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Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2680955&page=10

Job, Irish, thanks for stopping by. Not having to wear that shoe feels great!

Had to start a new thread, as my old one reached 100 posts. I wish I could start it on a more positive note… But… the truth is that I’ve been struggling lately. The blues of the holidays didn’t wear off as I expected. On the contrary they got worse and I feel like I’m in a minor depression right now. I think the weather contributed to this as well, it’s been raining for more than a week now. I had to call sick at work today, because I didn’t feel like I would be able to handle all that stress that is going on at work right now. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and cry… Didn’t quite happen this way, as I still had to be online answering e-mails and doing the work…

I went to the friend’s dinner last night. These are the people who have a house at the vacation home and who hosted the Christmas dinner and then New Year’s. H was at both of these. They told me that when they invited H for Christmas dinner, he was not so sure at first, he thought that it would be weird with me in there too. So, I was right, the first night when I arrived at the vacation home on the Christmas weekend and H was at these people’s house, he was testing the waters… if he would be comfortable around me at the Christmas dinner. He told my friends that it was fine. Right… I knew that, as he stayed for the entire night…

Then my friends brought a few points that I didn’t want to hear… It seems that they still believe that I and H could become good friends… They discuss our situation like it was a mutual decision to end the M… and that H should have a shot to having our vacation home as his own place and being able to bring a woman in there… Grrr…. These people have no idea what I went through after the BD… and still going through… But… the interesting part is that I start feeling like the BD was not a big deal… That this is just how the things work (or don’t work in our case)… and I should not feel any hurt… because H just didn’t like his life with me… big deal… what is wrong with me???

I know that I keep bringing this into myself… Hanging around with people who are also H’s friends. What do I do??? Do I just tell them I don’t want to see them anymore? I know I can tell them to not have any conversation about H… But, it just happens. I know, I will have 2x4 here for this…

Interesting part was that a couple hours into our dinner, my friends decided to call our mutual friends at the vacation home, to say hi. Well, our mutual friends at the vacation home also had a dinner and H was there… What a coincidence…

As a side note… H texted me a couple of times asking about the company file and his checks. I got a couple of his checks (payments for his invoices) and deposited them to the company accounts. But… I kept forgetting to let him know. Not typical for me, I guess…

At this point, I feel like I came to the crossroad’s, but cannot decide which way to go. I feel like I’m at a standstill… Looking for any signs to tell me what I need to do next… I have no energy… I feel down… I feel discouraged… I feel like I lost all the hope to be happy again… I’m getting by, I get my stuff done, I manage to do my job, to pay my bills, etc… But… I feel lonely and not so strong these days… Sorry for the rant.


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You will get through this phase too. Don't put yourself under pressure to choose your path. Have faith that you will go in the right direction and until then, just be. I do believe in the benefits of moving forward and taking positive control of our lives, but not to the extent of feeling we HAVE to decide something or HAVE to do something. Your path will present itself when you are ready. Let it come to you in it's own good time.

As for your friends I think you should put a boundary on discussing H. If you like these people why deprive yourself of them? But I would look into widening your social circle.

I understand you feeling lonely and unhappy. It suckks.But do remember they are separate issues and your happiness does not depend on you being in a R. There are many married people who are lonely and many single people who are happy.

Here we often hear of the benefits of GAL. They are undeniable.
WWe can fill our lives with as much fun and other stuff and life can be great. I think being in a loving R is something that cannot be replaced by other things. But at the moment we don't have that, so best to concentrate on being happy.

Treat yourself to something nice today, even if it is just 5 minutes to enjoy a hot chocolate. Then plan something that you enjoy for this week. Ring an old (or new) friend.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
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Next R chat Aug'17
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Hello Bright, I'm sorry you have been feeling low and I do think that Roist posts wisely. There is no need to make any kind of decision about anything just now - unless you feel that would be what you want to do.

So, I agree that self care is called for - give yourself what you need to improve your mood and wellbeing. Plan some nice things with friends (who don't talk about H) and have a think about how you are spending your time and whether there are new things you want to consider to bring more joy, purpose and meaning to your life.

I wouldn't make your H central to any of this unless you feel you need some more closure - in which case that's up to you. Equally, if you choose to continue standing, focus on continuing to create the best life possible for yourself. Independent of whatever he may be doing.

I agree with Roist that conversations like these with friends certainly aren't helpful and it would be quite reasonable to tell your friends that you would prefer not to have them. Even if you say after the event - I hope it's okay, but when we meet I'd prefer not to discuss our marital situation...it doesn't really help me to do that - I know you'll understand. A good mutual friend recently said to me - 'He isn't the man I thought he was' - that kind of helped me - I don't know if she keeps in touch with XH or not...

Your H is central in your post above and perhaps he needs to go firmly on the back burner instead??

I do hope you'll be feeling better soon and please post if you feel we can help xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hello, my dear friend! I'm so sorry you have been so blue... The winter blues go to me a little this year too! And also my s... nothing to do w xh, but dang, once you get to that spot, I think sometimes, no matter how happy you are, you can get a taste of it again.

But, onward and upward, my friend. I hope things are progressing and you are back on the upswing... I know I've said this before, but for me, girl, I totally deleted the commonalities we would share to eliminate those struggling emotions and connections.

I'm so glad you can attend things together. Thats great for you, as you always seem so graceful. For me, I'm not that graceful... I had to cut it all off and restart a-new... do me. It really helped with those cycling feelings and emotions and made me feel so much better about myself.

Hang in there, my sweet friend. I truly hope you are taking care of you...

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Thanks roist, Sotto and Mighty for stopping by. And thank you for your support.

Mighty, what a pleasant surprise to see your post! I’ve been always following your story and you always amaze me. You are a strong woman and a great mother for your S and D. I’m so happy that you are in a better place now. I wish I could do what you did and just cut everything dry. Some people tell me that it would be the best thing for me. Maybe so… I guess I will know when it happens…

Roist, thank you for y our advice. I will try to handle the conversations with mutual friends a little better. The thing is that I’ve been on this MLC journey for 4 ½ years now. I’ve done a great deal of GAL and also meet a lot of people. I’m actually kind of tired of GAL and want to spend some time by myself now. I’m not the person who easily makes friends with everybody and anybody, I’m kind of selective who I consider my true friends. These people happen to be H’s friends too… Sigh… But, I hear you, that I need to concentrate on my own happiness and the thing are actually not that bad when I think about it…

Sotto, thank you your kind words, as always… You are one of a few who still stop by and check my posts, even though I’m not very good at answering right away. Yes, I agree with you 100% that I need to do more of self care now. I think I reached a certain point in my life where I felt comfortable being completely on my own and taking care of things just fine… but… started to feel that something was missing in my life… a person who I could share my life with… I hope it makes sense.

