Nothing much happening here. STBX hasn't done anything since she drained "her half" of the savings. No lawyers letters arrived either and more importantly my garbage can lid is still missing.
For those who've been playing the home game and are perhaps worried about your own MLCr I checked the law in my own area (Ontario, Canada) and any debts that she incurs under her own name such as credit cards are not my problem in any separation equalization. Her copy of the joint credit card was canceled last week and while there's money exposed in the joint savings account I'm not overly worried about it. It's just money. As far as I can tell I have no risks from any new crazy and there's been no past crazy either. Once lawyers get involved then perhaps crazy might happen.
The last few boxes of her stuff have been moved from under the cellar stairs to the front porch. They were about 8 boxes of "childhood memories" that came from her parent's basement to ours about 20 years ago. Much dust was involved. No clue if / when she'll come back for it even though her last email suggested that she would. I've not bothered nagging her about it although today I put my copy of her car keys into "our" mail box hoping that she'll return mine.
This time of year is tough. Seasonal depression is a thing that causes me problems. STBX was never a help on it other than last year when she delivered hugs and cookies which was the exact right answer. Too bad that she was already cheating on me at that same time. Fortunately I've been able to find Joy in some rather unexpected places along with some very good books to enjoy.
I've invited a colleague of mine out for dinner on Valentines day - she's been a great help to me and I owe her as the new US president would say "bigly". She's been divorced for about 10 years and has been a great help in preparing me for navigating the pitfalls of the legal system and she has been very kind. I still see the pain and anger when she talks about her ex. There is of course a story behind that but it is her's and not mine to tell. And no - before you warn me job - there is no romance in the wind with her. I do quite admire her. Most people encountering her would think that she's meek and mild and I think she believes that of herself. I've played pool against her and got my @ss handed to me (her father owned a pool hall). There's an underlying steel to her that I quite admire.
Our hotel has been booked for S22 and I to go visit D24 and her H in March for my birthday which basically coincides with BD. A much better plan than the original one of getting blind drunk and feeling sorry for myself. It is said that you have to get through one year of "events" to recover from the loss of a loved one. Last Valentines day was a bust here so perhaps I've already navigated that.
A few days ago I got a message from SIL1 that she'd messaged STBX giving sympathy for menopause etc - no response. I thanked her. If I didn't have the perspective from here I'd been even more confused about what is going on. On Facebook I'm separated with a "life event" on that of BD1. Anyone looking at my profile would see that I've not had much interaction with her for almost a year. On her side everything looks "normal" with pretty much no updates since BD. Certainly no mention of OM. She still is "friends" with all of my relatives that she was pre BD even if I've dropped all of her's other than her brother. So many people continue to be surprised that STBX will not even talk about any of our issues or even respond to questions about her plans. On the surface she still seems to be keeping me as a Plan B which isn't an option from my side of this River. As far as social media goes I've disconnected from her on my side but she still seems attached on her's. Not seeing her posts of angst etc makes my life a lot smoother. There's a country music song that might be appropriate in this situation - Travis Tritt - "Here's a Quarter - Call Someone Who Cares"
It's easy to get into a whole bunch of speculation here but as I've learned over this long and rather painful journey it's a waste of time and mental effort. The fact is that I see no path for her to come home and I am moving forward on my own without her.
As Jack_Three_Beans said to me and I believe I am indeed her "one best choice". She's just not capable of making that choice for reasons that are opaque to me and so I am heading off over-land without her. I believe that Otranto is the right destination and then a short sea voyage across the Ionian Sea puts me into Greece. Will there be monsters? Most likely. There will also be Joy, starlight and sunshine and hopefully some nice food and wine. I quite enjoy lamb which I understand is common in Greek cuisine but am unfamiliar with their wines. I'm still in Italy at this point though and the Chianti is quite nice.
For those of you living with me in "Realsville" - yes - it is snowing here in Ontario but my cats warm my lap and my friends warm my heart.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ouzo??? Baklava? Moussaka? Grilled lamb? ... all lovely choices ...
Re: getting through one year of events to recover from the loss of a loved one - in my experience that has not held true. I'm closing in on the end of year two and it still hurts a lot for different reasons. As I look back it seems to me I spent much of the first year in complete shock and didn't really start any kind of healing process until somewhere into year two. This past (second) year has been about personal healing but also has been a time of watching the denial fade on a lot of fronts. I tell you this because your timeline may be the one year or may be longer. I think everyone's situation is different, so if you are not a "one year" person, that's ok. We all heal at our own pace.
Enjoy the cats and the peaceful quiet of a snowy evening. xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hey AP, glad to see you doing well here. I've been so caught up in the newcomers forum and my own situation that I haven't had a chance to check on you and CT over here. Gordies thread move to here was a nice reminder.
