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Gordie Offline OP
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Yes, thanks. I know I'm early in this fight. I think that's why my DB coach asked me how patient I can be? It seems like my W may need to actually experience separation and divorce before ever reolconsidering. I'm amazed at all of the people here who have been fighting for years. It is inspiring.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Re condescension:

A few thoughts.

- Read and watch a few things on mansplaining. If you recognize yourself in that, change.

- When she is talking, do you ever correct small details that aren't important to the story? For example, if she says, "Remember that restaurant we ate at on the trip we took to Florida in 2003?" Do you say, "Actually it was 2004"?

- Do you override her decisions? I think you said this is not an issue, that you've divided up areas of ownership, but adding it to the list just in case.

- When you are talking, do you ever seem surprised if she asks for clarification or needs more background? Do your words or tone ever imply, "Really? You don't know that?"

- Do you call her pet names that can be taken sarcastically or that infantalize her? Is she "Princess" or "Baby" or "Doll"? This is one with discussing with her, because she might like that coming from you. But do ask if you use them.

- If she comes to you with something to discuss, do you jump in to solve the problem before she's finished telling you what the problem is? Listen and validate until she asks you a direct question.

Not sure if any of that helps, but these are some things I've seen and experienced that make me feel condescended to.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Gordie,

I want to put a disclaimer up about my advice. I know you appreciate it and I am happy you can see it as something that helps. It's a culmination of stuff I learned since my own bomb drop 9 years ago, being on these boards for so long, and having my situation open up my eyes to the marriages around me over the years. When I say something, or point something out, I want it to be known it's not that I feel like if the person every changed this one thing, their marriages wouldn[t be where they are now. It's just knowledge shared that I think could make your life and situation a little better. Knowledge is power and I wish I had so much more as a very young married woman.

That being said, rose gave you some good advice on being aware of being condescending.

I do think she may have found that if you pointed out that YOu funded her, as condescending.

One more example is, and heck, I've been guilty of this.

You tell someone you want them to do what makes them happy and you tell them you will be supportive. But then you give the cold shoulder, or are less than happy about it when they do those things you told them to do in the first place.

Wife: Honey, if you are stressed, I think you should take a night out with the guys"

Husband: Thanks, I think I will

Wife: (husband made plans with guys) I've been alone with the kids all day, you are going ot go out TONIGHT?

Bsically, our words should match our actions.

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Gordie Offline OP
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Rose--this was eye opening:

*Mansplaining? Innocent

*Correct details? Guilty

*Override decisions? Partly guilty. If she makes a decision, I follow it. If she makes a suggestion, I don't always follow it. If she wants to do something that I don't want to do, then she needs to ask/argue with me repeatedly for me to change my mind. This last thing bothers her the most. I say you get your way on all big things and she admits that she does but thinks it shouldn't take so much work.

*Clarification? Guilty

*Pet names? Innocent

*Fixing? Guilty


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie Offline OP
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Ginger,

Thank you. I love your advice. All my close friends besides my W are guys so don't have a safe place to ask these Qs. Your example? Guilty, but actually think my W does this more than me, but I can only change my behavior. Again, thank you for opening my eyes on yet another area for improvement.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Gordie Offline OP
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So my W was at work and I was with my kids and they wanted to stop in and see her. We did and she was there working with POM. POM and I are acquaintances and he is always friendly and chatty with me. For days after these interactions when she is in the presence of both of us my W gets really cold and angry towards me. Of course, I can't ask her about it. I guess I just give her space and process whatever feelings she is having within herself. Detach and let go. Breathe.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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My DB coach has emphasized that I need to create emotional connection with my W. Her primary LL is quantity and quality time and I am giving her more of that than ever before when she is open to it. My challenge is that sometimes she doesn't want to be with me so I have been figuring out what to do during those time. First, I give her space away from me and do my thing with the kids or myself. Second, I do acts of service that can be done not in her presence. I find that she notices and even says thank you sometimes and it reduces the tension between us. Am I doing the right thing? Any other suggestions?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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job Offline
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Gordie,

I think you are going about things in a very positive manner. The saying around here is "do what works and if it doesn't work, try something else". The key is figuring out what works in your particular situation and go from there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I agree with Job. (Always a safe bet.) Do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

If it works for your sitch, that's more significant than anything we say.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Gordie Offline OP
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Ups and downs:

Well, last week was feeling great. We were connected, talking, physically intimate and then we had the run in with POM and now she doesn't want me to get too close to her in any way. I'm trying to detach and remain the same, as if I don't care that she wants to keep a few feet away from me. This stinks, but I've gotta remain strong--keep doing what I'm doing because it's what I want to do and not let her moods dictate mine, but it still stinks.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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