As H being central in my posts… I guess this is what I come here for… My life is pretty stable and settled. I have one unresolved issue right now, which is H… Like I said, I feel that I’m at the crossroads, but don’t know which way to go. I can certainly continue to stand and do what I’ve been doing… Or, I can file for D and start the process… I just think I lost the sense of what’s going on in my sitch. I certainly don’t feel like I want to be the one to initiate D. But, I don’t know how to push H to do that either. I’ve been quite strait forward lately. Nice, but to the point. I can just tell him that he has to start the process. But… I don’t know if I’m not seeing something… if I’m missing some signs… etc… of him coming around… I don’t dwell on his every action or word anymore. I have almost no emotion about his actions, etc… And considering this, some of his actions seem strange to me… for a person who wanted to finish the “phase of his life with me” to move on to the next one…

So, here is some update. Not much, but I guess it will be for my own record, LOL. It was H’s b-day a couple of weeks ago. I sent him a card ahead of time to his PO box, but I don’t think he checked it. I was contemplating whether to call him or send him a text on his b-day. He used to call me every year after the BD, except for the last year. I was in Vegas with my GF last year, I think he knew that, so that might be why he didn’t call. So, I decided to call him… He sounded like he was happy to talk to me. I asked him casually about his plans for the day, and he told me that he didn’t have any and he was cleaning the stuff in the garage. I don’t know if he really didn’t have any plans or he just didn’t want to tell me. I have a feeling that he is trying to present himself as a “decent” man recently, hahaha… not a party animal…

I kept the conversation short, wished him a great day and said good bye. I felt like if I would keep talking and asking questions he would totally talk more. But, I was at work, plus not really prepared for a long conversation.

He texted me yesterday with some business related stuff, which was not really urgent. Tonight, I called my mutual friends’ house at the vacation home to ask them what they need me to bring when I go there next week. Coincidence again… they told me H was there for dinner with another couple who I know.

So, it’ like H is everywhere… More I think that I need to cut the cord and do something, more he is “in my face”, so to speak… Again… this could be just my speculation… as I cannot “see” my sitch anymore… This is where I hope to get some feedback or prospective… Either way… either people will tell me that all this is just my wishful thinking… or there is something to it that I could build on…

Long post again… sorry…


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Hi Bright! I understand the reasons to focus on our spouses actions in these situations. How else are we to know what is or isn't working, or where they're at? As long as it isn't stopping us from enjoying life, I see no harm. Post away. Like you said, your life is stable and steady as is, and you seem happy enough with it to me.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

As H being central in my posts… I guess this is what I come here for… My life is pretty stable and settled. I have one unresolved issue right now, which is H… Like I said, I feel that I’m at the crossroads, but don’t know which way to go.


Does H know you are at a crossroads? If not, why?

Michele implores us to not wait until we are triple done to tell our spouse.

What do you think would happen if you told him? Play out all possible responses in your mind.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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FY, thank you for the feedback! It made me think...

No, I don't think H knows that I'm at the crossroads. He might feel it... and this is why he "checks in" with me periodically. The thing is, that I don't know why H keeps the contact and common stuff going. It just might be very convenient for him. Or, subconsciously he feels that he needs to do that... I don't think he is all the way out of the tunnel. I think he is still baking. Like job said numerous times that my H is a very slow MLCer.

I will try to play all the possible responses, like you suggested. But... for some reason I think that he would retreat deeper in the tunnel, if I would give him any indication that I am still standing for our M. I better be prepared for alternative steps, if I would tell him that. I'm not sure I'm ready...

I was sick again last week. My work schedule and this retuned sense of limbo is taking a toll on me.

I'm going to the vacation home place this weekend. I have company holiday next Monday, so I decided to take some time off and relax. I'm going to stay in my condo. I think H and some of his crazy friends (including that crazy woman) are going on a week long trip south, so there should be no distraction to my stay there. My mutual friends are expecting me, and my other friends are going to be there as well. I just hope for a good sunny weather.


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Hello, my fellow DBers! I’s been the longest I have not posted. I try to keep up with the threads, especially with the once that have been here for some time. I have to admit that I have not been reading the new once that much. I know all newcomers are in good hands here, with all the wisdom and support that this board has. I’m personally the one to benefit from all that wisdom and support, and I will always be grateful for that.

There are not much updates on my sitch, it is all pretty much all the same, slow motion limbo… It is pretty much the same “game”… I am nice, doing things for H. He is nice too. Once I start questioning myself if I’m doing too much for H and that I should stop it, he picks out of the hall and has some “business matters” that need to be addressed.

After the Thanksgiving party at my friend’s house at the vacation home, I was at another party for St. Patrick’s day at the same house, where H was also invited. There was some interesting conversation that I’ve learnt off, but I’m not going to bother anyone with it here.

For the once who are familiar with my “lipstick story”, it is solved now. H admitted that the lipstick shipment was a fraudulent thing on his bank account, and that he just played along with it to make me believe that it was a gift from him. Of course, I didn’t ask why he decided to play along. But, at least I know that my intuition was right. I always thought there was something weird with this “lipstick story”. Plus, to H’s credit, he had to come clean with it.

As for my personal life, I’ve been absolutely insanely busy at work (so it explains the lack of posts here, as I have no energy.) A few weeks ago I had to go to the East coast for a project go life. I logged 94 hours of work in 7 days. I’m still supporting that project. Even though it slowed down a bit, I still cannot make myself to relax. I need some serious vacation time. I have a few things in plans in works, including going to the vacation home (actually staying at our still mutual place, since my own condo is renting for the weekend smile.

And the biggest event that is happening in my life right now is my son’s graduation from college! Yes, long awaited! It is this weekend. H is flying in from the state where he works for the event. This is probably going to be the closest encounter with H, also for my family, who have not seen him for a long time. But, I could not care less about H… I’m just trying to make sure that I have everything worked out for my son’s graduation and the party. I’m so stressed about it right now. I want it to be perfect.

