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AndrewP.

Thanks for stopping by the Offering Prayer thread and for the Canada Day greetings. I've read much of your thread and it sounds like you've got the GAL taken care of.

I grieve for you as I see that you are getting close to the end.

I'll make sure keep in touch. It's great to have a CDN perspective. FYI I'm in the heart of the GTA.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
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Hey AP, just dropping by to say hello!

Well done on clearing out the laundry room. Another step in the right direction!

Wrt S22, I think it's safe to say who knows what goes on in his head! He sounds like a typical young man who needs to be prodded to take any action! I bet he has a stream of texts from his Mum which he hasn't responded to. I think I remember you had the same issues when he didn't live with you. How many days did you have to wait for him to respond if ever!!

Also with the dating. Maybe you aren't ready as yet that is why it all seems strange. Take your time AP, that special Lady is out there somewhere and it will happen when the time is right!

(((AP)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Originally Posted By: bigybiz
I'll make sure keep in touch. It's great to have a CDN perspective. FYI I'm in the heart of the GTA.
BigyBiz - My usual office is in Mississauga but I also have an office at Church and Bloor that I go to a couple of times a month - a big building with lots of companies in it.

When my W and I were first married we lived at Yonge and Carlton but then moved to where I live now about 150 km to the north-west to the area that I grew up in.

There are a few of us on here from Canada and even from Ontario I believe. That's helpful in some ways because the law is different in different jurisdictions.

Thanks for the visit and the kind words.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
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AP: I live 15 minutes from your downtown office. I'd love to connect - I know I have lots to learn from you.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
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Glad to see you're still posting/journaling. I'm enjoying reading your story. smile

Any progress on DS getting a job? I don't think him living with you will be considered as a factor when it comes to finances since he is over 18. My child support will end as my sons turn 18.

How nice of DD to send you the book of poems. It's clear that she's concerned about you, in a good way. When do you get to see her again? I know you visited her not too long ago. Does she come to see you at all?

This time of year is a little rough for me as it marks 10 years since my XH started his affair. Time certainly does fly by!!! I'm in a better place now, but still affected by the mess I lived through so long ago.

When you're waiting for dating, it won't feel so weird. I actually met my husband through a dating site. smile of course, we had mutual friends and that helped things out, but it's not totally unusual these days!!!

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dream! So wonderful to hear from you. I know from divorced friends that the pain never goes away especially if there has been a betrayal like an affair. A good friend of mine has just also gone through 10 years since she divorced her own H and every time we chat I still hear the hurt.

My D25 is a very special woman with a very kind heart. The book of poems is being very much enjoyed. Normally I am a quick reader but with poetry I slow down and try to chew and enjoy each line. I'm about 1/3 of the way through the book and it is a very good collection. We're organizing for me to go down to visit her and her H towards the end of September.

S22 is still rather stalled but there was a funny - yet slightly troubling but positive interaction this evening. You may recall my reference to "20 something" who happens to be one of S22's best friends in a very platonic way. Today being my last day of vacation I was working through the last of the household chore list. One of my (achieved) goals was to scrub the house from top to bottom and 20 something wandered into the house while I was doing my last load of laundry. She was wearing short shorts and a crocheted "cover" over top of her bra. She asked me my opinion of her outfit and I pointed out that perhaps she should have something on more substantial but that I thought she looked good while very firmly keeping my eyes elevated. Sigh - the troubles of being a lonely old guy I suppose <smile>.

There is a - in my mind small - possibility that 20 something is actually interested in me but there's all sorts of danger lurking there not the least of which is that she and S22 are best friends. Absolutely not something I will chase. Perhaps because we've known each other since she was little and the fact that I am very demonstrably "safe" she perhaps feels more comfortable with me(?) I am still human though and it's been 15 months since I've even held the hand of a woman.

Anyhoodles - the positive bit was a bit of delicate nagging that I did with 20 something and S22 about him getting his driver's license pointing out that there is a car available to him if he does. Both 20 something and S22 agreed that this was a great plan and that they were working on it. Then they went off swimming in the local river. And no - I'm quite sure that 20 something and S22 are not an item despite being close friends.

I do know that legally speaking that supporting S22 has no bearing on any sort of settlement. What I am hoping though is that STBX will be compassionate and as I asked her in a letter back in January, that she'll allow me to have a future and not request support. In turn I told her that I would continue to support S22 until he is independent. She seems to be abiding by the terms of that letter including "letting me" finish paying off her car which was finally done a couple of weeks ago. I do want S22 to be independent sooner rather than later, but for S22 and not for me (mostly). STBX is (or at least was) a kind and compassionate person and despite everything that happened we never had any real friction. Even a recent email interaction about a minor banking issue was polite and she took the initiative in making sure that I was not inconvenienced. Yes, I am angry at her and hurt but I've never struck out at her in any way, even emotionally and never will. I wish her happiness in her choices even if I disagree with them. If she chooses to take me to the full extent of the legal guidelines I will resist but I will still survive as will S22. We'll manage. I joked with D25 a while ago that if the settlement goes that way that S22 and I will end up living in a cardboard box under the shop next door. D25 assured me that she didn't think that would happen and I suggested that would be because we couldn't find a cardboard box big enough <sad smile>.

