses, avoiding responsibilities or making decisions, unfinished projects, disregard of time, ALWAYS using her smartphone for something). Seeing all this offsets the other moments of "confidence" that you spoke of. I think doing this may the opposite of detaching, but I have trouble turning off her rage / spew voice.
SkyHigh's advice in both posts is spot on. I'm glad I read the first one just for myself.
We are doing the hard work now. Hang in there. Keep going.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Skyhigh - I can't even imagine the pain you went through. Losing your supposed friend and H.
I keep telling myself his visions of his perfect future are nothing but fantasy. It is just really difficult when he seems so confident and I don't. Maybe that is part of my problem. I just don't have a lot of confidence in what I see and how I see it. He has gaslit me for so long over some really stupid stuff that I have a hard time seeing what is real and what is not when it pertains to him. This is something I need to work on.
Job - I need to re-read Sandi's rules. I know the no snooping was on there. I don't know why I pain shop like I do. I guess I am looking for clues that their relationship will be over soon. I must do better.
Brubeck - Thank you for the validation. You are so right. It is so hard when you have a front row seat to it all. For me, I question my perception of it. I question whether he might be right and I am wrong. Maybe it is true love and I am only standing in their way.
The weekend was nice. H, son, and I went for a hike on Saturday afternoon. It was nice. We didn't talk much. We rarely do. I do miss it. I took S to a farmer's market on Sunday. It was smaller than I had hoped. But I l enjoyed it nonetheless. I love going to those so much. Afterwards, we napped and my parents came over to watch the game. H worked a shift Sunday night so he wasn't around.
During my counseling session I talked about H's silent treatment and how it felt. It reminded me of how my mother treated me after one of her rages. I feel worthless and discarded. She told me that she understands why I am hanging onto this relationship. Abandonment issues. Ugh. I guess I have them too.
I am spinning and cycling this morning. Right before I got into my car he said that he wanted to talk this evening. Great.
I just have to remember that no matter what is said that I need to keep control of my reactions and respond, not react. I have to remember that I can control my reaction.
I am really scared. Oftentimes when he wants to talk, he becomes so condescending and disrespectful to me that I get flooded. My "fight" reaction is to fight back or my "flight" reaction is to just end it without saying too much.
If he is disrespectful or condescending I must tell him that I feel he is being that way and that if the conversation is to continue that I need that to stop.
If he is disrespecting you, just say "h, I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do, but talking to me the way that you are is disrespectful and I will not sit here and continue the conversation w/you at this time. I will be more than happy to listen and have a conversation w/you if you can speak to me in a proper manner." Then get up and walk away. You do not have to take him being disrespectful.
I have a question for you...how would you handle a friend or co-worker speaking to you in a disrespectful manner? Would you sit there and taken the BS or would you speak up? Just because your h is in MLC it doesn't mean that you become a door mat. You still need to speak up and point things 9out to him when he's being disrespectful to you. Wouldn't you say something to him about is tone/manner if he were still the old h?