Last edited by job; 05/18/17 09:33 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

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Congratulations to your son on his graduation from college! You have so much to be proud of! As for your h, this is your son's big day and all focus should be on him and his accomplishments. Don't allow your h's attendance to take away from that.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi bright
Great news for your son. A new chapter in his life will begin.
Like job said. It's his day :-)

As for working u too you drop. I use to be that person. When this all started I needed to keep busy. If I wasn't doing activities with my girls it was work.

I since changed that. I still spend all the time doing things with the girls but I slowed down on work. Yes it pays the bills. my life memories aren't reflecting back on my day at work, or the contract I signed. It's my girls, my family, my time alone taking pictures in nature. So I focus more on those things because that is what makes me happy and relaxed.

Slow down, smell that flower or sit in a park and breath.

Hugs to you peace xox


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BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
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Bright! {{{{{<3}}}}} It's like old home week here, with you, Lou and MLeigh finally posting again. Missed you!!! Listen to Irish - slow down, if you can. Enjoy your son's graduation, what a wonderful accomplishment for him! xoxoxoxo so good to "see" you !


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
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Thanks job, Irish and bttrfly for stopping by. My son’s graduation was a very happy event. H flew in and stayed with his brother, they also drove together to the ceremony, even though I offered a ride, as I was picking up my son’s GF. The party after the ceremony was in my son’s house that he rents with his GF, her brother and a friend. A few of my friends were invited, including the mutual friends from the vacation home.

H and his brother were a bit uncomfortable at first, but then relaxed. My family treated H like a long lost relative. Their kids hugged him and told him how happy they were to see him. My sister and her H spoke with his quite a bit. My sister told H that they will always consider H as a family and they are very grateful for what H (and I of course) did for them when they first immigrated to the country. H was very touched, thanked my sister and told her that it was important for him to hear this.

My sister told me that she was very impressed how I handled everything and behaved around H. She said that I was neutral and classy. I didn’t feel any discomfort with H being there. I just enjoyed the moment. I think my son was also a bit nervous about the whole thing at first, but then relaxed as well. He thanked me multiple times for the great party and great time. My fiends also told me that they had a great time.

H and I talked a bit. He asked me if I was going to the vacation home for the Memorial Day weekend (which I already told his that I would go). He then asked me if I’ve been to a new restaurant that opened close to the development and that I need to check it out and they have a happy hour and serve beer for $0.75. I mentioned that I already told H about going to the vacation home. Well, in one of business related e-mails he asked “If for any reason you need to use my condo for anything, please let me know ahead of time so I can make sure it is ready.” I thought it was interesting, because I had not asked about it at that time, he kind of volunteered it. I also thought that he is not telling me that I cannot stay in “his” condo anymore, because I have mine now.

I’m at the vacation home this weekend. When I was driving here, I was thinking that I would feel more comfortable in my own condo, then in the joint one (especially that H calls it “his”), but when I got here, it felt so natural. I can’t put a finger on it, but I think I’m kind of not associating this condo with H, but just feel comfortable with all the familiar stuff. I can’t even explain it.

H moved my clothes from the master bedroom to another bedroom though. I guess he needs more closet space, LOL. He didn’t move my stuff that is in one of the cabinets under the sink (my side), and he didn’t move things that I have in the drawers in the side table next to the bed. Maybe it will be the next step, LOL. I brought some of my clothes back to the master bedroom for me to use while I’m here. I have no problem moving it back when I leave. I don’t want to invade H’s space, even though I’m kind of doing it by staying in the condo. I think I feel ok with that because I don’t see any evidence of a possible OW anywhere here.

I have some more updates to follow.


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So, here are the rest of the updates. Not sure if they matter anymore…

As I mentioned before, my work was absolutely insane for a few months. I think it influenced my moods and feelings. There were some interactions with H and things he said, and I don’t even remember all of them. When I think about it, I can see some signs… But, at the same time, there is no action. And, I think I’m tired of waiting for something to happen in my sitch and pretty much gave up on any hope… to even hear any remorse or apology from H. So, I don’t even pay attention to things anymore. There are little things/signs are not enough anymore…

So, here are few things that would be a big deal for me 3 years ago. At St. Patrick’s Day gathering at my friends’ house, H was asked how he does his taxes while living at the vacation home place (which is in Mexico). He “announced publicly”, that “Bright did taxes for me last year and I hope she does it this year”. This is new. H has always been pretty secretive about our mutual business stuff. Even our mutual friends were not aware of a lot of things. Well, mind you, the guy who asked the question, had clear interest in me and was trying all night to sit next to me and talk to me.

H is regularly forwarding to me the e-mails from Quick Books about the taxes (his email is on QB subscription), while before he was doing it randomly. So, either he is paying more attention to the business stuff, or wants to remind of himself more often, as I don’t consult with him on some of the stuff I used to before, and just do it, and then inform him about everything in one e-mail.

H texted me that he wanted to pay himself and what would be the best time to do it (middle of May or end of May), so I could process payroll taxes. I told that middle of May would be better for me, as I would be busy later (my son’s graduation, etc.)
So, on Mother’s Day, H sent me the updated company file with his payroll and asked to have it back as soon as, I’m done with updates. He texted me to inform about the file and wished me happy Mother’s Day. Wow!!! First in the last 4 years, I think. It felt good, I can’t deny it…

It was about a week before my son’s graduation. I sent the updated file back. Then I got a text from H saying that he could not save that file, he was getting some errors in QB. He then sent me a video of him trying to update QB. I thought that if he sent me the video, he really needed to make it work and update the file. So, I called him from my work and tried to identify what kind of problem he was having. We had no success. I told him that I would send another file and see if it would resolve the problem. I did, and also sent him the screen shot to who how I update the file, so he could follow.

Next day I received a text from him saying that the website where we exchange the files would not let him download the file, and following my instructions still lead to the same errors. I was like, hmmmm…. which is that, you can’t download the file… or the instructions don’t work. I also went to the website and it showed that the file was downloaded. I didn’t reply right away, but got a text from H that he will just bring the “darn laptop” with him when he comes for my son’s graduation.