So - I did rather well for walking on my vacation. I did close to 70km of walking over the 2 weeks. I didn't lose any weight perhaps thanks to taking a bunch of AndrewP time with good books and cold beer. I do feel refreshed but not quite recharged. This is really my very first "single guy" solo vacation and I believe I did ok. As tough as it is especially for those earlier in their journey than I am, there is indeed a Far Shore.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Just saying Hi. Hope you're well. I'm decent.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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ForGump - Thanks for the visit and the hello. It's been a long time. Try to keep well my friend. I know that it's tough.

Journaling.

Exactly 1 year ago today I woke up in an empty house. While I'm no longer the person who got down on his knees and begged his W to stay and that if she must leave to please please return, I'm still the same man.

I live life mostly day to day but have been making some longer term plans which will include going down to visit D25 and her H and assorted critters in late September. I'm thinking that I may take myself to the Caribbean in the late winter for a week or so if finances allow. I'm getting comfortable enough in my own skin now that I think that I can do that alone and enjoy it.

Coming up on the 1 year alone mark I have gotten introspective which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone who is following along on the home game. One thing that I've done from time to time but put a more serious effort into recently is to try to understand infidelity from the other side. There are astoundingly few resources out there about that which is probably no big surprise. People who are actively engaged in an affair are unlikely to "seek help", nor to be introspective and journal on the internet. The resources here in the postings by AmyC that are found in the recommended readings and those bits of Sandi2's story that she shares from time to time help with the understanding as well.

While I think I understand a lot more about what happened and why, one thing that I also know is that me understanding it doesn't matter. Perhaps it will for a future relationship where I can be more aware of the risk factors and warning signs. My old W is gone and is not coming back.

I really do have no idea what is going on in her life. My SIL let me know from time to time about what they see on Facebook but really, nothing of note is visible in that venue. I don't know if she and her guy (I've stopped referring to him as OM) are still together or if they are getting their "happily ever after". Again, it doesn't matter. Even though as I write it, I do so with a certain sense of the melancholy, it is a true statement. What's going on there doesn't impact me. As I wrote on Westo's thread, compartmentalization is a way that people who are engaged in an affair deal with things. I've realized that for me as the LBS, compartmentalization is how I am now dealing with my former W. She's just someone that I used to know and yes, someone that I loved. Do I still love her? I still love the person that I thought she was but that person doesn't exist any more. I've had a year of going through the stages of grief and will always be sad but I'm recovering.

In terms of actual news, S22 spent an afternoon with his mother rather to my surprise. I only knew because he was out when I got home from being out for dinner by myself and then his mother dropped him off while I was getting ready for my next day. Just a drive-by and quick open of the door at the end of the drive. I expect that she, like me, is reluctant to actually see the other. S22 seemed quite cheerful though and appeared to have had a good time. This is good. Yes, it does make me a bit jealous, but this isn't about me. It's about a mother and her son. This may be the first time they've seen each other in a couple of months despite living only 5 minutes apart from each other. But - I could also be wrong about this. I don't pry into S22's life especially where it concerns his mother. On his side he's very careful I think to not mention her around me.

The legal stuff is grinding along slowly. After about a month of waiting the lawyer on the other side wrote to my lawyer agreeing to go the collaborative route and that she would get in touch with her client to get documents sorted out and whatever. I'm hoping that the lawyers don't make things too complicated. There's not really anything much to fight over, my STBXW should have a pretty clear idea about my finances and assets since they used to also be her's and I honestly don't really care about what she's taken, nor any savings she may have accumulated. If there were assets that she has that she has hidden, which I doubt that there are any of any substance, I also don't care. I just want as clean of a break as possible and to be able to carry on with my life unencumbered and keep building and updating the AndrewP that I am.

I'm still reading along the stories of my friends here and will keep posting updates as appropriate.

Good thoughts and wishes to all of you.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Hey AP, Great to see your update.

I like the olace you are in at the moment. You still love your W but she dies not impact your day to say decisions and thoughts too much.

It's interesting about compartmentalising your life. I can see how this can be a good way to help towards detaching and I can see my H was/is very good at this. We have been put into a box on a dusty shelf just in case he needs us as some point but for the moment we are of no use. I need to get to that stsge too.

Happy weekend AP!! X


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Well - first meeting with STBX and the legal teams is being set up for 3 weeks from now.

Currently terrified. I've been preparing for this day for over 500 days now ever since she first told me that she was leaving (and then didn't go anywhere for months).

Ideally I hope that we can get everything sorted out in this one meeting. There's not a lot to fight over. Stuff she wanted, she took already. The kids are grown. The house isn't worth a lot and her guy has a nicer one.

Wish me luck. I am truly terrified of seeing her in person and really don't know how I will react.

Oh and what would have been our 28th anniversary is next Saturday. How the h-e-double hockysticks (Canadian joke) did we ever end up here?


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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