Gordie: Pulling it all together 2

[SBJ]

What is the right MLC strategy to avoid being Plan B?

I know dating is one strategy, but don't think that would be right for me.

Gord, I don't have the answer to the Plan B question...I would assume that if we continue to allow them to cake eat, then they would always see us as a push over. I would imagine that once they see that you are moving on to work on yourself and grow on your own, then they might realize that you are not going to be there as a plan B in the future.

As for the dating thing??? I cannot see myself doing that right now either. I know that is something that she is wanting to get on with, but I know I am not ready for that. They checked out a long time prior to BD...we are still processing things. I don't know how long that will take, but I am sure we will be made aware when it hits.

I am not a religious man, but I think you are being too focused on your prayers being unanswered. My understanding of it is God has basically three responses each of which is for your own best interest.
1 Yes. Prayer is answered and you get what you asked for.
2 No. You don't get it as God viewed it not in your best interest. Garth Brooks sings a good song about unanswered prayers being the best gifts from God
3 NOT YET. You need to let go of your need for a quick turnaround.IIt will happen if it is supposed to happen when the time is right. Have faith in that.

roist...I agree with some of what you said, but I have found 5 ways that He answers prayers.
1. No, I love you too much to answer that.
2. Yes, but you'll have to wait. You should pray and he will answer in his timing. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you". Matthew 7:7
3. Yes, but not what you expected. Pray and he will answer you, but it may be in a different manner than what you asked. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight". Proverbs 3:5-6
4. Yes, and here's more. Pray and he will answer you in a greater manner than you could ever have imagined. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Jeramiah 29:11
5. Yes, I thought you'd never ask. Many prayers go unanswered because they have never been asked. "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective". James 5:16

Not arguing with anyone about it, but sometimes we have to walk by faith and not by sight...I don't understand exactly what my W is going thru, but if I keep my eyes on the Lord and continue to grow in my faith, then I have the faith that all things will fall into place.

I'm not saying that there won't be days of anger and frustration, but it is how we get thru that that matters. It helps me to pray for peace, strength and patience throughout this trial.

I am also trying to continue to learn and understand more on the MLC/WAW issues, but will we ever really understand exactly what they are going thru?

[ForGump]

Gordie--

I got a few different versions as well. You're the best husband and I love you. I always wanted out of this marriage. You're controlling, I hate you and I can't trust you. My infatuation makes me feel like I've bit hit by a truck and I want to feel that forever. My infatuation may have been a fantasy, I'm getting over it but not entirely.

I have no wisdom for you. Just sympathy.

[Gordie]

Thanks for your sympathy and glad to know I'm not the crazy one. I'm always surprised how often your W and my W read from the same, gosh darn ugly script. Sigh.

[SBJ]

I got a few different versions as well. You're the best husband and I love you. I always wanted out of this marriage. You're controlling, I hate you and I can't trust you. My infatuation makes me feel like I've bit hit by a truck and I want to feel that forever. My infatuation may have been a fantasy, I'm getting over it but not entirely.

Pretty much the same script for us all right?

I got the "you're a great husband and a great father and I love you, but I need more passion". During our MC I heard that I was controlling and that I told her how she should feel about things. She never said that she hated me, but did say that she could never be with me again.

All say pretty much the same thing...it is batchitcrazy!!!

[Gordie]

"I would imagine that once they see that you are moving on to work on yourself and grow on your own, then they might realize that you are not going to be there as a plan B in the future."

Yes, that's what I'm hoping for and one positive about moving out...

"I have found 5 ways that He answers prayers."

I love your list of five...awesome!

"...if I keep my eyes on the Lord and continue to grow in my faith, then I have the faith that all things will fall into place."

Yes, indeed...and accepting that "fall into place" may look very differently than what we hope/expect.

"I am also trying to continue to learn and understand more on the MLC/WAW issues, but will we ever really understand exactly what they are going thru?"

No, probably not. I too am trying to learn and be more empathetic to my W's plight. I know she is in pain and I want to be/should be compassionate. I think it's hard because of (a) guilt that I am one of the causes of her pain and can't fix the problem, (b) anger that she has given up on the M, wants POM, and is willing to breakup of our family, and (c) sadness/grief that I am losing my best friend/wife/mother to my children/lover/life partner...and the dreams/hopes/expectations of what my life would be like...

[ForGump]

The silver lining in your impending separation is, Gordie, that your W will run into the arms of the 22 year old employee POM with gooey eyes ... and run smack into Reality.

I really believe that.

[Gordie]

The silver lining in your impending separation is, Gordie, that your W will run into the arms of the 22 year old employee POM with gooey eyes ... and run smack into Reality.

I really believe that.

FG, I like your thinking. I actually do want my W to be happy and successful and all the things she wants...emotionally self sufficient, financially independent, free to choose who she wants to love. I don't want my W to abandon me and the children and run into the arms of POM, fail in her business and go bankrupt.

Being the fixer type, I want to stop her from making what I see as bad choices and the consequences of them...but this time I can't, I won't. That's part of the reason why I won't blow up the POM at this stage. My W has actully hinted that if I do that it is yet another example of me controlling her...and isn't she right?

So, I now need to focus on fixing me. I have a lot of work to do. I'm interviewing for new jobs. I started engaging in my music and art again, parts of myself that have been neglected during my M. I'm becoming a better father. One thing I've worked on this week: apologizing to my kids when I've done something I regret (being impatient, using too strong of a voice, etc). This is a 180 for me and it's been a great change. They really stop and take note when Dad says he's sorry and asks for forgiveness.

[SBJ]

The silver lining in your impending separation is, Gordie, that your W will run into the arms of the 22 year old employee POM with gooey eyes ... and run smack into Reality.

I really believe that.

That is priceless...more than likely the truth, but very funny.

Read yesterday that the temptation of sin is the promise of something much better, but the result is true emptiness.

[Gordie]

SBJ/ForGump,

Thanks for the positive thoughts. It's interesting to hear your perspective being emotionally detached from it. Heck, we could pass each other on the street and we wouldn't even know each other!

***

On an unrelated note. I've been trying to be a better third-party observer of my R with my W. So one thing that has happened over these past few months is a change in our physical relationship which I have posted about here a lot, but something that I've recently come to realize and not yet discussed is that she acts very differently in public than at home. I'm working hard to NOT mind read, but just notice the actions.

1. In public, I have cooties. She consistently keeps her distance. Even in social situations, where our friends don't know what is going on, she'll keep at least a foot away from me.

2. In private, she's all over the place. Some days I have cooties; other days she can't keep her hands off me (both sexually and non sexually).

In public and private, I have let her take the initiative in our physical interactions. I don't initiate anything, not even physical greetings any more. Is that the right approach?

[ForGump]

That's part of the reason why I won't blow up the POM at this stage. My W has actully hinted that if I do that it is yet another example of me controlling her...and isn't she right?

I think she would be right ... if it was real. If it was real, then it would be you trying to control her right to choose. But if a person is having a delusional episode -- what psychologists call "dissociation" -- then it's about mental health. You wouldn't be saying, "you must choose X over Y." You're saying, "you believe X, but it's actually Y."

That's the way I saw it with my wife. I wasn't trying to tell her, You have no right to choose. I told her, What you think is a relationship is actually a delusion.

Anyway, Gordie, I think just by explaining my logic here, I might be over-emphasizing the importance of this issue. In my personal situation, it was a catalyst, a match that lit the fire. But the fuel was already there, and if it wasn't for that match, something else was likely to have lit the fire. So the delusion is a part of the picture, an important one, but not everything either.