If I think about it… I informed H and other people in the e-mail that my son’s graduation party would be at his house. It almost feels like H wanted to see my house, and when he learnt that the party would not be at my house, he used all kinds if excuses to still come to my house. I might be wrong… my I learnt to trust my intuition…

So, I texted H that he could some over on the next day after the graduation party to tackle his computer issues. He came over in the morning… I was happy and contained as a clam… My missions was accomplished, my son graduated and we had an amazing graduation party the night before! We chatted about some things while he was starting his laptop. He asked if I could make him some coffee &#61514; … as he didn’t have any in his brother’s house. I made him some coffee… I didn’t put much though into it as I used the remaining coffee grounds, and I think I made it too weak… Oh well… He didn’t complain… I felt guilty afterwards though…

I remember him drinking the coffee without anything in it, just blank. I asked him if he wanted anything in his coffee, like cream or sugar. He said that he wanted some cream. And then he just got up and went to the refrigerator to looks for the cream… without waiting for me to bring it over… It’s like he wanted to see what I have in my refrigerator, LOL. I’m sure he also took a good look what was in my kitchen. It seems like he was taking a good look around the house and in the backyard from the living room window.

He noticed that the trees were grown so big… and the storage shed was rotten… I told him that a guy (from the vacation home and also a mutual sort of a friend) was coming over at some point to fix the storage shed, and I also need to hire some people to cut the trees down. He didn’t say anything about that… But… it looked like he was trying to see as much as he could while he was in the house… We talked about some things and it almost felt like he was looking for some sounding board about some stuff happening in his life… He was very cautions though… and I was not overly interested… I “supported” him on some of the stuff… as job always mentions, like a long lost friend…

After we were done with updating the files and talking, he made his way to the door… without any attempt of a hug… just congratulated my again on my son’s graduation (to which I replied by congratulating him too…) and walked out of the door…

So…. Where am I right now? Noticed some “stuff”… but not counting on it in any way… As I mentioned before, if there are any “actions” or “movements”, it is not enough anymore… I’m pretty well determined to keep moving on… I’m still not doing any drastic measures to separate things, and it is still pretty much a status quo… But… I’m in a much better place now… even though I have blues and sad feelings once in a while. It took me almost 5 years to come to this point… Yes, I’m slow… so is my H, LOL…


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Hi Bright,
i think you are right to keep moving on, at YOUR pace. So often we LBSs are forced to move at the pace of the MLCr ... personally, I'm not an advocate of that ... then again, I'm divorced, lol.

Anyway, I think focusing on your goals is better for your peace of mind. Congratulations again on son's graduation! smile
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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when you talked about how your H was looking around the house it reminded me of whats been said
time passes and the MLCer stands still still thinking everything and everyone is the same
it must be for them like coming out of a coma
Moving forward is the best move for the LBS
If Mlcer comes around or has a change of heart..you will see signs if not best to keep recreating ourselves and decide what we want from here

Best
peace


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Bright!!!!! Congratulations to your son. I am so happy to read your updates. I think you sound great and very strong. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever completely be able to stop hoping for the fairy tale. Maybe you are like that too. Logically we understand but some teeny spot deep down in our heart wishes for that epiphany after MLC and then the declaration of love before friends and family and a snowy white unicorn.

It could happen. You might never completely let go of the wish but you are living and laughing and GALing without letting your wish cast any shadow on your life right now. That is a huge step my friend. You are not analyzing his actions but living your life. Good for you Bright. Good. For. You.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
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“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
&#8213; Maya Angelou



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bttrfly, peace and Gwen, thanks for stopping by!

Another thing I forgot to mention, H sent me a card for my b-day this year and also texted me on the day of my b-day. Last year he apologized for not sending a card, but still texted me. The handwriting in the card was a bit nicer than in some other cards he sent to me in the last 4 years, it’s like he put more thought into it, LOL.

bttrfly, we are kind of at a similar pace, haha. He is moving very slow in his MLC journey, and I’m moving very slow in my LBS journey. Sometimes I think what I could have done in the last almost 5 years, if it were not for going through this horrible experience… But… it is what it is. I will get there eventually…

peace, this is exactly what I came to realize. MLCer could eventually come around… or not… I've re-created my life to the best I could. I still have some struggles, but, generally, I’m in a good place.

Gwen, thank you for the encouragement! Yes, I think I’m one of those who never stop dreaming of a fairy tale… It doesn’t stop me from living my live and enjoying the time with my friends and family. I think H is missing out on a lot of this. I think the way my family (my sister and her family, my son…) treated him at the graduation should make him think… of he gave up on something that was worth of fighting for…

I just can’t come to the terms of one thing. The coffee that I made for him when he came to my house to fix his QB issues. I think I made the coffee that was too weak, LOL (it was the last scoop I had and I didn’t grind more coffee to fill up the pot... lazy...) I could have put more effort in it. Every morning when I make coffee, I think about it… and feel somewhat sorry for H… he wanted a cup of good coffee, and I failed to produce it… I really need to get over this, LOL.

For those who’ve been here for a long time and remember my story… I finally got my storage shed in the back yard fixed! A guy who I know from the vacation home place did the work for me. I had to pay him $400, but it is done now!

And, some more… I posted some pictures from my son’s graduation on FB. H was on a few of the pics. I didn’t give it any thought, because this was my son’s big event, and everyone was there, including H. So, next thing I know, his older brother “liked” the pictured and two days later I’ve got the friend requests from this older brother’s wife and daughter. I was thinking hard for about 3-4 days before I decided to accept the friend’s requests. I figured that I would give it a shot and if it gets too weird, I can always unfollow them, so I don’t see their posts (which could include comments to H’s posts, etc.) on my feed. So far it has not been a problem.

This contact coincidentally came at the same time when I was seriously thinking how I need to start separating the joint business with H…

My life has been very busy lately. I flew to another state with one of my former coworker and friend and another lady from work, to visit with two other former coworkers and friends for the weekend. I’m having a local neighborhood lady’s day at the spa this weekend, and then I’m going to my friend’s daughter’s wedding in a week or so. I’m actually looking forward to some alone time by myself after that, LOL.


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Bright,

You are doing very well. I'm so glad that you are doing things w/your friends and taking the time out to fly out to see former co-workers and friends. You need that break every once in a while. I am also glad to read that you've finally gotten your shed repaired. It's been a while and now you can check that project off your list.

So, what are your plans for the summer?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
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Nice to hear an update Bright. I think of you often...


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
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You sound Happy!

we do get there


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Thanks job, HaWho and peacetoday! Not a beep from H after the graduation weekend. I'm contemplating whether to wish him Happy Father's day tomorrow. I stopped doing it a few years ago, after I was not getting anything for Mother's Day. But, he texted me this year. So, should I return the favor?


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I would wish him a Happy Father's Day. You have nothing to lose by doing it.


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Thank you, job! I was thinking the same... No harm in wishing him Happy Father's Day.


