Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
C
CDL4 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
I am a 43 year old husband with a 41 year old wife. We have 2 year old son. We have been married for over 4 years. There has been no infidelity, substance abuse, physical abuse or money problems. Until about 5 1/2 months ago, I thought we were doing okay and any problems we had were fixable. Then on August 4, 2016. My wife asked me for a separation and gave me 2 weeks to move out. My wife said she did not love me anymore, that she was tired of my moodiness and depression, and that she felt like she was taking care of 2 children.

I could not change her mind. My wife had hired a divorce coach and consulted with 3 divorce attorneys. I moved out our house into a small apartment nearby.

My mother died in late May after a prolonged and severe mental illness. I was a wreck. I took most of May off and then I returned to work in June with a vengeance determined to make up for lost time and get a large bonus at the end of 2016.

My wife is a doctor and was deployed for 30 days in July. I took care of my son with the help of our nanny but it was really difficult and I lost my temper on the phone with my wife several times.

Looking back, I should have been more prepared and less emotional but I was trying to work long hours and adjust to being a temporary single dad and, while I didn't get angry with my son, I did yell at my wife on the phone. The last time was a week before she came home and apparently it was the tipping point for her.

After she came home, she waited a few days and then asked me to move out.

I read DB and had some telephone counseling with one of the DC counselors. I also met with multiple therapists. None of it seem to help much. I would feel better and try to follow the advice of DB and others but I could not stick with it and would get upset with my wife over our separation and her refusal to change her mind about separating or getting a divorce.

Since we separated, I found out she is interested in another man, lied to me about consulting with multiple divorce attorneys, lied to me about how much child support I owed her and had lied to me about some other financial issues that will affect our divorce settlement.

I am shocked and devastated. My wife never lied to me about anything important in the past. She is a different person now. She hates me and cannot wait to file for divorce. We had an argument recently and she made it clear she intends to file for divorce in late February.

I realize now that there were obvious signs that she was unhappy. I also realize that I was not anywhere near as helpful as she needed to help raise our son. I have apologized to her and swore that I would be a better father and husband. But I have lost her trust and I cannot seem to get it back. She has refused to see a marriage counselor with me.

I still love my wife and I don't want to lose her. And I hate that I can only see my son 3-4 times a week at scheduled times.

Any advice how to help save my marriage would be greatly appreciated.


Me: 43
W: 41
Us: M 4 T 6
1 son, 2.5
Aug. 2016: Separation
Feb. 2017 W plans to file D
Wife hates me
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted By: CDL4

I read DB and had some telephone counseling with one of the DC counselors. I also met with multiple therapists. None of it seem to help much. I would feel better and try to follow the advice of DB and others but I could not stick with it and would get upset with my wife over our separation and her refusal to change her mind about separating or getting a divorce.

Since we separated, I found out she is interested in another man, lied to me about consulting with multiple divorce attorneys, lied to me about how much child support I owed her and had lied to me about some other financial issues that will affect our divorce settlement.

I am shocked and devastated. My wife never lied to me about anything important in the past. She is a different person now. She hates me and cannot wait to file for divorce. We had an argument recently and she made it clear she intends to file for divorce in late February.


Hello CDL4,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I'm glad you have read DB. Be sure to read the info that Cadet has provided too. At this point you can't believe any of what your wife says and only half of what she does. Focus on being the best CDL4 and Dad that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for yourself and your son.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
C
CDL4 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
Thank you. I will read the link you posted.

Does anyone else have any advice? I have about 30 days to go before my wife files for divorce. I am panicking.


Me: 43
W: 41
Us: M 4 T 6
1 son, 2.5
Aug. 2016: Separation
Feb. 2017 W plans to file D
Wife hates me
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
CDL4

Sorry you're here. Your first post outlined much that is wrong in your marriage. That is good, in a way. You see your faults, you see your problems. That means there is a possibility of things getting better. Your W is probably what people in this forum call a "walkaway wife" (WAW), someone who put up with frustrations for a long time, then snapped and decided to walk away.

My recommendation: step into your W's shoes, her frame of mind, however irrational and biased you think it might be right now, and make a list, a LOOONG list of all that she thinks is wrong with you and the marriage. It may seem like a silly exercise, but write it down.

Then stare at that list. It doesn't matter who is right for each item listed. Stare at it. Then soak up the idea that THAT's how she feels right now.

You're going to have to decide whether you really want to change, or not.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
C
CDL4 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 9
ForGump
Thanks for the reply. Yes. I made a lot of mistakes. And I blame myself for 95% of this situation. I have a list of 20 things I did wrong from her perspective. And she probably could add some more after the last few months. I will review it again. It's hard to read. I feel ashamed.

I do really want to change. I love her and I love my son very much. What should I do next?


Me: 43
W: 41
Us: M 4 T 6
1 son, 2.5
Aug. 2016: Separation
Feb. 2017 W plans to file D
Wife hates me
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
0
Member
Offline
Member
0
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
I'm sorry you're here CDL4. We all feel your pain.

Gump is right on. Make that list, decide what you can and are willing to change. Time to do those 180's. Figure out short term changes. What can you do in the next couple of weeks?

Then work on long term goals. Make sure these are changes you want to make not only for your WAW but things you will be happy with. Ultimately you want to make yourself better for you, so you want to be happy with the end result.


M:41 H:43
T:26yrs M:19 yrs
S:15 D1:14 D2:9
Living together but separated
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
Your marriage is most likely lost. I'm sorry. Mine is too, so I know how you feel.

The only chance you have of saving it is to take your time to take a long hard look at the person you are, and decide on what kind of a person you want to become. You have to become the guy that your wife would be a FOOL to leave. You can't be just decent, because there's been too much damage already. You have to be far better than decent. She is hurt and confused. If you are lucky -- a big IF -- then as you work on becoming a better man, a GREAT guy, your wife might see you in a different light.

Sound like a long shot? It is. This forum is littered with people like you and me.

Make sure you don't approach this like a checklist. You can't just say sorry for ABCXYZ, and hope she'll come back. At this point, it's not even about particular offenses, probably. It's about how she FEELS about you. So don't look for a shortcut. It's not a sprint, they say in this forum. It's a marathon.

I'd start with working on being a great Dad. Not just pretty good, but awesome Dad. Don't do it to impress your wife. She'll see right through you. Focus on your son. You can't go wrong w/ that.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: ForGump
Your marriage is most likely lost.

The fact is all marriages are over at bomb drop.
When people start posting here there marriages are already over.

The question is whether you will be able to build a new marriage.

Thats where making changes for YOU come into place.
Making yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.


Me-70, D37,S36
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard