My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years. the first 5 years of marriage were great, we use to have conversations about why other couples fight. we both smoked and drank at first but we made a commitment when our fisrt child was born that we would quit and we did.
The 6th year my wifes parents died within 6 months of each other and my wife went into a deep depression, became addicted to pain meds and started smoking again. I was left to raise our 4 children and it was tough and I didn't manage it well emotionally. I became bitter, demanding, controlling. I would belittle her and make her feel like her family wasnlt important and money was a whole seperate issue. I would blow up when she would spend money that we didn't have. She would threaten to leave me but never did. She has emotionally been detached from our marriage for the last 3 years. A few weeks ago I discovered she had started drinking and I didn't take it well.
She sent me an email stating that she was done with our marriage and wanted a divorce or at least a seperation until we can figure out how to handle finances and children. She said she would stay with her sister or in a different room in the house. I begged and pleaded for another shot but I just got the straight faced I hate you look. A week after and we went grocery shopping together and talked about it and I just told her about how I feel. I feel like a house wife when I say this, but I expressed to her about how when she goes out all the time I'm stuck with the kids. I take them to school, pick them up, cook dinner, and do everything with them. She didn't care, felt like it was an attack.
I wrote a letter, not an apology letter but a sympothy letter basically telling her how awful it must have been to lose her parents and not have someoen there to console and basically how terrible it must have been to live under my control and domination for so long and that I wanted her to be free to breathe. She said it was just another from of manipulation.
The other thing that is going on is that she is spending a lot of time with her sister,that is what she says, they smoke and get drunk together. She goes to work at 6am but gets off at 4pm, but she doesn't come home until 7 or 8 during the week, 1 or 2 am on wekends. Her sister and I have never got along very well, both type A, we butt heads. I'm confused, she still sleeps in the same bed as me and hasn't left yet but is never home. I've tryed to be positive, I've taken her roses at work and been really good around the house but she really hates me, but yet won't move out. Although when I gave her the letter last light she left and stayed at her sisters.
Religous man, I've been praying for help. Help!
Last edited by Cadet; 01/19/1703:41 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and for the loss of your in laws.
Kudos to you for stopping smoking and drinking when you became a parent! Keep it up! Is your wife taking pain meds in addition to smoking and drinking? You can't fix her. You can only fix yourself. Show her your changes are sincere through your actions, not your words.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
***My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years. the first 5 years of marriage were great, we use to have conversations about why other couples fight. we both smoked and drank at first but we made a commitment when our fisrt child was born that we would quit and we did. The 6th year my wifes parents died within 6 months of each other and my wife went into a deep depression, became addicted to pain meds and started smoking again.***
How was the depression and drug addiction acknowledged and handled, if at all?
***I was left to raise our 4 children and it was tough and I didn't manage it well emotionally. I became bitter, demanding, controlling. I would belittle her and make her feel like her family wasnlt important and money was a whole seperate issue. I would blow up when she would spend money that we didn't have. ***
It's good that you acknowledge your issues. Are you still this way? Have you changed or are you trying to change?
***She would threaten to leave me but never did.***
Why do you think she hasn't left? Is it for love of you and the children or that she has nowhere else to go?
***She has emotionally been detached from our marriage for the last 3 years. ***
Why do you say this?
***A few weeks ago I discovered she had started drinking and I didn't take it well.***
What did you do? Get angry? Has drinking made things worse or do you just have a sensitivity to it given your history?
***She sent me an email stating that she was done with our marriage and wanted a divorce or at least a seperation until we can figure out how to handle finances and children. She said she would stay with her sister or in a different room in the house. I begged and pleaded for another shot but I just got the straight faced I hate you look. A week after and we went grocery shopping together and talked about it and I just told her about how I feel. I feel like a house wife when I say this, but I expressed to her about how when she goes out all the time I'm stuck with the kids. I take them to school, pick them up, cook dinner, and do everything with them. She didn't care, felt like it was an attack. ***
Anything you do to beg or pursue may feel like an attack to her.
***I wrote a letter, not an apology letter but a sympothy letter basically telling her how awful it must have been to lose her parents and not have someoen there to console and basically how terrible it must have been to live under my control and domination for so long and that I wanted her to be free to breathe. She said it was just another from of manipulation.***
Again, this may feel like a pursuit to her, which she interprets as an attack.
***The other thing that is going on is that she is spending a lot of time with her sister,that is what she says, they smoke and get drunk together. She goes to work at 6am but gets off at 4pm, but she doesn't come home until 7 or 8 during the week, 1 or 2 am on wekends. Her sister and I have never got along very well, both type A, we butt heads. I'm confused, she still sleeps in the same bed as me and hasn't left yet but is never home. I've tryed to be positive, I've taken her roses at work and been really good around the house but she really hates me, but yet won't move out. Although when I gave her the letter last light she left and stayed at her sisters.