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Hello my fellow DBers! It’s been a while since my last update. I’ve been following some of the threads, but just didn’t have much motivation to post on mine. And, I’ve been pretty busy with work and other things in my life.

There are not too much changes in my situation or life in general. Except for no college tuition payments anymore, LOL, since my son graduated. H and I are still in the same status quo. He doesn’t file and I don’t file. We still have the same business ties and some other joint accounts. He had to re-new his sentri pass and asked me if I still had any bills on his name, since they normally ask for the proof of residency. Lucky man, I still have two bills on his name, LOL. It looks like H still has nobody in his life. I don’t either.

I was at the vacation home a few times last summer and fall, one time with my sister and nephew. All the time I stayed at the joint condo, which H calls “his” smile. He seemed to not mind me staying there. Even made sure it is cleaned, and apologized for the holes in the dry wall from the water leaks. Well, when I stay at the joint condo and my own condo rents for the same time, I give H a small amount of the rent that I get, to compensate for the utilities that I use. It works for me, as I get some rental money. Not sure what is there for H. Could be that little money that he gets from me. I guess it must be worth it, to have my presence in “his” condo, LOL.

Not sure where H’s relationship with that crazy woman at the vacation home are. Haven’t seen her all summer (which was great) and haven’t heard much. My mutual friends told me that H was not invited to her Thanksgiving dinner this year, as she had a bunch of family. So H told everyone that he spent the Thanksgiving with my mutual friends, while he was at a bar by himself and then went home. Not sure, why this was such a big secrecy.

Just read my post from last year about the Christmas party that H and I were both invited at the vacation place. What a difference. This year we both were invited to two parties, both of which had very limited crowd. The first party was just the hosting couple, our mutual friends with their 5-year-old, H and myself. There were another adult and 2 more kids at the second party. To my surprise (kind of…), H had no hesitation coming to the parties. I think last year (when he had some concerns) proved that there is nothing to worry about, that I don’t bite, LOL, and I’m not trying to make his life miserable.

It was natural and surreal at the same time. We talked like “normal” people. I treated him like another person I know (stopping short here for calling him a friend), and I think he treated me the same. I didn’t notice any extra interest in me, or him watching me, or any regret, or anything like that. I tried to look at him closer when he was not watching, out of curiosity… I guess we are both great actors, hahaha. He did ask me about my parents and how they are doing… He brought up, once again, a concert we both went to in the first couple years of our marriage. He asked me if I remember what was the opening band for that concert. Funny, he mentioned the same concert either last year or year before when we both ended up at our mutual friends’ house. Is he trying to re-live these times? If he is, he is stuck waaaaayyyy behind. Anyway, I could not remember the opening band. Was it a test to see how much of our life back then I remember?

Before I left for the vacation home last week (to stay at my own condo this time, since he was going there as well), he texted me if he could ship a box to my house. I don’t know why he could not ship it to his brother’s house, my BIL, who lives in the same neighborhood. There is some tension going on between two of them, I guess. I replied that he could ship it, but I would not be home, since I had to leave for the vacation home before that. He asked me to give him a code to the garage, since he “didn’t remember” if he had a key to the house. I’m pretty sure he does have a key, as I didn’t change the locks. So, he came to collect his box without me. I wish I was a fly on the wall to see if he went through the house to check it out.

I asked him if he could pick up a ceiling fan I bought for my condo, when he picked up his box. I bought two ceiling fans, but could only fit one in my car, since I was bringing some goods for my friends at the vacation home. He said that he could. So, he brought the fan with him. I didn’t ask about the fan at the first party we were at. He asked me about it at the second party (he has it in his car) and if I had anybody to install it. I said that I would pick it up from him, but I have nobody to install it yet. So, he said that he could do it for me. Yay! It solved my problem with the ceiling fans. I would have to hire somebody to install the fans for me, but H volunteered. One caveat here, obviously he didn’t want to do it while I was at the condo, he said that he would coordinate with our mutual friend who has a key to my condo. But, I don’t care. It actually worked better for me too, as I just enjoyed my time there, and still having the ceiling fans installed.

In one of the conversations, he mentioned that he tells people that he lives in Mexico and all that stuff. Nobody doubted him that he considers his home (condo) to be in Mexico. Not sure why he needed to mention it, nobody was trying to convince him that he lived elsewhere, LOL. Even thought, he has to go back to work in January, in one of the coldest states. He hates cold, but he needs to make some money for leaving. It means, he could spend almost the entire next year working, away from the vacation home. So, where is the home, H? Well, it was your choice… At least you don’t have to deal with this nasty wife anymore… who you still don’t want to divorce…

Overall, I still think there are no changes in my sitch, generally. I just don’t analyze things in a deep level anymore, I make observations. I bet other people could notice more in our interactions, but I just don't care. I think this is just somewhat a new normal for me and H, as we have the same friends and these friendships tend to last and develop. I think it could all change if one or both of us get a partner. At this point, I think there is no chance for H to come around, he is just too stubborn, and I think I would not like some of his trends (behaviors) anymore anyway. I think he might feel better with our recent interactions, as the way I behave probably helps him to feel less gilt. Or, whatever… I would still like to hear some regret one day. But, I’m not counting on this. I’m very self-sufficient and independent (I just recently re-done the caulking in my bathroom, all by myself smile smile smile ), but I would love to have someone nice in my life to share the moments with, and it doesn’t look like it is going to be H.

Happy New Year everyone!


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Bright,

Happy New Year!

I'm glad you posted because I have been wondering how things were going w/you. Congratulations to your son on graduating from college! What did he major in and is he working in the area of his major?

I think you are handling your situation w/a lot of dignity and patience. Your interactions w/your h sound good and no stressors in the mix. Your h is still trying to convince others that he's living in Mexico, but I honestly don't think that's where he truly wants to be. If he was really comfortable w/that comment, he would be fixing up the condo and not leaving holes in the walls.

You sound great and I hope that the new year is a better one than 2017 for you and your son. Wishing you a very, very Happy New Year!

P.S. Sent you a message on FB.

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Hi Bright - good to hear from you and it sounds as though there are many positives in your life! Well done to your S on his achievement too grin

As for your H, it sounds as though he spent a bit of a sad time at Thanksgiving and his life is a little sad generally, so he feels he needs to lie a little about his circumstances, which is a shame.

In your situation, I still wonder a little about the extent of the ties you have and whether that works for you and really helps you move forward or even on. It's always your choice of course, but maybe something to think about as time goes on if there isn't really any change.

