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Gordie Offline OP
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So looking for some advice. So my W and I are working our way through our D settlement and an issue has come up that I haven't thought about: holidays.

My W's mindset is that we will still have lots of family time together post-D...family dinners, birthdays together, holidays together, vacations, etc. She says D doesn't mean the end of our family (silly Gordie)...and she says it with all sincerity like she really means it...what is going on?

Is this fantasy? cake eating? How should I be thinking about this/responding? As of now, I told my W I need more time to think about it...and suspect she'll ask me about it again this weekend...


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Holidays. Things I used to love and now dread! I can tell you what we did. We named the "major" holidays in our agreement and have named specific details about them. Christmas Eve/Day we split the day each year, same with Easter. Thanksgiving and New Years we take turns having the kids, so I'll have them for those holidays every other year. The "minor" holidays and school breaks we didn't include in the agreement, mostly to allow more flexibility for the kids as they get older. The stipulation reads that we will decide between ourselves how we want to handle them. If either of us really pitches a fit we can always go to family court, which neither of us wants to it behooves us to remain amicable. We each have them for one full interrupted week in the summer.

I think what works for one family might not necessarily work for the next. My H seems to think we'll all be one big happy family for birthdays as well. I don't see that happening, but I've got 6 months until my daughter's birthday so plenty of time to see what things look like then.

Now what she means by this - your guess is as good as mine! H thinks that we'll all still go to church together on Christmas Eve. What? With his GF in tow? I think that must just be another aspect of their warped perception of reality.


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
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Gord & Karen...not sure if this is all part of the script that I haven't heard yet, but mine said that families don't get destroyed during divorce, they just get restructured. She is under the same delusion that we will be one big happy restructured family. The only difference is that she will be able to possibly find her passion with someone else. That is total MLCBS...to me anyway.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Well, my H claims to realize that he has destroyed my life and the girls' lives (his word). However, that fact doesn't have any power over the fact that he "needs to live his truth" (thanks, quack therapist for that phrase). I think he says the word but has yet to fully comprehend the meaning. Perhaps when there isn't a happy restructured family in place they start to see reality?

Apparently there is a scene in the move Couples Retreat where one of the characters is going on about "his truth". I'd laugh at the absurdity if it wasn't wreaking so much damage in our lives. I might have to rent it though.


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
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G--

My MLC-W has/had a similar view. My personal opinion is that it is a mix of hope, goodwill, fantasy and cake-eating. It all springs from a positive view of who you are as a partner and a Dad. But there is a strong fantasy and cake eating component. She gets to avoid feeling guilty for blowing up the family if she can believe that the impact on the family is minimized.

Sure, it can happen that way, where all the holidays happen as before. But who knows? If your W is deeply in love with some OM, can you guarantee that you will be OK with being w/ her on all the holidays? What if you fall in love with someone new? Can your W guarantee that she'll be OK w/ that? What if you and your new partner create a blended family, with its own holiday traditions? Do you want to be handcuffed, at that point, to your *previous* family's traditions, even though your W is long gone as a wife and a lover?

That's just how I thought of it, Gordie. As much as I'd like to keep my family's holidays intact ... when my W divorces me, that breaks up our mutual commitment to be there for each other. It just seems contradictory to say "I hereby break my commitment to be there with you and for you 100% all of the time," but at the same time say, "but I expect you to guarantee that our holidays will be exactly the same."

My approach has been to say we will try to do the holidays together as long as we can agree, but to lay out a plan to alternate parenting 50-50 for all the holidays as something we fall back onto, in case we can no longer agree. That way, we can hope for the best, but each of us can be assured that in the worst case the holidays are split equitably.

My state has a nicely designed worksheet you can fill out that addresses all of the major holidays and school breaks. I found it to be very useful.

HTH.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
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Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Gordie Offline OP
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KarenHC...yes, how to turn holidays from wonder...to dread, so sad. And yes, my W and I still take the kids to church together most Sundays...I've resisted asking if she's expecting that to continue to...I guess I'm playing it by ear. My W hasn't used the my truth language...she prefers following her heart...absurd? yes, his is absurd...

SBJ...restructured? no, I haven't heard that one...but an ongoing, happy family? yes, W says we don't have to be like other unhappy, D families, that we can do this differently...and that we will all be happier...yippee...MLCBS...we have to add that to the abbreviations!

ForGump...yes, I think our Ws caught the same fantasy/infection...wish I knew the cure...I like your approach:

"...we will try to do the holidays together as long as we can agree, but to lay out a plan to alternate parenting 50-50 for all the holidays as something we fall back onto, in case we can no longer agree. That way, we can hope for the best, but each of us can be assured that in the worst case the holidays are split equitably."

My boundary? The one thing I have said is I'm not doing family celebrations, holidays and vacations with W and POM...that if POM is there, then I won't want to be there...and you know what my W said? I'll really like him once I get to know him...barf!


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Posts: 2,045
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Originally Posted By: Gordie
Being the fixer type, I want to stop her from making what I see as bad choices and the consequences of them...but this time I can't, I won't.


This is interesting to me. You say these are "bad choices". Objectively, Im having a hard time following you. If shes being offered $10 or $20 and she chooses $10, then fine, I agree. Thats a bad choice.

But in this case, is choosing divorce a "bad choice"? Im not necessarily sure thats an answerable question.

Im not sure how valuable it is to make that distinction. But sometimes when got in a rut or started feeling down, I would do what the book says and start from a beginner's mind. If you change your perspective so that it's just "a choice", then how do things look.

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Originally Posted By: Gordie
My W's mindset is that we will still have lots of family time together post-D...family dinners, birthdays together, holidays together, vacations, etc. She says D doesn't mean the end of our family (silly Gordie)...and she says it with all sincerity like she really means it...what is going on?

Is this fantasy? cake eating? How should I be thinking about this/responding? As of now, I told my W I need more time to think about it...and suspect she'll ask me about it again this weekend...


My opinion is that you should have a list of holidays and who gets what. Then if the "controlling" parent wants to offer the other parent the time, then so be it.

In my case, we have New Years Eve/Day, Easter, Memorial Day, 4th July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Halloween as 'holidays'. We switch off year to year. Birthdays and other events are just 'luck of the calendar'.

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Gordie Offline OP
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Yes...choices..."bad" choices is a judgment...I guess if I'm honest, I still do judge and think it's bad to break up your family to pursue one of your friend's children who is 20 years your junior and is nearly the same age as our oldest...still haven't let that judgment go...sigh.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 70
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What?! You'll like him once you get to know him?! Are you kidding me?!

Incredulous is the perfect word to describe my feelings for MLCBS. Ugh.


Me : 42
Him : 43
M : 18, T : 19
D13, D11
4/16 1st BD (ILYB)
11/16 H wants s, moves out of br
1/17 H rents house & moves out
2/17 OW (he denies PA but EA last winter)
5/17 I filed for D 7/17 D Final
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