Religous man, I've been praying for help. Help!***
Keep praying, read the books and come up with a plan...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for your reply, it helped me process what I wrote a lot better with the questions you asked me.
How was the depression and drug addiction acknowledged and handled, if at all?
I encouraged her to see a therapist but she never did. She did talk about it with our family doctor and he put her on an anti-depresant, can't remember the name of it but it didn't seem like it worked. She came to me wanting help with the pain meds, her solution was to have me do everything for a week and she slept for like 4-5 days straight, not sure she ever kicked them.
It's good that you acknowledge your issues. Are you still this way? Have you changed or are you trying to change?
I had a blow up a few years ago about letting the kids stay home from school because she didn't feel like doing anything. I went to see a therapist about my anger issues and he diagnosed me with anxiety and ADD, he put me on Adderall. Not sure is does anything for my anger issues but it gives me the energy to get through my day. Only saw him for a few months and quit going. After blow up a few weeks ago I am going to see a female therapist tomorrow to work out my issues with controling everything in my life.
Why do you think she hasn't left? Is it for love of you and the children or that she has nowhere else to go?
Not sure the answer to that. A few yrears ago I would of said for the love of me and the kids but not anymore. It seems like she generally dislikes me.
Why do you say this?
Because if she is at home her eyes are on her phone or sleeping, can't remember the last time she laughed or showed energy.
What did you do? Get angry? Has drinking made things worse or do you just have a sensitivity to it given your history?
The usual, belittled her for doing what I felt was stupid. Made me feel betrayed, we made a committment to each other. She feels I manipulated her to change those habits and that really insn't her. I feel she has a point we both smoke and drank when we married.
It is so hard not to pursue her, even after reading the 37 rules yesterday I went home; struck up a conversation and didn't shut up. Last Sunday I asked her if she would go on a date this weekend with me and she said she would but now I fear if I don't go she will think that I dont want to work on the marriage but if I go then it will be that I'm pursuing her. I'm so confused. I know that I'm done with the letters, flowers, and things like that but its hard to ignore her when she is at home. I pray morning, afternoon, night that she softens her heart toward me and that she gets help herself.
Should I move myself out of our room to signal that I want her to have her own space?
Maybe my therapist will have some answers tomorrow....
So I found out over the weekend that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker and I confronted her on it and at first she tried to minimize what she had done by saying they had only kissed but as I pressed her at different times during the day she finally confessed later that night that she had been sleeping with him for a few months now. I want to work on our marriage but I'm not sure I can forgive her or ever trust her ever again. I coulnt sleep last night next to her and I'm so angry that I could get my 9mm out and either shoot her partner or myself for being such a chump and letting her manipulate me. Not sure where to go or what to do. Help!
So I found out over the weekend that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker and I confronted her on it and at first she tried to minimize what she had done by saying they had only kissed but as I pressed her at different times during the day she finally confessed later that night that she had been sleeping with him for a few months now. I want to work on our marriage but I'm not sure I can forgive her or ever trust her ever again. I coulnt sleep last night next to her and I'm so angry that I could get my 9mm out and either shoot her partner or myself for being such a chump and letting her manipulate me. Not sure where to go or what to do. Help!
First off, put the gun away. Nothing good will happen if you use it.
I cant' give you advice about what to do with your cheating spouse as I haven't had that happen to me, but there a lot of others on here how can give you solid advice.
Sorry to read about this latest development. How did you discover her PA?
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Fused, I second the motion, holster the gun. At the end of the day, your life is worth more than these temporary feelings. And it is temporary.
I myself have put up with 2 EA and would not be overly surprised if my WH is having another right now. To me, the pain would be the same as a PA.
That being said, take a step back and evaluate yourself. Take all the time you need. Is this something you are going to be able to work through? It took me years to get to an acceptance level. You paste on a fake smile and try to control your thoughts, but you can't always do that. You CAN get through it, but it's not easy and you have to be open to forgiving.
As a woman who's dealt with some of the same treatment you say you gave your wife, I'd say give her some space. You can only work on yourself and you should take this time to do that. Figure out the things you can improve and do your 180's. There's no guarantee it will bring back your wife, but your goal should be self improvement.
M:41 H:43 T:26yrs M:19 yrs S:15 D1:14 D2:9 Living together but separated
Ask a friend to hold on to your guns for a while. Your emotions are all over the place and you don't want the temptation. This is probably the worst you have ever felt in your life.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