That said, you genuinely sound good in so many ways and are clearly enjoying many aspects of your 'unasked for' new life - so kudos to you.

Have a very happy new year and my best wishes for 2018. Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Happy New Year Bright! Nice to "hear" from you! xoxoxoxo


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Thank you job, Sotto, and bttrfly for stopping by and Happy New Year wishes! Happy New Year to all of you too!

Job, got your message! I keep up with the news there, from people who don’t post here much anymore. I think H is still firmly believing that he lives in Mexico. At least he wants to believe it. He is doing the repairs to the condo, it is just he’s not being there much, as he has to work. These water leaks are an ongoing issue for some of the condos, and our joint condo (H’s condo, as he wants to call it, LOL) is one of them. He is actually trying to make it his home. Not sure he is 100% convinced anymore, but it sounds like he is trying… As a lot of other people who settled down there, in Mexico… they are trying to convince themselves and other people that this is the best place to be… I agree, that it is a wonderful place to have a vacation home! But… I’m a bit skeptical about making it a permanent residence with no ties back to the US. But… it is just me…

So… I’m posting this just for the record… In case it helps someone… or it will make a history in my sitch, LOL, which I doubt…

Back to my previous post… when I was at the vacation home… I admit I had an expectation about H coming to hook up the ceiling fans when I was there. Still some controlling issue for me, ha. I just really wanted to get this done. When I called H, I think on my last day at the vacation home, and he was busy and not really interested in the conversation, I panicked a bit. I needed to make sure that the fans were getting installed. Then I told myself to relax. It was not that important after all. He called me on the 31st … on the New Year’s eve. He was at my condo with our mutual friend, installing the ceiling fans! He asked me which side of the blades I want to face down.

Then, on the New Year’s eve we were having a traditional celebration at my sister’s and I wanted to text H early in the evening to wish him a Happy New Year. I told myself to wait and be patient to see if he would text me first… It paid off! He texted me that he installed the ceiling fans and wishing me a Happy New Year. I replied back with my wishes and thanking him for the fans. I actually told him he was “the best”, LOL… I had a few drinks by then… We exchanged a few more texts… it seems like he was happy to chat… I also sent him the pictures of my sister’s family that I took that night. Not a big deal for me with all that conversation… The observation is though that he was not in any “exiting” company for the New Year’s, he was with our mutual friends’, and he made sure he let me know about it.

Again, not something I’m considering a movement, LOL. He contacted me recently about our company bank account, which is just business. He also asked me (again &#61514;), if I had some coupons or good rates for car rentals. I used to get very good deals on these and always booked the rentals for him.

Sotto, thank you for your thoughts and concerns.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
As for your H, it sounds as though he spent a bit of a sad time at Thanksgiving and his life is a little sad generally, so he feels he needs to lie a little about his circumstances, which is a shame.

I don’t know… if he is unhappy, he doesn’t show it, even to my mutual friends. Even though they decided to tell me this story for whatever reason… I was not even asking…
Originally Posted By: Sotto
In your situation, I still wonder a little about the extent of the ties you have and whether that works for you and really helps you move forward or even on. It's always your choice of course, but maybe something to think about as time goes on if there isn't really any change.

Yes, I keep thinking about this all the time… This is my biggest challenge… and it drives me crazy sometimes… I keep thinking that I should shut that door tight and forever. But… something is holding me back… I think that I’m just weak…

Speaking of which… We’ve been having a regular text exchanges with H about one thing or another. My mutual friends also keep giving me the updates on him… for example, about that he had to go back to work to a different remote state… and then his truck broke down and needed a major repair (transmission…), and that he posted on his FB that it must be Karma... My mutual friends were actually bit taken aback a bit by this last statement about Karma. And then I felt all kinds of different emotions about that. First, I felt like there was some payback (talking about Karma) and I felt a bit vindicated, then I felt remorse for feeling that… and then I felt sorry for H…

The fact that H has been super nice in all our exchanges doesn’t help at all. He almost always makes sure to address me by name (in comparison to his dry texts and e-mails a couple of years ago.) It was his B-day today. I mailed him the card a week ago, and I tried to call him today. He was on the road and the cell service was bad. So, when I got through to him, he could not hear me well, and then the call dropped. I called a couple of hours later and left a voice mail. He texted me later thanking me for the message and for the card.

There are some observations, that make me think that H is probably “processing” some things… but it doesn’t lead anywhere. He will probably be a better H and partner for someone else in the future if he gets to the bottom of his problems. But, as he said in the past, “there is no going back”. And… he keeps reiterating that he lives in Mexico (FB comments)…

Some examples of his comments. At one of the Christmas parties he mentioned his friend, who comes to live at the vacation home place during the winter (one of the snow birds.) He and his wife bought a house there, but a year after that his wife died of cancer. He was devastated. A year after that he met a very nice woman, who he brought with him to the vacation home every year since. Everyone liked her and everything seemed to be good. But H said, that after a few years, his friend told him that even though this woman was very nice, it was not the same as with his late wife. H said it with the said face… I thought it was interesting, as he was so sure at the time of BD that he and I could always find somebody else and be happier.

I also get to see some of his comments on FB, to one of our common friends, which we have a few on FB. Recently someone posted a story about a retired couple who were “forced” to divorce and leave 20 miles apart, so they could maintain their eligibility for Medicare. The story was about how devastating it is for these people to be apart. H’s comment was “It is very sad”… So, H, what about people who are forced to be apart because someone decided they needed a different life…? I don’t think it even registers in his head though… Or, does it..?

So, this is where I am. Sorry about the long post again. It was brewing for a few weeks, LOL. I just really need to figure out how to get out this slow motion sitch. I think I might be making a record on this board for the slowest and longest limbo…


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Bright,

I am so glad you posted an update. I am really happy to read that your h installed the ceiling fans for you. Sometimes we have to step back and allow them the opportunity to get it done on their time clock and not ours. Trying to push them to get things done when we want them done doesn't always work and it builds up resentment. I'm sure your h was happy to do the work for you. It meant more to him when he could do it when he was ready and you thanked him for doing so.

The ceiling fan installation was a lesson in patience and expectations and you saw that when you let your expectations go, he came through for you w/o any prodding. This is a good lesson for all of us, i.e., dig deeper for patience and let your expectations go. I'm really proud of you for not bugging him about doing this for you.

Your h is still processing things in his life. He's seeing and hearing of couples who are experiencing separation, divorce and death of a life's partner. He's taking all of this info in and mulling it over. What he does w/the info, well...that will be up to him.