You seem to have found some things that have helped you stabilize the emotional swings. How're you planning to confront the seasonal depression right now though? Anything you could be proactively doing to be in a better spot to handle it?
My D would be quite jealous of the snow you're getting right now! Hope you have a great weekend brother!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
How're you planning to confront the seasonal depression right now though? Anything you could be proactively doing to be in a better spot to handle it?
My D would be quite jealous of the snow you're getting right now! Hope you have a great weekend brother!
LT0402 - Thanks for stopping by. I know that I can get through this season. My family has been in this area for almost 200 years so we've had some practice. At this moment I'm listening to a Beethoven String Quartet after having written to a good friend. Carbs are also a good thing even if I need to be careful of eating too many cookies or jelly-beans.
I have a trip planned to visit D24 in March in Virginia which will be as far south as I am likely to make it in the near term. I'm not sure when her H will be re-deployed to San Diego but I am sure to be visiting them there too. Probably well after spring though.
Vitamin D, music and good friends and I will make it through this. As I've written many times, one step at a time.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey AP, great to see you starting a new thread. I thought for one minute there we had lost you!
Like you I'm coming up for the one year mark but in May. At this present time I'm not sure it will make a lot of difference to the way I feel but that's just how I feel now. There are a few more months to go for some growth and detachment so we'll see.
Your STBX is still acting out the mlc script. All urgency and no action except for the money side but I reckon she got advice to do that otherwise she would have done it a long time ago.
No snow here yet, just s few days of freezing fog - yuck! I think seasonal depression is natures way of saying we need to hibernate until the sun comes out! Shame we have to go to work, shop for food etc!
I think it's a really nice gesture taking your colleague to dinner but has she commented on the fact that it's Valentine's Day? I know you aren't thinking romantically but are you certain she isn't ....? Anyway I'm just jealous!
I love Greece too. Been there a few times and love the food but not keen on the ouzo!
Happy weekend AP!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - Thanks for stopping by. I'm quite certain that my colleague isn't having romantic thoughts about me. We had been chatting about getting coffee or dinner for some time but never set anything up. She mentioned in passing that even her sons will send her meeting requests any time they want to see her so I sent her a meeting invite via the corporate system titled "The least romantic dinner invite ever" She pressed "Accept".
She has mentioned as well that she is seeing someone she met through Plenty of Harmony Fish or whatever those sites are called who lives quite far away. They get together a couple of times a year as circumstances permit. On my side I'm certainly not going to romantically approach any woman who isn't clearly single. I think I speak for a lot of us here who had a spouse with an affair that none of us want to emulate a certain douchenozzel milkman who was "kind" to a lonely housewife. Even if my STBX hadn't cheated on me - it's still something that's "not done". There's nothing saying though that I can't be a good friend to this colleague as she has been to me.
Anyhoodles - second load of laundry is in to wash, cat boxes cleaned, driveway shoveled (2" of wet snow). There's a fresh rose on my desk and one on my bedside table and the bed is freshly made with the handmade quilt that my Grandmother made on it. Dinner tonight is expected to be creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese - a favourite comfort food. I might have time to scrub the toilets first as well (exciting isn't it). I've let some of the housekeeping slide a bit lately - perhaps because I had been feeling a bit blue in part because of the season - need to step it up again. Maybe a nice shiny sink will give me the Vitamin D / sunlight that I need to get through this time of the year. I will get through it though thanks in no small part to kind friends like you Coly.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
As Jack_Three_Beans said to me and I believe I am indeed her "one best choice". She's just not capable of making that choice for reasons that are opaque to me and so I am heading off over-land without her.
I've been lurking on your threads for some time. I have learned a lot from you. I love your quote above.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
ForGump - Thanks for checking. All is pretty darned good here these days. I have good friends, good books and peaceful surroundings. The gloom of January is past and we've had some bright sunshine off and on as the colder weather has come back here.
All is quiet on the STBX front as well. SIL1 mentioned that she posted a "get well soon" comment to SIL1 on Facebook the other day. I hadn't noticed as I'd unfollowed a while ago. No use speculating why she's still paying attention / attached to my family. Is she in denial about me telling her that it was over? No clue - doesn't matter. I'm assuming at this point that I'll need to just deal with what needs to be dealt with and ignore the rest. I sent an email to my car insurance broker a couple of days ago with a CC to STBX saying that I need my own separate insurance and that it was up to STBX to make her own arrangements. No clue if she's done that or not - not my problem though.
I've not been following you or this forum very much for a while. I did see that you are still pretty active and lending support and kind words where you can. Hopefully things sort themselves out for you.
Thanks again for checking in.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
She pressed "Accept".