As for living in Mexico, it's a nice place to visit, but I'm always glad to return home. In your h's mind, he thinks he lives there, but the condo is just a stop over when he's not working. I think he would get bored fairly quickly if he lived there full time. While he's working, he's able to move around and the scenery changes all of the time, whereas living in one place for a very long time would get old for him. They need constant change during the crisis.

I hope that the new year will bring much joy and happiness your way. Please don't be a stranger...come back and post whenever you have time.


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Hello, my fellow DBers! Not sure if I can call myself that anymore, LOL. Happy New Year to everyone who still remembers me and to all new folks who joined the MLC forum since last year. It’s been almost a year since I posted. I’ve been reading the updates regularly thought. And there are so many new posters in MLC forum. I’m sorry you are here. But… you are in the right place. There is so much wisdom and great advice you can get here. Thanks to all of the “old” timers, moderators and people who read and comment on the posts. I want to say a special thank you to you, job! You’ve been a source of an invaluable wisdom, advice and support here. You helped me a lot during my journey and I will always remember that.

It’s been 6 ½ years post DB. And I can say I’ve been doing great! I have a great family and friends. I distanced myself from the friends who kept asking why I was not moving on with my life, meaning why I was not pursuing an official D, etc. In my opinion, I’ve been moving in my life quite nicely.

I went on 3-week vacation to Europe with my two single ladies. I was great! I had no sadness or regrets that H was not there. I actually liked it and enjoyed the whole trip. My travel companions (who are now my GFs) were great! No drama and very easy going. We are planning another trip for this year.

Yes... H is still in my life somewhat and popping up here and there… But, it doesn’t change what I do with my life. H and I are still not officially D’d… We still maintain a joint business, a few joint accounts. Including credit cards, an auto insurance, etc. I gave H an option to opt out of an auto in insurance one more time… My home insurance was not renewed this year, due to the high fire hazard in my area. So, I had to look for another option, which would include changing a car insurance to get a multi-policy discount. So… to make a long story short, H choose to stay with whatever auto insurance I chosen and not getting his own, LOL.

There were a few times when I interacted with H at the vacation home place. I just can’t remember all the details, as I’m not keeping track of these anymore. H has a rough start of the year, when he had to work during the winter in a cold state. But, he seemed to find another good source of work recently, working in the southern state and actually making some decent money. He seems more confident and more like his old self. He is very much up to date on the joint company business and keeping all the records strait! It looks like he is still wants to maintain a status quo though, even giving me the passwords and answer questions to some of the join accounts logins, that could be easily claimed as his own, LOL. I’m just curios how long it will continue &#61514;…

He still allows me to stay in our joint condo at the vacation home (which he claims as his home…), and seems to enjoy the fact that I stay there, LOL. I stayed there a couple of times over the summer. I treat it as a rental for me though.

Almost every time when we were in the same company (at our mutual friend’s house), I’ve heard H talking to other people who don’t really know him or me about some events in the past, and almost every time these events involved me and he mentioned me in the stories and even asked me a couple of times to confirm the details. I find it interesting.

I was at the vacation home place before and during the Christmas. It was the first time I was able to spend more than a week at that place! A combination of time off, the holidays and working remotely, which my job allows me to do! So, I saw H three times. One time he came to my condo to exchange the company file. I can tell he was comfortable doing this… We chatted some… Then we both were at our mutual friend’s house, before Christmas and for the Christmas dinner. Again, H seemed comfortable to be in the same company with me, I think he feels I would never put him in a bad spot, LOL. I treat him as a distant friend, or acquaintance.

And then unimaginable, hahaha! He came to my family’s New Year’s party. That’s right! Well, there was a kind of an excuse this year. He and his brother (my BIL) go to Holiday Bowl every year, and this year it was on the 31st. My BIL has been attending all my family events for a few years, and he wanted to be at the NY’s party as well. So, they came after the game. All I can say, it went well. All my family were happy to see H. I think he looked a bit sad (well, there was a lot of alcohol involved, so he might had been just tired), but I can tell he was happy to be there. He was talking mostly to my sister and her H, I was on the other side of the table. So, I’m sure I will hear some details later, LOL.

It is getting to be a long post now. I will continue in the next one. I’ve observed some things lately.


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Wow! 6.5 years. I'm on month 4, and I've been very anxious recently about Hs complete lack of communication with anything but logistics. I want to shake him and say "What are your plans! Are you working on what's making you so unhappy!" But, I won't, of course. Not the DBing thing to do. I was reading up on long-term separation just last night. My biggest question about that is how does one truly live their life on their own terms when they do not divorce? I also would have a problem dating if I was still married. Regardless of what H does in that regard, I think it would be a breach of vows even if separated for long-term. I'm curious how you deal with this?

It's nice to here from someone that is making a long-term separation work, though. As I posted on my own thread, several people have asked me how long I plan to "let this go on". It's tiresome.


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Bright,

I am so glad you returned w/an update. Your life has taken off and you are now exploring the world! Good for you! So, tell me, where did you go on your vacation?

I think you are very wise to have new friends, friends who do not question your decisions about a divorce, etc. People do not understand what we go through and won't until they have walked a mile in our shoes.

I think your h is starting to grow up and is warming up again to you being in his life more frequently. He's not avoiding you at the condo any longer and yes, he sees a strong and independent woman who got on w/her life. You've left the door open...but you continued to move forward and he sees this each and every time he speaks to you or hears from his brother.

I was surprised that your h finally ventured forth and attended your family's New Year's Eve Party...but that's good. He should now realize that people do not hold grudges for what he did and they all can treat him in a kind way.

So, how is your son doing?

Bright, I'm so proud of you!

Happy New Year!


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Grace21, I’ve read your recent posts and I think you are doing OK. I was in compete denial for the first 6 to 8 months. It is interesting that my H said the same thing as your H to our mutual friends shortly after the BD, that he cannot "give me what I deserve", which to my opinion is a reflection of his own issues.

Yes, my H has been hardly showing any progress. Like job said multiple times, he is a very slow MLCer.

I can’t say that I’m making this separation work. I’m not even sure what it is at this point. H refers to me as his Ex. I used to say “my estranged H”, but now I also mention him as an Ex. H is not religious, so the marriage to him is probably just a piece of paper. Never mind the vows and commitments. I’m sure he believes that because he announced to me that he doesn’t want to be married to me any longer is good enough. He thinks it is going to work for him and being legally married is not going to stop him from dating. I know that most of the decent women would not want to date a guy who is not D’d yet. I personally would not. Not sure if this subject even came up for him yet, like I said I don’t have any evidence of any OW.

As for me, I’m not on the dating market yet. This is one of the questions that I constantly get from my friends and acquaintances. It gets old… I don’t feel like I need to date. I’m perfectly fine where I am at the moment. Like it is repeated many times on this board, you are given a gift of time… And I did take the time to deal with my childhood issues (which did contribute to my marriage demise) and improve myself.
I purged a lot of believes and habits that were holding me back. I “dropped” the wall around me that I built growing up. I feel like I am finally the person I meant to be. I don’t need a man to validate me, I feel pretty good about myself. Eventually, I think, I would like a companion to share my life with, but, I would also be ok on my own.

If I would get into a serious relationship with someone, I would for sure pursue a D with H. Until then, I still want H to initiate the process and be responsible for that.

I had these people too, who asked me how long I was going to let it go. Heck, it was also my family, my sister and her H. I also lost a longtime friend over this. She eventually came back, but it is not the same anymore. My family is no longer questioning me thought, they see that I’m doing quite well. They actually feel sorry for my H now, LOL.

Hang in there, Grace21. It will get better.


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Job, thank you for replying! I know I can always count on you. You gave me a lot of great advice over these years. I know I was “difficult” and confrontational at time, but you still came back to comment on my posts. Happy New Year to you too!

Last summer I went to Croatia and Prague. We were on a yacht for the first week in Croatia and then travelled to other parts and ended up in Prague. What a beautiful city! And the other adventures were awesome! I loved Croatia, and I would go there again!

My son is doing well, thanks for asking! He is still with his GF of 12 years and I hope they get married one day… My son tuned 30 last year. From a rebellious teenager a number of years ago (who gave me a lot of grey hair…), he turned into a very smart, kind and caring man. I’m so proud of him! He tries to take care of me. I’m a very independent person, but I allow him to do little things for me. It feels great.

Yes, my new friends have no attachment to my affairs with H, they take it as it is. I also “trained” some of my old friends, LOL. I don’t bring H up and steer all conversations away when it gets too uncomfortable for me. They still don’t understand all the “business” we have with H… but they now accept it.

I was kind of surprised myself, when I heard that H was going to come to my family’s NY party. I think I didn’t believe it until he showed up with his brother, LOL. It was all good until I saw the pictures from the party… To my opinion, H looked sad… He tried to be cheerful and all, but I could tell there was something going on. Honestly… I feel sorry for him. I wish he would be happier. I’m surprised I cared so much for him to be happy.

And, you are right, he probably felt that people don’t have grudges for him. My family was so happy to see him. I’m sure I will hear some details and opinions from my sister and her H, since they talked to my H for the most of the night.

Thanks again for your reply!


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Thanks for the thoughful reply. It validates my feelings and the path I have chosen for now.

Originally Posted by BrightFuture
If I would get into a serious relationship with someone, I would for sure pursue a D with H. Until then, I still want H to initiate the process and be responsible for that.


I feel the same way. I didn't ask for this, I'm the one that has faith we could make a better M if the efforts where there, and I don't want a D. So, I would want my H to be the responsible one. Even if I was filed with papers today, I would tell H I don't want this, and I think he will regret it eventually, but if that's the only way he would be happy I will release him.

For now, I will move forward with a happier me.


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Bright,

Your vacation sounds like it was fantastic. I'm so glad you are stepping outside your comfort zone and exploring the world. You have come a very long way and how you are handling your journey brings a smile to my face. You had a difficult time at first...but look at you now. You are enjoying life and offering very wise advice to posters.

I can't believe your son is 30! Time sure has been moving along very quickly. He's been w/the same girl for quite some time and one day, he'll decide to pop the question...but he's enjoying life as it is at the moment. You raised a great son and you can be proud of the decisions he has made.

Continue as you have been...you are doing great!


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Hi Bright!

You seem to be doing very well. It's great that you have found friends that don't know your past or your H. It's so much easier to enjoy ourselves when there's no judging you or your situation.

We've been at this about the same length of time. It appears that your H is showing a few signs of waking up. If you remember, my H did the same thing. He went back and forth for what seemed like forever trying to finish his journey. Remember what job and the others have said. We can't rush them. They need to complete the journey on their own.

Congratulations on your son's graduation! It sounded like the party was GREAT! Your H behaved himself, reconnected with your family and had a good time.

Keep on doing what you're doing. GAL, making new friends and leaving your H to find his way.


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Hi Bright so nice to read an update from you! I'm glad you're doing so well. As for your h ... slow mlr-er indeed. Well, we all get wherever it is we're going eventually, even the MLCr ... Keep posting when you can !!! Happy New Year! xoxoxo


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S ~15.5 (BD)
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A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
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OMG, NLT! What a surprise! So happy to hear from you! Thank you for stopping by my thread! I found your last post on your thread that was about 2 years ago. I re-read it and found some similarities with my story again. Except my H didn’t have a crazy OW, like Twinkle Twat, LOL. When I was reading your last thread I was thinking about how your H cycled back a forth between wanting a D (and actually filing for it), and still wanting to keep all the marital assets in joint ownership, and reaming in the area where he could see you. I’m assuming you and your H are still back together, and as you mentioned in FY’s post, it is still a hard work. I would love to hear more about you. How are your D1, S1, S2, and especially D2 are doing?

I’m definitely not rushing H in his journey. I’m not even sure I would want him back… Not now anyway. I think he is still in the process… plus, I no longer want to tolerate some of his antics. Ironically, one of his reasons to leave was that I was a “negative” person and he was sure it was not going to change. Well, guess what… I think he is a “negative” person now, and I’ve changed a great deal! So, I’m the one who doesn’t want this much “negativity” in my life now, LOL.

I’m still trying to compose a post of the observations I recently made about H’s behavior and stuff. I’ve been reading some of the old posts about MLC re-connection and acceptance. I re-discovered a lot of things for myself. I also look at this from a different prospective now, after all this time.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 01/16/19 08:03 AM.

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Hey, bttrfly! We almost posted at the same time! Thanks for stopping by. I’ve been reading your posts and your gratitude challenge. Happy New Year to you too! I always enjoy reading your posts, even though I don’t post much anymore. You’ve always been an inspiration to me. I can relate in so many ways… with your thoughts and feelings… I will try to post on your thread, it seems like you’ve been going through a lot lately.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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